A Tolkien-esque Carol

The following is a bit of a Christmas carol by yours truly with some words and meter borrowed from Prof. J.R.R. Tolkien. Merry Christmas! 

Home is behind, the world ahead

and there are many paths to tread 

through desert, under yonder star 

until it settles where You are 

Christ and Savior, Lord and King 

gifts we bring, gifts we bring. 

Gold and myrrh and frankincense

on camel backs we travel hence 

until completed is our quest 

and God provides a place to rest

Palace gate or stable door 

and then no more, and then no more. 

A Thought on Keeping Christ in Christmas

I would like to say what I have to say without sounding preachy or hypocritical, but unfortunately I don't know how to do that, and since I'm going to hell anyway for cracking my knuckles and making biblical puns, I may as well get a full ride. 

I have seen approximately 749 posts, bumper stickers, and tattoos about 'Keeping Christ in Christmas' [share if you agree, ignore if you're a fiend in human form sent from hell to wreck havoc on God's good Earth] and I'd just like to make the suggestion that Christ is in Christmas whether or not we 'keep' Him in it. Christ's existence doesn't depend on my belief in Him. I believe in Him now and He exists, but if I stop believing in Him tomorrow, He won't cease to exist. If every family on Earth somehow forgot through an amnesia epidemic about the existence of God and celebrated Christmas as a secular holiday centered around gift-giving and family values, Christ would not be taken out of Christmas, because of the ontological [if that's the word I want] definition of Christmas. 

I'm not a huge fan of the attitude that all belief systems work in conjunction with each other. I don't believe that Christianity is true for me and Atheism is true for an atheist. I believe that Christianity is true for me and for the atheist because I believe that Christianity is the Truth. To quote my good friend Emerson Cod, "There is one truth and it has come a-knockin." And while Christ is more obviously present in the Christian's Christmas, I think He can present Himself in different ways to an atheist through the atheist's secular Christmas. In other words, unless I'm wrong, Christ can be in a thing even if He is never mentioned in adjacency with said thing [for better-articulated arguments, look up Peter Kreeft's thoughts on Christianity in The Lord of the Rings.]

A Bit of Writing Part 5

This is only one sentence, but I'm a little proud of it:

He had never considered himself an affable person, and was therefore often bewildered to find that other human beings wanted to aff him.

A Bit of Writing I've Been Working On Part 4

I've written about five or six hundred Beginnings, but I think I'll settle with this one.

Shakespeare, we understand, was only human. He may have been the greatest playwright to walk the Earth’s crust, he may have made his grandmother proud, and he may have been capable of tying a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue, but he was, in fact, human. Unlike God, when Shakespeare began a story, he was often forced to do so in medias res, that is, “in the middle of things,” when the beginning is not so much a beginning as a continuation of happenings that sprung from some other beginning, just as an omelet is made from an egg which came from a chicken, which came from an egg, and so on, until we have reached back in time to the First Chicken, who, we are told, was actually a Tyrannosaurus Rex. But life went on for the chicken, as it did for man, and thus, Shakespeare wrote his plays in medias res. It was for this reason that as his audiences seated themselves before his stages with their sixteenth-century popcorn and rotten fruit, they asked one another, “Which of the T-Rex’s descendants is this particular egg, and who, do you suppose, were its parents?” Eventually, Shakespeare grew tired of audience members muttering that they were not provided with enough backstory, and so he began the practice of writing what is called a Prologue, so that his congregation would understand why Romeo and Juliet's enhitchment would be a scandal before the killings began.  

The following narrative is a story which takes place about twenty-two years after The Beginning, which is why the author has deemed it prudent to report a short history of happenings that have happened hitherto. In the beginning, etc, etc. 

Bits of Writing: Character Goals

Hello!

What you are about to read [or not, if something better comes up] is a bit of fluff I've had in my head that has been growing over the past six months. It started out as a silly idea for a book, then became a silly idea for two books, and gradually developed into a silly idea for a three-part story. I've written most of Part One down and I plan on writing down Parts 2 and 3 sometime after I graduate in the next twenty seven years. I'm not going to say anything about the story itself because I don't want to. But I would like to say just a little bit about the goofy people in it for my own edification, so it's all clear in my head. I don't know if I can call them 'characters' because the story isn't complete and it isn't an actual book at the moment, but the fact is that they exist in my brain in my little bit of a story.

