The Killer Clown of Thousand Oaks
first came here long ago.
He likes to eat up kindly folks,
and that's all people know.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Poem #25: The Minotaur
The Minotaur sat in the maze,
his mind in a monotonous haze,
no friendly face within his gaze,
just blackness, walls and stone.
He'd et most of the girls and boys
sent down to be his food and toys,
but still the darkness conquered joys,
and there he sat alone.
Then suddenly, he thought he heard
more footsteps coming 'round the curb
t'wards where he sat: the last hors d'oeuvre
meant for his lonely meal.
The Minotaur looked up and saw
a young man running down the hall.
'Twas Theseus, sword, string and all:
a feast with no appeal.
The Minotaur sprang to his feet
and said, "Sir, I've no wish to eat
you. Have no fear, my meal's complete.
I want just to be free."
Said Theseus, "That's a relief.
I'd almost soiled my new briefs
for fear I'd lose. That was my chief
concern. Now, let me see...
"There's no way out, as I can tell.
This maze is deeper than a well.
Up there, the Kingdom's personnel
won't let you out, for sure."
The Minotaur looked so dismayed,
that Theseus knelt down and prayed
for inspiration, fully made
by Artemis the Pure.
The kindly goddess heard his prayer
and sent down will and strength to dare
a bold escape without a hair
on either of them caught.
Said Theseus with impish grin,
"You need no longer stay within.
Now dry your tears and lift your chin!
The gods gave me a thought."
SoTheseus sat to explain
with praises for the godly brain,
he said, "Prepare to break the chains
of dullish solitude!"
Then Theseus, with cheer and glee,
from his belt of utility
pulled out a biggish box, while he
explained in 'xited mood,
"This is my kit of mod'ling clay.
I practice with it every day.
Just now, I heard the Goddess say
to replicate your head.
I'll make it bloody, bruised and grim,
I'll bring it out and say, "It's him!
The Minotaur! Just on a whim
I killed the monster dead!"
"Meanwhile, while they lift me high,
you'll sneak past to the grass and sky,
where you can finally say goodbye
to loneliness and fear."
The Minotaur so loved the scheme,
he said, "Why, this is like a dream!
I'll run around the grassy green
like antelope and deer.
"I'll sing out with my beastly voice!
Just like Queen Elsa I'll rejoice!
I am so glad I made the choice
to not eat you this night!"
And so, without further ado,
the man and beast ran quickly through
the maze, led by the string which knew
the way back to the light.
And all without beheld the head
and cried, "The Minotaur is dead!"
'Round Theseus they ran and said,
"He's killed the fearsome beast!"
The Minotaur then slipped outside,
whilst Theseus waved and goodbyed.
The beast waved back, and then he sighed
and ventured towards the East.
Smeagol And Stuff
I just had an IDEA.
I waiting to get sleepy so I can sleep, so I put in The Hobbit 1, and I've just got to the Riddles in the Dark part. Gollum just guessed the egg riddle and said, "Grandma taught us to suck them," and now I'm wondering if Tolkien wrote anything else about Smeagol's childhood/adulthood up to the Ring, because that would be a gold mine. And it would be a spec-freaking-tacular movie. There is LITERALLY nothing Andy Serkis can't do.
Actually, he probably can't make mashed potatoes come out of his belly button, so never mind. But then, I wouldn't be surprised if he could.
But that would make an awesome book/movie. Not Andy Serkis shooting mashed potatoes out of his belly button (although that would also be cool), I mean Gollum/Smeagol's history. Normally, I don't care for villains with tragic backstories that make you feel sorry for them; I like classic villains who are just plain evil and you hate their very innards and you're the happiest person on the planet when they die. But with Smeagol, it'd be interesting to know more, 'cause he's such a complicated character.
While I'm on the subject, I think it'd be cool if in the last Hobbit movie, it showed Bilbo back at Bag End teaching baby Sam Gamgee how to read, because in the Fellowship book, Sam (or it might've been the Gaffer, I forget) says Bilbo taught Sam how to read. If they show a teeny bit of that in the last Hobbit movie, it'd be the most brilliant thing ever and my life would be complete.
I just found a thing on Pinterest that said "Being a geek is all about your own personal level of enthusiasm...if you like something so much that a casual mention of it makes your whole being light up like a halogen lamp...you are a geek." Haha! I'm not crazy! I'm not the only one! A lot of times, I've had to say in my head "Elizabeth...it's NOT REAL." But then I automatically instantly think "BAHA, screw you, it is real!"
I'm a bit rude. Especially in my head. And I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight!
I waiting to get sleepy so I can sleep, so I put in The Hobbit 1, and I've just got to the Riddles in the Dark part. Gollum just guessed the egg riddle and said, "Grandma taught us to suck them," and now I'm wondering if Tolkien wrote anything else about Smeagol's childhood/adulthood up to the Ring, because that would be a gold mine. And it would be a spec-freaking-tacular movie. There is LITERALLY nothing Andy Serkis can't do.
Actually, he probably can't make mashed potatoes come out of his belly button, so never mind. But then, I wouldn't be surprised if he could.
But that would make an awesome book/movie. Not Andy Serkis shooting mashed potatoes out of his belly button (although that would also be cool), I mean Gollum/Smeagol's history. Normally, I don't care for villains with tragic backstories that make you feel sorry for them; I like classic villains who are just plain evil and you hate their very innards and you're the happiest person on the planet when they die. But with Smeagol, it'd be interesting to know more, 'cause he's such a complicated character.
While I'm on the subject, I think it'd be cool if in the last Hobbit movie, it showed Bilbo back at Bag End teaching baby Sam Gamgee how to read, because in the Fellowship book, Sam (or it might've been the Gaffer, I forget) says Bilbo taught Sam how to read. If they show a teeny bit of that in the last Hobbit movie, it'd be the most brilliant thing ever and my life would be complete.
I just found a thing on Pinterest that said "Being a geek is all about your own personal level of enthusiasm...if you like something so much that a casual mention of it makes your whole being light up like a halogen lamp...you are a geek." Haha! I'm not crazy! I'm not the only one! A lot of times, I've had to say in my head "Elizabeth...it's NOT REAL." But then I automatically instantly think "BAHA, screw you, it is real!"
I'm a bit rude. Especially in my head. And I'm going to sleep now. Goodnight!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS OFFENSIVE POLITICAL OPINIONS!
IF YOU ARE DEMOCRAT/LIBERAL/FEMINIST READ NO FURTHER!
BECAUSE I AM A REPUBLICAN/CONSERVATIVE/NON-FEMINIST!
EVEN THOUGH I'M FEMALE!
TYPING LIKE THIS IS FUN!
SIDE NOTE: I AM EATING YOGURT AND IT IS DELICIOUS!
Ok, done with that. Now I can say whatever I want, you've been warned, and if you're offended, I'm sorry.
It bothers me that some women flip out about women making less money than man for the same job. I completely get why they flip out, but it sort of bugs me. I'm a college student with no job. When I get a job, I will just be happy to be making money. Not that my parents aren't supportive, they're very supportive and I'm very very grateful, but I would like to be self-sufficient. The way I see it (which is not necessarily the right way), as long as I'm making enough money for myself, I don't need to worry about/be offended by somebody else making more money.
That is all.
BECAUSE I AM A REPUBLICAN/CONSERVATIVE/NON-FEMINIST!
EVEN THOUGH I'M FEMALE!
TYPING LIKE THIS IS FUN!
SIDE NOTE: I AM EATING YOGURT AND IT IS DELICIOUS!
