BORED

GREETINGS EARTH CREATURES

Today it is May 30th, and everybody on facebook is done with school except me. This is INTOLERABLE. I've been in school since September and I'm BORED! BOORED! and I want to go to Disneyland.

BORED!

I can't think of anything to say now.

Oh yeah, I just had a Coke, so now I'm caffeinated, which is not a good thing when one is BORED. If one is tired when one is bored, then one can take a nap or relax with a nice decaf coffee, but when one is caffeinated when one is bored, then absolutely nothing suffices to fulfill one's caffeinated aspirations of not being bored.

Question: if I drink a lot of coffee and hype up the wires and plumbing with caffeine, and then I get eaten by a Zombie, does the Zombie get full of caffeine? Is eating a caffeinated person the equivalent to drinking caffeinated coffee? If I ever find out that I have a terminal disease and am going to die in about five minutes, I think I'll drink a vat of coffee and then go to Africa and get eaten by a Lion, and someone can film the Lion to see how hyper he gets after eating me. In my food science class, there's this one kind of pesticide or something that somehow increases in dosage every time it goes up the food chain. I don't know how to word that. Here's an example. A rabbit accidentally eats some pesticide, and now there's 1 milliliter of pesticide inside the rabbit. Then Smeagol eats the rabbit, and for some reason, there's now 10 milliliters of pesticide inside Smeagol. Then Sam gets POd at Smeagol and eats him, and now there's 100 milliliters of pesticide inside Sam. Then Frodo and Sam run out of Lembas, so, in a moment of desperation and because his Soul is being consumed by the Ring and he can't help himself, Frodo gets hungry and eats Sam, so now there's 1000 milliliters of pesticide inside Frodo. Fortunately, the pesticide is effective against all pests, including Evil Rings of Doom, so the Ring is inadvertently destroyed via pesticide, and Middle Earth (except for Sam) is saved. Which is very sad, because I like Sam very much.

But I should be getting back to work now.

Over and out.

Epic Master Plan

Hello!

I have an Epic Master Plan.

Today I was thinking, doing that last post with the Lord of the Rings/Sound of Music mashup was jolly good fun. So I decided, in my spare time, I'm going to make a whole Lord of the Rings Musical. Not just with Sound of Music songs; I started it a bit and I've got some Beauty and the Beast, Sword in the Stone, and The King and I, and left off at the Council of Elrond. But I plan on finishing it, and when it's finished, I'll make a Very Long post starring Lord of the Rings: The Musical. This is exciting for me because I get to think about Lord of the Rings a lot and I don't have to pin a lot of pictures on Pinterest or re-re-re-re-re-re-watch the movies, which I don't mind doing, but I've done it already several times.

So, if all goes well (or not well, depending on how much you like Lord of the Rings mixed with Stupidity), you will be forced to endure a very large dosage of the rubbish my brains vomit out when I'm bored.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I've been listening to Cabin Pressure all week, and I need to say that Arthur Shappey is My New Favorite Person In The Entire World, and he's Brilliant.

Cheerio!

The Sound of Music (Tolkien Style)

I'm bored, so here's how they sing "Do Re Me" in Middle Earth.

 ♫ Fro...Do. The heeero of the book,
Wraith, a rider dressed in blaaack. 
Me...rry, Frodo's Hobbit friend. 
Saaaaauron's probably on craaaack. 
So, they must destroy the Riiiing.
Blah, the Quest is very loooong. 
Team: the Fellowship's the thiiiing
and that brings us back to Frodo, Frodo...

Froooodooo must destroy the ring, 
oor theey wiiiill looooose eeeveryyyyythiiiing!  ♫ 

And here's the Goat Song. I don't remember what it's actually called. 

 ♫ Under a hill lived a lonely Hobbit,
laydee-odle laydee-odle lay hee ho!
Bad was the Ring of the loney Hobbit,
laydee-odle laydee-odle looooo.

Wraiths dressed in black sniffed and thought they saw it
laydee-odle laydee-odle lay hee ho!
So the began to pursue the Hobbit,
laydee-odle laydee odle loooooo! ♫ 

That's all I can think of right now. 

And here's 16 Going on 17. 

This is Arwen to Aragorn: 

 ♫  You are 87, going on 88,
Baby, it's time to think.
Better beware of Sauron out there, yo
Baby, you're on the briiink.

You are 87 going on 88,
Fellows will fall in line
Hobbits and men again and again
will ask you to not resign. 

Totally unprepared are you
to face a world of orcs
timid and shy and scared are you
of looking like a dork.

You need someone older and wiser 
telling you what to doooo
I'm immortal, going on mortal,
Iii'll take caaare of youuuuuu.  ♫ 

That's all I got. Good night!

Reason #500 why English Grammar Needs Revision

Good morning!

It is now 10:43 in the AM on a Wednesday, and I've already made a hash out of almost everything I've done today. I woke up with the same headache that I had last night, and wanted to lie in bed and do nothing, but couldn't because I've got a Dumb Annoying Dastardly Project on Raw Milk vs. Pasteurized Milk that I've got to finish up for my food science class, and it's due today. 

So I was doing research some research via the Internet which is completely overrated in my opinion, and I came across an article that had pretty much everything I was looking for. This was great, and I added a bunch of the information into my report, but then I finished and looked at the source so I could put it in my Extremely Irritating But Mandatory Diabolical Bibliography. Anyone in college/high school/Hogwarts knows that professors are FUSSY AS HECK about using "Scholarly Sources." The article that I had fallen in love with because it was so helpful turned out to be taken from a book called "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader." Not that there's anything wrong with that; I have a great deal of respect for bathrooms, but I don't think my professor would appreciate my using that source because it doesn't appear very "scholarly." I don't see why it shouldn't though, I mean, scientists and historians and what-not have to use the bathroom too. But anyway, I had to scrap that part of my essay and do a bit of re-writing, which isn't a big deal, it's just annoying because I don't want to. 

I was having a Nice Hot Cup of Coffee with my report and, like an Idiot, put my coffee on my bed because as I've said before, my desk/bedside table is too far away. But then I forgot it was there and reached for something and knocked it over, so my sheets are now completely drenched and I have laundry to do on top of everything ruddy else. 

I probably sound very grumpy today, but I'm actually not. Doing Stupid Things is often more entertaining than anything for me. 

After I my information from the Bathroom Reader went down the drain (BAHAHAHAHA I CRACK MYSELF UP), I was doing some more research and in one article I came across the sentence, 

"Examination of lactating animals and milk handlers, while desirable and of great value, can be done only at intervals."

That made me laugh. That's about the weirdest way they could word that sentence. Here's why:

1. Are the milk handlers lactating too, or just the animals?
2. Are the animals and milk handlers "desirable" or are they referring to the examination?

That just sounds Weird on so many levels. Weird people. I wonder if they ever realized how Weird it sounds. Or maybe they did notice it, but just kept it in cause they're Weird. It just looks wrong. Wrong and Weird. 

Speaking of which, my sister Mary knows the origin of the word "weird," and I don't remember the details at the moment, but if you know her, you should ask, cause it's a Neat Story. 

Hey it's 11:11! make a wish!

I should get back to work. Time to get back to the desirable milk handlers. That's just so weird. 

Bye!

Cheer Up

Just in case anyone happens to be having a bad day, I'm posting one of my favorite Cheer-Up quotes from Lord of the Rings. This is a guaranteed cure for any general feelings of bummedness.

" Gandalf stood before him, robed in white, his beard now gleaming like pure snow in the twinkling of the leafy sunlight. 'Well, Master Samwise, how do you feel?' he said.

But Sam lay back, and stared with open mouth, and for a moment, between bewilderment and great joy he could not answer. At last he gasped: 'Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What's happened to the world?'

'A great Shadow has departed,' said Gandalf, and then he laughed, and the sound was like music, or like water in a parched land; and as he listened the thought came to Sam that he had not heard laughter, the pure sound of merriment, for days upon days without count. It fell upon his ears like the echo of all the joys he had ever known. But he himself burst into tears."

