Recasting The Lord of the Rings

I was talking to my brother the other day, and we've both noticed that people have complained that The Lord of the Rings movies are racist because none of the characters are black.

So, in order to make the movies "not racist," we've decided to remake all three movies with an entirely African-American cast.

Morgan Freeman will (obviously) play Gandalf.

Will Smith will play Aragorn.

Chris Tucker will play Legolas.

Leslie David Barker (Stanley from "The Office") will play Gimli

Eddie Murphy will play Boromir.

Jaden Smith will play Frodo.

Kid President will play Sam.

Doug E. Doug (Sanka from "Cool Runnings") will play Merry.

Rawle D. Lewis (Junior from "Cool Runnings") will play Pippin.

Lawrence Fishburne will play Elrond.

Queen Latifah will play Galadriel.

Keke Palmer will play Eowyn.

LL Cool J will play Eomer.

Problem solved.

Wildfires

Hello!

If I haven't posted anything in a few days, it's because I've discovered secret hidden powers that I never knew I had and thusly have put them to good use in serving the public. 

I discovered I had said secret hidden powers when I was on youtube and I saw an ad with Smoky Bear pointing at me saying "Only you can stop wildfires." It hit me then that I, and only I, had the power to stop wildfires, so I stopped what I was doing and went out in search of wildfires to stop. 

I found the wildfires to which Smoky Bear had referred, and, with no aid whatsoever from professional Wildfire Stoppers, I stopped them singlebarehandedly. 

Now that I am in full awareness of the great powers I possess, there is no longer any need to fear the deadly power of wildfires, for I will stop them. There is no need to thank me, for if I did not do this, no one else would. As Smoky Bear said, only I can and only I will. 

Now someone please tell Smoky Bear to go soak his head and leave me alone. 

Poem #12: A Couplet

The Couplet is a little poem

he makes two lines, and then goes home. 

Poem #11: The Duke and the Dragon

The Duke of Ottery St. Clare

once poked a Dragon for a dare

between his ribs while he was stealing

one and forty winks

The beast, whose name was Alistair,

then pulled the Duke up by the hair

and punched him in the face so hard

his eye turned blue and pink. 

The Duke felt this was untoward, 

and so he took his mighty sword

and tickled Alistair until

the Dragon lay down flat. 

But now it was the Dragon's turn:

he took a breath, prepared to burn!

The flames spread all throughout and scorched

the Duke's most favorite hat. 

The Duke prepared to strike once more, 

but then a knock came at the door. 

The Dragon said, "Excuse me," and 

the Duke said, "Not at all."

It was the baker's daughter, Bun, 

with hair as golden as the sun, 

and a plate of cakes leftover from

the party at Town Hall. 

The Dragon said, "Come in, dear lass."

and thusly, it has come to pass, 

the Duke and Alistair forgot

their quarrel over cakes. 

But Bun remembers with a laugh

and knows the two are rather daft

but loves them still with all her heart;

it's for them that she bakes. 

Ash Wednesday

Here's how not to celebrate Ash Wednesday:

I just got back from Mass, and I was having a banana with my dinner. The banana was delicious, but I was frustrated about something, so I smashed it into my forehead, because that's the kind of thing I do. Only I forgot that I had ashes on my forehead from Mass, so when I retrieved the banana from my forehead, it had ashes on it. I thought about throwing the banana away, but it was a delicious banana, and the ashes were blessed, so I decided to keep eating it. I figured if "you are dust and to dust you shall return," there's no harm in eating a little dust. You are what you eat, right?

Happy Ash Wednesday!

Poem #10: The Crocodile's Feast

The Crocodile likes to feast

on elephants and other beasts, 

but during Lent he has to fast

especially before each Mass. 

He likes his elephants well done

and cooks them in the burning sun, 

but through this Holy Lenten time,

he feasts on kippers, bread and wine. 

He says the Rosary every day

and knells down in the mud to pray. 

He thanks Our Lady and Our Lord, 

and lets them know they are adored. 

But he can't concentrate on prayer

while birds are flying through the air

and singing of the morning dew,

so Christ comes down to listen too. 

And when the Lenten fast is done,

and Easter Sunday has begun,

Our Lord says to the Crocodile, 

"Be merry, friend, and feast a while."

Poem #9: St. Anthony

Saint Anthony, a it is told, 

finds lost things when their trail is cold

but he has many tales to tell

besides that, as you'll see. 

He had a friend once who, in fact

believed Communion was an act;

he said Our Lord could not be there

because it could not be. 

And so, he told our friend the saint, 

"I've got a donkey here. He ain't 

that much to look at, but he'll help me

prove that I am right.

"I'll starve him for about three days, 

and then I'll offer him some hay

while you hold up the Eucharist

plainly within his sight.

"I'll bet you anything," said he,

"my donkey will come straight to me

to eat some hay, although you say

Our Lord is in your hands."

Saint Anthony agreed to this, 

although he very dearly wished 

the donkey needn't starve for days

although the cause was grand. 

Then finally, the day arrived

on which the donkey would contrive

which friend was right regarding 

the True Presence of Our Lord. 

The donkey was so very thin

that one could see his bones within

his legs were weak and wobbly from 

the hunger he'd endured. 

He saw his master with the straw, 

and with a very faint "hee-haw"

he braced himself to hobble towards

the long-awaited meal. 

But something else then caught his eye:

it was the Saint. He lifted high

the Eucharist. The donkey saw, 

and then began to kneel.

With total disregard for hay, 

the donkey knelt and there he stayed

facing the holy monstrance with 

his face bowed to the dust. 

And since then, it has come to pass, 

the donkey's master comes to Mass

and celebrates the presence of Our Lord

with all his trust.