One thing I will say about the story is that it's about four more or less stupid people who like to read.

Also I'm not telling their names because I don't want to.

G is my Piglet in Part 1 and [I hope] goes through something in Part 2 which will turn her into Pooh.

M is also my Piglet in Part 1 and remains Piglet until Part 3 in which he will try [unsuccessfully] to be Christopher Robin, whereupon he will go back to being Piglet.

C will tell you that he is my Eeyore, but he tends to behave more like Tigger. I'm a bit fond of C.

F is my Owl, my Kanga, and my Rabbit, but feels like Roo whenever she gets to use her gun.

Extended Hobbit 3: A Short Review

BIFUR BOFUR BOMBUR!!!!

DAIN!!!!!

CHARIOT TROLL CHASE!!!!!!!

LEGOLAS!!!!!

THORIN FILI KILI!!!!

THAG YOU VERY BUCH PROFESSOR TOLKIEN AND MR. JACKSON 

A Bit of Writing I've Been Working On: Part 3

Another bit I'm pleased with. 

The Universe, being the result of a Divine Urge to do something creative, gives humanity many, many different forms of art in which to get lost when being set upon by life’s tragedies, horrors, and those painful periods of asphyxiating dullness. The different dimensions of art we are given to play with can be collided, woven together, or shaped into the forms that we find pleasing. For instance, a song is a collision of the dimension pertaining to music with the dimension pertaining to poetry, sometimes woven together with the dimension belonging to the art of storytelling. A book is constructed by kneading storytelling together with prose, and a film does its best to combine storytelling, music, prose, and visual art all in one pleasing enchilada of artistic imagination. And because a film, in this way, is a four-dimensional work of art, it is easy when watching a film to become lost, even if a person finds himself in the distressing circumstance of being caught in a time-warp, and coming home to discover that his fiancee is forty years older than himself.

Here's An Idea

After an intense study on the nature of humanity and of humanity's intricate relationships with fiction [AKA this is all B.S. that I'm making up without providing actual evidence], people will do anything for their fictional universe and its inhabitants. Snape can be forgiven for occasionally being a butthead because he did it all out of love; Sherlock is forgiven for occasionally being a jerk, because he's hilarious and some people are just born that way; the Winchesters can be forgiven for eliminating  kids' parents in front of them because it's their job and they had no other choice.

What I'd like to ask is, if something about me bothers you, like my beliefs on Traditional Marriage Vs. Gay Unions or my Non-Outrage re. GMOs or my overall Catholicism or my Unwithering Respect for PG Wodehouse, please think of me as a fictional character who was made that way, because that's basically what I am. Please don't jump directly to, 'she's an arrogant bigoted hypocritical moron who thinks everyone is going directly to hell without passing Go and collecting $200.' I love it when people have as much compassion on their inmates as they do on their favorite flawful fictional characters, and I promise I'll try to do the same for all you heretics. That's all I got to say about that.

This is going to be a post in which I whine about other people whining, so you have been warned.

I've been coming across articles lately titled something like "___ is Dead." I never read them, because I don't feel like it. But I've noticed a general vibe of "Good Thing X is Dead," "Happy Thought Y is Dead," "Chivalry is Dead," "Art is Dead," "Your Grandmother's Homemade Biscuits are Dead," and I'm TIRED of it.

So, in response, I have just one thing to say.

Once, for three days, God was dead. Then he came back and was like

YO 

A Bit Of Writing I've Been Working On Part 2 [Edition 2]

Here's one of the few bits I'm pleased with:

The expression “follow that car” is one that has been used time and again in films and, to a somewhat lesser extent, in books and, to an even lesser extent, in real life during situations in which the players discover a vehicle that is in some way alluring. The practice is simpler in theory than in reality, especially when “that car” is a few miles ahead of the followers and several layers of space and traffic lie between them. In this case, it was also made difficult by the fact that neither driver nor passenger knew exactly where “that car” was going. There was therefore about ten extra minutes of trying to make illegal U-turns, discovering that said U-turns were illegal and changing directions mid-U-turn, along with the accompanied backseat driving and requests that there be no backseat driving.  However, they managed to drive in and out of two or three restaurant parking lots without murdering any ducklings, nuns, or mothers with perambulators before Gillian pointed in the direction of an El Torito restaurant and shrieked, “Lookit!” 