-The Return of the King, p. 246 by J.R.R. Tolkien. All of the other pages were also by J.R.R. Tolkien, a genius in the making.

Hope you enjoyed, and have a nice day [:

More on Music and the English Language

Hello!

It's very late and I should be getting to sleep, but I had a soda not too long ago and forgot that sodas usually have caffeine in them, and now I've got caffeine in the wires and plumbing, and it hasn't worn off yet, so I'll be up for at least a few more minutes. 

Ever since I watched Les Miserables the other day, I've had "I Dreamed a Dream" stuck in my head, but the thing is I keep forgetting how it goes after one point, and so after that one point it always changes to "Part of your World" from  The Little Mermaid. It's something like this:

♪ I dreamed a dream in time gone by
 when hope was high and life worth living
 I dreamed that love would never die
 I dreamed that God would be forgiving
 up where they walk
 up where they run 
 up where they stay all day in the sun
 wanderin free 
wish I could be 
part of that woooooooorld ♪

Grr. It's really annoying. Sometimes when that happens I need to just listen to the song a lot so that when it gets stuck in my head, the whole thing will get stuck in my head and it won't change to a different song, because it's not supposed to do that. I don't even like the song "Part of your World." The same thing happens with a song from Snow White. It always changes to one of the songs from Fiddler on the Roof:

♪ With a smile and a sooong 
Life is just like a bright sunny day 
Your cares fade away
and your heart is youuuung.
Whooo could see that a maaan would come
who could chaaaange the shape of my DREEEEEAMMMMS? ♪

Urgh now I've got that stuck in my head. How does stuff get stuck in the head? Why can't I just turn it off? It's my brain, you'd think I'd have control over it. I can get it out by listening to a different song, but then I just have a different song stuck in my head, and that's not the same thing as not having anything stuck in my head. And the worst part is, I've got it stuck in my head with Snow White's deranged chipmunk voice. It's disgusting. Although, even though I can't turn off the song in my head, maybe I could try to think it in someone else's voice, like Benedict Cumberbatch or Alan Rickman. By the way, Benedict Cumberbatch can do a brilliant impression of Alan Rickman's voice. It's on youtube. 

Sometimes if I watch too much of one TV show I start thinking in one of the characters' voices. Like one time I watched about fifty episodes of Get Smart before bed, and then I was trying to say Bedtime Prayers silently in my head and they kept coming in Maxwell Smart's voice. It's kind of horrible when I watch too much Batman. Then when I say Bedtime Prayers I'm thinking "Holy Mary, mother of God!" in my head in Burt Ward's voice. 

There was one time where me and my family were hooked on the show Burn Notice, and after watching about five hundred episodes, I kept narrating how to do whatever I happen to be doing inside my head. That's an awkward sentence. That's another one that would be better like a mathematical expression. 

"After watching about five hundred episodes, I kept (narrating)^{inside my head} how to do whatever I happened to be doing."

<sup>That's a lot less visually challenging. See English should be a lot more like math. I always think of that when there's an adjective in front of a list of nouns like this: 

"Get me some green beans, potatoes, and carrots." 

Does he want the potatoes and carrots to be green too, or is it just the beans? That's a bad example because potatoes and carrots aren't green to my knowledge, unless every single person in Whole World is color blind. That would be weird. But if, hypothetically (or not, if we actually are color blind), potatoes and carrots did have the option of being green, how would I know whether to get green potatoes and carrots, or regular potatoes and carrots? If he wanted green potatoes and carrots and was writing it in a grocery list, he could put it like this: "Get me some green (beans, potatoes, carrots)." Then I could use the Distributive Property to deduce that he wants green beans, green potatoes, AND green carrots. 

I'm not a huge math person. I'm all right at it, not brilliant or anything, and I don't LOVE it, I just think some basic algebra would simplify the English Language by about a million lightyears.</sup> 

But I'm officially tired now, so I'm off to bed. Good night!

Les Miserables

Hey all,

Today, my aunt rented "Les Miserables" from Redbox, and she put it on almost two hours ago for us to watch. I was watching it and enjoying it, but I'm sleepy so I stopped watching it. But it's very good so far. It's a little depressing, though. Not just because it's about people with depressing lives, but also cause it makes my life look sad. I feel very unproductive sometimes when I watch movies about people who fight like the dickens to get their lives into shape. It's almost like my life is too good. There's times when I feel like a Knight in Shining Armor with no Dragons to fight, and I'm thinking, what'll I do now? I need someone to chuck some Dragons at me so I can dish out some Courage and Honor at them instead of sitting here pretending to be good at blogging and watching TV.

But that's enough moping for now. I'm just a bit tired, and I'm still shell-shocked from that agriculture essay that took me all of this week to write. I've got some hot tea now, and my room is sort of clean, so life is good.

If you haven't seen Les Miserables, here's a quicky sum-up of what I've seen so far.

WARNING: contains spoilers [:


It's a musical, so I'll put it in a song:

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of the Poor in France,
It started out with Jean Valjean,
a man without finance.
(a man without finance).

Valjean was a Mighty Stealing Man,
Javert was his Mortal Foe.
Valjean was released from priiison
Much to Javert's great woe.
(much to Javert's great woe).

Valjean went home and became the mayor
of the city in which he lived,
He helped out the poor when e'er he could
And money to them gived.
(and money to them gived).

Fantine worked in a factory
and was unjustly fired.
So she became a prostitute
Which was not what she desired.
(not what she desired).

Valjean saw Fantine and rescued her
but then, alas, she died.
He then sought out her daughter Cosette
And took her by his side.
(and took her by his side).

Cosette grew up and fell in love
with a Revolutionary Dude
Who was loved by a girl named Eponine
And her love for him only grewed.
(her love for him only grewed).

That's where I left off. Talking to people feels weird now, I feel like I should be singing.

Good night!

Weird Discussions With Thomas #1

Here's something to chew on.

My kid brother Thomas and I were talking the other day about the Big Bang, and how, if you take God out of the equation, it's all about a few particles that explode into more particles. We were talking about ways the particles could have gotten there in the first place without God. I don't believe they could, and neither does Thomas, but anyway, he said what if in the Future, we invent a Time Machine, and then we go back in time to the Big Bang and put the particles there ourselves?

WEIRD

By the way this is Weird Discussions With Thomas #1, because I've had a lot of Weird Discussions With Thomas, and if I happen to suddenly remember another interesting one, I'll put it in and call it Weird Discussions With Thomas #2, plus I expect to be having a lot more Weird Discussions With Thomas in the future that I'll want to record.

Good night!

Condensing Movie or Book Series Into One Very Long Movie or Book

Hello!

This part of my life is called "procrastinating." I have another dumb essay to write for agriculture class that's due tomorrow, and I've got most of it done but I need to finish it and I really don't feel like it, besides the TV's on and I can't work and watch TV at the same time. 

My aunt's watching NCIS. I don't know why, but that show irritates me. I spose it's cause it's one of those shows where everybody is perfect and good-looking except for the one mandatory character who's quirky and weird, but lovable at the same time, and all the characters are a bit too fast with the smooth, witty comebacks. You could say they're too fast with the witty comebacks in Psych too I guess, but at least their comebacks are funny most of the time. AAUGH now they're doing an autopsy. That is gross. And now he's scratching his nose with an autopsy tool. This can't be sanitary.  

Another show my aunt watches I think is one of the CSI shows. I don't remember which one, but it's the one with Dartagnan from one of the five billion Three Musketeer movies and LL Cool J. I would like to take the skin from LL Cool J's head and make a pillow out of it. I think that's the same show with the short lady who looks a bit like Edna Mode from The Incredibles. 

