The second trailer for Battle of Five Armies is taking a million years too long to be released. So I'm making my own trailer.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to do that, so I'm going to give you a written description of what happens in it.
♪ Epic music ♪
Bilbo: This is like, the best video ever made.
♪ Epic music ♪
Bilbo: Thorin, even though you were a jerk to me, I'll always be your friend.
Thorin: Aw, you're so sweet, Bilbo.
♪ Epic music ♪
Galadriel: Why does everybody think we're in love?
Gandalf: I don't know. We're not in love.
♪ Epic music ♪
Bilbo: These are Moria Orcs. They will outrun you.
Thorin: These are Battle Goats. I'd like to see them try.
♪ Epic music ♪
Kili: Remember Elizabeth's theory about our "relationship?" She was totally right.
Tauriel: She's a genius.
Kili: I know, right? And she's bewitchingly good-looking.
Fili: Ditto that.
Bofur: Takes one to know one.
♪ Epic music ♪
Smaug: *fire*
♪ Epic music ♪
Epic title sequence
THE HOBBIT: THE UNEXPECTED DESOLATION OF THE FIVE ARMIES.
COMING NOT SOON ENOUGH.
BATTLE GOATS RULE.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Coping With The Death Of Your Favorite Character
Harry Potter fans, Hobbit fans, and others have needed/will need a lot of grief counseling because writers, for reasons of their own, often choose to become heartless killers and consequently cast a vast cloud of misery and despair over their readers.
I mention Harry Potter and The Hobbit for obvious reasons, but none of the main characters of Narnia die (until The Last Battle) and I'm not even going to talk about Sherlock because nobody who dies in that show is actually dead. Doctor Who is a little cruel because it's one character dying over and over and over again. I'm not a Game of Thrones fan (I wish I was, but I couldn't get past the nudity), but apparently every single character and his dog dies in blood, doom, and general wretchedness, except for the sassy blonde Malfoy kid, who, I gather, is the only one people want dead. I'm not much of a Star Wars fan either; again, I wish I was, but I tried it was a little too political for my insufficient brains.
What I'm getting at is that being a fanman/fangirl comes with the occupational hazard of drowning in tears every time you read your favorite books or watch your favorite movies, and what we need, in some form or another, is Grief Couseling For Sad Nerds.
Here's what I recommend:
[and I know I just finished complaining about things written in list-form, but it's an easy way of writing things and I don't have all night. Actually I do have all night, but I'd rather spend it sleeping]
1. Ask yourself, "would I like this character as much if he hadn't died? would he be as heroic?" most often (I think, I'm totally speculating here) the answer will be NO.
2. Ask, "did my character die well, or did he die in disgrace and despair?" most often, the answer will be YES, and when it is, you can remind yourself that now there is no possibility of the character dying in disgrace and despair in the fictional future.
3. Go back to the beginning of the book/movie and watch your character being carefree and happy. This will probably make you cry even more, but as Gandalf said, "not all tears are an evil."
4. Drink a lot of alcohol and pretend your character is alive and you're getting married and living long and happy lives away from the torments of reality.
5. Actually, nothing works, you'll just be sad forever. Sorry about that. I have been a sad fangirl since I was about seven years old.
That wouldn't be saying much if I was eight years old now. But I'm twenty-one, so I'm allowed to say that I've been a sad fangirl for a long time. When the time comes, I'm going to set up a bar especially for sad fanmen/fangirls so that they can come and drink and cry and sing "The Parting Glass" when they need to without suffering the mockery of people who actually "live" in the "real" world.
I mention Harry Potter and The Hobbit for obvious reasons, but none of the main characters of Narnia die (until The Last Battle) and I'm not even going to talk about Sherlock because nobody who dies in that show is actually dead. Doctor Who is a little cruel because it's one character dying over and over and over again. I'm not a Game of Thrones fan (I wish I was, but I couldn't get past the nudity), but apparently every single character and his dog dies in blood, doom, and general wretchedness, except for the sassy blonde Malfoy kid, who, I gather, is the only one people want dead. I'm not much of a Star Wars fan either; again, I wish I was, but I tried it was a little too political for my insufficient brains.
