Misplaced Quotes: Napoleon Dynamite

For my own amusement

Sherlock 
 
John: So, me and you are pretty much friends now, right?
Sherlock: I don't have *FRIENDS*.

....

Sherlock: Bored.
John: What?
Sherlock: BORED!
John: Sherlock, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day.

....

Moriarty: I've shown you what I can do, I cut loose all those people.
Sherlock: Since when, Moriarty? You have like the worst reflexes of all time!

.....

Harry Potter 

Hermione: As long as Dumbledore's here, Harry, you're safe. Dumbledore offers you his protection.

....

Ron: Third year, he fought off about a hundred dementors at once.
Harry: They kept trying to attack my cousins! What the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Neville: What kind of gun did you use?
Harry: A freakin' twelve gauge, what dyou think???

...

Harry: How long did it take you to grow that moustache?
Sirius: 12 YEARS! IN AZKABAN!!!
Harry: I wish I could grow one.

The Lord of the Rings

Gandalf: You cannot pass!
Frodo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: I am the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor. Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you!

.....

Eowyn: Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel?
Aragorn: I dunno, but she left all this crap on my porch.

.......

Gimli: Toss me.
Aragorn: What?
Gimli: I cannot jump the distance! You'll have to toss me!
Legolas: You got like, three feet of air that time. Can I try it really quick?

.....

Sam:...Rosie Cotton dancing. She had ribbons in her hair. If I ever were to marry someone, it would've been her.
Frodo: To bad. She says she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all her steak.


The Princess Bride

The Man In Black: Draw me the rope.
Inigo: I'm really busy right now.
Man In Black: Will you do me a favor then? Could you bring me my ChapStick?
Inigo: No.
Man In Black: But my lips hurt real bad!





 

The Great McDonald's Drive-Through Blockage Of The Century

If you’re like every single other person in the whole entire universe, you will have at some point in your life felt like you’re a bimbo who can’t do anything right.

But whatever sort of bimbo-who-can’t-do-anything-right you might be, I’ll lay a monkey you haven’t done anything like cause The Great McDonald’s Drive-Thru Blockage Of The Century. That happened a couple of weeks ago, and I did it.

All I wanted was a coke. I was about to drive from my folks’ house to my Grandma’s house. It’s a long-ish drive, so I wanted a sustaining beverage to keep me awake so that I wouldn’t fall asleep at the wheel, cause a major crash, kill several people, and then have to do a long stretch in the local prison. Speaking of which, that would be awesome if jailors still used the rack for punishment so that I could actually do “a long stretch.” That would be a stupendous play-on-words.

Anyway, like I said, I was getting a coke. I went to the little machine where you tell the man what you want, I told the man what I wanted, he said to come to the next window to pay, so I drove to the next window to pay, and then I drove straight past the very last window where my coke was waiting. I didn’t want to back up my car to go get it, because there were about fifty million cars behind me, so I hopped out of the car and walked back to the window to get my delicious coke.

Having thus obtained said coke, I walked back to my car. It was locked, so patted down my pockets for keys, which weren’t there.  Then I noticed that my car was still running. I peeked in the window and the keys were in the ignition. I didn’t have a spare set of keys anywhere within a reasonable distance, so the next thing to do was to call AAA and get them to break into my car so I could drive out of the drive through. So I reached in my pocket and got out my phone.

Here I would have liked to quote Batman and say “Confound it! The batteries are dead!” but I doubt that the McDonald’s people and the fifty million people in cars behind me would have got the reference. So I hopped on over back to the window and asked to borrow a phone. They said yes, I could borrow a phone, so I borrowed a phone, called my mom, and asked her to call AAA.

Meanwhile, the fifty million cars behind me seemed to have noticed that the line wasn’t moving. I yelled “SORRY!” in their general direction about ten billion times until the manager decided that they could squeeze and make a tight u-turn and drive the wrong way out of the drive through.  They did it, and it was very embarrassing. Luckily, I was wearing my Lord of the Rings shirt, which made me feel better.

AAA got there about fifteen minutes later, broke into my car, and bunged the keys at me. So, all’s fair in love and war. But still, I'd have been happy with just the coke. 

Poem #4: The Dragon

In an old little mointain where the grass is green,

there lived a young little dragon who was ever keen

to find his place on the battlefields

and kill fearsome knights with their swords and their shields. 

His mother said, "Don't you go out, young man,

for the knights will kill you, if they can. 

Just stay by the mountain, and all will be fine. 

Leave the fights to the older dragons, son of mine."

Now nearby the cave that was the little dragon's home

dwelt a little dragon maiden, not quite fully grown. 

She was sleek and fair and her eyes so bright,

and our little dragon watched for her every night. 

She was out picking flowers one day on the hill, 

when there came by two knights who were eager to kill. 