I'm trying to think how many Three Musketeers movies there are. There's the one with Gene Kelly, the one with the CSI dude and Kiefer Sutherland, and the one with Orlando Bloom. That's only three though, I thought there were a ton more. Excuse me while I imdb that. Hah! I was right there's six of them, and that doesn't include "Barbie and the Three Musketeers" and "Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers." I still thought there were more though. I thought I'd counted and there were about eight. Oh no that was Planet of the Apes. My bad. Ok I just imdb'd Planet of the Apes, and they've got "Planet of the Apes" the movie, "Planet of the Apes" the TV series, "Planet of the Apes" the other movie, "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes," "Beneath the Planet of the Apes," "Escape from the Planet of the Apes," "Battle for the Planet of the Apes," "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes," and "Behind the Planet of the Apes." They should make one really long movie called "Rise of the Dawn of the Conquest of the Battle in which They Escape Behind and Beneath the Planet of the Apes." 

What if they did the same thing for Harry Potter? They'd have to call the movie something like, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prisoner's Stone Chamber of Phoenix Fire." And then Lord of the Rings would be "The Fellowship of the Two Kings." Hah! A Series of Unfortunate Events would be, "The Bad, Reptilian, Wide, Miserable, Austere, Ersatz, Vile, Hostile, Carnivorous, Slippery, Grim, Penultimate End."  That would be epic. The Chronicles of Narnia (which is one of the best series in the world, by the way) would be "The Last Voyage of the Magician-Prince's Silver Horse-Lion." 

If they took all three Toy Story movies and put it into one long movie, they could just call it "Toy Story" and be done with it, or they could add one plus two plus three and call it "Toy Story 6." But that would be confusing for the audience if they didn't know how you got there. HAHA Land Before Time would be something like, "Land Before Time 23456643." I'm not sure how many there are now, last I heard the seventh one was coming out, but that was years ago.

But it's late, and I should be getting back to my essay, and there is a tub of ice cream in the freezer calling my name. 

Good night!

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout

Ok I'm back. Hi.

Where was I? Oh yah. I was binging the Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout poem.

Found it. It's a poem called "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take The Garbage Out" by Shel Silverstein, written in 1974.
Here goes:

Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout 
Would not take the garbage out! 
She'd scour the pots and scrape the pans, 
Candy the yams and spice the hams, 
And though her daddy would scream and shout, 
She simply would not take the garbage out. 
And so it piled up to the ceilings: 
Coffee grounds, potato peelings, 
Brown bananas, rotten peas, 
Chunks of sour cottage cheese. 
It filled the can, it covered the floor, 
It cracked the window and blocked the door 
With bacon rinds and chicken bones, 
Drippy ends of ice cream cones, 
Prune pits, peach pits, orange peel, 
Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal, 
Pizza crusts and withered greens, 
Soggy beans and tangerines, 
Crusts of black burned buttered toast, 
Gristly bits of beefy roasts. . . 
The garbage rolled on down the hall, 
It raised the roof, it broke the wall. . . 
Greasy napkins, cookie crumbs, 
Globs of gooey bubble gum, 
Cellophane from green baloney, 
Rubbery blubbery macaroni, 
Peanut butter, caked and dry, 
Curdled milk and crusts of pie, 
Moldy melons, dried-up mustard, 
Eggshells mixed with lemon custard, 
Cold french fried and rancid meat, 
Yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat. 
At last the garbage reached so high 
That it finally touched the sky. 
And all the neighbors moved away, 
And none of her friends would come to play. 
And finally Sarah Cynthia Stout said, 
"OK, I'll take the garbage out!" 
But then, of course, it was too late. . . 
The garbage reached across the state, 
From New York to the Golden Gate. 
And there, in the garbage she did hate, 
Poor Sarah met an awful fate, 
That I cannot now relate 
Because the hour is much too late. 
But children, remember Sarah Stout 
And always take the garbage out!

My dad had this whole thing memorized I think. At least most of it, I remember him reciting bits of it from memory, but I don't think I ever heard him recite the whole thing. I don't remember the part about her "awful fate." Now I really want to know what happens to her, but I can't cause Mr. Silverstein is a jerk who cannot relate stuff when I want him to. Unless "Shel" is a girl's name. I don't know cause I've never heard that name before, unless it's short for Shelley, in which case it's a girl's name. That would make it very embarrassing for me if I met Shel Silverstein and made that mistake. Although if I met him/her/it, I could probably tell whether or not he/she/it is a man or a woman just by looking at him/her/it, unless he/she/it is one of those Persons of Ambiguous Gender, in which case it would be very embarrassing for him/her/it. That would be an awkward conversation. 

Shel: Hello! I'm Shel Silverstein. 

Me: Hello Mr. Shel Silverstein! Nice to meet you. 

Shel: It's Miss Silverstein. 

Me: Oh, I'm so sorry. I couldn't tell. 

Shel: @#$%?!!!!!

Never mind, it would be very embarrassing for both of us, unless I got it right the first time by chance in which case it would be very embarrassing for neither of us. 

ANYWAY: What was I talking about? Oh yes I wanted to know what happens to Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout. That part of the poem is incredibly unspecific so I'll have to rewrite it. The Bolded Parts are mine:

And there, in the garbage she did hate, 
Poor Sarah met an awful fate, 
That I, for you will now relate 
Although the hour is much too late. 
She slipped on a banana peel, 
And through the garbage did she keel
Past many a rotten happy meal, 
Until death's firm grip did she feel. 
So children, remember Sarah Stout 
And always take the garbage out!

There we go! Now I'm happy. I hate ambiguous endings. I think I remember when I was a girl-let watching The Wizard of Oz for the first time and being angry because it doesn't say whether or not the whole thing was supposed to be a dream, or if we're merely given the option of interpreting it that way. It's just an irritating way for the writers to bum their way out of agreeing on how the movie should end. 

That's all I got to say about that. Time for bed. I'll turn out the lights, and close the door. That's all there is. There isn't any more. 

If you get that reference, I'll make you cookies. 

Good night!

Bed/Garbage

Just to try something different, last night I slept with my head at the foot of the bed and my feet at the head of the bed. Here you might be thinking, "EEEWWWW she put her face where her feet go??" but in my defense, I'm a bit shorter than my bed, so my head was actually on that last bit of bed that I don't touch because my feet don't reach there, and my usual head-place isn't contaminated with foot-germs now because my feet didn't reach where my head usually goes, so I'm good.

That reminds me, I still haven't bought a new mattress pad. I will do that later.

That was a nice change of scenery. The scene didn't change, but my perspective changed because I got to wake up looking at my laundry basket instead of my trash can. It's a little depressing waking up to a trash can every day, especially when it hasn't been emptied in about a month, but that's my own fault.

My Dad used to tell us about a poem called "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout" in which "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout would not take the garbage out." If I'm remembering it right. Scuse me while I Bing it. I'm not allowed to Google stuff anymore, because my uncle works for Microsoft. But that's all right with me cause Bing has cool pictures.

I'll Bing it later. My friend just texted me she's out of class and we're going to get hot coco now.

Bye for now [:

Movies To See

Today, my wonderful Dad took me, one of my little brothers, and my little sister to the movies to see Oz the Great and Powerful, and it was lovely and fun. As usual, there were a truckload of previews for upcoming movies, which I don't mind because I like to see what's coming out, so I can go see more movies with more previews for more future movies so I can see what's coming out even later, etc. There's a Ton Of Movies I want to see. Not necessarily in the theaters, because it's loud and expensive, but eventually.

Here's my list for your approval:

1. Man of Steel, for reasons I've already specified.
2. The Lone Ranger because it looks Cool. It used to be called "The Twin Rangers," but one of the rangers got hit by a DeLorean. If you get that reference, I'll make you cookies.
3. Monsters University because Monsters Inc is one of my favorite Pixar movies. I've noticed that Pixar does sequels about ten years apart, which is a bit Weird, but that's all right because it means there's still hope for an Incredibles sequel.
4. After Earth because it looks Cool. Normally I'm not a huge fan of futuristic movies where the Earth is destroyed or otherwise rendered unfit for human habitation, but this one looks good, plus it has Will Smith and he's nice looking.
5. Despicable Me 2
6. Gravity

But first I need to finish watching Star Trek and Doctor Who, and I'll probably need to watch Lord of the Rings about fifty times in between. And I never actually finished the Batman TV show, but I forget where I left off last time so I'm starting all over again. There's soooo much to do. But I'm sleepy now and my entire brain is protesting my awakeness and my eyeballs are about to go postal, so I'd better sleep now.