A Word Of Encouragement To My Fellow Heretics

Hey, people!

I have a thought in my brain, and it has been on repeat for about a year, so I'm going to expunge it and make you read it because I feel like it.

If you enjoy a book series, and somewhere in the world somebody decides to make a movie series of said book series, and if said movie series isn't exactly like said book series, but you muchly enjoy said movie series anyway, and if your purist friends give you hell for loving said movie series, remember this:

A book doesn't just consist of what happens to whom where how and why. It consists partly of a gut feeling of belonging that's brought to you by the writing style, the mood, the themes, the character of the setting and of the characters themselves. It's a home away from home and a Heaven away from Earth. If the movies give you the same gut feeling as the books, no matter how much they deviate from the books, then so be it and God bless you. Don't let the purists make you feel like a traitor.

Also God bless the purists because they rock too and they keep us grounded. Have a banana, purists.

Here's to loose constructionism!

That's all I got to say about that, Beth out.

According to the Internet

If there was a man who was raised by wolves or gorillas or mosquitos on a desert island, and the only access he had to civilization was through the internet, I have a theory that he would draw the following conclusions:

According to The Internet,  

People 

1. Love

• cats
• coffee
• alcohol
• eating
• introverts

2. Hate

• Mondays
• People
• wearing pants and a bra

3. Do 

• nothing
• everything

4. Can't 

• even 

5. Can 

• n/a 

Animals 

1. rule

2. are better than people 

3. do not suck in any way whatsoever 

4. not even when they poop

5. or drool 

6. so awesome I can't even

7. like literally I can't even

Government 

1. sucks

2. especially Republicans

3. and Democrats

4. does everything wrong 

5. even though it's made up of humans

Memes

1. will convert an entire audience with one picture and a few words in Impact font

2. except for when they don't

Poldark: A Short Review

Me watching Poldark:

A Bit Of Writing I've Been Working On

It is a strange thing, but the more assurance a person gets that Fact A is true, the more it seems his mind makes him believe that Opposing Fact B is true in place of Fact A. Before Elwin was born, his mother once asked his father if her blouse made her look like an orangutan’s second chin and he answered in the affirmative, knowing that in her mind she would become defensive and rally round all arguments to the contrary, thereby supposedly raisisng her own self-confidence. Had he told her that her blouse did not make her look like an orangutan’s second chin, her conscious mind would have appreciated it, but in her subconscious there would rise a little voice that said, “I bet he says that to all the girls.”

Poem #54: The Time-Warp

Her best beloved went away, 

to where, she did not know

he stole her heart and took it far, 

and she in sorrow said, “you are

a wicked Romeo.” 

she then devised a cunning scheme

to pay him back in kind

she sought for hire an older maid

and then in secrecy she bade 

her bear this thought in mind:

“Pretend,” said she, “that you are me

some forty years ahead,

and when returns my beamish beau, 

you tell him ‘Sir, you ought to know,

those olden days are dead.’ 

‘Whilst you were scheming on your own, 

a time-warp did ensue,

and this poor lady you behold,

though you are young and I am old,

is still your lady true.’ 

‘I’ve waited forty years for my

beloved to return,

but if you do not care for me,

then at long last you may be free,

regardless that I yearn.’” 

And thus the older lady spoke

to one besotted ear 

now with a sorrow in his heart

that he had ever thought to part

himself from one so dear. 

He said, “My lady, I will find 

a way to change the past. 

I’ll stop myself from leaving you

so you may see my heart is true 

and marry me at last.”

The ancient one perceived at once

a spirit still devout

but she omitted to admit

that it was proved, and she could quit 

parading thus about. 

