How To Become A Saint

As a food science major, it is my Sworn Duty to educate Poor Uneducated Commoners And Laymen about all the wonderful things that can be done with (and to) food. One of the things I have learned that I will pass on now is that sugar can be used as a preservative.

This information opens up a lot of possibilities. 

This is how I'm going to use it. Please don't tell God. 

Before I die, I'm going to consume copious amounts of sugar. Then, after I die, the sugar will be in my system forever because my gastrointestinal tract will be completely dead, and I won't be able to digest it. However, the sugar will act as a preservative and keep my body looking fresh for eons afterwards. 

A few billion years into the future, when Gravediggers come looking around in my grave for Things To Steal From Dead People, they will find my body still looking newly dead, even though I'd been dead for a few billion years. Then they'll go to the Pope, who will naturally have me declared a Saint. 

After I've been canonized, people all around the world will be praying to me and will think that I'm brilliant. And, as The Wizard from The Wizard of Oz says, "A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." So, if Our Lord adheres to The Rules Set Forth By The Wizard Of Oz, He will have no choice but to let me into Heaven, if I'm not already there.