Poem #40: Saint George

Saint George, the merry wandering Knight
once stopped off for a drink and bite

The Barman's eyes were filled with gloom,

as though he dreaded certain doom. 

Saint George said, "Sir, why so downcast,

now death is gone and shadows passed?

Our Lord has given us new Life;

be glad, my friend, and fear no strife!"

The Barman said to good Saint George, 

"A Dragon's come up from the gorge!

We cannot fight, we cannot run!

He eats our children, one by one!

Today, the Princess is his feast. 

We can't refuse the horrid beast;

each child must go in his turn,

unless we wish to die and burn!"

Saint George replied, "Take me to him!

He shall not eat up all your kin!

It's impolite and wicked, so

I'll tell the beast he has to go!"

The Barman brought him to the Lake

and there he saw, bound to a stake,
the Princess, fearful, faint, but fair
above the Dragon's watery lair. 

Said Saint George, "Come up, Dragon, you!

 So I may beat you black and blue!"

Then from the ripples, dark and green,

arose the Dragon, vile and keen

to smite whatever peasant dared

to wake him, and his nostrils flared!

Saint George he spotted down below,

and said "Well met, unworthy foe!"
The Saint replied, "Well met indeed!
I've come to stop this evil deed!"
And with that, swish! came down his blade,
he smote the Dragon with the aid
of Angels sent to guide his hand
and deal the Dragon reprimand.
And thus, it finally came to pass
that every princess, lad and lass
had ceased to be the Dragon's prey,
and so Saint George went on his way.

How To Not Get Killed By Angry Nerds

I did a social experiment on Pinterest today.

Pinterest: 
People post pictures/memes/art/ideas/whatever onto Pinterest, and if you like them, you repin them onto one of your boards, which are categorized to your liking.

Anyway, I was on Pinterest today and thought I'd do a social experiment.

I tried to count how many people have boards called "I'm such a nerd" (where they put stuff to do with Star Trek, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc), and gave up at 308. Most of the boards had around 100-150 pins.

Then I picked a nerd subject (obviously Lord of the Rings) and searched for boards on that. A lot of people had boards with over 1,000 pins on them, one person had 8,000, and another person had 10,000.

I was going to say that I don't want to be rude, but then I remembered that I did want to be rude, so I'm going to be rude and I apologize. Which doesn't really count, because I'm being rude on purpose, and I could stop right now if I wanted to, but I don't want to, so I'll just come back later when I'm actually sorry and apologize.

Incoming Rudeness

Please don't say "I'm such a nerd!" like you're proud of it, because it drives hard-core nerds insane. Liking Harry Potter and having read the books/seen the movies doesn't make you a nerd. Standing in line at midnight to get your latest Harry Potter book makes you a nerd. Dressing up as a character from Harry Potter and going to the midnight showing of the latest movie makes you a nerd. Understanding every single thing about Harry Potter makes you a nerd. Constantly thinking/talking about Harry Potter without giving a hoot what anybody thinks makes you a nerd.

If you're obviously not a nerd, and you say something like "I love Lord of the Rings. I'm such a nerd!" in front of someone who dressed up for HobbitCon, you will probably die.

End of Rudeness (Hopefully)

In my opinion, which isn't necessarily accurate, a nerd is somebody who loves something and learns as much about it as he can and thinks about it at every given opportunity, which could be football, physics, nail polish, cooking, or whatever. Nerds don't try to be nerds for the sake of being nerds, they just find something that they like and dive into it.

End of rant, Elizabeth out.

I Want This In The Extended Edition

This needs to happen in Desolation of Smaug: 

Thorin: You're afraid.

Balin: Yes, I'm afraid. I fear for you. A sickness lies upon that treasure hoard, a sickness which drove your grandfather mad!

Thorin: I am not my grandfather. Oh, wait, actually I am.

Balin: What?

Thorin: Here, I'll explain:

♪ Many, many years ago when I was 23,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as can be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red;
my father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law; it changed my very life
for my daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
and so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then it also made him brother
to the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course was my step-mother

My father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
and so became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
my wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too

Now, if my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild
and every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
For I have now become the strangest case you ever saw,
as husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa,
I'm my own grandpa,
it's funny I know,
but it really is so!
I'm my own grandpa. ♪

Balin: .........

Why You Should See The Movie Before Reading The Book

I'm having a thought. 

It's usually my policy to read the book before I see the movie. I haven't stuck with it one-hundred percent, but the times I did see the movie before reading the book brought into relief the benefits of seeing the movie before reading the book. 