Until one night her conscience grew 

a conscience of its own

it bade her tell the truth to she

who took her as an employee:

the lady, now alone. 

“My dear,” she said, “your suitor loves you still, 

and so do I,

since on that happy summer morn

when I was young and you were born

amidst our lullaby.” 

The happy couple, man and wife, 

and now the mother too,

who thought lost long ago, in truth,

is now a living, breathing proof,

that love may start anew. 

Ed Sheeran and Redemption

We interrupt this program for a Special Shout Out to Ed Sheeran, singer/songwriter of many popular songs including, but not limited to, "A-Team." 

If you haven't heard the song "A-Team," you may click on this link  whereupon you will encounter a video of said song and the relevant lyrics. 

This is a lovely song, and it's also about a prostitute who's addicted to drugs, but it's written in a way that encourages sympathy for her and paints her as just another person with her own dragons and demons to fight. It takes a person who has made some bad choices and/or who has been very unlucky, and it draws out something good, which I feel is very redeeming. Not that it's all right to be a junky prostitute as long as someone writes a nice song about you, just that it's possible to see goodness and beauty in someone who maybe doesn't live a G or PG-rated life. 

So here's a shout-out to Ed Sheeran for being a gentleman. Have a banana, Ed. 

For Rosie and Belladonna

Ok, so in my career as a Middle-Earthling or a Mordork or a Ringer or whatever is the official name for Tolkien's fangirls, I have seen several tributes to the women of Middle-Earth, like this one

and this one 

and this one 

but I have never seen one that includes Rose Cotton and Belladonna Took.

Rose Cotton 

Belladonna Took 

Belladonna Took was the one who gave Bilbo the "Tookishness" to venture outside his hole, and without her the Ring would never be found or, therefore, destroyed. 

Rose Cotton was Sam Gamgee's sweetheart. He thought of her at the Butt-Crack of Doom and she gave him strength. 

Well done, ladies. Have a banana. 

Now I feel better. I can go to sleep now. 

A Catholic's Response to "Take Me To Church"

The song "Take Me to Church" by the artist Hozier (rhyming with nosier) has hitherto been one of my favorite songs by said artist until I recently found out that it was written as a middle-finger at the Catholic Church for teaching that gay unions aren't the same thing as a marriage between a man and a woman. When I heard the song the first few times, I thought that "church" was meant as a metaphor for his lady-friend that he "worships," until I found out that it was not, in fact, meant as a metaphor for his lady-friend that he "worships," but a middle-finger at the Catholic Church for teaching that gay unions aren't the same thing as a marriage between a man and a woman.

My first instinct was to think, "Ok, now as a practicing Catholic, I can't listen to this song with a clear conscience unless I pretend it's still about what I originally thought," so I did that for a while and it was exhausting because I'd be listening to the song thinking, "it's a metaphor it's a metaphor it's a metaphor" and then a part of my brain would say, "no it's not! HAHAHAHAHA!" as anyone's would, which landed me in the soup and made the music very much less enjoyable.

But I have concocted a way to listen to "Take Me to Church" with a clear conscience as a practicing Catholic, which I am very happy about because while I disagree with Hozier's middle-fingeredness at the Church, I do enjoy his voice and the tune and the overall bluesy mood of his music.

Last fall, I listened to the audiobook of C.S. Lewis's The Silver Chair, and have decided that if it's not my favorite Narnia book, then it's definitely in my top three (the other two being The Last Battle and The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe) partly because of the following speech by Puddleglum:

"We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnia as I can even if there isn't any Narnia."

This is what I try to think in response to the line, "Take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies." Which is kind of insulting, now that I know what he's talking about. But I don't have to dismiss him and all of his music completely because he's not an evil terrorist who's going to burn in hell because he supports gay unions, he's just Fern from Charlotte's Web getting upset at her parents when she thinks a terrible injustice is being served. And before anyone accuses me of comparing gay people to pigs, let me assure you that I am not trying to compare them to pigs, I'm trying to compare Hozier to Fern.

