Little Red Riding Hood by Stephanie Meyer

I can't sleep. Here's a bedtime story.

Once upon a time in the city of Forkes, there was a Fair Maiden whose name was Bella. She loved a Handsome Vampire named Edward who loved her very much in return.

One day, Bella got a text message from Edward which said, "I'm sick. Bring me cookies." So Bella put some cookies in a basket and began the walk through the woods to his house.

Now in the woods, there lived a Werewolf named Jacob. He had long adored Bella, and was jealous of Bella and Edward's love. He spotted Bella as she skipped down the path through the woods with her basket of cookies, and an Evil Scheme came to his mind.

Jacob stepped out from the trees onto the path and greeted Bella. She greeted him back, and told him where she was going. Jacob said, "I know a shortcut to Edward's house. You just have to go back to the city, catch an airplane to Albequerque, turn left, catch an airplane back to Forkes, and then walk down this path till you get to Edward's house."

Bella said that this was a wonderful idea, so she thanked Jacob and then skipped back to the city to catch an airplane.

After Bella was out of sight, Jacob changed into the Wolf, ran to Edward's house, and knocked on the door. Edward called in a Sick Voice, "who is it?" Jacob said in a Bella-ish sort of voice, "It is I, Bella, come to bring you cookies to cheer you up, babe." Edward said, "Come in, dearie." So Jacob came in and ate Edward. Then he changed back into his Human Form, put on some of Edward's pajamas, got into Edward's bed, and waited.

When Bella finally got to Edward's house, she knocked on the door. Jacob said, "who is it?" Bella said in a Bella-ish sort of voice, "it is I, Bella, come to bring you cookies to cheer you up, babe." Jacob said, "come in, dearie." So Bella came in.

Bella went to the bed and looked at Jacob. She said, "My, Edward! What dark skin you have!"

"The better to sparkle with, my dear," said Jacob.

Then Bella said, "My, Edward! What small eyes you have!"

"The better to smoulder with, my dear," said Jacob.

Then Bella said, "My, Edward! What great muscles you have!"

"The better to hold you with, my dear!" said Jacob, and he leaped out of the bed and put his arms around Bella. Bella said, "Jacob!" Jacob said, "kiss me, babe." Bella said, "all right, then," and she kissed him.

Meanwhile, Bella's dad, Charlie, had been hunting in the woods. He happened to pass by Edward's house and look in the window just as Bella kissed Jacob. When he saw them kissing, he took his gun and shot the hell out of Jacob. Then he took Bella by the hair and locked her in her bedroom forever. Then he lived happily ever after, eating ice cream and watching Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

Then the blogger got lynched for hating on everybody's favorite book, which is sort of mean (the hating-on, not the lynching), but I can't sleep, and I need to do something. Actually I'm not trying to hate on Twilight. I'm actually sort of tired of people hating on Twilight. It was funny the first five hundred times.

The End