I forget what I was saying. 

Oh, right. Benefits Of Seeing The Movie Before Reading The Book:

Here they are:

1. People who read the book first usually have high expectations for the movie, and are consequently very angry when the movie-makers make changes or leave something out. People who haven't read the book can watch the movie without inevitable book-bias and can more easily enjoy the movie. 

*I'm just making this up; I haven't taken polls or surveys or anything. 

2. Seeing the movie can make a person want to read the book, and once he reads the book he has all these wonderful surprises that he wasn't expecting because the movie-makers left them out of the movie. Like for instance: when you watch The Lord of the Rings for the first time, you might get excited when Merry and Pippin join Frodo and Sam, and you think "hey, it's the firework guys, I liked them!" and then you read the book and when Merry and Pippin say they're joining Frodo and Sam, you bawl with happy feelings and think "THEY'RE SO SWEET I LOVE THEM SO MUCH." 

I thought I had more. 

Never mind, I don't. 

Good night!

Poem #39: The Wizard of Wall-Mart

My big sister Mary had an awesome idea that she would find pictures on Pinterest and I could write poems about them.

Here's the first one. It's also a Very Special Birthday Poem Dedicated To Mary Because It's Her Birthday. Happy birthday Mary!

In olden times, the local Wall-Mart 

teemed with hags and trolls,

and all the decent folk took flight

and fled into their holes. 

Day after evil day these villains

smote the land with fear;

none dared to enter Wall-Mart lest

they fell by spell or spear. 

Until there rose from shadows one 

who had the strength and mind

to vanquish evil from the land

and pay it back in kind. 

A wizard was he, one of the 

Istari, we are told. 

His raiment was of pinkish hue, 

his eyes and teeth were gold. 

He cursed the putrid creatures,

sent them crawling to the Void.

He said, "you shall not harm these folk,

or I will be annoyed!"

But lo! there rose their Wicked King,

a fifty-headed rat!

It said, "Who dares to challenge me, 

usurper? Tell me that!"

The Wizard said, "I'll tell you!

Swag the Magic is my name!

Now get thee hence to yonder Void, 

or I shall show you pain!"

The Thing then laughed and scurried not,

so Swag removed his coat,

releasing magic rainbows, thus,

the Thing became a goat!

The Wizard took the little goat

and taught it to be good, 

and so the evil once presiding

left the neighborhood. 

Upcoming Jungle Book Movies

Who's ready for Epic Mindblowing?

I said this before, but I'm going to recap, otherwise my news isn't as brilliant. 

Benedict Cumberbatch plays Sherlock in Sherlock. 

Benedict Cumberbatch plays Khan in Star Trek. 

Benedict Cumberbatch = Sherlock + Khan = Shere Khan. 

AND 

In the 2016 Warner Bros Jungle Book movie, Benedict Cumberbatch is playing Shere Khan. That's not to be confused with the 2015 Disney Jungle Book movie in which Benedict Cumberbatch is not playing Shere Khan. 

Nailed it. 

By the way Andy Serkis is playing Baloo in the Warner Bros Jungle Book and Cate Blanchette is playing Kaa. 

Is Kaa supposed to be female? I don't remember Kaa being female in the book. Excuse me I'll wikipedia it. 

Wikipedia says Kaa is a man. Not an actual man, but a guy. A snake-man. A male snake. That's what I meant. 

So why is Kaa female in both new Jungle Book movies? Maybe they're trying to overcome the bondage of male-domination and misogyny and appease the mob of angry women that will come at them with pitchforks and live sharks if none of the characters are female. 

Personally, I don't care. If every character and his dog and his grandmother are male, it doesn't bother me, I just want to see a good movie. 

But, anyway, like I said, Benedict Cumberbatch is playing Shere Khan. I called it. Good night!

Books That Should Be Movies

I'm bored. Actually no I'm not now, because now I'm doing something.

I felt like making a list of books I think should be made into movies/TV shows.

Here it is.

Enjoy.

That's not a book title, I'm just saying I hope you enjoy the list.

Here it is:


These Old Shades by Georgette Heyer
The Talisman Ring by Georgette Heyer
The Adventures of Sally by PG Wodehouse
Leave it to Psmith by PG Wodehouse
Farmer Giles of Ham by JRR Tolkien
The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis
The Borrowed House by Hilda van Stockum

That's all I can think of right now.

Out.