Ok, done with that. Now I can say whatever I want, you've been warned, and if you're offended, I'm sorry.
It bothers me that some women flip out about women making less money than man for the same job. I completely get why they flip out, but it sort of bugs me. I'm a college student with no job. When I get a job, I will just be happy to be making money. Not that my parents aren't supportive, they're very supportive and I'm very very grateful, but I would like to be self-sufficient. The way I see it (which is not necessarily the right way), as long as I'm making enough money for myself, I don't need to worry about/be offended by somebody else making more money.
That is all.
Poem #24: The Farm
The Farmer lives down up the hill
where the flowers grow so tall.
He picks them daily for the mill
to make flour for all.
His pigs are worthy poets who
sow tales with rhyme and beat.
The sows in pens with pens write new
and old tales worth repeat.
His hens are much to foul to cook,
but lovely eggs they lay.
For hen laymen, he wrote a book
called Chickens Day by Day.
With utter confidence, the cow
gives milk to every guest.
She's sensitive to lactose now,
but still she does her best.
The bull looks fierce with horns on top,
but he just likes to roam.
Much like bowls in a china shop,
he's very much at home.
The Farmer tends his little farm
with laughter in his eyes
He says he loves its simple charm
and stays there till he dies.
How To Foil Your Enemies And Win Battles
I'm on a Tolkien rampage right now, so I put on ROTK in my laptop while I browse Pinterest looking at Stuff. The movie is minimized, so I'm only getting the audio. When the battle part came, this is what I heard:
NARGH-BAGH-♪-PSHHH-HEEE-EHHHH-♪-BAUGH-BRGHSHHHH-BAAAH-EEEEEE-♪-BAGHHH-PSHHHHH-♪-EHHHH-GAAAAAH-BRGHSH-♪-BRGHSH-PAUGH-GAHH-♪-RETREAT!!!!!!
At one point I thought I heard somebody saying "Victory!!!" But it was the battle at Osgiliath, so that wasn't right. But it got me thinking, what would happen if you were having a battle-not you personally, just somebody, not anybody in particular-and your soldiers were getting beaten to banana mush, and then out of the blue, you shouted "Victory!! We have victory!!" for no reason?
This is what I think would happen:
Random Soldier: Victory!! We have victory!!
Badguy 1: DIE! Wait, what??
Badguy 2: He said they have victory.
Badguy 1: Hang on, we were completely dominating them a minute ago! Are we losing now?
Badguy 2: I dunno, let me check. Hey, Chief Badguy, are we winning or losing right now?
Chief Badguy: We're winning, doofus.
Badguy 1: That's what I thought, but that bloke over there said they have victory.
Chief Badguy: What?? Lemme see about that.
[walks over to Random Soldier]
Chief Badguy: Hey, bub, we're winning. You're losing. You can't say "victory" if you're losing.
Random Soldier: Victory!!!!
Chief Badguy: What the hell, man?
Random Soldier: VICTORY!!!!! [kills Chief Badguy]
Badguy 2: Hey, he just killed our leader! We are leaderless! We have no-one to lead us!
Badguy 1: Nooooooo!
Badguy 2: We're going to die!
Badguy 1: Retreat!
Badguy 2: Run for your lives!
Badguys: Aaaaaaaaaaaugh!!!!
The Badguys run screaming, and we celebrate. Everybody's happy and there's jam for tea.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Poem #23: The Giraffe
A long time ago in the African grass,
there once lived a handsome and tall Giraffe.
He'd strut to and fro,
if only to show
his beautiful spotty sweater.
BUT
Nearby him there lived a much smaller beast
who wasn't impressed by our friend in the least.
It was the Gazelle
who could jump very well,
so beasts who chased him soon knew better.
NOW,
One day, the Giraffe strutted through the plains,
and thought, "I am handsome from hoof to brains!"
when a-sudden he fell,
tripping on the Gazelle
who'd sat there to snack on a snickers.
SO,
Our friend got right up and looked down his nose,
he said, "my good sir, you've just stubbed my toes!"
You're right in my way,
I must bid you good day!
You've soiled my spotty knickers."
OH!
These words made the poor Gazelle's nostrils flare!
He picked himself up and assembled a glare,
then under his breath,
he wished a slow death
on that snotty Giraffe and his mummy.
BUT,
Unfortunately, this remark was heard,
and so the Giraffe looked down and he purred,
"Please look in my eye
when you're speaking. Oh, I
just recalled, you're too short. So long, dummy!"
THEN
The little Gazelle took a leap so high,
that he could look the Giraffe right in the eye!
He smiled and said,
"You're hurting my head
with your snobbery. Have a nice evening."
OH!
Surprised by this turn of events, our friend
felt pride suddenly coming to an end!
He felt very strange
as his attitude changed;
respect came, all vanity leaving.
SO,
The humbled Giraffe called to the Gazelle,
"I say, could you teach me to leap so well?
That was a high jump.
I've been such a chump,
and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."
NOW,
The Giraffe and Gazelle are the best of pals,
they leap and they bound with glad shouts and yowls.
And so every day,
the beasts look and say,
"This new Giraffe's much more appealing."
FIN.
there once lived a handsome and tall Giraffe.
He'd strut to and fro,
if only to show
his beautiful spotty sweater.
BUT
Nearby him there lived a much smaller beast
who wasn't impressed by our friend in the least.
It was the Gazelle
who could jump very well,
so beasts who chased him soon knew better.
NOW,
One day, the Giraffe strutted through the plains,
and thought, "I am handsome from hoof to brains!"
when a-sudden he fell,
tripping on the Gazelle
who'd sat there to snack on a snickers.
SO,
Our friend got right up and looked down his nose,
he said, "my good sir, you've just stubbed my toes!"
You're right in my way,
I must bid you good day!
You've soiled my spotty knickers."
OH!
These words made the poor Gazelle's nostrils flare!
He picked himself up and assembled a glare,
then under his breath,
he wished a slow death
on that snotty Giraffe and his mummy.
BUT,
Unfortunately, this remark was heard,
and so the Giraffe looked down and he purred,
"Please look in my eye
when you're speaking. Oh, I
just recalled, you're too short. So long, dummy!"
THEN
The little Gazelle took a leap so high,
that he could look the Giraffe right in the eye!
He smiled and said,
"You're hurting my head
with your snobbery. Have a nice evening."
OH!
Surprised by this turn of events, our friend
felt pride suddenly coming to an end!
He felt very strange
as his attitude changed;
respect came, all vanity leaving.
SO,
The humbled Giraffe called to the Gazelle,
"I say, could you teach me to leap so well?
That was a high jump.
I've been such a chump,
and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."
NOW,
The Giraffe and Gazelle are the best of pals,
they leap and they bound with glad shouts and yowls.
And so every day,
the beasts look and say,
"This new Giraffe's much more appealing."
FIN.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
How To Annihilate People And Get Your Way
I just had a thought.
I'm sure you've heard the expression, "I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it." It's a bit of a contradiction, because assuming it means "I'm going to kill you," the person in question is going to end up even more "in" the world than he was in the first place, because when a person is dead, he's usually buried. In the ground. Which is a big part of "the world," so the expression should be, "I brought you into this world, and I can put you in it," which is just stupid.
If you want to be true to your word, then when you say "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it," and decide to follow through, you have to put the subject in a rocket or airplane or on a very large bird and take them off the ground. If the word "world" refers to the entire Earth, including the Earth's atmosphere, your best option is a rocket so you can take the subject into Deep Space.
If you don't do this, people will assume you're a pushover, and then nobody will do what you want. It's like Westley said, "once word gets out that a pirate's gone soft, people begin to disobey him, and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time."