One saw her there and he drew his sharp sword,

while the other pulled an arrow back on its cord. 

Now our little dragon boy saw the knights standing there, 

and he called to his lady, "Fair maiden, beware!"

Then he leaped in between her and the skulking knights, 

and he drew back a breath to prepare for the fight. 

With his breath, the little dragon summoned fire to burn, 

but the knights saw him do this and away they turned!

And they ran down the mountain screaming for their mums, 

while the dragon stood tall in the light of the sun. 

Then his mother came out, and his father as well, 

for they had heard the screaming knights, and smelled the knights' smell.

Then they spotted their son standing tall and proud

and the smoke puffing from his nostrils like two clouds. 

Said the dragon maiden: "I thank you so much, kind sir. 

For if you hadn't come, I wouldn't have stirred

from my place in the flowers with the knights so near."

And the little dragon said, "Not at all, my dear."

Then the dragon was honored both in tale and in song, 

for he had sent the knights back to where they belong. 

And the fair dragon kissed him and they danced in the light

of the moon and the stars on the mountain heights.

THE END

How The Snowman Got His Nose

Poem #3

Inspired by Disney's Frozen [:

The snow shone up on the winter sun, 

the sun smiled down in turn, 

but not too hot, for he did not 

desire to make it burn. 

The snow was a soft white blanket for 

the roses while they slept

but there was one who wished for fun, 

so out of bed he crept. 

A snowman passing by saw him

and stopped to greet the rose. 

he tried to smell, but couldn't so well

for he didn't have a nose. 

A reindeer happened to pass by 

with carrots in his teeth

on his way back to have a snack 

at home, or perhaps a feast. 

The reindeer saw the snowman sit 

in such a saddened state. 

"I'll give him food to help his mood,

perhaps he hasn't ate." 

The reindeer thought this kindly thought

and went to the man of snow

he stuck a carrot in the pear-

shaped head of the man like so: 

The snowman then was filled with joy

for he at last could smell

he put his nose down to the rose

and drew a breath that made him swell. 

The snowman thanked the reindeer then

and each went on his way

except the rose, who stays and grows

to give pleasure again someday. 

The Princess Bride: Grand Finale

Last time: Westley has joined forces with Inigo and Fezzik. Westley's set to get Buttercup back just like he promised, Inigo's all set to kill Count Rugen just like he promised, and Buttercup's just about to marry Humperdink just like she promised, so they're all men of their word, really. Except for Buttercup, who is, in fact, a woman.


Part 5

Westley, Inigo and Fezzik broke into the castle by means of being clever. Then they sneaked around the castle for a bit until Count Rugen and a Lot Of Angry Soldiers found them. Inigo killed the Angry Soldiers. Then he turned to Count Rugen and said "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Count Rugen made like a drummer and beat it. Inigo followed. .But Count Rugen was ahead. He ran through a doorway, shut the door, locked it, and kept running. When Inigo came to the door, he hollered for Fezzik, who left Westley alone in the hallway and then pummeled the door to smithereens so Inigo could continue pursuing Count Rugen. When Fezzik came back to Westley, he found that Westley had made like a jolly tree, which was very inconvenient for Fezzik, because he was now left on his own, not knowing what to do.

Meanwhile, Buttercup was in the process of getting married to Humperdink. The Impressive Clergyman who was proctoring the marriage gave a long speech about twoo wuv until Humperdink became impatient with the whole bloody process and told him to skip to the end. So, the Impressive Clergyman said "man and wife," thus manning and wifing Humperdink and Buttercup. This made Buttercup very depressed, so she went to her room and was about to kill herself when Westley, who had decided to invade her private space and lie on her bed, made an unnecessary comment about Buttercup's anatomy. Buttercup responded by jumping on top of Westley and kissing him until he nearly died again.

After Fezzik had knocked the door down for Inigo, Inigo ran through it. Not the door, the doorway. Anyway, he ran after Count Rugen and had almost caught up with in when Count Rugen turned around and chucked a throwing knife at Inigo. The knife went into Inigo's stomach and cut up his insides so that he had to use one hand to keep his intestines from falling out, but he did not give up. Then Count Rugen went and stabbed the b'gosh out of Inigo, but didn't manage to kill him. There was a bit of a disagreement and some negotiations and then Inigo killed Count Rugen.

When Buttercup had finished kissing the snot out of Westley, she apologized to him for marrying Humperdink. Westley pointed out that they had skipped most of the wedding procedures, so the marriage didn't count. Then Humperdink came in and screamed at Westley for his very existence and approached the bed with a sword. But Westley was a man who gave Death wet willies for fun, so he was not miffed. He scolded Prince Humperdink for being an overall scum-sucking prat, called him several unpleasant names, and then had Buttercup tie him up.