Good night [:

Star Trek Episode 2

Hello! I just finished watching Episode 2. It was AWESOME. And they changed all the actors/characters except for Spock, and it's even better now.

Here's a quicky sum-up:

Captain Jim Kirk and the crew are going to the planet M 113, I think it was, to see Professor Crater and his wife Nancy, so Dr. Bones McCoy can check up on them and make sure they're doing all right, because as Count Rugen says, "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything." Jim, Bones, and one of the Crew (I disremember his name, but he's not important) beam onto the planet and go to Crater's place. It turns out that Crater's wife, Nancy, is an old girlfriend of Bones's. They go into the Carters' place, and Nancy looks like a different person to everybody and it's creepy. She goes out to get Carter. The Crew Member Whose Name I Have Forgotten goes out too.

A couple minutes later, Carter comes in and he is a Grump. He whines and wails about having to be examined, and then asks for more salt pills. This is Important.

Then there's a scream from outside. They all run out, and see the Crew Member Whose Name I Have Forgotten lying dead with suction-cup marks all over his face and Nancy standing next to him looking like a train wreck. She says that the Crew Member Whose Name I Have Forgotten ate some Bad Berries, and then reminds them to send more salt pills. This is also Important. Jim and Bones beam back up with the body.

Bones looks over the body, and says that there's no salt in him whatsoever, and other than that he's OK, and it doesn't look like he ate Bad Berries. Jim thinks that that's weird.

Jim, and Bones beam back down with a crew member named Green and a Crew Member Whose Name I Have Also Forgotten. The crew members scout around to look for Clues while Jim and Bones chat with Carter, who is still a Grump.

Jim and Bones go back to regroup with Green and the Crew Member Whose Name I Have Also Forgotten.  They find the Crew Member Whose Name I Have Also Forgotten dead with the same red suction cup marks all over his face. Green is also dead, but they don't see him. Nancy is sitting next to him. Bones and Jim start yelling for Green to make sure he's OK. Nancy changes herself so that she looks like Green. Nancy can do that because she's a Shape-Shifter and it's Awesome.

Green nee Nancy joins Jim and Bones. They beam back into the ship, which means that Nancy is now on the ship, which is a Bad Thing. Green nee Nancy scouts around the ship acting Creepy and starts following a girl carrying a tray of food that includes a salt-shaker. He/she follows the girl into Sulu's room and continues to act Creepy. Then he/she leaves. Then he/she changes into a Random Guy, and starts acting Creepy with Uhura and almost starts killing her, but is interrupted at the last minute. Missed it by THAT MUCH.

Meanwhile, Jim tells Bones to take a nap, so Bones goes to his room, but he can't sleep. Jim tells Bones to take a Red Pill, because it'll help him sleep, unless it just takes him out of the Matrix and into the Real World.  
Then Jim goes back onto planet M 113 with Spock to get Carter and Nancy. They don't know that Nancy's on the ship. If they did, they wouldn't go back onto the planet to get Carter and Nancy, they'd go just to get Carter. Anyway, they go back on the planet to get Carter and Nancy. Carter is still a Grump and tells them to make like a tree. Jim gets a message on his Intergalactic Cell Phone, saying that another crew member is dead with red suction-cup marks on his face. Then, Spock finds Green's body. Now they know that there's an IMPOSTER on the ship and it's Awesome.

Back in the ship, Nancy goes to Bones's room and changes back into Nancy. Bones is a little Peeved that nobody told him that they found her. Nancy tells him to take a nap and gives him some of the Red Pills so he can see how far down the rabbit hole goes. Ignore that, I just felt like putting it in.

Jim and Spock conclude that there is a Salt Vampire on the Loose who is sucking salt out of all the crew members and killing them, which is a Bad Thing. They find Carter, and ask him where Nancy is. Carter is still a Grump, and shoots at them with a Laser Gun. Then Jim shoots him with a Stun Gun, thus Stunning him, and it's awesome. When he wakes up, Carter says that Nancy isn't really Nancy, she's a Shape-Shifting Salt Vampire that killed the Real Nancy and is looking for more salt. She hasn't killed him because he was going to get more salt pills.

Jim, Spock, and Carter get back on the ship. Meanwhile, Bones fell asleep, and Salt Vampire Nancy makes herself look like Salt Vampire Bones. Salt Vampire Bones goes up to join the others.

Jim makes Carter confess that he can tell a Salt Vampire when he sees one, but he won't tell them who it is. So Jim tells Salt Vampire Bones who he thinks is Regular Bones to get the Truth Serum. Spock goes with him. Once out of the room, Salt Vampire Bones attacks Spock, but can't suck out his salt because Spock comes from the planet Vulcan, and its Awesome. Side note: this blog thing has spell-check, but it doesn't underline Vulcan with a red-squiggly, so Vulcan is considered a real word, which is furtherly Awesome.

Salt Vampire Bones goes back to Regular Bones's room and turns back into Salt Vampire Nancy, and wakes up Regular Bones and says that they're trying to kill her. This peeves Bones off. Then Jim comes into the room, and tries to warn Bones, but Bones is too peeved off and doesn't believe that the Salt Vampire isn't Nancy, because he still likes Nancy. That's too many negatives in that sentence, I apologize for that. Anyway, Jim tries to show Bones that Nancy is actually a Salt Vampire by tempting her with some salt. Salt Vampire Nancy goes for the salt, but Bones doesn't see her because he's still Peeved at Jim. Then Salt Vampire Nancy starts killing Jim, and Bones is an Idiot, because he still doesn't get that it isn't Nancy. Spock comes in. He's OK now, cause he got a Band-Aid. He also has a Space Gun. He tries to shoot Nancy, but Bones knocks the gun out of his hand. Then Spock tries to Pummel Nancy, but Nancy Pummels him. Bones finally gets it, and shoots Nancy. Then Nancy turns back into an actual Salt Vampire, and looks like a Yeti with a suction-cup mouth and fingers wearing a big fish net. AWESOME.

Oh, and I forgot to say that earlier Nancy killed Carter, which was great, because he was getting on my nerves.

The End

This is like Doctor Who + Twilight Zone. AWESOME.

Star Trek

I've been feeling like a bum all day, so I've just been laying around eating and not getting anything done.  In my defense, it's Friday, and I don't feel like doing anything. I watched the series finale of The Office, which was great,  and I just finished watching the first episode of Star Trek on netflix.

I can't believe I've never seen Star Trek before. It's AWESOME. If you're not familiar with Star Trek, here's a sum-up of the first episode:

Star Treck Season 1 Episode 1: The Cage

Captain Pike, Mr. Spock and the crew are in the USS Enterprise on their way to I forget where. They get some interference from meteors on their radar. Then the radar picks up a signal from a planet that is "class M," meaning it has oxygen. Spock thinks there might be some survivors from a crash down there. Capt. Pike says no, and then goes to his room to pout about how much he hates about being the Captain. He tells the ship's doctor that he wants to go home and ride his horse and have picnics. The doctor tells the Captain that he's being a Yellow-Bellied Chicken, and needs to live his life instead of hiding from it. 

Then Spock comes up on a web-cam thing and says that they found out that there are survivors on the planet  that the Captain didn't want to land on. So they land on it, and they all get teleported from the ship onto the ground, except for Number One. Side note: why is she called Number One if she's not the Captain? She isn't higher up than the Captain. Maybe that's her name. That's depressing. 