Conclusion: if you're going to use that expression, make sure you have the means to take someone into Deep Space, otherwise you'll never get what you want again.
Or, you could find a way to completely annihilate the subject's existence. I don't know how to do that. I know that God has the power to annihilate people just by not thinking about them, so if we got God really really distracted, we could probably get Him to stop thinking about something. That's actually a really good idea.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Misplaced Quotes: Zoolander
The Fellowship of the Ring
Legolas: This is no mere ranger. It's that damn Aragorn! He's so hot right now.
.....
Frodo: What happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us?
Gandalf: Honestly?
Frodo: Yes.
Gandalf: I think you're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Frodo: I totally agree with you.
......
The Two Towers
Sam: Let me see. Oh yes, lovely. Lembas bread.
Frodo: Sam, are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with Lembas bread?
Sam: My mistake, Frodo!
....
Gandalf: They flee to the mountains when they should stand and fight! Who will defend them if not their king? It's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you heard of military defense?
Aragorn: I'm sure Theoden's heard of military defense, he's the king of Rohan.
Gandalf: Uh, Earth to Aragorn, I was making a joke.
Aragorn: Uh, Earth to Gandalf, duh, OK I knew that!
Gandalf: Uh, Earth to Aragorn, I'm not so sure you did, 'cause you were all, "well I'm sure he's heard of military defense," like you didn't know it was a joke!
Aragorn: I knew it was a joke, Gandalf, I just didn't get it right away!
Gandalf: Earth to Aragorn-
Legolas: Would you guys just stop it already?
....
Treebeard: Release the river! Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty!
The Return of the King
Faramir: I do not believe the darkness will endure.
Eowyn: Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
....
Theoden: Tonight we remember those who gave their blood to defend this country. They were like brothers to me. And when I say "brothers," I don't mean, like, an actual brother, I mean it like the way black people say it, which is more meaningful I think.
An Unexpected Journey
Gandalf: You've been sitting quietly for far too long! I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
The Desolation of Smaug
Tauriel: Tell me, mellon, when did we allow evil to become stronger than us?
Legolas: Well, I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade...
....
Tauriel: Are we not part of this world? Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and you do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as a Badass Elf Prince, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way, just so you can make a name for yourself as a Badass Elf Prince, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
Legolas: This is no mere ranger. It's that damn Aragorn! He's so hot right now.
.....
Frodo: What happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us?
Gandalf: Honestly?
Frodo: Yes.
Gandalf: I think you're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Frodo: I totally agree with you.
......
The Two Towers
Sam: Let me see. Oh yes, lovely. Lembas bread.
Frodo: Sam, are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with Lembas bread?
Sam: My mistake, Frodo!
....
Gandalf: They flee to the mountains when they should stand and fight! Who will defend them if not their king? It's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you heard of military defense?
Aragorn: I'm sure Theoden's heard of military defense, he's the king of Rohan.
Gandalf: Uh, Earth to Aragorn, I was making a joke.
Aragorn: Uh, Earth to Gandalf, duh, OK I knew that!
Gandalf: Uh, Earth to Aragorn, I'm not so sure you did, 'cause you were all, "well I'm sure he's heard of military defense," like you didn't know it was a joke!
Aragorn: I knew it was a joke, Gandalf, I just didn't get it right away!
Gandalf: Earth to Aragorn-
Legolas: Would you guys just stop it already?
....
Treebeard: Release the river! Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty!
The Return of the King
Faramir: I do not believe the darkness will endure.
Eowyn: Look, I gotta go pee, but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.
....
Theoden: Tonight we remember those who gave their blood to defend this country. They were like brothers to me. And when I say "brothers," I don't mean, like, an actual brother, I mean it like the way black people say it, which is more meaningful I think.
An Unexpected Journey
Gandalf: You've been sitting quietly for far too long! I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
The Desolation of Smaug
Tauriel: Tell me, mellon, when did we allow evil to become stronger than us?
Legolas: Well, I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade...
....
Tauriel: Are we not part of this world? Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and you do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as a Badass Elf Prince, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way, just so you can make a name for yourself as a Badass Elf Prince, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?
Some Quotes for Memorial Day
"Peter did not feel very brave; indeed, he felt he was going to be sick. But that made no difference to what he had to do." -C.S. Lewis, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
"Fili and Kili had fallen defending him with sword and body, for he was their mother's elder brother." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
"The true soldier does not fight because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him." -G.K. Chesterton
" 'I will be brave,' thought Despereaux. 'I will try to be brave like a knight in shining armor for the Princess Pea.' " -Kate DiCamillo, The Tale of Despereaux
"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death and judgment, for even the very wise cannot see all ends." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of The Ring
"I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
"I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: someone has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
"Root and honey, palm and spathe,/ guard a cub from harm and scathe!" -Rudyard Kipling, The Jungle Book
"To die would be an awfully big adventure." -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
"Fili and Kili had fallen defending him with sword and body, for he was their mother's elder brother." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
"The true soldier does not fight because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him." -G.K. Chesterton
" 'I will be brave,' thought Despereaux. 'I will try to be brave like a knight in shining armor for the Princess Pea.' " -Kate DiCamillo, The Tale of Despereaux
"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death and judgment, for even the very wise cannot see all ends." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of The Ring
"I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
"I have been too deeply hurt, Sam. I tried to save the Shire, and it has been saved, but not for me. It must often be so, Sam, when things are in danger: someone has to give them up, lose them, so that others may keep them." -J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King
"Root and honey, palm and spathe,/ guard a cub from harm and scathe!" -Rudyard Kipling, The Jungle Book
"To die would be an awfully big adventure." -J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Calculate Your Tolkien Dwarf Age
I can't sleep, which means I'm still awake, so in the spirit of insomnia, here's How To Calculate Your Tolkien Dwarf Age.
According to this website (http://www.thetolkienforum.com/showthread.php?2617-What-is-a-dwarf-s-life-span) which is not turning blue-and-underlined so you can click the link for some reason (sorry about that), the average Tolkien Dwarf lives to be about 250. If the average human lives to be about 85, then you can calculate your Dwarf Age using the formula
250/85 = d/h
or
2.94 = d/h
where "d" is Dwarf Age and "h" is Human Age.
I'm 20, so my Dwarf Age is
d = 20*2.94 = about 59.
Various Tolkien Appendices tell us the approximate ages of all the Dwarves in The Hobbit, so we can calculate their corresponding Human Ages.
Thorin is about 66.
Dwalin is about 57.
Balin is about 60.
Fili is about 27.
Kili is about 26.
Oin is about 56.
Gloin is about 53.
The ages of Dori, Ori, Nori, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur are unknown.
In the movie, Balin looks way older than Thorin. Maybe he has a Benjamin Button thing going on. Or maybe Thorin just moisturizes and colors his hair.
In the movie, Balin looks way older than Thorin. Maybe he has a Benjamin Button thing going on. Or maybe Thorin just moisturizes and colors his hair.
At the time of The Hobbit, Gimli would be about 20. My age! So it would still be all right for him to ask me out without it being weird. He can be shorter than me, but not shorter AND younger. I'm trying not to be what "The IT Crowd" calls a "small-person racist."
At the time of The Fellowship, Gimli is about 47, so it would be weird for him to ask me out. According to "Parks and Recreation," a guy can ask a girl out if
her age = his age/2 + 7.
So if Gimli did want to ask me out at the time of The Fellowship, I would have to be at least 47/2 + 7 = 30 years old, which I'm not.