Middle Earth And The Parallel Universe

Once in a while, while my brothers are playing games on the family X-box, I'll sit at watch them and try to figure out what they're doing. I don't play on the X-box in person because I'm terrible at it, so I don't know any of the games or their rules, so sometimes I like to try to guess what's going on.

My brother Thomas was playing Minecraft once, and he introduced me to the Pigmen. The existence of Pigmen, as I'll show you in a bit, opens up a whole vat of possibilities for Middle Earth, and here's why: 

If you've seen The Hobbit 2, which was amazing, you'll know that Kili, one of the dwarves, gets hit in the leg with an poisoned orc arrow and gets completely boggled by orc-poison and almost dies and Tauriel has to save him by smearing athelas on his leg. And, if you're learned in Middle Earth herb-lore, you'll further know that athelas is a weed with Healing Properties that elves know how to use, but regular people don't, so they just feed it to the pigs. 

Key-word being pigs, and here's why: 

Bofur finds the athelas in a pig-pen hanging out of a pig's mouth. I don't know anything about this particular pig, but the point is that he was, in fact, a pig. Which means that this particular athelas was contaminated with pig-saliva before it was smeared all over Kili's open wound, which further means that the pig-saliva is now mixed with his dwarf-DNA. So, logically, Kili ought now to be a sort of dwarf-pig hybrid with Super Powers. 

Unfortunately for my argument, this doesn't happen in The Hobbit. The only pig-person hybrid I've heard of in all of fiction is Minecraft's Pigmen. Which means that Minecraft is actually Middle Earth's Parallel Universe. 

In this Parallel Universe, at the end of The Hobbit, Kili becomes a Pigman, SPOILER ALERT survives the Battle of Five Armies, gets married and has children who turn out to be Pigman like him. Problem solved. 

Now I am going to rant about why the Hobbit movies are just as good as the Lord of the Rings movies, so you can just tune me out if you like. 

For your convenience, I'm going to rant in list-form. 

Complaint 1: It doesn't follow the book. 

Response: Neither did The Lord of the Rings, and those were the best bloody movies of all time. 

Evidence: 

a. The movies skipped Crickhollow, skipped Tom Bombadil, replaced Glorfindel with Arwen, made Treebeard different, made Arwen almost die, etc. And they were still the best bloody movies of all time. 

b. The Hobbit movies barely skipped anything and just did some things, like meeting Beorn and the barrel scene, differently. Most of the differences are things added which means more Middle Earth for me, so I'm not complaining. 

Complaint 2: The CGI looks fake.

Response: I don't care. 

Complaint 3: Tauriel wasn't in the book. 

Response: She's Tolkien-esque enough for me, and she paraphrases Merry Brandybuck, which is brilliant. 

Complaint 4: The thing between Kili and Tauriel was stupid. 

Response: For reasons I've specified in a previous post, I don't care. 

I'd also like to take this opportunity to appreciate that in the Woodland Realm dungeons, while most of the dwarves were fuming about the elves and being locked-up, Kili was thinking about his mum back at home. 

AAUGH and that's just like Faramir's quote "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." GAH It's all connected!!! BRAIN BOMB!

And that's why I can't talk to people about Middle Earth. 

Complaint 5: The action scenes were too over-the-top.

Response: I don't care. And anyway, it wasn't any more over-the-top that Avengers, or The Dark Knight and stuff like that.


I've said this before, but I'm saying it again because it's going around in my head and it's going to stay there unless I get it out.

Taste isn't about whether or not something is "good," it's about whether or not it makes you happy, which is why I don't like it when people go on about how stupid Twilight is. It makes a lot of people happy, so don't make them feel stupid for liking it. That's all I got to say about that, Elizabeth out. 

A GK Chesterton Quote

WHAT HO

I'm having fun pasting quotes onto movie stills. I'm very proud of this one, so I'm going to make you look at it. Here it is:

"Literature is a luxury, fiction is a necessity." -GK Chesterton

Copyright note: I do not own this quote, I do not own GK Chesterton, I do not take this picture of Arwen, I do not own Liv Tyler, I did not design her costume, I did not write the book she's holding, I did not do her hair, and I did not invent this computer that I'm using. I don't know who did all those things, but it wasn't me. 

Dick and Jane's The Silmarillion: Ainulindale

This is JRR Tolkien's The Silmarillion retold Dick and Jane style.

Note: I don't know how to type an e with two dots over it, so I'm not going to, and don't go telling me I spelled everything with the wrong e because I know.


Part 1: Ainulindale


Oh, look. Look and see.
See Iluvatar. See Eru.
Eru is Iluvatar. Iluvatar is Eru.
Hello, Iluvatar.