Anyway, Captain Pike and the Crew land on the planet. The look around and see some plants with Blue Vibrating Leaves. These aren't important, they're just cool. Then the Blonde Guy sees a bunch of Survivors. The Crew and go over to meet them, and tell them that they get to go back to Earth, but then they completely forget what they're doing because a Girl comes out of one of the Hut Things. Apparently, this planet has an Ulta store and a beauty parlor, because she's all made up and hair done. Unless she just looks like that naturally. She might, because all of the men looked like crap. I'm sorry, that's mean. They didn't look that bad, they just looked more like you'd expect a person to look from being stranded on a strange planet for years than the girl did. But I'm digressing. 

The girl's name is Veena. Unless it's spelled Vina. I like Veena better. Veena tells Pike that he's a good specimen, and Pike is a little weirded out. But he goes off with Veena anyway, because she's pretty, and she wants to show him something. She takes him up a little rock-hill, and then she disappears with a weird wawawaa noise. Then a door in the rocks opens up, and some Aliens come out. They look like humans, except for they have Big Heads that look like butts. They promptly kidnap the Captain and bring him down an elevator. 

The Crew sees the Captain being kidnapped, and they freak out and start shooting the elevator door with laser guns, but it doesn't work. Then all the survivors disappear with a wawawawa sound. The Crew thinks that the Butthead Aliens have Mind Powers that created the illusion of survivors in their heads, and they go back to the ship to regroup. 

Meanwhile, Captain Pike finds himself in a glass cage in the wall, like a lizard exhibit at a zoo. He looks around, and sees other cages with men in big costumes, only they're actually orangutan-pig hybrids and other weird animals. Then he wonders what the heck's going on, and some of the Butthead Aliens come out. Pike sees that they communicate with each other telepathically, and that they can read his mind. He tries to break the glass, but just bounces off of it with a BOIIIIING sound. Then he gets pissed, and the Butthead Aliens leave. 

Pike figures out then that the survivors were just an illusion, and suddenly the scene changes and he's in front of a Big Castle. Veena's there, running toward him, dressed up like a Princess. She tells him that they have to hide. He stands there and talks to himself about how they've put that whole scene in his head, and he tells Veena that he won't play along, because he's not their puppet. But then a Viking Dude comes out, and starts attacking them, so long story short, Pike fights him and kills him. Then the scene goes away, and we're back in the cage. Veena is there now, except for she's back to normal-looking. She and Pike talk for a while about what's real and what's not, and what the Butthead Aliens can do and how they can punish them if they don't cooperate. They punish Veena for talking too much, and then teleport her out of Pike's cage. 

Back at the Enterprise, the Crew decide to assemble the Big Gun and shoot at the door in the rocks. So they do that, but it doesn't seem to work, although Number One suggests that it could be working, except for the Butthead Aliens are creating the illusion that it isn't working. 

Pike is pacing his cage, and  a little door opens and a bottle of Stuff comes out. One of the Butthead Aliens comes and tells Pike to drink it, but Pike doesn't want to, so he gets punished. Pike decides to drink it, but then he gets pissed again and charges at the glass, and the Butthead Alien gets startled, which tells Pike that they can't read his mind when he's full of hate. Then the scene changes again, and Pike is back at home with his horses and Veena's there again, except for this time she's his wife and she's making up a picnic. Pike tells her that he figured out they can't read his mind when he's full of hate, and all he has to do is keep hating. She says she's tried it and it doesn't work. Then the scene changes again, and Pike is all dressed up like a Roman Emporer, and Veena looks like the Jolly Green Giant, except for she's doing a Ginger Grant dance. This goes on for a couple of minutes, then they're back in the cave. 

Meanwhile, the Crew decide to teleport back to the planet, armed with more Laser Guns. Something goes wrong, and only Number One and Yeoman are teleported. By the way Yeoman is a lady. They end up in the cage with Pike and Veena. One of the Butthead Aliens comes up, and says that since Pike doesn't seem to like Veena very much, he can pick either Number One or Yeoman, because the Butthead Aliens are trying to do this Adam and Eve thing. Pike tries to fill up his head with hate, but the Butthead Alien punishes him, and leaves, because Pike hurt his feelings. 

Later, Pike, Number One, Yeoman, and Veena are hanging around in the cage, when the little door opens again. Pike jumps up speedy quick and reaches into the door and pulls out a Butthead Alien. The Butthead Alien tries to make himself look like a Giant Orangutan, but Pike resists the illusion via Mind Over Matter. Or I guess that would be Mind Over Somebody Else's Mind, because the alien isn't actually an orangutan. Then he shoots at the door with one of the Laser Guns, which the Butthead Aliens forgot to take away  so that their prisoners wouldn't be able to escape. Then they all come out and go to the planet's surface, with the Butthead Alien as a hostage. But then more Butthead Aliens come up, with the intent of recapturing them,and freeing their fellow Butthead Alien hostage. 

Oh I forgot to say that before the other Butthead Aliens came up, Number One threatened to blow them all up, because they'd rather die than be slaves. After the other Butthead Aliens come up, the Hostage Butthead Alien says that humans are too dangerous, so they're free to go. Number One and Yeoman then teleport back into the ship. Veena says she doesn't want to go, because when she crash landed on the planet in the first place, she was completely totalled, and the Butthead Aliens tried to put her back together but they failed because she didn't come with an instruction manual, so her beauty is just an illusion. Pike sees her as she really is, and agrees that she should stay the heck away from Earth. Git. Then he teleports back to the ship, and they fly away into space and leave Veena to rot. 

The End

Tonight I will make some popcorn and watch Episode Two [:

Geek Shopping

I went shopping today. Normally I hate shopping, but today I found a good pair of jeans that had no holes in it, fit me, was the same sort of wash I was looking for, look like a million bucks on me, and THEY ONLY COST EIGHT DOLLARS. Plus I found two Batman T-shirts and one Superman T-shirt, which I bought, so now I have four total Batman shirts and one Superman T-shirt. Now all I need is a Lord of the Rings T-shirt and a Harry Potter T-shirt. My goal is to stock up on Geek T-Shirts and wear one every Friday, because it will be AWESOME.

Actually, geek isn't the right word. I think a geek is somebody who likes and understands science and math and computers, and a nerd is someone who likes and understands superheros and Lord of the Rings and stuff. And then a dork is just a weirdo. So "dork" could potentially cover geeks and nerds.

I remember hearing that the word "geek" used to mean a circus dude that cuts off a chicken's head and drinks out the blood. Excuse me while I dictionary that. 

HAH! YES!

geek (gek) n. A carnival performer who publicly bites off the head of a live animal, as a chicken, as a sensational spectacle. [Prob. var. of Brit. dial. geck fool]. 

I'm trying to figure out what that last part means. Probably, variation, of British, dial? geck fool. What's a geck fool? Scuse me while I dictionary that. It's not in the dictionary. I'll Bing it. Hang on. Ok "geck" is a Scottish verb that means "to mock." So a "geck fool" is a fool that is mocked I guess.

If the word "geek" is derived from "geck" then I guess people thought that carnival geeks were idiots, so they started calling them that. A lot of people think lawyers are jerks, so maybe in a few decades the word "jerk" will mean "lawyer." That would be a little sad. 

Oh by the way the Bat-Blog has a new look. I hope you like it, because I like it and I don't plan on changing it till I feel like it. I thought I'd give it a present, since it was a month old on Tuesday. 

Anyhoo, I'm hungry. Toodle pip!

May Fifteenth, 2013

I'm in a bloggy mood, but I can't think of anything to talk about. So I'll just tell you my whole day.

The following takes place between 6:30 AM and 11:34 PM. Events occur in real time. 

6:30 AM: My alarm went of on both my clock and my phone. 

10:00 AM: I woke up. 

10:30 AM: Had leftover pancakes for breakfast. By the way, leftover pancakes are much better in the toaster than in the microwave. The microwave turns them to rubber, but the toaster just heats them up on the inside and makes the outside a little crusty and delicious. 

11:00 AM: Finished watching last night's horror movie "My Soul to Take." I would not recommend it because it sucked, and all the characters were so annoying I was really happy when they all died. 

12:00 PM: I don't remember what I did, but I know that finishing the movie didn't take two hours, so I must've done something. 