I'm going by age in the book, not the movie, by the way. In the movie, we have Frodo and Co. leaving the Shire right after Bilbo's Party, whereas in the book, there's a 17 year gap between Bilbo's Party and leaving the Shire. They left it out of the movie, understandably, because the movie was already 3 hours long, and they can't have everything in there. But even if they had included the gap, Frodo would probably still have looked the same, because the Ring delays old age. If there's ever a remake of the movie, I'd like to see Tom Bombadil, but in the meantime, I'm perfectly happy with the movie we have now.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Poem #22: Wooing For Manly Nerds
Your face is like a cosine graph,
with lovely upward curves,
I noticed as your mandible
helped crush tonight's hors d'oeuvres.
You whispered in my ear tonight,
how much you love me so,
like Smeagol hissing to his ring
down in his cave below.
Each memory I have of you
is saved for evermore
on software in my cranium,
and there you are adored.
The photons radiating from
your ever rosy lips
like rockets, hit my irises
till all else is eclipsed.
My heart explodes for you just like
a miniature Death Star,
for you to me are like
a carburetor to the car.
Each time I see you coming,
like a rotifer I'd swim
through pond-scum to his lady
and all other things grow dim.
Like peristalsis rippling down,
your gown flows silky smooth,
right to your twin patellas
each and every time you move.
I'd love you in the Shire, and
in the House of Gryffindor.
When Zombies eat our rotting flesh,
I'll love your rotten core.
.
Harry Potter/Disney (Good Guys)
I'm waiting for my sleep stuff to kick in, but in the meantime here's
Harry Potter Characters Matched Up With Disney Songs
by me.
A lot of people have done this already, but this is the best one because I'm doing it right. ;P
Harry Potter Characters Matched Up With Disney Songs
by me.
A lot of people have done this already, but this is the best one because I'm doing it right. ;P
|
Character
|
Song
|
Disney Film Featuring Song
|
Line From Song
|
|
Harry Potter
|
Two Worlds
|
Tarzan
|
“two worlds, one family/trust your heart, let fate decide”
|
|
Ron Weasley
|
You’ve Got A Friend In Me
|
Toy Story
|
“some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am, bigger and
stronger too, maybe, but none of them will ever love you the way I do, it’s
me and you”
|
|
Hermione Granger
|
Strangers Like Me
|
Tarzan
|
“I can see there’s so much to learn, it’s all so close and yet so
far/I see myself as people see me, I just know there’s something bigger out
there”
|
|
Neville Longbottom
|
Son Of Man
|
Tarzan
|
“Look to the sky, lift your spirit, set it free, some day you’ll walk
tall with pride, son of man, a man in time you’ll be.”
|
|
Luna Lovegood
|
Belle
|
Beauty and the Beast
|
“Look, there she goes, that girl who’s strange but special, a quite peculiar
mademoiselle,”
|
|
Ginny Weasley
|
I Won’t Say I’m In Love
|
Hercules
|
“If there’s a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I’ve already won
that. No man is worth the aggravation, that’s ancient history, been there,
done that”
|
|
Fred and George Weasley
|
That’s What Friends Are For
|
The Jungle Book
|
“When you’re alone, who comes around to pluck you up when you are down?”
|
|
Albus Dumbledore
|
The Circle of Life
|
The Lion King
|
“The sun rolling high through the sapphire sky keeps great and small
on the endless round, it’s the Circle of Life, and it moves us all through
despair and hope”
|
|
Severus Snape
|
Something There
|
Beauty and the Beast
|
“There’s something sweet and almost kind, but he was mean and he was
coarse and unrefined, but now he’s dear and so unsure, I wonder why I didn’t
see it there before.”
|
|
Minerva McGonagall
|
Scales and Arpeggios
|
The Aristocats
|
“though at first it seems it doesn’t show, like a tree ability will
bloom and grow. If you’re smart, you’ll learn by heart what every artist
knows: you must sing your scales and your arpeggios”
|
|
Remus Lupin
|
First Time In Forever (Reprise, Elsa’s Part)
|
Frozen
|
“I’m such a fool, I can never be free, no escape from the storm
inside of me, I can’t control the curse, go please, you’ll only make it
worse, there’s so much fear, you’re not safe here”
|
|
Nymphadora Tonks
|
Let It Go
|
Frozen
|
“The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, couldn’t keep it
in, Heaven knows I’ve tried.”
|
|
Sirius Black
|
I Will Go Sailing No More
|
Toy Story
|
“Now I know exactly who I am and what I’m here for, and I will go
sailing no more.”
|
|
Mr. Weasley
|
Part of Your World
|
A Little Mermaid
|
“I wanna be where the [muggles] are, I wanna see, wanna see them
dancing,”
|
|
Mrs. Weasley
|
You’ll Be in My Heart
|
Tarzan
|
“I will protect you from all around you, I will be here, don’t you
cry.”
|
Friday, May 23, 2014
Little Red Riding Hood by Stephanie Meyer
I can't sleep. Here's a bedtime story.
Once upon a time in the city of Forkes, there was a Fair Maiden whose name was Bella. She loved a Handsome Vampire named Edward who loved her very much in return.
One day, Bella got a text message from Edward which said, "I'm sick. Bring me cookies." So Bella put some cookies in a basket and began the walk through the woods to his house.
Now in the woods, there lived a Werewolf named Jacob. He had long adored Bella, and was jealous of Bella and Edward's love. He spotted Bella as she skipped down the path through the woods with her basket of cookies, and an Evil Scheme came to his mind.
Jacob stepped out from the trees onto the path and greeted Bella. She greeted him back, and told him where she was going. Jacob said, "I know a shortcut to Edward's house. You just have to go back to the city, catch an airplane to Albequerque, turn left, catch an airplane back to Forkes, and then walk down this path till you get to Edward's house."
Bella said that this was a wonderful idea, so she thanked Jacob and then skipped back to the city to catch an airplane.
After Bella was out of sight, Jacob changed into the Wolf, ran to Edward's house, and knocked on the door. Edward called in a Sick Voice, "who is it?" Jacob said in a Bella-ish sort of voice, "It is I, Bella, come to bring you cookies to cheer you up, babe." Edward said, "Come in, dearie." So Jacob came in and ate Edward. Then he changed back into his Human Form, put on some of Edward's pajamas, got into Edward's bed, and waited.
When Bella finally got to Edward's house, she knocked on the door. Jacob said, "who is it?" Bella said in a Bella-ish sort of voice, "it is I, Bella, come to bring you cookies to cheer you up, babe." Jacob said, "come in, dearie." So Bella came in.
Bella went to the bed and looked at Jacob. She said, "My, Edward! What dark skin you have!"
"The better to sparkle with, my dear," said Jacob.
Then Bella said, "My, Edward! What small eyes you have!"
"The better to smoulder with, my dear," said Jacob.
Then Bella said, "My, Edward! What great muscles you have!"
"The better to hold you with, my dear!" said Jacob, and he leaped out of the bed and put his arms around Bella. Bella said, "Jacob!" Jacob said, "kiss me, babe." Bella said, "all right, then," and she kissed him.
Meanwhile, Bella's dad, Charlie, had been hunting in the woods. He happened to pass by Edward's house and look in the window just as Bella kissed Jacob. When he saw them kissing, he took his gun and shot the hell out of Jacob. Then he took Bella by the hair and locked her in her bedroom forever. Then he lived happily ever after, eating ice cream and watching Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.