Oh, look. See Iluvatar make music.
Oh! The music turned into people!
Hello, people.
They are the Ainur.
The Ainur are kindled with the Flame Imperishable.

See the Ainur sing.
Sing, Ainur, sing.
Here is Melkor. Hello, Melkor.
Melkor sings badly. Stop, Melkor.
Sing louder than Melkor, Iluvatar.
Oh, look, he is now.
Thank you, Iluvatar.

Here is a vision.
This is a vision of Arda.
"Ea!" says Iluvatar.
Oh, look! Now Arda is real!
Oh, no! Melkor wants to rule Arda!
Stop it, Melkor!

Some of the Ainur want to go down to Arda.
They are the Valar.
Hello, Valar. Go down to Arda.
Oh, look, there they go.
Oh, there is Melkor again.
Melkor still wants to rule.
Melkor is ruining the Valar's work.
Go home, Melkor.

Hang In There, Guys

Nobody needs reminding, but there's been a lot of horrible stories on the news these past few days. 

I don't want to undermine the horrors of what's been going on in the Middle East or anything else, but I'd just like to say again that terrible circumstances give rise to some of the best people, and are reminders that life and beauty are sacred things. 

[-The Secret of Kells]

If I were in the habit of telling people what to do, I'd say hang in there and make music, make art, make families, work hard, rest hard, and play hard, and offer it up for the people who are suffering. 

Speaking of Pinterest

I find it hilarious how some people have boards called "Geeky" or "I'm Such a Nerd" or something like that, and then there's people who have a board for Harry Potter, a board for Lord of the Rings, a board for The Hobbit, a board for Doctor Who, a board for Sherlock, a board for Narnia, a board for Star Trek, a board for Supernatural, etc. etc. And each board has about 500 pins on it.

Sorry, I just think that's hysterical.

"Counting With Numbers"

I was babysitting last night, and the kids had left some schoolbooks out on the dining room table, one of which was called "Counting With Numbers." Which is an oddly specific title, given that the only way to count is by using numbers.

I suppose, if we wanted to, we could count with Roman Numerals instead of numbers. But I don't think anybody's attempted to do that in the last couple millennia.

I'm trying to think how to count without using numbers. I'll google a definition for "count."

Here's one:

count: to determine the total number of (a collection of items)

Ok, so if you wanted to find out how many jelly beans you have, you could "count" them without actually counting by measuring the weight of the total amount of jelly beans, then measuring the amount of one jelly bean and dividing the total weight by the weight of one jelly bean, giving you the number of jelly beans in your possession.

Side note: I realized that I don't write how I talk. I'd never actually say "in your possession." I'd say something more like, "you got." And now I feel dishonest and mistrustworthy for not writing how I talk.

Anyway, even if you did take the weight of your jelly beans and use division and all that rot, you'd still be using numbers. In which case, the title "Counting With Numbers" is redundant. I thought it was, I just wanted to make sure.

Changing the subject completely, I am in Total Hobbit Mode this summer. I've been pinnning about 500 Tolkien-related stuff on Pinterest every day.

I feel like

Person: Hi!

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Person: How're you?

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Person: What're you doing later?

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Person: Want to get some lunch?

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Also Battle of the Five Armies is coming out in 4 months and several of my favorite characters are going to die, and I will be very dangerous with sadness and feelings and stuff, so don't touch me or talk to me or breathe on me. But I'm not sad now, because I'm wearing my favorite shirt.

Anyway, good night. Elizabeth out

Bat-Art #1: David

I have nothing to say in my defense except that I felt like doing this so I did.

This is Michelangelo's David traced from an art book and Batmanified for my entertainment.

I hope it's not disrespectful to the real David. Or Michelangelo. Now I'm starting to feel bad.

Anyway, here it is.

How To Be A Healthy Person Without Going Kaput And Dying

I have made a Magnificent Discovery. Here it is:

If you like chocolate, you're nuts about it, which means you're a cocoa-nut.

Cocoa-nut = coconut

Coconuts are healthy.

If you are what you eat, then you eat what you are. Therefore, if you are a coconut, you eat coconuts.

Coconuts are healthy.

You are healthy.

CONCLUSION: Love chocolate and live a long, healthy, and prosperous life with your children, your wives, and your riches.

Poem #38: Potatoes

I came across a website where you can submit poems and they put them up, as long as they're Tolkien-related. Which, I need not say, is awesome, so I gave it a try.

This is Sam Gamgee teaching his daughter how to cook PO TA TOES.

