The Princess Bride Retold By Yours Truly (Part 1)

Hello,

I'm taking a break from life, and I can't think of anything else to do, so here's

The Princess Bride

A Sum-Up

By Me

Once Upon a Time, there was a Beautiful Fair Maiden named Buttercup. Her name implies that she is overweight, but she isn't. At least in the movie she isn't. I don't remember her exact weight in the book. The point is that, thin or not, she was beautiful. But, although Buttercup was beautiful, she was rather a snooty airhead which, like her weight, had nothing to do with her beauty. She lived on a farm, which was looked after by a man named Westley, but because Buttercup was snooty, she called him "Farm Boy," and bossed him around just for the sheer heck of it.

Westley didn't mind being bossed around by Buttercup for the sheer heck of it, because Buttercup was beautiful, and one day he decided that she was so beautiful that he wanted to marry her. Buttercup decided that she wanted to marry him too, so Westley ditched her and went off to find money.

Meaning he went off to seek his fortune so that they could get married. That was a joke. Anyway, while Westley was away at sea, Buttercup got news that Westley had been murdered by the Dread Pirate Roberts, the Most Totally Evil Pirate Ever. So, she got very depressed and sat in her room for a very long time.

Five years later, Westley was still dead and Buttercup had been compelled by the Great Prince Humperdink to be his Great Princess Fiancee, which she was not at all happy about. To cheer herself up, she went for a ride on her horse into a forest where she was sure to be kidnapped by assassins.

After being kidnapped by assassins, Buttercup was put on a large boat and sailed away to The Middle Of The Ocean On The Way To The Country Of Guildor. The assassin's name was Vizzinni. He had been hired by Humperdink to kill Buttercup in Guildor and blame it on the Guildarians to start a war between Florin (Prince Humperdink's country) and Guildor. Humperdink would then win the war and claim lordship over Guildor, thus becoming the Prince of, not one, but TWO countries. Assisting Vizzinni were Fezzik the Giant and Inigo Montoya the Spaniard who were very good friends and not entirely bad.

When the ship reached The Middle Of The Ocean On The Way To The Country Of Guildor, Inigo spotted another ship following them. Buttercup saw her chance to escape, so she jumped overboard and tried to swim to the other ship, but was attacked by Screeching Eels which screamed in her face and frightened her poopless. Fortunately, they were close enough to the ship so that Fezzik was able to punch the Eel on the nose and lift Buttercup back onto the ship. However, Buttercup was still in the clutches of Vizzinni, which was Bad, because he was a Bad Guy who was going to kill her.

The next morning, the ship reached The Cliffs of Insanity with the As Yet Unknown Ship close behind. Fezzik was made to wear a sort of girdle so that the other three could hold onto him while he climbed the rope hanging down from the top of the Cliffs, and Buttercup was once again frightened poopless by the height of the cliffs. When they reached the halfway point, Inigo noticed that the As Yet Unknown Ship had also reached the cliffs, and that a Man In Black (not from the intergalactic intelligence agency that Will Smith works at, by the way) was now pursuing them via climbing up the rope. So, when our heroes reached the top, Vizzinni cut the rope in an attempt to send the Man In Black to his doom, but the Man In Black was a man who ate doom for breakfast and regurgitated it to feed his offspring, so instead of falling to his doom, he hung on to the Cliffs was not doomed after all, much to the dismay of Vizzinni. Vizzinni then decided that he and Fezzik would take Buttercup on ahead, while Inigo stayed behind and made sure that the Man In Black either fell off the Cliffs, or died by Inigo killing him in a duel.

Holy cliffhanger! Will the Man In Black indeed fall to his doom? Or will he face death in a duel with Inigo Montoya? Will he kill Inigo Montoya? And what will become of the fair Buttercup? Tune in next time for answers-same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel! The Worst is yet to come!

The Pub

A Poem

by me

There's a little old pub in Tully More
where the lads drink too much tea
it's muddled with their minds, I hear,
for many a strange sight they see.

They speak of a fiddle that plays the cat
(but do not ask me how)
and the moon comes down from her lofty bed
to jump over the cow.

The boys in the pub watch the cat and the cow
till the faces of their wives turn stale,
for these lasses wish that their men would sober
up with a spot of ale.

So the ale is drunk, and the world is right;
for the lasses, none too soon,
and the cat plays the fiddle all through the night
and the cow jumps over the moon.