Then the blogger got lynched for hating on everybody's favorite book, which is sort of mean (the hating-on, not the lynching), but I can't sleep, and I need to do something. Actually I'm not trying to hate on Twilight. I'm actually sort of tired of people hating on Twilight. It was funny the first five hundred times.
The End
Once upon a time in the city of Forkes, there was a Fair Maiden whose name was Bella. She loved a Handsome Vampire named Edward who loved her very much in return.
One day, Bella got a text message from Edward which said, "I'm sick. Bring me cookies." So Bella put some cookies in a basket and began the walk through the woods to his house.
Now in the woods, there lived a Werewolf named Jacob. He had long adored Bella, and was jealous of Bella and Edward's love. He spotted Bella as she skipped down the path through the woods with her basket of cookies, and an Evil Scheme came to his mind.
Jacob stepped out from the trees onto the path and greeted Bella. She greeted him back, and told him where she was going. Jacob said, "I know a shortcut to Edward's house. You just have to go back to the city, catch an airplane to Albequerque, turn left, catch an airplane back to Forkes, and then walk down this path till you get to Edward's house."
Bella said that this was a wonderful idea, so she thanked Jacob and then skipped back to the city to catch an airplane.
After Bella was out of sight, Jacob changed into the Wolf, ran to Edward's house, and knocked on the door. Edward called in a Sick Voice, "who is it?" Jacob said in a Bella-ish sort of voice, "It is I, Bella, come to bring you cookies to cheer you up, babe." Edward said, "Come in, dearie." So Jacob came in and ate Edward. Then he changed back into his Human Form, put on some of Edward's pajamas, got into Edward's bed, and waited.
When Bella finally got to Edward's house, she knocked on the door. Jacob said, "who is it?" Bella said in a Bella-ish sort of voice, "it is I, Bella, come to bring you cookies to cheer you up, babe." Jacob said, "come in, dearie." So Bella came in.
Bella went to the bed and looked at Jacob. She said, "My, Edward! What dark skin you have!"
"The better to sparkle with, my dear," said Jacob.
Then Bella said, "My, Edward! What small eyes you have!"
"The better to smoulder with, my dear," said Jacob.
Then Bella said, "My, Edward! What great muscles you have!"
"The better to hold you with, my dear!" said Jacob, and he leaped out of the bed and put his arms around Bella. Bella said, "Jacob!" Jacob said, "kiss me, babe." Bella said, "all right, then," and she kissed him.
Meanwhile, Bella's dad, Charlie, had been hunting in the woods. He happened to pass by Edward's house and look in the window just as Bella kissed Jacob. When he saw them kissing, he took his gun and shot the hell out of Jacob. Then he took Bella by the hair and locked her in her bedroom forever. Then he lived happily ever after, eating ice cream and watching Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.
Then the blogger got lynched for hating on everybody's favorite book, which is sort of mean (the hating-on, not the lynching), but I can't sleep, and I need to do something. Actually I'm not trying to hate on Twilight. I'm actually sort of tired of people hating on Twilight. It was funny the first five hundred times.
The End
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Poem # 21: Mi Gato
Mi gato come plátonos
y toca la guitarra
Siempre es simpático
porque soy su amiga.
Cantamos por la noche
y cantamos por el dia,
pero mal es la voz mÃa.
Bebemos mucho vino
por la luz de la luna
Digo "a mi amigo!"
y dice "a mi amiga!"
.......
My cat eats bananas
and plays the guitar
He always is nice
because I am his friend
We sing through the night
and we sing through the day,
he sings well,
but my voice is bad.
We drink a lot of wine
by the light of the moon,
I say, "to my friend!"
and he says, "to my friend!"
Monday, May 19, 2014
The Truth About Queen Elsa's Origins And Rapunzel's Healing Powers
I was reading my 3-Minute J.R.R. Tolkien book just now and found something interesting.
Tolkien's first long poem was about a star called Earendel the Evening Star. This is obviously a different spelling of the name Arendelle, the name of the kingdom in Frozen, which means that the kingdom and the Evening Star must be the same place.
Some of the elves in The Lord of the Rings have the power to control The Elements; for instance, Arwen did the magic that made the river wipe out the Black Riders. In the book, Galadriel gives Sam a little box of Magic Dirt that can make trees and flowers grow in barren places. Elsa can make ice and snow using Sheer Mindpower, and therefore, we may safely assume that she is also an elf.
Anna is not an elf. She doesn't have magic, and she doesn't have the Grace And Poise of an elf. So how, you may ask, are Anna and Elsa sisters?
This is what happened: in the 1960s, or whenever it was, when Man first began to build rockets and fly them into space, some astronauts landed their rocket on Earendel (or Arendelle), the Evening Star. They were delighted at the discoveries they made there, and rejoiced at their success. When they came back to Earth, they told everyone about the Evening Star and its beauty. But then, a greedy, selfish, power-hungry man decided to build his own rocket, fill it with his henchmen, and fly it to Earendel where he would take control over the Elves and be the Ruler Of His Own Planet.
When the Dreadful Man had established his rule in Earendel, he wreaked Havoc And Chaos. He enslaved the Elves and made their lives miserable. One Elf Maiden was determined to save her baby daughter from the Havoc and Chaos, so she placed her in a basket and set the basket out on the River.
The basket floated to the Dreadful Man's Palace, where it was found by the Dreadful Man's Kind Son. The Dreadful Man's Kind Son discovered a beautiful Elven Baby Girl with white hair in the basket, and decided to keep her and raise her in secret.
When the Dreadful Man had died, the Dreadful Man's Kind Son took over the Evening Star along with his wife and his Adopted Elf Daughter, Elsa. Unfortunately, by this time, all the other elves had fled, or had died in the Havoc and Chaos, and Elsa was the only elf left. (Side note: one of the elves who had the same abilities as Elsa fled to Earth where he used his Magic to serve the citizens of Earth and later was known as Frozone).
The new ruler of Earendel restored order on the planet, and he and his wife raised their two daughters with Parently Goodness. But, sadly, when the King and Queen were called across the Sea to combat the Evil of Sauron, they perished in a storm.
If you want to know what happens after that, just watch Frozen.
There is a theory I've come across on Pinterest that says that Elsa and Anna are Rapunzel's cousins. This cannot be true, because Rapunzel lives in Narnia. I know that because
Rapunzel's healing powers come from a flower which was created when a Drop Of Sunlight fell from the Sky. Queen Lucy of Narnia has a cordial made from the juice of the Fire Flowers which also has healing powers. Rapunzel's flower and the Fire Flowers are obviously the same species. And I don't think evolution permits for the exact same species to grow spontaneously on separate planets.
Tolkien's first long poem was about a star called Earendel the Evening Star. This is obviously a different spelling of the name Arendelle, the name of the kingdom in Frozen, which means that the kingdom and the Evening Star must be the same place.
Some of the elves in The Lord of the Rings have the power to control The Elements; for instance, Arwen did the magic that made the river wipe out the Black Riders. In the book, Galadriel gives Sam a little box of Magic Dirt that can make trees and flowers grow in barren places. Elsa can make ice and snow using Sheer Mindpower, and therefore, we may safely assume that she is also an elf.
Anna is not an elf. She doesn't have magic, and she doesn't have the Grace And Poise of an elf. So how, you may ask, are Anna and Elsa sisters?
This is what happened: in the 1960s, or whenever it was, when Man first began to build rockets and fly them into space, some astronauts landed their rocket on Earendel (or Arendelle), the Evening Star. They were delighted at the discoveries they made there, and rejoiced at their success. When they came back to Earth, they told everyone about the Evening Star and its beauty. But then, a greedy, selfish, power-hungry man decided to build his own rocket, fill it with his henchmen, and fly it to Earendel where he would take control over the Elves and be the Ruler Of His Own Planet.