Elanor, my pretty lass,

come here to your Daddy.

Mother's feeling poor today, 

bent and worn and shaddy. 

Supper is on us tonight, 

stew I think we'll make it. 

Pull out those potatoes, love, 

I'll bring Mum a blanket. 

Taters by your Daddy are

the best in all the Shire. 

Come, I'll show you how to proper

stew them over fire. 

Take your knife, now mind your fingers,

shave the dirty skin.

Now we have the pretty white

potato from within. 

Chop it into little pieces, 

not too big, nor small. 

In the pot they go with mutton, 

vittles, herbs and all. 

Now we wait and rest a moment

while our taters brew. 

Then, when all our waiting's up,

we'll have a lovely stew. 

Scoop a little in the bowl, 

careful with the ladle!

Bring some to your Mother now,

and mind your brother's cradle. 

Have some stew yourself, now lass, 

we've worked hard today. 

Being mother isn't easy, 

even for a day.

L. Frank Baum on Puns

From The Marvelous Land of Oz:

"...a joke derived from a play upon words is considered among educated people to be eminently proper."

"What does that mean?" enquired the Pumpkinhead, stupidly.

"It means, my dear friend," explained the Woggle-Bug, "that our language contains many words having a double meaning; and that to pronounce a joke that allows both meanings of a certain word, proves the joker a person of culture and refinement, who has, moreover, a thorough command of the language."

"I don't believe that," said Tip, plainly; "anybody can make a pun."

"Not so," rejoined the Woggle-Bug stiffly. "It requires education of a high order. Are you educated, young sir?"

"Not especially," admitted Tip.

"Then you cannot judge the matter. I myself am Thoroughly Educated, and I say that puns display genius. For instance, were I to ride upon this Saw-Horse, he would not only be an animal-he would become an equipage. For he would then be a horse-and-buggy."

At this the Scarecrow gave a gasp and the Tin Woodman stopped short and looked reproachfully at the Woggle-Bug. At the same time, the Saw-Horse loudly snorted his derision; and even the Pumpkinhead put up his hand to hide the smile which, because it was carved upon his face, he could not change to a frown.

But the Woggle-But strutted along as if he had made some brilliant remark, and the Scarecrow was obliged to say:

"I have heard, my dear friend, that a person can become over-educated; and although I have a high respect for brains, no matter how they may be arranged or classified, I begin to suspect that yours are slightly tangled. In any event, I must beg you to restrain your superior education while in our society."

"We are not very particular," added the Tin Woodman; "and we are exceedingly kind-hearted. But if your superior culture gets leaky again-" He did not complete the sentence, but he twirled his gleaming axe so carelessly that the Woggle-Bug looked frightened and shrank away to a safe distance.

The others marched on in silence, and the Highly-Magnified one, after a period of deep thought, said in a humble voice:

"I will endeavor to restrain myself."

"That is all we can expect," returned the Scarecrow, pleasantly; and good nature being thus happily restored to the party, they proceeded upon their way.

                                                                                    -L. Frank Baum, The Marvelous Land of Oz

Flowers for the Woggle-Bug for knowing what's what :]

"Demons" + "Just Give Me A Reason" Duet Blueprint [Unfinished]

I was listening to "Demons" by Imagine Dragons, and I had an idea that it might make a good duet if it was combined with "Just Give Me A Reason" by P!nk.

If I was brilliant at making music videos or arranging music, I'd arrange the music and make a music video, but I'm not brilliant at either one, so I didn't.

However I did make a sort of outline of how I think it could work.

Blue = Demons
Red = Just Give Me A Reason

The bits with slashes are supposed to be sung at the same time [by two different people].

I didn't go through the whole of either song, because I can't because I don't feel like it. But I might later and maybe I'll try it out on my viola.

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints you see are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all and the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth,

I wanna shelter you,

But with the beast inside,

There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

Right from the start, you were a thief,

You stole my heart, and I your willing victim

I let you see the parts of me that weren’t all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them

Now you’ve been talking in your sleep, oh oh

Things you never say to me, oh oh

Tell me that you’ve had enough of our love

Our love 

Just give

When you feel my heat/me a reason

Look into my eyes/Just a little bit’s enough

It’s where my demons hide/Just a second, we’re not broken just

It’s where my demons hide/bent, and we can learn to love again

Don’t get

too close/it’s in the stars

it’s dark inside/it’s been written in the scars on our hearts

It’s where my demons hide/we’re not broken just bent,

It’s where my demons hide/and we can learn to love again