Radagascar

Ok, I'm still in Hobbit mode, so I'd like to share a BRILLIANT idea that me and my brother had.

If you've seen the movie Madagascar (which I haven't), then you know it's about a lot of animals who escape from the zoo and try to get back home. At least that's what I think it's about. What Thomas and I were thinking was that we should make a movie (and it would be a musical, of course) about Radagast, who decides to take all his forest animal chums and put them in a zoo, then they decide to escape and go back to the forest, and the movie would be called...wait for it....RADAGASCAR. That's what I'm Tolkien about. I didn't come up with that one, by the way. But anyway, it's going to make us famous, and we'll make a silmarillion dollars. I did come up with that one. And it's really bad, but I don't care. When Radagascar comes out, if you see it, you'll be Durin yourself a favor. I came up with that one a long time ago.

Speaking of Radagast, I think if Santa Clause ever sees The Hobbit, he'll ditch his reindeer and get himself some rabbits. Not that I have anything against reindeer, I just thought the rabbits were cool. And I know some people thought they were ridiculous, but snails can carry about a billion times their own body weight, so why not rabbits? Plus they were MAGIC rabbits.

Time for more coffee. Toodle Pip!

While I'm thinking about The Hobbit, I'd like to share a revelation I had the fourth or fifth time I saw the first one.

I believe that Azog is a distant relative of Voldemort. He looks like a buff version of Voldemort. Plus, everybody says that Frodo looks a little like Harry Potter. So, I think that modern day wizards and witches are ancestors of people from Middle-Earth. Maybe Middle-Earth eventually became uninhabitable, or it was going to be destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass like in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so they had to evacuate, and they all moved to Earth.

Concerning The Hobbit

Over Christmas vacation, or whatever it's called these days, I went out with my folks and saw the new Hobbit movie. And I'm not ashamed to say that I enjoyed it very much. 

A lot of people are ganging up to tar and feather the heck out of Peter Jackson because (1) He didn't follow the book and (2) his action scenes were very overkill. 

Concerning (1) I'm able to keep separate files in my brain for books and movies, and if both the book and the movie are good, I'm happy. I don't care if they're different. I know some people can't do that, but that's your headache. Also, I know a lot of people were angry that Mr. Jackson added Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly's character) in the second movie. I was a little bit too, before I saw the movie. But, in her defense, she was kind of a butt-kicking badass. I need to find a new word for badass, because I don't really like using the word badass. I'm going to say "motorcycle" instead, because motorcycles are badass. Anyway, Tauriel was a bit of a motorcycle. 

Concerning (2) Ok, I agree that some of the action scenes were overkill, but I don't care because I'm a sucker for a lot of handsome motorcycle fantasy dudes killing off huge scary neat looking dragons voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch. Plus if you look at the movie as a whole and you take the characters, the scenery, the music, the costumes, and the overall awesomeness and subtract the annoying-ness of the overkill, you still have a motorcycle movie. 

So in conclusion: I am not at all ashamed that I enjoyed The Hobbit movies and I am looking forward to the next one. Although I sort of hope that Tauriel dies. 

Good night!

A Thought on "Shout it From the Mountaintops"

I know I posted something just a second ago, but I just had a thought.

I was thinking of the expression "shout it from the mountaintops." It's a bit contradictory. If I climb a mountain and shout something, nobody will be able to hear me unless they're on top of the mountain with me. Mountains are very tall.

Anyway, just a thought.

Good night!

What Ho!

Hello! I'm back. I decided for a while not to blog anymore because I thought it was turning me into a conceited fop who does nothing but talk about herself all the time, but then I thought about it and decided it wasn't turning me into a conceited fop who does nothing but talk about herself all the time. So, here I am. Hello.

Also, Merry Belated Christmas. In the Spirit of Belated Christmas, here's

Winter Wonderland, Tolkien Style

♪ Sauron's Ring, gold and shiny
treacherous, though it's tiny
it must be destroyed,
it isn't a toy,
muster up the men of Middle-Earth.

Gone and dead is Isildur,
we must walk into Mordor
it's not simply done,
it's not at all fun,
muster up the men of Middle-Earth.

In the Shire we will find some Hobbits,
they've all said that they'd be keen to help,
we'll have lots of fun with all the Hobbits
till Sam and Frodo go off by themselves

Later on, they'll perspire,
as they toss the Ring into the fire
while we face unafraid
the plans that we've made
and muster up the men of Middle Earth. ♪

Also Happy 2014!