When the Dreadful Man had established his rule in Earendel, he wreaked Havoc And Chaos. He enslaved the Elves and made their lives miserable. One Elf Maiden was determined to save her baby daughter from the Havoc and Chaos, so she placed her in a basket and set the basket out on the River.
The basket floated to the Dreadful Man's Palace, where it was found by the Dreadful Man's Kind Son. The Dreadful Man's Kind Son discovered a beautiful Elven Baby Girl with white hair in the basket, and decided to keep her and raise her in secret.
When the Dreadful Man had died, the Dreadful Man's Kind Son took over the Evening Star along with his wife and his Adopted Elf Daughter, Elsa. Unfortunately, by this time, all the other elves had fled, or had died in the Havoc and Chaos, and Elsa was the only elf left. (Side note: one of the elves who had the same abilities as Elsa fled to Earth where he used his Magic to serve the citizens of Earth and later was known as Frozone).
The new ruler of Earendel restored order on the planet, and he and his wife raised their two daughters with Parently Goodness. But, sadly, when the King and Queen were called across the Sea to combat the Evil of Sauron, they perished in a storm.
If you want to know what happens after that, just watch Frozen.
There is a theory I've come across on Pinterest that says that Elsa and Anna are Rapunzel's cousins. This cannot be true, because Rapunzel lives in Narnia. I know that because
Rapunzel's healing powers come from a flower which was created when a Drop Of Sunlight fell from the Sky. Queen Lucy of Narnia has a cordial made from the juice of the Fire Flowers which also has healing powers. Rapunzel's flower and the Fire Flowers are obviously the same species. And I don't think evolution permits for the exact same species to grow spontaneously on separate planets.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Poem #20: A Little Prayer to Saint Dymphna
Happy feast day to Saint Dymphna, patroness of people with mental illnesses and my Confirmation saint!
St. Dymphna, pray to keep me sane
and slay the dragons in my brain.
But not all, leave just two or one,
because mad people have more fun.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Fangirling
Do you ever watch a movie and then suddenly realize that your face is like this?
This is me watching Harry Potter 8 when George says "You all right, Freddy?"
Or watching Lord of the Rings when Pippin makes his war face.
Or watching The Hobbit when Fili and Kili introduce themselves to Bilbo.
Or watching Sherlock when Sherlock says "I don't have friends, I just have one."
Or watching Endeavour when Thursday covers up Morse with his coat to keep him warm.
Or watching Jeeves and Wooster when Bertie and Jeeves sing "Minnie the Moocher."
Or watching Frozen when Kristoff almost puts his arm around Anna.
Or watching Tangled when Eugene hugs Rapunzel.
Or listening to Cabin Pressure when Arthur says "Well, I was the one who thought of putting an otter in the fridge!"
Or watching The Princess Bride when Fezzik says "Hello, Lady!"
Sometimes stuff hits me right in the feelings.
This is why I don't have a boyfriend. I have about ten fictional ones that I can just keep watching/reading/listening over and over again, so I'm set for life.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Poem #19: The Princess of Kilkenny
The Princess of Kilkenny
once went looking for a man,
but when they came, she fled and called back
"Catch me if you can!"
Some men ran after her with glee,
some men just turned away,
some men jumped on their bicycles
to join the merry fray.
She ran across the country
and she swam across the Sea,
she ran til she was out of breath,
then shimmied up a tree.
She found a branch and sat to watch
for all her men to come,
but most of them had left the chase,
all of the men but one.
It was the Shepherd, running
with a smile on his face.
He'd long adored the Princess,
and he never slowed his pace.
The Shepherd found the tree
and saw the Princess on her perch.
He thought her fair and lovely,
though her garments were besmirched.
She smiled at him from her branch
and waved a royal hand,
delighted that he was the one
to catch her, as she'd planned.
He said, "Fair maid, I've found you!
Will you come and be my wife?
Together, we'll be fearless
and we'll live a merry life!"
The Princess said, "All right, but
you must first recite a poem."
The Shepherd then began a
composition of his own.
He said, "I want to kiss your face
and hold you really tight.
I like you, 'cause you're nice and stuff.
You fill my heart with light."
The Princess said, "That's rotten,
but I like you all the same."
She climbed down and she took his hand
and said, "I'm glad you came."
They walked back to Kilkenny
hand in hand and arm in arm.
And there they lived together
on the Shepherd's little farm.
More Of My Personal Opinion On Things That Don't Really Matter At All
Before I start on my homework today, I'd like to inflict more of my personal opinions on the world and release more Mental Nerd Diarrhea.
I watched The Hobbit 2 again recently, and I disagree with people who say that the whole thing between Kili and Tauriel is stupid.
Because
I don't think they're actually "in love," or anything like that. I don't think there's a romance thing going on, I just think that Tauriel thought Kili promising to get back to his mother was sweet, and her maternal instincts kicked in, and she wanted to make sure he keeps his promise.
Plus, after Tauriel saves Kili, he says "you cannot be her," and "it was just a dream," which I thought meant something like "I have a crush on you, but it's not going to work out because you're taller and about 600 years older than me."
I think he said that pretty little speech because
1. He was a bit twitterpated with her to begin with (but nothing more)
2. He was high on Elvish Medicine
3. He was slightly miserable from almost dying and from somebody putting walnuts under his head and needed a hug.
That was my take on it. I'll shut up now.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Page 394
For all you Harry Potter fanpeople, here's a bit of page 394 from Harry Potter books 3-7. Unfortunately, 1 and 2 don't have that many pages.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
" 'Three turns? What's he talking about? What are we supposed to do?'
But Hermione was fumbling with the neck of her robes, pulling from beneath a very long, very fine, gold chain."
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
" 'Who're you going with, then?' said Ron.
'Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
'What?' said Ron, taken aback. 'You've already asked her?'
'Good point,' said Fred. He turned his head and called across the Common Room, 'Oi, Angelina!'
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
'What?' she called back.
'Want to come to the ball with me?'
Angelina gave Fred an appraising sort of look.
'All right, then,' she said, and she turned back to Alicia and continued chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
'There you go,' said Fred to Harry and Ron.'Piece of cake.' "
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
" 'You made me nervous, I was doing all right before then!' Cho told Harry ruefully.
'That was quite good,' Harry lied."
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
"Lavender was waiting beside the portrait hole, a complication Harry had not foreseen.
'You're late, Won-Won!' she pouted. 'I've got you a birthday-'
'Leave me alone,' said Ron impatiently. 'Harry's going to introduce me to Romilda Vane.' "
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
" 'It keeps cropping up, doesn't it?' she said. 'I know Viktor said it was Grindelwald's mark, but it was definitely on that old grave in Godric's Hollow, and the dates on the headstone were long before Gridelwald came along! And now this! Well, we can't ask Grindelwald or Dumbledore what it means-I don't even know if Grindelwald's still alive-but we can ask Mr. Lovegood. He was wearing the symbol at the wedding. I'm sure this is important, Harry!'"
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
" 'Three turns? What's he talking about? What are we supposed to do?'
But Hermione was fumbling with the neck of her robes, pulling from beneath a very long, very fine, gold chain."
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
" 'Who're you going with, then?' said Ron.
'Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
'What?' said Ron, taken aback. 'You've already asked her?'
'Good point,' said Fred. He turned his head and called across the Common Room, 'Oi, Angelina!'
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
'What?' she called back.
'Want to come to the ball with me?'
Angelina gave Fred an appraising sort of look.