Then Inigo came into the room full of holes and with his intestines hanging out of his stomach. The general populace wondered where Fezzik was, until Fezzik called from outside and said he had found some horses for them to make their getaway. So, they all jumped out the window, rode away on the horses, and lived happily ever after.

THE END

Did you see the match last night?

HA HA HA HA HA 

The Princess Bride: Retold (Part 4)

Last time: Vizzinni and the Man In Black were about to have a Battle Of Wits To The Death For Princess Buttercup. Vizzinni was clever, but do not fear for the Man In Black, for he was a man who told "Your Mom's So Fat" Jokes to Death and then laughed at Death in the face.

Part 4

Vizzinni poured wine into two goblets. The Man In Black pulled out a Pixie Stick full of a poison called Iocane. Iocane, the Man In Black explained to Vizzinni, is odorless, tasteless, and deadly. All the more reason to put it in someone's drink, so that's what the Man In Black did. He did it behind his back so that Vizzinni couldn't see, and then put the goblets back on the rock in between himself and Vizzinni that had served as a table.

Vizzinni said: Oh, let me guess. Now you're going to kill me.
The Man In Black said: I'm not going to kill you, Vizzinni. I'm going to talk to you, and then you're going to kill yourself.

That was an Obscure Sherlock Reference, in case you're wondering.

The Man In Black explained to Vizzinni that he had to decide whether the poison was in the Man In Black's goblet or his own goblet. Then, they would both drink from their respective goblets, one of them would die  via Being Poisoned To Death, and the other would go on his jolly way with the Princess Buttercup.

Vizzinni decided that the poison was most likely in one goblet or the other goblet. Having made his decision, they both drank. Vizzinni laughed at what a moron the Man In Black was. After he died, the Man In Black scooped up Buttercup and made like a tree. Unbeknownst to him, Prince Humperdink was close behind. But the Man In Black was a man who made Doom eat his vegetables, so he was not so easily disturbed.

The Man In Black ran with Buttercup to the top of a large hill on the outskirts of the Fire Swamp. Buttercup was very much put out. She told the Man In Black that she believed him to be the Dread Pirate Roberts who had killed Westley. Then she pushed him down the hill.

She said: "I'll never go with you. You killed my boyfriend!"
The Man In Black, on his way down, said: "No, Buttercup. I am your boyfriend."

Buttercup was quite surprised. But she was a woman who ate True Love for dessert with an abundance of pink frosting, so she threw herself down the hill after Westley. She met him at the bottom where they shared a couple of pecks and called one another idiots. Then, Westley noticed Prince Humperdink on top of the hill, so they ran to their deaths in the Fire Swamp.

I'm getting tired, so I'm going to sum-up the rest quickly.

Westley and Buttercup went into the Fire Swamp where there was a disagreement with an ROUS, or Rodent Of Unusual Size. Buttercup did very little to help and was an overall moron while Westley was nearly chewed to bits.

When they exited the Fire Swamp, they met Prince Humperdink, Count Rugen, and all the king's horses and all the king's men. Buttercup decided to make herself useful by going with Prince Humperdink on the terms that Westley would not be sloshed on the head and taken to the Pit of Despair. After Humperdink rode away with Buttercup, Westley noticed that Count Rugen had six fingers on his right hand, and remembered Inigo's story, but before he could do anything interesting, he was sloshed on the head and taken to the Pit of Despair. But Westley was a man who used Despair as chip dip on Superbowl Sunday, so he was not in the least afraid.

Westley was chained onto a table in the Pit Of Despair where he was tortured and killed by Prince Humperdink and Count Rugen. However, Inigo and Fezzik had found each other and had decided to look for Count Rugen, because Fezzik had found out that Count Rugen was the man who had killed Inigo's father, so they decided to look for Count Rugen until they found Count Rugen so Inigo could kill Count Rugen and he and Fezzik would then go and have some manly fun. Inigo decided it would be a good idea to have help from the Man In Black, so they decided to go and look for the Man In Black until they found the Man In Black so that the Man In Black could go and help them find Count Rugen so that Inigo could go and kill Count Rugen and then all three of them could go and have manly fun.

Fezzik and Inigo found Westley in the Pit of Despair. He was dead, but, as you will remember, Westley was a man who played Go Fish with Death and won, so they decided to get a second opinion.

The second opinion was a man named Miracle Max, who diagnosed Westley as being only Mostly Dead. But Westley was a man who could look Mostly Death in the face and told it that it had a booger hanging out of its nose with little or no embarrassment, so all he needed to do to snap out of it was take a Miracle Pill.

Inigo and Fezzik gave Westley the Miracle Pill, and Westley came back to life, except for he couldn't move because the Miracle Pill needed time to have full effect. Together the three of them made their plans to steal back Buttercup and kill Count Rugen.

Tune in next time for the Grand Finale! Same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel!