Mirkwood as told by S. Morgenstern (and L. Frank Baum)

Once upon a time, the Company of Thorin Oakenshield was galavanting through Mirkwood on their way to take their gold back from Smaug the dragon. Mirkwood was dark and creepy.

"I don't like this forest," said Thorin. "It's dark and creepy."

"Of course I don't know, but I think it's going to get darker before it gets lighter," said Balin.

Bilbo said, "It's not that bad. Well, I'm not thinking of building a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."

They continued on their dark and creepy way through the forest. Once, a flame leapt out of the ground and Thorin's shirt caught fire. Bilbo put it out with a flourish and said, "Well, now. That was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?" Thorin said he wasn't. Soon afterward, another flame leapt out of the ground but Bilbo swept Thorin out of it's path just in time and said, "Well, one thing I will say, Mirkwood certainly does keep you on your toes."

After some time, the Company found that they could journey through the forest quite comfortably and without dying and Bilbo, encouraged by their survival, began telling the Dwarves of his previous adventures as the Dread Pirate Hobbit.

"This will all soon be but a happy memory," he said, "the pirate ship Revenge and life at the far end, and I, as you know, the Hobbit."

"But how is that possible?" said Thorin. "He's been marauding fifty years, and you only left Bag End five years ago."

"I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks," said Bilbo, deftly lifting Thorin up and away from another spurt of fire. "You see, the thing I told you about saying 'please' was true. It intrigued the Hobbit, as did my description of your Epic, Badass, Regal Self. Finally, the Hobbit decided something. He said, 'All right, Bilbo. I've never had a valet. You can try it if you like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' Three years he said that. 'Good night, Bilbo, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me; I was learning to fence. I would fight anything anyone would teach me. The Hobbit and I eventually became friends. And then it happened..."

"What?" said Thorin. "Go on."

"Well, the Hobbit had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me a secret."

Bilbo stopped and lifted Thorin into his arms.

This being done (making Thorin very uncomfortable) he continued.

" 'I am not the Dread Pirate Hobbit' he said. 'My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the last Dread Pirate Hobbit, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Hobbit either. His name was Cumberbatch. The real Dread Pirate Hobbit had been retired fifteen years and was living like a king in Bywater. Then he explained that the name is the important thing in inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Baggins." Bilbo, put Thorin down. "So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard as first mate, all the time calling me the Hobbit. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been the Hobbit ever since. But now that we're all together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Has that been clear to you?"

Thorin nodded, frowned slightly, and stepped into a pit of Lightning Sand. Bilbo, unabashed, grabbed the end of a vine, dove in, and hauled Thorin out. But when they had both collected themselves and dusted themselves off on solid ground, there was no sign of the Company.

"I'll never succeed!" said Thorin tragically. "We may as well die here!"

"No, no!" said Bilbo. "We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of Mirkwood? 1) The Flame Spurt. No problem! there's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid that. 2) The Lightning Sand, which you were clever enough to discover, so in the future we can avoid that too!

"Bilbo," said Thorin anxiously, "what about the R.O.U.S.'s?"

" 'Rachnids of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."

Uncomfortable Relatives On Facebook 101 For Overthinkers

I feel bad for people who have Uncomfortable Relatives on facebook whom they're obliged to be friends with. I always think of Bilbo Baggins's facebook relationship with the Sackville-Bagginses. I imagine it would go down something like this:

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins posted a status. (1 minute ago) 

Bilbo: Oh, crap, Lobelia's on facebook. If I post a status now without liking or commenting on hers, she'll know I'm on facebook and I'm ignoring her on purpose. Best wait a few minutes, then I can post a status and pretend her status got lost in my news feed and I just didn't see it.

(waits several minutes)

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins likes Otho Sackville-Baggins' album Frodo Making Dumb Faces LOL (Just now)

Bilbo: Dammit, I want to post a status *now*. How long is she going to be on? Ya know what, I'm just going to post my status anyway because I want to. 

  Bilbo Baggins reminiscing over old maps and missing my dwarf friends! -with Thorin Oakenshield

Bilbo: Ooh, that's probably Gandalf liking my status. 

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins commented on your status.

Bilbo: Poop. She's probably saying I should've stayed with the dwarves and we're going to get into a whole big discussion and I'll end up saying something offensive, and then I'll have to go back and like all her statuses to make up for it. I'll ignore it. Actually no, she knows I'm on facebook now and she'll be expecting an immediate reply. But then I might've just posted the status quickly and then got off to do something else. So she won't necessarily think I'm ignoring her. But what if she doesn't think of that? Here's what I'll do, I'll just reply LOL to whatever she's saying and leave it at that. Let's take a look at what she commented. 

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins I thought you said Thorin Oakenshield was dead. 

Bilbo: Oh. 

......

Bilbo: Crap, do I have to respond to that? If I don't do it now, I'll have to respond later. Or if I wait till later I can just pretend I never saw her comment. And if she calls me out on ignoring her later, I can just say, "Oh, sorry Lobelia, I never saw you commented. I'll respond to you next time I'm on." Then I can just put a sad face under her comment. Yeah, I'll do that. Or I could just put a sad face now and be done with it. But then she might comment again and I'll have to think of something else to say. What would she say if she comments again? Better make a list of her possible responses and write up my own response for each one just to be prepared for the worst-case scenario. Or I could just delete my status and when she calls me out for ignoring her, I could say "Sorry, Lobelia, I probably deleted my status before I got your notification." Yeah that's a brilliant idea, I'll do that. 

Are you sure you want to delete your status?

Yes. 

Your status has been deleted. 

Wishful Thinking "These Old Shades" Casting

This post is for Mary.

Hi Mary!

I've been reading These Old Shades by Georgette *****ing Heyer and, as is my wont whilst reading I've been coming up for a cast list should this book ever be made into a movie. I don't know why there aren't any Georgette Heyer movies. They would make producers very rich and they would make me very happy.

Bah!

Anyway, Mary, I know we've come up with cast lists for this movie before, but I think Colin Firth and Alan Rickman might've gotten sort of old since last time. I didn't come up with a full cast, but here's a few Non-Negotiables.

Richard Armitage as His Grace the Duke of Avon [aka Justin Alistair]

You offend my nostrils. 

I have no heart. 

My enfant, duchesses do not dance on chairs. 

Aidan Turner as Lord Rupert Alistair 

Rot his black soul! 

Devil fly away with Justin!

Hey, you little madcap! 

Martin Freeman as Mr. Manvers 

I am not come here to help YOUUUUU!

I will not stay with that woman who has the vapours!

Sorry, Mary, you probably don't approve of that last picture, but just look at it and think of Mr. Manvers and you can thank me later. 

Poem #49: Sing a Song of Sixpence [A Cautionary Tale]

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye,

the King thought he was right, and so did I

I presented research, the King succumbed, and so,

I had won the battle and the King ate crow. 

The King had lost his bragging rights, I was full of pleasure.

I said, "You're just and ass, so go and count your treasure."

I sauntered with the blackbirds to go hang up the clothes, 

they cursed me then with ignorance and pecked out my Knows. 

I was but now a simple maid with no erudition,

I sought the King of Blackbirds with a new petition. 

I promised ne'er to tease as I had teased before,

I asked him for my knowledge back, and he said "Nevermore." 

Poem #48: For Real

If you can take it, it's a dare

if you can pray it, it's a prayer

if you can tell it, it's a tale

if you can set it, it's a sail 

if you can sing it, it's a song,

even when they say you're wrong
if you can eat it, it's a meal,
if you can dream it, it's for real. 

if you can play it, it's Pretend,

if you can love it, it's a friend. 

A Thought On Multiple Negatives

I hate double negatives. They make me think.

I've heard about ten billion phrases beginning with "not unless," but I still have to spend five extra minutes thinking about it before I understand what was said. My big sister will say, "we probably shouldn't watch another episode, not unless you want to stay up till one in the morning," and I think "not unless...unless means 'if it's not'.... so then 'not unless' means 'not if it's not'....and two 'not's' is a double negative.....and a double negative means a positive.....so that just means 'if'...or 'only if'......so she's saying we can watch another episode only if we want to stay up till one in the morning." Every effing time.

On particularly bad days I can't even handle "unless" by itself. Every time I hear "unless a grain of wheat shall fall upon the ground and die, it remains but a single grain with no life," my brain shuts down and I have to spend the next ten minutes trying to figure out what "unless" means until I go into hysterics and have to be persuaded not to convert to a religion that doesn't use the word "unless." But I don't think there is one. I could always convert to Buddhism; they don't say "unless" because, if my sources are correct, they speak Hindustani and I don't understand Hindustani so even if they say "unless" in Hindustani I wouldn't know, so I'd be happy.

On the other hand, double negatives can be very useful if you're trying to insult somebody without them knowing it. For example, "there are few things I don't enjoy less than not listening to you talk about your problems," comes in handy when you feel the need to make someone shut up. Or at least it would be, theoretically, if you tried it. Actually, if you tried it it would come in handy practically and not theoretically. If you continue not trying it, it'll remain theoretical. I haven't tried it. But, in theory, the target would either spend the next few hours trying to figure out what you said, or he would let it go out the other ear and you would congratulate yourself in insulting someone without his knowing it.

That's why Bilbo Baggins is my idol. If I knew what a 'spirit animal' was, I'd say he's my spirit animal. But I don't, so I shan't.

Good night!

Poem #47 (?): In Which We Learn Why Humpty Dumpty Is An Egg

Humpty Dumpty sulked at his keg,

"Why does everyone think I'm an egg?

Never, not once, does my history tell

what was my countenance before I fell." 

"Sir," said I, "the problem is plain:

why, it's obviously in you name. 

'Humpty' and 'Dumpty' together suggest 

eggs with their mother bird all in a nest. 

" 'Humpty' as you probably know 

is the sound of a camel, and so 

this word primarily has the effect 

of making one think of the old cigarette. 

"Next, the second part of your name

is, as I'm about to explain,

simply a reference to dumpsters or trash

where we store moldy tomatoes and hash.

"Now, if these two words are combined,

'cigarettes' and 'dump,' you will find

as smoking brings on a shortage of breath,

throw them away, and you throw away death.

"This, I think, is perfectly clear:

your name means death no longer is near. 

What is death's antonym? why, it is birth!

Hence an egg means 'new life,' all 'round the Earth."

Humpty Dumpty pulls out his gun,
shots ring out, the lecture is done.
Happily, he resumes drink at the keg;
he no longer cares why we think him an egg. 

Spirituality/Christianity as Portrayed In the Hobbit Films

Yeah, I know I talk about The Hobbit too much. In my defense, I don't care.

I have now seen the first movie about 135 times, the second movie about 638 times, and the third movie exactly two (2) times. And no, I'm not counting, I'm just using very large numbers to indicate that I've seen the movies several times.

I have also now heard Peter Kreeft's podcast episode called "Christianity in The Lord of the Rings" once or twice. I don't know how many times. But the more I think about it after seeing the third Hobbit, the more I love the movies, and here's why:

The movies have certain aspects to them that illuminate the spirituality of the story. And I know that parts of the story in the movies were added by Peter Jackson, but these also had a certain spirituality about them. That's not to say that you're wrong and heartless if you didn't like the additions; you can like them or hate them as much as you want as far as I'm concerned, I would just like to organize my thoughts on the matter for my own amusement, and if you disagree with them, that's all ticketty boo with me.

I forgot what I was saying.

Anyway like I said, the movies help to shed light on the spiritual aspects of Tolkien's original story. Unless I'm wrong, when Tolkien wrote The Hobbit, he meant it to be like a children's bedtime story, and he didn't delve into the background of the world like he does in The Lord of the Rings. If you listen to Peter Kreeft's "Christianity in The Lord of the Rings," and/or his "10 Insights on Evil in The Lord of the Rings," he explains that Tolkien inadvertently included several Christian themes in his work, some of which are brought to life by the Hobbit movies [he explains this even if you don't listen to it, but that's just how I decided to word that sentence and I don't feel like trying to improve it at the moment]. The themes (or motifs, I don't really know which one is right)  that I noticed in the movies are the active presence (if that's a thing) of the Holy Spirit in the physical world, the reality of death and mortality, finding and losing one's identity, and the fact that evil is overcome by sacrifice.

I. The Holy Spirit

In Fellowship, when Gandalf has an epic showdown with the Balrog, he says "I am the servant of the Secret Fire," and light comes out of his staff and it's awesome. Unless I'm wrong, the Secret Fire is the Middle Earth version of the Holy Spirit. At least that's what I gathered from reading The Silmarillion. And in LOTR the power of the Secret Fire is manifested in light. This happens to powerful beings like Gandalf (who is a Maia aka sort of angel-type person) and to less powerful people like elves and hobbits when they pray for help.

People (including me) have said, "Why doesn't Gandalf just use his flashy light thing all the time and blind the heck out of all the evil dudes?"

That's what I used to think. But I think now that he can't do that because it's not him making the light. It's the Secret Fire, aka the Holy Spirit. One does not simply pull the Holy Spirit out of his hat whenever he wants to. Gandalf can't conjure the Secret Fire, the Secret Fire comes to him when the time is right. And the same goes for Arwen when she prays for Frodo at the Ford (yes I know it happened differently in the book). And for Frodo and Sam in Shelob's Lair.

Similar things happen in the Hobbit movies.

.

This

is not an "ermagherd, she's so pretty I want to kiss her cute face" look. It's a "HOLY #@!& God is real!" look.

I still think that Kili and Tauriel are based on Beren and Luthien. But that's a whole nother discussion.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. So like I said, LOTR (both books and movies) have the Secret Fire very present and active in Middle Earth, and I think Peter Jackson wanted to continue to portray this God-Active-In-The-World theme in the Hobbit movies.

II. The reality of death and mortality. 

This is so much fun.

Anyway, death and mortality.

The Silmarillion  delves into the amazing-ness of death by showing the elves' surprise/curiosity/attempt to understand why mortal men die.

Quote:

"Immortal were the Elves, and their wisdom waxed from age to age, and no sickness nor pestilence brought death to them...But Men were more frail, more easily slain by weapon or mischance, and less easily healed, subject to sickness and many ills, and they grew old and died."

and

"But the sons of Men die indeed, and leave the world, wherefore they are called the Guests, or Strangers. Death is their fate, the gift of Iluvatar, which as Time wears even the Powers shall envy."

and

"And when [Beor] lay dead, of no wound or grief, but stricken by age, the Eldar saw for the first time the swift waning of the life of Men, and the death of weariness which they knew not in themselves; and they grieved greatly for the loss of their friends."

To younger elves, I think, death is a strange and foreign concept and are more confused than anything when their friends die. Hence Legolas's face when Boromir died.

and Tauriel saying "They want to bury him," when Kili died.

Whereas some older elves, like Thranduil are more

"Yes, [the dwarves] will die. Today, tomorrow, one year hence, one-hundred years from now, what does it matter? They are mortal."

And yes I know Thranduil wasn't like that in the book. Still, I think it's consistent with Tolkien's Elves In General.

III. Finding and losing identity

Peter Kreeft also has a podcast episode about identity called "Identity" in which his main point is that when a person places too much importance on an object, or loves it too much, he makes it more important than himself and eventually loses his own identity, as Smeagol did when he found and kept the Ring. Smeagol possessed the Ring until the Ring possessed him.

The second/third Hobbit movies show something similar happening to Thorin when he places too much importance on the Arkenstone. I think the purpose of the story with Kili and the runestone his mother gave him was to serve as a contrasting parallel to Thorin and the Arkenstone. Thorin needs the Arkenstone in order to be king; Kili does not need the runestone in order to be his mother's son, and he demonstrates this by giving it to Tauriel.

IV. Evil overcome by sacrifice


There is a buttload of subtle allusions to Christ/Christianity in the third movie. That or I'm just seeing things, which is entirely possible. Anyway, here's what I saw:

First of all, I thought Fili's death was nothing if not Christ-like. He was killed knowing he was going to die, doing it for his family, not thinking of himself, and the orcs that killed him did it in the most cowardly way possible. When I saw the movie the second time, I thought of Aslan when Fili was killed.

Second, Thorin getting stabbed in the foot reminded me of "He will strike at your head while you strike at His heel," which is basically what happens, except for Thorin goes for a chink in Azog's armor and not for his head. [Side note: Azog and Smaug both die because of a gap in their armor. I don't know what that means but it's awesome]. This reference is even more pronounced [if that's the right word] by Thorin saying they would put an end to the battle by "cutting the head off the snake." I think he said that. It might've been a dream I had. I'm pretty sure he said that though.

This is not a good way to end a post, but that's all I have to say and I'm tired.

Good night!