'All right, then,' she said, and she turned back to Alicia and continued chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
'There you go,' said Fred to Harry and Ron.'Piece of cake.' "
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
" 'You made me nervous, I was doing all right before then!' Cho told Harry ruefully.
'That was quite good,' Harry lied."
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
"Lavender was waiting beside the portrait hole, a complication Harry had not foreseen.
'You're late, Won-Won!' she pouted. 'I've got you a birthday-'
'Leave me alone,' said Ron impatiently. 'Harry's going to introduce me to Romilda Vane.' "
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
" 'It keeps cropping up, doesn't it?' she said. 'I know Viktor said it was Grindelwald's mark, but it was definitely on that old grave in Godric's Hollow, and the dates on the headstone were long before Gridelwald came along! And now this! Well, we can't ask Grindelwald or Dumbledore what it means-I don't even know if Grindelwald's still alive-but we can ask Mr. Lovegood. He was wearing the symbol at the wedding. I'm sure this is important, Harry!'"
Here's to Alan Rickman
Monday, May 12, 2014
Poem #18: The Bookman
The Bookman lived high on a cloud
in a little hut of stone;
the rest of Heaven was too loud,
so there he lived alone.
He spent day after peaceful day
with pen and ink in hand
and wrote us tales both sad and gay
of far and distant lands.
The Bookman first appeared when hope
was hidden in the Dark,
and words were twisted like a rope
without a kind remark.
And so he spun his letters
and he wove them into words;
we felt so much the better
when his stories were absurd.
And when the Darkness faded
and all turned to silver glass,
the Bookman found a shaded
spot and lay to rest at last.
Cheese
All right, I give up.
It is now 4:41 in the Abominable Morning (AM), my alarm is going off in about 19 minutes, and odds are I won't be able to sleep between now and then, since I haven't been able to sleep for the last five hours.
So, instead of trying to sleep, I am going to make a
List Of Things That Are Awesome About Cheese
1. It has protein which gives you energy, which enables you to do Stuff.
2. It comes from cows, which are awesome, because they give you milk, which can be used to make cheese.
3. It comes in all kinds of different textures and consistencies and flavors.
4. It can be eaten with spaghetti and enchiladas, both of which are delicious.
5. It can also come from goats, which are brilliant and more portable than cows.
6. It can melt and then harden again, so you could technically pour it into a mold of Smaug and make a ginormous Smaug Cheese Sculpture.
7. It opens up an infinite number of possibilities for Stupid Puns.
8. It can come from all parts of the world
9. It is endorsed by Wallace
10. It can be eaten with crackers, which are tasty
11. If it gets moldy, you can just cut off the mold and it's still OK to eat
12. It can also come from sheep, which are almost as brilliant as goats
13. I haven't tried this, but I bet if you soften some and roll it into a ball it'll bounce
14. It isn't tofu
15. It doesn't kill you or otherwise try to harm you in any way, unless it's poisonous, but even if it was it wouldn't be the cheese's fault, but the person who put the poison in the cheese
16. It improves with age like wine and good books
17. It's soft, so you can carve messages to your associates into it with a dull knife
18. It's not hard enough to kill someone if you throw it at him, so if you're angry at someone you don't necessarily want to kill, you could throw cheese at him and release some anger without killing him or maiming him
19. String cheese. It tastes disgusting, but it's fun to play with.
20. It tastes even more delicious when it's grated
And there goes my alarm. Good morning! I hope you found the above list enlightening and instructive.
It is now 4:41 in the Abominable Morning (AM), my alarm is going off in about 19 minutes, and odds are I won't be able to sleep between now and then, since I haven't been able to sleep for the last five hours.
So, instead of trying to sleep, I am going to make a
List Of Things That Are Awesome About Cheese
1. It has protein which gives you energy, which enables you to do Stuff.
2. It comes from cows, which are awesome, because they give you milk, which can be used to make cheese.
3. It comes in all kinds of different textures and consistencies and flavors.
4. It can be eaten with spaghetti and enchiladas, both of which are delicious.
5. It can also come from goats, which are brilliant and more portable than cows.
6. It can melt and then harden again, so you could technically pour it into a mold of Smaug and make a ginormous Smaug Cheese Sculpture.
7. It opens up an infinite number of possibilities for Stupid Puns.
8. It can come from all parts of the world
9. It is endorsed by Wallace
10. It can be eaten with crackers, which are tasty
11. If it gets moldy, you can just cut off the mold and it's still OK to eat
12. It can also come from sheep, which are almost as brilliant as goats
13. I haven't tried this, but I bet if you soften some and roll it into a ball it'll bounce
14. It isn't tofu
15. It doesn't kill you or otherwise try to harm you in any way, unless it's poisonous, but even if it was it wouldn't be the cheese's fault, but the person who put the poison in the cheese
16. It improves with age like wine and good books
17. It's soft, so you can carve messages to your associates into it with a dull knife
18. It's not hard enough to kill someone if you throw it at him, so if you're angry at someone you don't necessarily want to kill, you could throw cheese at him and release some anger without killing him or maiming him
19. String cheese. It tastes disgusting, but it's fun to play with.
20. It tastes even more delicious when it's grated
And there goes my alarm. Good morning! I hope you found the above list enlightening and instructive.
My Obnoxious Opinion On Things That Don't Really Matter At All
My kid brother Anthony is reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and every few minutes he says something like, "Hey, here's another part they left out of the movie! Of all the nerve!"
There's a book by Tomie dePaola, who is brilliant, by the way, in which he tells the story of seeing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in the theaters as a kid, and got angry that it didn't follow the original fairy tale, so he stood up in the theater and shouted at the screen. I forget what the book was called, but it was a great story.
My point is, people, that movie-people have been "not following the book" since about 200 BC, so we might as well accept that they're going to do it and move on with our lives. If it's a good movie apart from its comparison to the book, then don't let it bother you, just calm down and enjoy it.
That's all I have to say about that.
Do I sound angry? I'm not angry. I just read what I just wrote and it sounds kind of angry. I'm not angry. I'm just being obnoxious and stating my opinion. Unfortunately, we live in America and I'm allowed to do that. If we lived in Communist Russia, I wouldn't be allowed to inflict my obnoxious opinions on anyone, and nobody would have to listen to me, and we'd all live in Peace And Harmony. I would also get my homework done a lot faster and get to sleep at a much more reasonable hour. But then I probably wouldn't be allowed to watch Lord of the Rings every day because it would probably be banned or something, so I guess it wouldn't be worth it. I can't win.
On a completely unrelated note, here's Something Fun To Do: put a movie on in your laptop, if you have one, and minimize it. Then hover your mouse over the tab with the movie in it and, if your laptop is like mine, a little teeny mini-screen will pop up and you can watch your movie in mini-form. I'm doing this with The Hobbit now, and I've got a little teeny Smaug and a little teeny Thorin. Now there's a little teeny Gandalf. They're kind of adorable. I want to pick them up and make them all run around on my desk. Gandalf's trying to look intimidating, but he just looks cute.
Anyway, I'm off to bed. Good night!
There's a book by Tomie dePaola, who is brilliant, by the way, in which he tells the story of seeing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs in the theaters as a kid, and got angry that it didn't follow the original fairy tale, so he stood up in the theater and shouted at the screen. I forget what the book was called, but it was a great story.
My point is, people, that movie-people have been "not following the book" since about 200 BC, so we might as well accept that they're going to do it and move on with our lives. If it's a good movie apart from its comparison to the book, then don't let it bother you, just calm down and enjoy it.