What I'm getting at is that being a fanman/fangirl comes with the occupational hazard of drowning in tears every time you read your favorite books or watch your favorite movies, and what we need, in some form or another, is Grief Couseling For Sad Nerds.
Here's what I recommend:
[and I know I just finished complaining about things written in list-form, but it's an easy way of writing things and I don't have all night. Actually I do have all night, but I'd rather spend it sleeping]
1. Ask yourself, "would I like this character as much if he hadn't died? would he be as heroic?" most often (I think, I'm totally speculating here) the answer will be NO.
2. Ask, "did my character die well, or did he die in disgrace and despair?" most often, the answer will be YES, and when it is, you can remind yourself that now there is no possibility of the character dying in disgrace and despair in the fictional future.
3. Go back to the beginning of the book/movie and watch your character being carefree and happy. This will probably make you cry even more, but as Gandalf said, "not all tears are an evil."
4. Drink a lot of alcohol and pretend your character is alive and you're getting married and living long and happy lives away from the torments of reality.
5. Actually, nothing works, you'll just be sad forever. Sorry about that. I have been a sad fangirl since I was about seven years old.
That wouldn't be saying much if I was eight years old now. But I'm twenty-one, so I'm allowed to say that I've been a sad fangirl for a long time. When the time comes, I'm going to set up a bar especially for sad fanmen/fangirls so that they can come and drink and cry and sing "The Parting Glass" when they need to without suffering the mockery of people who actually "live" in the "real" world.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Prayers for Brittany Maynard
I want to say something about the poor woman with cancer who plans on ending her life on her own terms.
First off, if she does do it, please don't assume she's going to hell for it. No matter what anybody does, there is always always always "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" to look to.
I was going to give a long explanation of why it's horrible to end your own life, but as usual I've overestimated my ability to convert brain waves into actual words. Suicide has always given me the chills, and I can't imagine what it would be like to know someone who could do that to himself and to his family.
I think that's the whole theme of Harry Potter. Voldemort tries both to elude and control death and inflicts suffering on countless others; Dumbledore and Grindelwald look for the Hallows in order to be "masters of death" with horrible results; but Harry masters his own death by accepting it and walking into it by his own will. It's a bit like Abraham Lincoln's saying, "I defeat my enemies when I make them my friends," if I've got that right. Death, the enemy, is defeated when you befriend it.
First off, if she does do it, please don't assume she's going to hell for it. No matter what anybody does, there is always always always "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" to look to.
I was going to give a long explanation of why it's horrible to end your own life, but as usual I've overestimated my ability to convert brain waves into actual words. Suicide has always given me the chills, and I can't imagine what it would be like to know someone who could do that to himself and to his family.
I think that's the whole theme of Harry Potter. Voldemort tries both to elude and control death and inflicts suffering on countless others; Dumbledore and Grindelwald look for the Hallows in order to be "masters of death" with horrible results; but Harry masters his own death by accepting it and walking into it by his own will. It's a bit like Abraham Lincoln's saying, "I defeat my enemies when I make them my friends," if I've got that right. Death, the enemy, is defeated when you befriend it.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
5 Things That Bother Me About List Articles
I am constantly running into articles entitled something like "20 Things You Should Know About Ebola," "15 Times Disney Proved You Don't Need a Man To Save You," "5000 People I Encountered Today Who Need To Go Soak Their Heads," etc. They sort of bother me after a while, probably for no good reason, I just enjoy being annoyed. But they get a little old, because
1. The list never includes what I think/hope it's going to include, which is annoying.
2. The titles aren't interesting to read, which doesn't really matter, I just get tired of reading them every time I go online which rhymes which is awesome.
