Dreams

I'm having a very weird night. I've been about two-thirds of the way asleep for about an hour, but not completely asleep, and I've been having a lot of weird dreams. I'm sharing them with the cyberworld mostly because I want to tell my big sister about them and I'm afraid I'll have forgotten by tomorrow.

First, I was watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with my family. My brothers kept making all kinds of sound effects, which was really annoying my big sister Mary, so she yelled at them and they walked out the room ashamed with their heads bowed.

Then Mary and I paused the movie to get a snack. Mary stuffed a tremendous amount of food into her mouth and then started saying the Our Father for no apparent reason. Only, in the dream, the Our Father had the word "whore" instead of "trespasses," so Mary said (with her mouth stuffed with food) "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who BOO, YOU WHORE. HA HA HA HA!"

Then, in the dream, I was trying to go to sleep. I was in a ginormous movie theater, and The Hobbit 2 was playing. There was a close-up of Thorin, and I thought, "gosh, Thorin's so handsome. I could eat a miniature version of his head in a bowl with salad-dressing, along with all the other miniature dwarf-heads."

Then, I was on campus at school, and it was dark. There was a large bridge connecting the science building to the art building. I was in the science building trying to get to the art building when suddenly, I and my Nameless Faceless Colleagues were attacked by a lot of Wood Elves (I think). Right before they attacked us, the Wood Elf Leader said something like, "All right, men! Are you with me?" The first two said, "Yes sir!" but the third one said, "No, I'm scared." Then they charged. Some of my Nameless Colleagues ran to the bridge and quickly assembled some kind of Bear Trap Made Out Of Swords. then the Wood Elves stabbed the Bear Traps, which were triggered and clamped onto their swords, thusly rendering them weaponless, so they had to run back.

When I got tired of that dream, I decided to switch to a different one. Mr. Bean was at a public restroom, except for there were a lot of men in the restroom with him dressed in drag, so he got really scared that he had gone into the women's restroom by accident.

This is why, as I said before, I never refer to my goals and aspirations as "dreams." It's just wrong.

I just read this article, and it made me feel better, so I'm sharing it for my fellow OCD people.

[rated PG-13 for cussing]

http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-no-one-tells-you-about-having-ocd/

Debate: Is Mary Poppins Good Or Evil?

I just had an interesting conversation with my 11-year old brother.

Me: Hey, I just realized: in Middle-Earth, everything evil comes from the East, right?

Anthony: Yeah.

Me: And Mary Poppins comes from the East.

Anthony: Oh!

Me: So Mary Poppins must be a servant of evil come to corrupt the heats of children with her darkness.

Anthony: Yeah, she gets them to like her, and then she makes them evil!

Isaac: What's that?

Anthony: We were saying that Mary Poppins is evil 'cause she comes from the East.

Me: And in Middle-Earth, everything evil comes from the East.

Isaac: Oh, yeah.

Me: But then, Aslan's country is in the East. Does that mean Aslan is evil, or does that mean everything evil is in Middle-Earth, including Mary Poppins, is actually good?

Isaac: Well, Aslan is sort of God.

Me: So Aslan is definitely good.

Anthony: Maybe Aslan set up his country in the evil place so he can fight evil.

Isaac: Yeah!

Me: Or maybe the term "East" is just relative. Like, if you're on one side of the world, East is one way and West is the other way. But if you're on the other side of the world, East is where all the people on the first side of the world are, so logically, they must be evil. But then everywhere in the world is East depending on where you live, so then everybody must be evil.

Isaac: [leaves].

Anthony: yeah....

Me: But then, before Mary Poppins comes, Bert says, "wind's in the East." Does that mean it's coming from the East or going towards the East.

Anthony: yeah...wait...I dunno!

Me: We should watch the movie again and see which way the wethermane, or whatever it's called turns right before she comes.