That's all I have to say about that.
Do I sound angry? I'm not angry. I just read what I just wrote and it sounds kind of angry. I'm not angry. I'm just being obnoxious and stating my opinion. Unfortunately, we live in America and I'm allowed to do that. If we lived in Communist Russia, I wouldn't be allowed to inflict my obnoxious opinions on anyone, and nobody would have to listen to me, and we'd all live in Peace And Harmony. I would also get my homework done a lot faster and get to sleep at a much more reasonable hour. But then I probably wouldn't be allowed to watch Lord of the Rings every day because it would probably be banned or something, so I guess it wouldn't be worth it. I can't win.
On a completely unrelated note, here's Something Fun To Do: put a movie on in your laptop, if you have one, and minimize it. Then hover your mouse over the tab with the movie in it and, if your laptop is like mine, a little teeny mini-screen will pop up and you can watch your movie in mini-form. I'm doing this with The Hobbit now, and I've got a little teeny Smaug and a little teeny Thorin. Now there's a little teeny Gandalf. They're kind of adorable. I want to pick them up and make them all run around on my desk. Gandalf's trying to look intimidating, but he just looks cute.
Anyway, I'm off to bed. Good night!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Poem #17: The Thief
The Thief stole lots of little things
from merchants, bakers, queens and kings.
He didn't know, behind his back,
we called him "kleptomaniac."
When he saw something that he liked
-although he later was contrite-
forward to steal his hands would twitch,
as though his fingers were bewitched.
Until, one day, the King decreed
"I've had enough of this man's greed!
He's stolen center, left and right!
I want him far out of my sight!"
The Thief walked sadly out the gate,
ashamed he should have earned this fate.
He trudged on slowly through the hills
past farms and bakeries and mills.
At night, he stopped a bit to rest,
and thought, "I think it would be best
if I could find some place to stay
since my dear home is far away."
And as he thought, it caught his eye:
the entrance to a cave nearby!
"Perhaps I can sleep there," he said.
"It's very nearly time for bed."
He gathered up his stick and pack,
and so the kleptomaniac
went trudging to the lonely cave
to face his life, alone but brave.
But when he came to his new home,
he found that he was not alone,
for sleeping on a pile of gold,
a beast lay, like in tales of old!
It was a dragon, great and fierce!
With armor that no sword could pierce,
and teeth and claws like mighty spears,
a monster from man's darkest fears.
The Thief then looked upon the gold
and felt his fears grow slowly cold.
His fingers then began to twitch;
that kleptomaniac's old itch.
But as his hand began to reach,
he heard a quiet voice beseech,
"Don't take the gold! You'll waken it!
He won't like that one little bit!"
The Thief turned 'round and, standing there,
he saw the Princess, dark and fair
held captive by this fearsome beast
to fatten for its Birthday Feast.
The Thief then froze right on the spot
and wondered, "Shall I steal or not?"
he looked back to the treasure heap;
the beast rolled over in its sleep.
Then turmoil broke out in his mind,
war of a spiritual kind.
He knew not whether he should steal,
or hark the princess's appeal.
Then, finally, he made a choice
and called out in a gentle voice,
"Fair maiden, come away with me
where you may finally be free!"
He took the Princess by the hand
and led her swift across the land
back to the Kingdom and their home
in which her father ruled alone.
But at his daughter's glad return,
the King felt all his anger burn
away and left his heart so light,
at once he made the Thief a knight!
The good Thief's banishment was done,
his need to steal was overcome!
And in his house there reads a plaque,
"No More A Kleptomaniac."
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
How To Become A Saint
As a food science major, it is my Sworn Duty to educate Poor Uneducated Commoners And Laymen about all the wonderful things that can be done with (and to) food. One of the things I have learned that I will pass on now is that sugar can be used as a preservative.
This information opens up a lot of possibilities.
This is how I'm going to use it. Please don't tell God.
Before I die, I'm going to consume copious amounts of sugar. Then, after I die, the sugar will be in my system forever because my gastrointestinal tract will be completely dead, and I won't be able to digest it. However, the sugar will act as a preservative and keep my body looking fresh for eons afterwards.
A few billion years into the future, when Gravediggers come looking around in my grave for Things To Steal From Dead People, they will find my body still looking newly dead, even though I'd been dead for a few billion years. Then they'll go to the Pope, who will naturally have me declared a Saint.
After I've been canonized, people all around the world will be praying to me and will think that I'm brilliant. And, as The Wizard from The Wizard of Oz says, "A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." So, if Our Lord adheres to The Rules Set Forth By The Wizard Of Oz, He will have no choice but to let me into Heaven, if I'm not already there.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Cinderella in Middle-Earth
I started watching The Hobbit 1 just now, and something occurred to me.
Bilbo describes the city of Dale as "peaceful and prosperous." In Disney's Cinderella, the Kingdom is described as "peaceful and prosperous, and rich in romance and tradition." So, I think we may safely assume that the Kingdom in which the story of Cinderella takes place is the city of Dale.
Obviously, Cinderella's story would have taken place before the city was destroyed by Smaug, because the city was not "peaceful and prosperous" after it was destroyed.
However, there are a few discrepancies between the story of Cinderella and the nature of Middle-Earth. This is probably due to the story being handed down by means of oral tradition, and therefore modified by people with bad memories or creative imaginations.
The discrepancies mentioned above are specifically the following:
1. There are no Fairy Godmothers in Middle-Earth.
2. Animals do not talk in Middle-Earth
To address (1): The person who gave Cinderella her dress and shoes and carriage does not necessarily need to be a Fairy Godmother, just someone with a magic wand who can perform magic. The obvious answer is Gandalf who can perform magic with his staff. However, I am inclined to believe that Cinderella's Fairy Godmother was Radagast, and I will tell you why.
To address (2): The reason I believe that Cinderella's Fairy Godmother is Radagast, and not Gandalf, is because the mice in Cinderella can talk. I believe that the tale of Cinderella was originally told by Radagast, Cinderella's Fairy Godmother, and that he could understand the mice, and so he incorporated their speech in the story.
You may ask, why, then, could Cinderella understand the mice, not being a wizard? The answer is clear: if you watch any of the X-Men films, you will know that some people possess unique powers or gifts, and Cinderella's gift is the ability to speak to mice.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Poem #16: The Oak
When I was just a
child,
Each and every day I
lived
Not giving two-pence
for I had no
Two-pence I could
give.
I picked apples and
berries
and I ate them all
for tea.
I said, “One day, I will be fat.
But that’s all right
with me.”
I went into the Woods
one day
In crispy Autumn air,
In search of nothing,
really,
Just to find out what
was there.
I tripped over a rock
which sent me
falling to the
ground.
To see if I had hurt
the rock,
I quickly turned
around.
The rock said he was
very well,
And so I ventured on:
Deeper into the Woods
where shadows
Came, and then were
gone.
I came across an old
Oak Tree
And settled down to
rest.
He moaned, “Tell me a
story,”
I replied, “I’ll do
my best.”
I told him all the
tales I knew
From minstrels with
their harps.
The Old Oak groaned
with happiness
And stretched his
ancient bark.
When I had finished,
my Old Tree
was silent once
again.
I knew his life was
over,
His adventure at an
end.
I sadly trudged back
through the Woods
Back to my little
home
And as I came out to
the path,
I heard a familiar
groan.
The Wind was stirring
all the trees
Along the forest
path,
I felt it sweep
against me, saying
“Thanks for one last
laugh.”
And so with gladness
in my heart
I cantered through my
fields
To supper, family and
home
And joy that never
yields.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)