The Hobbit: A Short Review

!!!!

mentally preparing

title

SMAUG

BARD!!

THORIN YOU SON OF A 

HOLY BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEPING BLEEP GALADRIEL!

BILBO!!

FILI!

KILI!

LEGOLAS

THORIN!!

HOLY BLEEPITY BLEEPING BLEEP THE ENDING!!!

Useless Charts Re. Parallel Universes

Hello!

Hobbit 3 comes out tomorrow/tonight, and I'm seeing it tomorrow evening. Hooray!

But I need something to do in the meantime. So without further adieu, here's a Useless Chart detailing the reasons why I think that Sam Winchester is really Harry Potter in an Alternate Universe:

Also, I know that it's "ado" and not "adieu," so don't tell me.

Anyway, here goes:

Harry Potter	Sam Winchester
Scar pain = visions	Head pain = visions
Badass life = no girlfriend	Badass life = no girlfriend
Mother died in his nursery via Evil Dark Wizard	Mother died in his nursery via Fugly Demon
Unbeatable Wand	Unbeatable Gun
Has a wise-ass, slightly potty-mouthed best friend with a flying car	Has a wise-ass, slightly potty-mouthed big brother with a car that doesn’t fly but is nonetheless equally awesome
Hair style serves as an indicator of which movie you’re watching	Hair style serves as an indicator of which season you’re watching
Comes back from the dead	Comes back from the dead several times
Voldemort’s horcrux	Lucifer’s vessel
Has to die to kill Voldemort	Has to go to hell in order to defeat Lucifer
Almost everyone he loves is dead	Almost everyone he loves is dead
Ditches school to fight evil	Ditches school to fight evil

And for no extra charge, here's a Useless Chart detailing the reasons why I think Dean Winchester is really Sokka from The Last Airbender in an Alternate Universe:

Sokka	Dean Winchester
Sarcastic	Sarcastic
Protective big brother	Protective big brother
Likes food	Loves food
“There has to be a logical explanation for this.”	“There has to be a logical explanation for this.”
Has a kid sister with an Important Necklace	Has an Important Necklace
Dead mom	Dead mom
Blind friend	Blind friend
Likes puns	Likes puns
Can’t bend the elements but is naturally badass	Isn’t psychic-ish like Sam but is naturally badass
Gets stoned by cactus juice	Gets stoned by Leviathan Turducken Sandwiches
Best friend is the Avatar	Best friend is an angel
Gets trapped in the Spirit World	Periodically gets trapped in Hell, Purgatory, Astral World, Heaven, Alternate Reality, etc.

So by the associative property of addition, 

if the Supernatural universe overlaps with the Harry Potter universe, and the Supernatural universe overlaps with the Avatar universe, then the Harry Potter universe overlaps with the Avatar universe. 

Which [I think] means that Harry Potter is really Aang in an alternate universe. 

Aang	Harry
Has to defeat central villain to save the world	Has to defeat central villain to save the world
Has important tattoos	Has important scar(s)
Travels by flying	Travels by flying (half the time ish)
Comes back to life via Spirit Water	Comes back to life via Voldemort Screwed Up
Has snarky best friends	Has snarky best friends
Has a pet lemur that flies	Has a pet owl that flies
In love with friend’s sister	In love with friend’s sister
Randomly has visions	Has visions

Poem #44: Djinn and Tonic

"Bottle, bottle, my relief,

free me now from hurt and grief

save my mind and heart from pain,

be my fortune, be my gain."

From the glassy curves there sprang

something drawn by my harangue

frothing bubbles formed without,

seeping from the bottle's spout.

Stumbling, I drank it in,

be it whiskey, beer or Djinn

"Spirits, seek my wish," I said,

"Fill my heart and fill my head."

All that merry drunken night,

all the earth was filled with light

in my simple hut I found

lofty wishes brought to ground.

But as the moon began to wane,

sunlight bottled luck and gain

mind and heart began to clear

and faced the sun, bereft of fear.

"I Must Admit" and "I'm Sorry"

I'm not allowed to apologize anymore, so I'm just going to warn you that this is another overanalysis of expressions used by the English-speaking human population which I am writing because I have time to kill. You've been warned, this is not an apology, end of speech.


I've noticed lately that when people want to pay something or someone a compliment, they often start with the phrase "I must admit." And there's nothing wrong with that, it just tickles my brain sensitivity because I always wonder why they "must admit." Admission, as far as I know, usually happens after a person has said the opposite of what he's admitting, but I keep hearing it when people are just making a non-contradicted comment. For example, you only have to "admit" that the spaghetti I made is good if before you said something like "I am of the opinion that your spaghetti will suck big time." But if you didn't say that, which I hope you didn't, you wouldn't have to "admit" anything. You could just say my spaghetti is delicious (which it is) and call it a day.


I don't have a problem with people saying "I must admit." You can say it till the cows come home for all I care, I'm just in an overanalytical mood and now I'm apologizing again so I'm going to stop talking.


That's another thing that bothers me. People, I have found, tend to assume I'm apologizing every time I say "I'm sorry," but it's not always an apology. I say "I'm sorry" when


1. I wish to apologize
2. I wish to give my condolences.


For example,


Person: My cow was hit by a truck.
Me: Oh, dear. I'm sorry.
Person: No, don't apologize, it's not your fault.


I wish I had a nickel for every time. I didn't hit your cow with my truck, and if I did, I'd be the last person to admit it. I'm not apologizing, I'm offering my condolences. If you don't want condolences, then there's nothing I can do for you. I suppose I could get you a new cow, but that is something for which ain't nobody got time, including me. Plus I can't afford a new cow. I don't even think I can afford a used cow. Get your own damn cow.


That's all I got to say about that.

This Is Not A Drill

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Told you. Have a nice day!

Poem #43: Night and Day

The Princess Fay once ran away

and built a great balloon

She warmed its air with greatest care

and sailed beyond the Moon

She drifted far to night and star

that sunny day in June.

"Balloon," said Fay, "take me from day,

from Sun and green and light."

They flew so high the Gemini

came dancing through the night

with good Orion and the Lion

following in flight.

She stopped to dine on fruits and wine

from dippers great and little

in lark and mirth away from Earth

where joy was faint and brittle,

where nothing slept and shadows crept

and stifled fife and fiddle.

The Princess sang, the comets rang

with echoes, sweet and soft

But far from home, she was alone

in utter dark aloft

so none too soon, she called "Balloon!

it's high time we were off."

She touched down basket in the grassy

meadow, damp with dew

And so that day, the Princess Fay

loved Sun and light anew.

In grassy green, she was the queen

of sky, both black and blue.



The Battle of the Five Armies [real] Trailer

My reaction:

BILBO!!!!!

THORIN!!!!!

SARUMAN!!!!

BARD!!!!

WAR BATS!!!!

THRANDUIL + TAURIEL!!!!!

BILBO!!! GANDALF!!!!

KILI!!!!!!

ERMEGHERD!!!!!

copyright note: I don't own these images, I stole them.