Poem: Thesaurus Rex

I don't remember what number this is, and I don't care.

Dear Reader, liven mind and heart,

peruse your lengthy tomes,

discover adjectives anew 

whilst noshing drupes and pomes 

Recall, millenia ago,

no synonym existed

Until one reptile conjured them

as plates tectonic shifted. 

Thesaurus Rex was he, the King

of all beasts wordly-wise,

his erudition such so that

his knowledge scraped the skies.

He plucked words from the highest trees

and planted them below

where grew their Greek and Latin roots,

so very long ago. 

He fished for adverbs in the lakes

and adjectives on land

he excavated nouns with care 

and sprung them from the sand. 

And though, today, the Earth is tame

and dinosaurs no more,

vocabulary grows throughout,

from crust to molten core.

Big Red

Me: Oh, by the way my car has a new name.

Thomas and/or Isaac: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, now I call him "Big Red."

Disclaimer: my car looks like this:

Thomas: Why don't you call it "Little Blue?" 

Me: Because "Big Red"'s  a conversation starter. If I call my car "Little Blue," nobody's going to ask me, "Why did you decide to call your car 'Little Blue?'" Whereas if I call it "Big Red," they'll ask me about it. 

Thomas: Ah, that makes sense. 

Isaac: Yeah, but what're you going to say when they ask you why you call your car "Big Red?" 

Me: I'll just say what I'm saying now. 

Isaac: Yeah, but we're not talking about why you call your car "Big Red." 

Thomas: Yeah we are. We've been talking about it this whole time. 

Me: I call it "Big Red" because it's a conversation starter. 

Isaac: Yeah but this isn't much of a conversation. 

Me: Yeah, but we wouldn't even be talking if I called my car "Little Blue" instead of "Big Red." 

Thinking back, the conversation was more lengthy, but it mostly just kept going in circles. Also I've cut out the bits where we were all talking at once and snort-laughing at each other stupid retorts. 

Toy Story 4 [Part 2]

Please note that this is Part 2, and that Part 1 may be found in The Archives.

When we left off last time, Buzz Lightyear had just lost the Stunt-Off with the Legolas Action Figure and his rival in the battle for Jessie's hand. Buzz is now wallowing in a deep depression and Legolas is attempting to woo Jessie.

Meanwhile, some distance across the continent, Andy has emerged as The 75th Reincarnation of The Mighty Tim from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and as such is deemed a Benevolent Personage Of Great Power And Repute. However, Dark Enemies are seeking a way to destroy Andy for his Benevolence and his Great Power and his Repute. They decide to summon Andy's Evil Counterpart from Hell using a spell that requires an object to which Andy has been attached, in this case, Woody.

Woody is thusly stolen by the Dark Enemies and taken to their Hideout. Buzz and Legolas must now put aside their differences and combine forces to save their friend, which they do through a series of complicated escape tactics of which I am not aware because it's too late at night and I don't feel like thinking of any. But I do know that in the process of rescuing Woody and saving Andy from Total Annihilation, Legolas discovers that he is, in fact, a toy. Having thus been stripped of his supposed identity, Legolas decides not to woo Jessie (who prefers Buzz anyway) and to do some of his own soul-searching in privacy. Buzz proclaims his love for Jessie and they are married, while Legolas writes a self-help autobiographical novel entitled Toy Story: A Tale of Self-Acceptance and Coping with Being Constantly Friend-zoned by Ginger Maidens.

And they all lived Happily Ever After.

Fin.

Toy Story 4 [Part 1]

I've been hearing rumors lately that Pixar plans to make a Toy Story 4 movie.

Before everyone starts complaining that this movie will be anticlimactic and unnecessary, let me explain why this could easily be the greatest movie ever in the history of Hollywood. I shall do this by giving a quick summary of the plot I have predicted:

Toy Story 4 

Setting: Woody, Buzz, Jessie, etc. have all been re-donated to Sunnyside which is now Cool and Groovy since the demise of Lotso and his totalitarian society. They live in the Butterfly Room and are played with every day and hitherto have been quite happy.

Buzz and Jessie have been cautiously calculating their affection for each other, which will be a significant constituent of the goings-on of the film.

One day, a batch of new toys is donated to Sunnyside. None of them are important except for one. He is

wait for it

a

Legolas Action Figure.

Like Buzz in the first Toy Story, Legolas is unaware that he is a toy and not a badass physics-defying butt-kicking awesomesauce blonde dude with unequaled skill at absolutely everything. When not on playtime duty, he goes about doing eyeball-bugging stunts and doing his best to impress the hell out of Jessie, for whom he has the hots. This, obviously, makes Buzz a little jealous and he tries to subdue Legolas by telling him that he is, in fact, a toy and not a badass physics-defying butt-icking awesomesauce blonde dude with unequaled skill at absolutely everything. Legolas, however, will have none of that, and is determined to win Jessie's hand.