1:00 PM: Ate a delicious lunch which included a ham sandwich and some leftover candy apple. Flipped through a magazine while I ate lunch only to discover that it was mostly advertisements, and the parts that weren't advertisements were very hard to find because there were so many advertisements, so I gave up on that and just ate and drew pictures on my paper plate with my knife. 

1:15 PM: Realized that I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee at 12, and had completely forgotten because I was stressing a lot about all the what-not in my life, so I texted him and apologized profusely and he was nice and said he'd still be my friend. 

1:30 PM: Went to the bank to deposit a check for my cousin. The Bank Lady's name tag was upside down, so I told her that her name tag was upside down, and we both had a good laugh. Then I couldn't figure out how to get out, because the only exit is labeled EMERGENCY EXIT and you can't exit from the entrance. I don't know why you would label the normal exit EMERGENCY EXIT when it's just an exit. If there was an emergency, it's not like you wouldn't exit through that door just because it didn't say EMERGENCY before EXIT.  If there was an emergency, I would just exit, whether the door told me it was an emergency or not. But anyway, I got out eventually. 

1:45 PM: Listened to an Evanescense CD from the library on my way to school, and decided it was a little creepy, so I replaced it with my Winnie the Pooh audio book. By the way if you ever want to listen to an audio book of Winnie the Pooh, get the one where Peter Dennis reads it because that man is a genius. 

2:15 PM: Arrived fifteen minutes late for Agriculture class because I hadn't accounted for stopping at the bank and then getting stuck in the bank. My professor told us about a man who apparently owned his own private zoo thing with about 49 animals, if I've got that number right, including 18 tigers and he committed suicide, but before he did, he opened up all the cages and wreaked havoc on the ecosystem. Very sad. That class has been depressing lately. The other day, we watched a documentary about kids who grow up picking crops, and my teacher thought it was tragic, but I was sort of jealous of them. I wouldn't mind picking apples all day. Better than sitting in class watching a movie about other people picking apples. But then there were these other kids who picked cucumbers, and my professor says, "those get made into pickles that go on YOUR hamburgers," and I was thinking "hey, it's not my fault they have to pick the cucumbers, and I don't even eat hamburgers much, if they've got a hard life don't blame me, we all do." Even if I did eat more hamburgers, I'd be contributing to their livelihood. If everyone started a boycott against pickles, then the kids might lose a part of their livelihood. So stop pointing fingers at me, geez woman. 

3:50 PM: Agriculture class ends, walk to Food Science class.

4:00 PM: Food Science class starts. I learned that the FDA doesn't have jurisdiction over restaurants. I don't remember anything else. I had to get myself a drink from the vending machine to keep myself awake, but I was smart this time and didn't get the hot chocolate. 

5:40 PM: Food Science class ends. Walk to the building where Communication class is, and wasted a lot of time looking for the dumb bathroom. Finally found the bathroom and went to it. 

6:00PM: Communication class starts. At this point, I checked out and just doodled because my brain wasn't working and my professor was talking about sex. Why does everything always have to be about sex I'm sick of it.

7:50 PM: Communication class ends. 

8:15 PM: Finally started walking to my car. Changed my Winnie the Pooh audio book to a Snow Patrol CD. 

8:40 PM: Got home, had a deep-dish pizza with the sauce on top that my cousin ordered, and hung out with the family. Grandma was out of bed and apparently they got her wheelchair out of the garage, and she looked happy which was very nice because she wasn't feeling well this morning. She's a sweetheart and it's good to see her up and looking cheerful. 

10:00PM: had some delicious chips and salsa and watched a bit of Big Bang Theory with my aunt and uncle. Leonard is short. 

10:30 PM: Started writing in the blog, but couldn't think of a story. I walked up and down the room, but I still couldn't think of a story. I poured water over my head but I still couldn't think of a story. I banged my head against the wall, but I still couldn't think of a story. 

If you got that reference, I will make you cookies. And then I'll put the cookies in a box. And then I'll tie string around the box. And then I'll put the box up high on the shelf. 

11:00 PM: Thought of what to write. Wrote it.

11:34 PM: Finished writing. Now I will get on the elliptical for a bit, take a shower, maybe have some ice cream, and watch the next episode of Psych. 

Good night!

More on Pesticide and Cannibalism

Today I read a chapter in my Agriculture class about a man who discovered that a certain kind of genetically modified corn, which is basically a self-pesticidal corn, is killing off monarch butterflies. 

An environmental protection organization found out and apparently they freaked out, because it proved that the EPA doesn't check to make sure that their pesticides won't kill off monarch butterflies "and other insects."

I'm also very concerned about this. First thing tomorrow, I'm going to call the EPA and complain. 

Me: Hey, did yall know your insecticide is killing insects?

EPA: oh, no we didn't. our bad. 

Me: Yah, well, your insecticide is killing off insects. 

EPA: We are so sorry. It won't happen again. 

Me: See that it bloody doesn't. 

Sometimes people just make me go "WHA?" People are weird. If the EPA can't make an insecticide that kills insects, then we all might as well just move to South Korea. Is it North Korea? I think it's South. The communist one, I mean. I don't remember. I should know that, but in my defense, I don't. 

I think instead of using pesticides, we should breed Guardian Bugs to protect the plants from Predator Bugs. Although if life is anything like a depressing futuristic novel, it'll just end with one of the Guardian Bugs realizing that they're being indoctrinated, and starting a revolution against the Humans. And then we'll all die, because Humans are bad, and Nature is good. 

That sounds like Animal Farm. I remember reading the last sentence about how the men and the pigs looked exactly the same, and I almost wet myself, it was so freaky and weird. 

I was talking to my brother Thomas the other day, and we were wondering what it would be like if pigs ate human-bacon instead of humans eating pig-bacon. Is there some kind of meat on a human that's equivalent to bacon? I don't remember where on a pig bacon comes from. You can't get bacon from cows or chickens, so maybe humans don't have bacon. That sucks, because if I were stranded on a desert island with somebody and was forced to resort to cannibalism, I'd want the bacon part. 

I wonder if anybody's ever been stranded on a desert island by himself and had to resort to cutting off a foot and eating it like the guy in that one Bugs Bunny cartoon. I suppose you could do that, but you would probably bleed to death, but at least you get a last meal before you die. You are what you eat. HA HA. 

Sheets

What ho!

I was telling my big sister Mary just now that I need to buy a new mattress pad for my bed. HI MARY! Anyway, I'd like to clarify that it's not because I made a mess of my last mattress pad. I am a fully certified potty trained adult. It's just that it's all stretched out and is always slipping off my mattress and making huge lumps under me while I'm trying to get my ruddy sleep, so it's really annoying.

Mary also told me I should get a top sheet for my bed. She knows that because today she was an Awesome Human Being and made my bed and cleaned my room while I was at school and it was Awesome. I'd like to assure her that I plan on getting a top sheet, and I also have another set of sheets that has both a top and a bottom sheet, but they're in the wash right now.

When I was about five or six? I don't remember. But Mary and I decided to sleep in the same bed with our heads at opposite ends. And I forget who, but one of us wet the bed. It was Unpleasant.

There was another episode when Mary and I had a babysitter who taught us how to make flubber. And it was good fun, but then we decided to sleep with it under our pillows and our mum was not happy. Plus the flubber died, and it was Sad.

So I think I'll get myself a new set of sheets, cause I need to get a new mattress pad anyway and I could use another set with a top sheet. I might just get white ones because I don't want to fuss over whether it's the right color blue or green. OR I could get Batman sheets and they would match almost my whole room except for my quilt, but that's all right with me. I have a Batman clock, a Batman hat on display, a Batman bookmark on display, a Batman picture my kid brother drew me, a Batman plush toy, and a Batman poster. Actually, correction: the bookmark is Robin, not Batman. But it's still in the Bat-genre.