This Is Why Brains Are Overrated

I hate it when I watch a movie and everybody watching with me points out everything that's wrong with the movie, and then I start inwardly hating on everybody hating on the movie, and then I inwardly punish myself for hating on everybody, and then I inwardly defend myself for liking the movie even though it has flaws, and then I have imaginary conversations with the haters in which I brutally defeat them in defense of the movie, and then I inwardly punish myself for brutally defeating people who aren't actually evil, and then I wonder why this movie is causing this much inner turmoil, and then I feel stupid for making such an internal fuss over just a movie, and then I start defending the movie again to justify my stupid turmoil, and then I feel dumb for being so "obsessed" with the movie, and then I try to stop thinking altogether, and then it doesn't work, and then I go write poetry so I can think about something else.

But then I like writing poems, so logically, I must like it when this happens. Hooray!

How To Play Quidditch In The Muggle World

Hitherto, muggles have been playing Quidditch by holding brooms between their legs and running around throwing balls at each other. And don't get me wrong, that sounds like a brilliant ton of fun, but I believe I've discovered a more effective way for muggles to play Quidditch.

First, we need to eliminate the brooms. And I know, brooms are sort of the whole point of Quidditch, but they are useless to muggles when we want to fly. In order to make a broom fly, you have to be magic, and muggles, by definition, are not.

So instead of brooms, what we need is a giant trampoline. We need a large, rectangular, closed of room that is filled with a trampoline. The audience will sit outside the room and will watch the game through glass walls. The players will be inside the room bouncing around on the trampoline. They won't exactly be flying, but they'll be falling with style while they throw the balls around at each other.

The snitch will be a flying remote-controlled ball controlled by a fifteenth player who is on neither team, and who is blindfolded, moving the controls at random to eliminate bias. It would suck to be that player, but like plumbing and collecting stool samples from exotic animals, it's something that needs to be done and the world wouldn't function without it.

The bludgers would be a couple of Evil Chickens trained to fly and attack people.

Poem #30: The First Nerds

Long, long ago, when all was new

and life was formed with words,

Our Lord needed something else to do,

so He created nerds. 

He said, "Let there be folks who love

their numbers, words, and tales;

who's stories fit them like a glove

and write when all else fails."

He blessed them with creative minds

and skill with ink and pen.

Our Lord made nerds of every kind

for future girls and men.

First there was Doyle, C.S. Lewis,

J.R.R. Tolkien,

then Rowling; in them Our Lord blew His

life so they could dream. 

And now, today, Our Lord looks down

to His fangirls and boys,

He smiles for in every town

the nerds have found their joys. 

Poem #29: Malice in Wonderland (Featuring Capt. Kirk, Mr. Spock, and Dr. McCoy)

The USS Enterprise was a ship 

of great renown and fame,

the exploits the crew have undergone

have given the ship a great name. 

 Captain Jim Kirk was a Mighty Man, 

 his mate Spock was brave and sure, 

the Doctor was just a doctor, dammit,

but any wound he could cure. 

One day, the USS Enterprise landed

on hitherto unknown lands. 

And so, our three heroes ventured out

to see this great planet first-hand. 

The Trio came by a little room

blocked up by a little door;

the entrance was much to small to pass through,

for even a child of four. 

Now standing nearby the little door

was a little table of glass,

and on it a Cookie-Jar bearing the message

"Eat me if you wish to pass." 

The First Mate Spock said, "We'll have to eat 

a cookie if we're to get through."

He reached for the cookie jar, but Captain Kirk said,

"No! step away, you fool!

"These cookies may well be poisoned,

we cannot know without further tests."

 He turned to the Doctor and said, "Hey, Bones,

you try one, then we'll eat the rest."

But Bones said, "Look, Jim, I'm no cookie

enthusiast. I'm just a doctor, you know."

Then Spock said, "The label implies they're not poisoned,

so logically, it must be so."

So Kirk and the Doctor said, "All right, we'll try it,"

and all three took one from the jar. 

They each took a bite, and then dropped down dead,

as an evil voice said, "Har, har, har!"

For that dreadful land was a dreadful place,

where the Bad Queen of Hearts sat at throne.

No man could defy her, and so passed our Trio,

the Captain and Spock and Bones.