Jessie, meanwhile, is unaware that the two are vying for her affection, and does nothing to reassure Buzz that her heart belongs to him, and she merely enjoys watching Legolas be a badass physics-defying butt-kicking awesomesauce blonde dude with unequaled skill at absolutely everything.

Buzz soon becomes frustrated and challenges Legolas to a stunt-off. Legolas accepts.

So as not to confuse the laymen who don't know what a stunt-off is, allow me to explain: a stunt-off is basically the same thing as a walk-off in Zoolander: Player 1 does a stunt, Player 2 replicates the stunt and elaborates, Player 1 replicates the elaborated replica and elaborates further, etc. The first player who is unable to replicate and elaborate satisfactorily loses, and the winner gets Jessie's hand and bragging rights.

Unfortunately for Buzz, Legolas wins the stunt-off. We are all very sorry for Buzz, of course, but Legolas just had to win, because it couldn't have happened any other way. Legolas is now convinced that he and Jessie will pledge themselves to one another and live Happily Ever After. However, Jessie is somewhat confused, and Legolas, being the gentleman he is, assures her that they will take it slow and just court each other until she's ready to be his wife.

Meanwhile, Buzz falls into a deep depression. He has lost his dignity and his girl, and he will never be happy again.

Which is all very depressing, but I'm tired now, so I'll finish tomorrow.

Good night!

Overthinking Again Because It's More Fun

What ho,

I haven't posted anything in a while. Except for this one which I think I'll actually post instead of saving do drafts and then deleting. 

I haven't posted anything in a while because lately I feel like when I post things I look like this: 

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME"

Also I haven't posted anything in a while because lately all I've felt like thinking about in my spare time is Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit and Tolkien in general, and I can only say that the books and movies are brilliant so many times before people start trying to kill me. 

I started writing a Tolkien post the other day, detailing all the reasons why the Tolkien purists should be able to enjoy the Hobbit movies in order to convince my conscience that it's all right for me to enjoy them, but that turned out to be more of a snooty elitist my-opinion-is-the-only-one-that-matters kind of post, so I deleted it.

Tonight I had some free time, and I started thinking about something other than Middle Earth, and I thought, "I could write a blog post about that." But then I stopped thinking about it and started thinking about Middle Earth again, and now I've forgotten what it was. But in my defense, I don't care. 

I haven't been reading much lately either. That's partly because once I begin reading, I start thinking, "I wish I could write a book," and then I think, "if I wrote a book, it'd be like this:" and then my head starts narrating like "Elizabeth turned the page cautiously, anxious to find clues as to Luthien's fate, but to no avail. The story continued to relate the conversation between Thingol and Melian. Elizabeth continued reading, and found herself thinking, "I should write a blog post summarizing The Silmarillion because that would be fun and useful for anyone who doesn't have time or energy to read the whole book. I could start it like, "What ho, fellow Gondorks! I am delighted to say that after several attempts, I have finished The Silmarillion beyond all hope, and it was brilliant. In case you're not familliar with The Silmarillion, here's a Quick Sum-Up which I hope you'll find useful: 'Once Upon A Time, there was a Supreme Being called Iluvatar, who one day decided to create some Other Less Supreme But Still Very Important Beings called the Ainur by making music.' " and I would keep going until the end, and then I could adapt it into a musical and use the 'Agony' song from Into the Woods as a template for Beren pining for Luthien..." 

So, like I said, I haven't read much lately. 

I wanted to write a post about how Beren and Luthien are similar to Kili and Tauriel, but I'm not allowed to succumb to the temptation to keep trying to convince myself that I'm right when I know it doesn't really matter, because it's just an opinion and having an opinion different from other people doesn't make me a bad person. But on the other hand, I'm also supposed to be breaking out of my shell and stating my opinions more forcefully than I hitherto have been doing, which is a very awkward sentence and I shouldn't have worded it like that. So I was a bit of a crossroads, and "crossroads" obviously made me think of Supernatural, and then I wanted to go back and re-watch seasons 1-9, which I did, and so I thusly ended up forgetting about Beren and Luthien for the time being. 

In case I don't post anything in the next couple of days, I wish all the Berens and Luthiens in the world a happy St. Valentine's day, and to all the Turins and Nienors out there who aren't so lucky in love, I suggest you just eat some pie and have a Disney movie marathon with all your girl friends (if you're a girl) and watch whatever it is that men watch with all your man friends (if you're a guy). Although if you are exactly like Turin and Nienor than you're probably married to your sister or brother (respectively) in which case I would advise you to get an annulment as soon as possible and then go gargle some detergent and get your memory erased. 

Good night!

Poem #45: Manlach

*manlach I believe means "blessed flame."

Light illumine thought unspoken

Secret kept and oath unbroken

Light bereft of stain and sadness

moon aloft and star awoken

Light alive with holy oil

Warm above the tepid soil

Light to cut the night with gladness

Soothing pain and lifting toil

Light with soul and spirit shining

Malady and mirth combining

Light amidst a mournful madness

Brush your skin on creatures pining