I need to start watching Batman again. Not going to lie, I watch it mostly for Robin. THE BOY WONDER. What'll they call him when he gets older? They can't call him "the Man Wonder" cause that's weird and it would be embarrassing. Maybe the Citizens of Gotham realized that and now they're hoping that he'll get killed by one of the villains before he gets too old for them to stop calling him "boy wonder." Although they could just call him "Robin." But it doesn't matter cause they stopped the show after three seasons, which is a Tragedy and a Loss to the Cultured World.

Anyway, Mary, I promise I will get a top sheet, and I will hopefully see you this weekend. I'm off to get some tea and proofread my poly sci essay which has not been fun to write, but I'm grateful that it's not about pesticide.

Pip pip!

Boromir Memes

I don't know if you've noticed this already, but I'm a big fan of Lord of the Rings. As a big fan of Lord of the Rings, I have been all over Pinterest  looking at Lord of the Rings Memes and Stuff. If, like me, you are a big fan of Lord of the Rings who has been all over Pinterest looking at Lord of the Rings Memes and Stuff, you have seen about five gazillion memes with Boromir saying "one does not simply..." insert something that one does not simply do.

If you're unfamilliar with Lord of the Rings, the meme comes from the scene when they're trying to decide what to do with the Ring, and Elrond says that the Ring should be taken into Mordor to be destroyed at the Butt Crack of Doom. Then Boromir says "one does not simply walk into Mordor." For some reason, it's like the most famous line from the movie other than "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" even though there's tons of amazing lines.

I've restrained from saying "one does not simply...." about five hundred times this month. It's kind of impossible not to, cause one does not simply not quote Boromir when one is trying to simply do something that can not simply be done. It is folly.

There's going to be a day when Lord of the Rings is so engrained in my system that everything I say will be a Lord of the Rings quote. Like if a friend says she's nervous for a test, I'll say "tis a strange fate that one should suffer so much fear and doubt from so small a thing." And if I get pulled over for speeding, I'll say "we dwarves are natural sprinters!" And in a job interview I'll say something like, "you need people of intelligence on this sort of...thing." Actually that would be pretty awesome, I think I'll do that whenever I have a job interview next.

I've been making a mental list of stuff to say to a cop if I ever get pulled over for speeding and he asks me "do you know why I pulled you over?" Here it is for your approval.
1. why, don't you know?
2. because I'm cute?
3. I thought the speed limit was in miles per minute.
4. I think the Earth's rotational speed slowed down, so that must have made it seem like I'm speeding.
5. wow, it's the Goodyear blimp!
6. I'm about to go into labor.

I probably won't be able to use that last one, although I could keep an emergency soccer ball in my car to stuff under my shirt before the cop comes to the window. That's actually a good idea. I think I'll put a soccer ball in my car and speed just to see if it works.

Good night

Happy Mothers Day

WARNING: contains my opinion that some might be offended by if you're a hard-core feminist, but it's a free country, so you can be as offended as you like and I won't stop you.

Today, I would like to express my gratitude to my mom for being my mom, and to give a round of applause to all the other moms in the world.

All my past blog posts have pretty much filled with goofball rubbish, but today I'd like to write on a more serious note, and I'm not very good at expressing my opinion in a way that sounds remotely intelligent, but I'll give it a go.  I think mothers are completely unappreciated today, and a lot of it's the fault of people going overboard about men and women being treated as equals.

Don't get me wrong, I do think that women should have equal rights as men and all that crap, but it seems to have taken away a lot of the general respect for mothers. For one thing, I've heard a lot about women thinking that men shouldn't be as gentlemanly as they used to, because it makes women look more "delicate" or whatever. Guys aren't obligated to stand up when a woman comes into the room any more or take off their hats when they greet women. I think guys should still do that, even if the lady is a complete tool, because like my mom said, it's not the person, it's the position. Simply being female gives a person the ability to grow more humans inside of her, and that alone demands respect, even if that particular lady is a psycho.

Anyhoo, I'm tired and my brains are turning into scrambled eggs, so I'm going to bed.

Happy Mothers day to my Mama, both of my Grandmas, my 11 aunts, and to Our Lady in heaven.

cheers [:

The Little Weremaid

Once upon a time, in the land of Forkes, there lived a beautiful princess named Bella. She was long betrothed to the Gorgeous Vampire Prince Edward of Transylvania, but alas, she did not love him.

Now Bella lived in a Magnificent Castle by the Sea. At night, she would sometimes go out on her balcony and look out into the waves, and wish she were free. Unbeknownst to her, the Sea teemed with strange creatures. One hundred years before, a young werewolf had been bitten by a mermaid, and so at every full moon, he would transform into a Weremaid: a hideous creature that resembled a wolf with the tail of a giant fish. The Weremaid married, and produced children that unhappily shared his affliction. Generations passed, and one hundred years later, the sea was filled with these horrible creatures at the full moon.

The Weremaids, ashamed of their hideousness, lived secret lives in the woods. Only at the full moon did they emerge, and cast themselves into the Sea to transform into their ghastly shapes. They were so ashamed, that they vowed never to make contact with an unblemished human.

But, as fate would have it, all was changed when a young Weremaid named Jacob looked out of the waters and glimpsed Princess Bella gazing at the Sea. Jacob saw her beauty, and he pined for her.

He vowed that he would speak to this fair maid. So, while his fellow Weremaids wallowed in self-pity at their hideousness, he slipped out of the water and splashed onto the streets. He took a Streetcar to the Magnificent Castle, and then, with his face to her window, called out, "HEY BELLAAAAAAAA!" Bella heard his voice, and it was the most beautiful voice she had heard in all her born days. She rushed to the window and saw Jacob splashing on the streets, and when she beheld his horrid appearance, she was inclined to vomit profusely and passionately, but then he cried out again, "BELLLLAAAAAA!" and the magnificence of his voice pierced her heart, and she flung herself out of the window and into his Weremaid's paws.

And then, they embraced in the street, and the stars seemed to sing for joy at their happiness, and the waves laughed at their pleasure, and everything was good and gold and glad.

But alas, and behold! In the midst of their passion, they forgot that they were in the middle of the street, and were hit by a garbage truck.

The End

MAN FLESH

I was browsing on youtube just now looking at Lord of the Rings clips because I'm to lazy to watch the whole movie, and I came across the MAN FLESH bit.

If you're unfamiliar with this particular scene, this is how it goes:

Uruk Hai #1: (stops running)

Uruk Hai #2: what is it? what do you smell?

Uruk Hai #1: (sniffs). MAN FLESH.

I looked at the comments underneath the video, and someone pointed out that right after Uruk Hai #1 says "MAN FLESH," Uruk Hai #2 frantically looks up in the sky for "flying men."

I'm probably just tired, but that made me snort laugh like an idiot. And then I had to watch that clip about five times and snort laugh again every time Uruk Hai #2 looks for the flying men.

My kid brother and I had a BRILLIANT IDEA the other day. We thought we should watch a movie and yell "MAN FLESH" whenever a good time came up. So if we're watching Forrest Gump, it would go, "my mama always said, life is like a box of MAN FLESH." or if we're watching the Dark Knight, it'd go "he's got nothing in his pockets but MAN FLESH and lint." or if we're watching the Matrix, it'd go like, "you know what this tastes like? MAN FLESH."

I know it's stupid, but in my defense, I'm an idiot.

Which reminds me I need to pull my car into the driveway before I get another parking ticket.

night!

How to Cheat Death and Pummel Your Enemies Wielding Only the Human Mind

People who have seen as many movies as I have have seen a lot of movies, which is about how many I've seen.

A lot of action/history movies have a scene when the Bad Guy is pointing a gun or a death ray or a live fish at the Good Guy, and he's about to kill the Good Guy, and the Good Guy can't do squat about it. Here, the Bad Guy usually says something like "any last requests?" This is where the Good Guy goes wrong. Most of the time, he survives the Bad Guy via some Deus ex machina from his Good Guy Friends, who have decided to wait till the last minute to save him, just to see whether or not he'll wet his pants. But he wouldn't even need Good Guy Friends if he answered the Bad Guy the right way.