3. I ran out of things to say, I just don't feel like getting up to brush my teeth.
4. It's more fun to read something written as a complete thought that flows more and isn't "bam, bam, bam."
5. They cause me to make stupid posts like this one and lose sleep.
Also, Disney, some people do need a man to save them. If I'm ever like, dead, and the only way I can come back to life is if a man kisses me, then I need a man to kiss me, hence, I need a man to save me. So far I've spent most of my life in chill mode. If I'm ever in a desperate situation with little or no hope of escape and no man is coming to save me, I might just be screwed.
1. The list never includes what I think/hope it's going to include, which is annoying.
2. The titles aren't interesting to read, which doesn't really matter, I just get tired of reading them every time I go online which rhymes which is awesome.
3. I ran out of things to say, I just don't feel like getting up to brush my teeth.
4. It's more fun to read something written as a complete thought that flows more and isn't "bam, bam, bam."
5. They cause me to make stupid posts like this one and lose sleep.
Also, Disney, some people do need a man to save them. If I'm ever like, dead, and the only way I can come back to life is if a man kisses me, then I need a man to kiss me, hence, I need a man to save me. So far I've spent most of my life in chill mode. If I'm ever in a desperate situation with little or no hope of escape and no man is coming to save me, I might just be screwed.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
How To Not Be A Complete Wacko
After living on this Earth for 21 years, I've decided to conclude that there are way too many people who need to take a chill pill.
That is, each one of them has to take a separate chill pill. It's not like there's one huge chill pill for all the people who need to chill. Because that would be like trying to put one giant chocolate chip into several little cookies, which doesn't work.
If you happen to be one of the several million people on this planet who needs to take a chill pill, and you don't have access to a chill pill of any kind, here is
How To Not Be A Complete Wacko
by Yours Truly.
1. Don't text someone you only just met about your sister's invasive surgery on her personal anatomy. I don't know your sister, but she probably doesn't appreciate it.
2. Don't try to convince someone you don't know that he [in this case she] needs to make drastic changes in his [her] life.
3. Don't hint to said person that if she doesn't make said drastic changes, she is inadequate as a human being.
4. Don't say offensive things about said person's religious beliefs.
5. Don't smell weird and then try to hug said person.
6. Don't suggest to said person that her mental illness is not a relevant issue.
I think that covers it.
Also,
7. Do compliment person on her awesome shirt as you walk by. The words "nice shirt,"though said with very little effort, are appreciated.
8. Also, don't have the following conversation:
Hopefully Not You: I'm studying this, this, this, and this.
Me: Wow, that's awesome!
Hopefully Not You: Yeah.
Instead, have this conversation:
You: Are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse?
Me: Yep.
You: Me too.
Anyway I'm tired. Good night!
That is, each one of them has to take a separate chill pill. It's not like there's one huge chill pill for all the people who need to chill. Because that would be like trying to put one giant chocolate chip into several little cookies, which doesn't work.
If you happen to be one of the several million people on this planet who needs to take a chill pill, and you don't have access to a chill pill of any kind, here is
How To Not Be A Complete Wacko
by Yours Truly.
1. Don't text someone you only just met about your sister's invasive surgery on her personal anatomy. I don't know your sister, but she probably doesn't appreciate it.
2. Don't try to convince someone you don't know that he [in this case she] needs to make drastic changes in his [her] life.
3. Don't hint to said person that if she doesn't make said drastic changes, she is inadequate as a human being.
4. Don't say offensive things about said person's religious beliefs.
5. Don't smell weird and then try to hug said person.
6. Don't suggest to said person that her mental illness is not a relevant issue.
I think that covers it.
Also,
7. Do compliment person on her awesome shirt as you walk by. The words "nice shirt,"though said with very little effort, are appreciated.
8. Also, don't have the following conversation:
Hopefully Not You: I'm studying this, this, this, and this.
Me: Wow, that's awesome!
Hopefully Not You: Yeah.
Instead, have this conversation:
You: Are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse?
Me: Yep.
You: Me too.
Anyway I'm tired. Good night!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)