If I was captured by a Bad Guy who was about to shoot or behead me, and he asked me "any last request?" I'd say something like, "don't kill me." I think there's a law that says that a persons last will and testament has to be obeyed, so the Bad Guy would have to not kill me, or risk getting in trouble with the law.

Another way of escaping execution is called Putting the Bad Guy Off by Saying Something Weird. Take Dirty Harry. I haven't actually seen that movie, but I have seen the "do you feel lucky, punk?" bit. So Dirty Harry is pointing his gun at the Bad Guy, and he says "do you feel lucky, punk?" and then the Bad Guy says, "wait, don't shoot yet, I have to pee." Then while Dirty Harry is processing this sentence and wondering how it's at all relevant to the present situation, the Bad Guy pokes Dirty Harry in the eye, causing Excruciating Pain, which gives the Bad Guy a chance to escape.

The most common way of Escaping Bad Guys in movies is called Diversionary Tactics, but these don't  always work. When the Bad Guy's about to punch you, look over his shoulder, point and say something like, "what in the world can that be?!" or "wow it's the Goodyear Blimp!" or "oh my good gracious me, look at that! I can't explain it. you'll just have to look over there for a while." or "wow, hey Biff, what's THAT?" or "Buzz, look an alien!" or, if you're lazy, just "look!" If your Bad Guy is a Brainless Imbecile, you don't even have to say anything, just point. This is usually what Batman and Robin do when they're beating the snot out of the villains, and it works every time.

It's a difficult move to pull off, though. You have to sell it. First off, you can't be looking at the Bad Guy while you're pointing at Something over his shoulder. Second, you have to get the timing right. If he's right in the middle of a sentence while he's giving a long speech about why he's such a Bad Guy for the benefit of the audience, then he won't see it coming, because when he's cocky enough to give the Bad Guy Speech, he thinks he's got you cornered and doomed, so he's not too worried about any resistance from you, and any move you make will throw him off. But if you're engaged in hand-to-hand combat, he's going to be watching your every move and is on the lookout for attempts to escape, so it actually works better when the Bad Guy has a gun, or a jar full of Poisonous Tarantulas.

But whatever you do, when a Bad Guy has you cornered, never ever ever under any circumstances at all, no matter what, in any way say "you'll never get away with this. I know what you're up to and I'm calling the Police." The first thing a Bad Guy thinks when he hears this is, "oh, rats. This dude knows what I'm up to, and he says he'll call the police. I think I'll shoot him before he calls the police. That way, he won't be able to call the police, and the police won't catch me. har." And then he kills you, and then you're dead. It's very embarrassing when you get to heaven, because while you're socializing with the angels and saints and everybody swapping death stories, and you tell them all that you died because you told the Bad Guy that you knew his plan and were going to call the cops while he was pointing his gun at you, then all the angels and saints just think you're an idiot. And it sucks, because then you have to spend All Eternity with everybody thinking you're an idiot. You'll become a social outcast and wish you were dead, so don't do it.

That's all I got to say about that.

Good night [:

On Nothing In Particular

What ho!

I can't think of anything interesting to blog about today, so you will be subjected to whatever happens to flit into my brain.

I spose I could do the thing where I watch a movie on mute, but it's too late for that tonight.

I'm very happy right now because I just finished my Ag 401 homework which I've been dreading doing all the ding dong day and submitted it three minutes before it was due. Not because I've been procrastinating on it, just because it generally failed to amuse me.

I've decided to start doing my homework out in the dining room instead of my bedroom so that my family doesn't forget I live here or think I'm dead. That also puts me closer to the kitchen so that I can eat while I do my homework and not have to remember to bring dishes out of my room. Today I had a glass of brown water from a jug in the fridge with my homework that turned out to be iced tea. The brown water, I mean. I didn't have iced tea for homework.

I had goat's milk for homework once. I had to buy some for my food science class and write an essay comparing it to cow's milk. I think I prefer it to cow's milk. It's a bit like liquid chalk, but it tastes better and apparently it's got less lactose, so if you're lactose intolerant, that's a definite plus. A lot of my family are lactose intolerant. I'm not. Lactose is intolerant to me.

I can't think of what else to talk about now.

OH I've never talked about my viola have I? I have a 15.5 inch old German viola. I'm not sure how old it is, but it's pretty old, and it's had a few patch jobs done on it before it was mine. In case you're wondering, a viola is a bit like a violin, only it has different strings and is a little bigger and thicker, so it has a deeper, lower sound. Again, a viola is LIKE a violin, not the SAME THING as a violin. And it's not pronounced vie-ola. You say it like vee-ola. I don't know why, but it bugs the heck out of me when people say vie-ola instead of vee-ola. It makes it sound like some kind of probiotic drug instead of a musical instrument. Maybe that's just me.

People who belong to the world of classical music know that there is an eternal feud between violinists and violists. Violists hate violinists because people always mistake violas for violins, and because violinists usually get the melody in an orchestra while violas get the leftover notes, and in extreme cases we have to count about 20 measures of rests which means sitting without playing and tapping your foot for about four hours while the violinists play the pretty stuff. In an orchestra I used to belong to, we played a piece called "Stormy Weather" and the violas literally had five notes through the entire piece.

I burnt my tongue today on a bit of hot chocolate. I was in my food science class and falling asleep because I was up till almost three last night trying to write a speech that was due today that I'd completely forgotten about. It's a two-hour class, so my professor was lovely and gave us a bit of a break. I decided to get myself a hot-cocoa from a machine next to class to keep myself awake. But the machine apparently doesn't provide lids for the cups, and we're not allowed to have open beverages inside the classroom, because it's normally used for a lab and I might accidentally contaminate the E. coli with my hot chocolate. Anyway it was only a ten-minute break, so I was trying to drink the hot chocolate fast and hopefully finish it before going back in. Unbeknownst to me, the hot chocolate was hot. So I burnt my tongue off. It's just a charcoal stub in the back of my mouth now. But that's all right because the hot chocolate didn't taste that good anyway. It was like squirting Hershey's syrup in water and then microwaving it for about five hours.

Anyway, I'm sleepy and I want some ice cream to reward myself for writing another brilliant essay on exploding pesticide plants. If I have to write one more paper about pesticide, I will die. I'll probably die anyway, but that's what usually happens to people who decide to live in the first place. I'm all right with that.

Good night and sleep with the little angels.

Elizabeth

All New Harry Potter Series

" "Harry-yer a muggle." There was silence inside the hut. Only the sea and whirling wind could be heard. "--a what?" gasped Harry. "A muggle, o'course!" said Hagrid. "an' a thumpin' good'un I'd say, once you've been trained up a bit." "

When Harry, the Amazing Boy Wizard, learns that he is in fact a muggle, his life is changed forever. Join Harry in seven mediocre adventures as Harry journeys through his new mundane, muggle life. Walk with Harry through the old-black-gum-covered halls of Thousand Oaks High School as he learns new skills such as writing, math, and science and becomes the youngest quarterback in a century for the most boring Muggle sport in the world.

Life in the muggle world is all right. But Harry has a dark past. As he continues his education, he learns that his parents were killed in a car crash, caused by Mr. Voldemort who had been driving drunk. Now Voldemort is determined to seek Harry out and drive drunk once again in the hopes that he will hit Harry and finish him off once and for all.

Joining Harry are Ron, Harry's best mate, and Hermione, a girl who ruins the curve for their classmates on every test. Together, they will run a campaign against drunk driving with the hope that they will defeat Voldemort once and for all.

Don't miss this boring series featuring seven adventures in which Harry faces dull and unpleasant muggle obstacles that only the greatest muggles can overcome, including

Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alcatraz

Harry Potter and the Cup of Coffee

Harry Potter and the Order of the Pizza

Harry Potter and the Anemic Man

and the epic finale,

Harry Potter and the Nesting Sparrows

Also coming soon is the epic film adaptations of this epic muggle saga starring Rowan Atkinson as Harry Potter, Rainn Wilson as Ron Weasley, and Dolly Parton as Hermione Granger.