And just as an interesting note, now when I listen to "Take Me to Church" and think of Puddleglum, I feel more grounded in my faith than ever because sometimes I like the things I love to be attacked so that I can defend them.

Unless you insult Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings, 'cause then I'll just get pissed.

Good night!

Poem # something: For Mary-Mr. Manvers

This is a bit of a ditty written specially for my big sister Mary, based on events in the novel These Old Shades by Georgette Heyer, which you should read if you haven't already, and if you've read it already, you should read it again.

Mr. Manvers lost his horse

now he's very sad, of course

summon Poirot, summon Morse, 

poor Mr. Manvers 

Mr. Manvers lost his roan

now he's very much alone

see him crying, hear him groan,

poor Mr. Manvers

Mr. Manvers lost his mare

to Lord Rupert Alistair 

monstrous world, oh, despair, 

poor Mr. Manvers

Some Friendly Advice On Taking Stupid Advice From Meg Ryan

When I was ten or eleven, my parents showed me this movie

because they're the greatest parents on the planet and that movie was frigging awesome. I was thinking about it today and I remembered this quote 

and I remember, when I first saw this movie and heard that quote, I said to myself, "Self, you should be more like that," so I tried to be more like that. And it was ****** exhausting because every day my ***** brain ****** exploded all over the ******* floor. If I were in the habit of telling people what to do (which it appears I am) I would (and do) say don't try to be a 10, because you'll never actually reach 10 until you get to Heaven and odds are the best you can do is a 5, and you'll stay at a 5 for years until finally you say, "screw this, I'll not try at all and I'll just be a 1," after which you spend the rest of your days feeling like an absolute scumbag. 

Not that I feel like an absolute scumbag. I just spent a lot of money on itunes, so I feel terrific; I'm just saying if you're like me, take a chillaxative and don't let Meg Ryan make you feel like an inadequate human being.

Cryptic Themes in "Octopus's Garden"

When I picked up my brothers from cross-country practice today, we had the following discussion in the car: 

Me: [singing] "I'd like to be....under the sea....in an octopus's garden in the shade..."

Thomas; That song makes no sense. 

Isaac: Does it have to make sense?

Thomas: I'm just saying-I mean, the first two lines make sense..."I'd like to be...under the sea," but the third part-

Me: It's a simile. 

Isaac: It's not a simile; he didn't say "like" or "as."

Me: I mean a metaphor. It's a metaphor. 

Thomas: Wait-we got to analyze this. "I'd like to be...under the sea-"

Me: Why is it "under the sea?" Why not just "in the sea?" 'cause if it's under the sea, you're like, in the ground. 

Isaac: It's like saying "under a tree," like you're under the leaves in the shade, not literally underneath all the roots and stuff. 

Thomas: That's not the metaphor though. 

Isaac: No, it's not a metaphor, it's just bad grammar. 

Me: No, the metaphor is the garden. They're just saying 'garden' instead of....'yard' or whatever it is octopus's have. 

Thomas: Yeah, the garden is a metaphor for-

Me: It's his food-source. 

Thomas: Yeah, so he wants to be in the octopus's food source, so he wants to be eaten by the octopus. 

Me: It's about suicide! 

Isaac: Wha-no it's not! 

Thomas: Yeah! Isaac, look, it's a guy and he's being bullied, so he wants to commit suicide and feed himself to the octopus.

Me: Oh-wait, no! It's "in the shade," so it's like humans are like drugs to octopuses and the octopuses do human deals like drug deals, cause it's "shady business" and the octopus does it "in the shade."

Thomas: Yeah, and he wants to be an octopus drug, 'cause it'll make him important-

Me: Like in Shawshank Redemption! Like when they were saying Brooks was an important man in prison and nobody outisde prison. 

Isaac: What? 

Thomas: Isaac, it's like there's a guy who's a nobody, and he wants to go in the ocean 'cause he'll be valuable to the octopuses. 

Georgette Heyer Wishful Thinking Cast Part 2-3

The Reluctant Widow


Elinor Rochdale Cheviot-Emily Blunt

"ODIOUS!"

Nicky Carlyon - John Bell

"I've been rusticated!"

Ned Carlyon-Richard Armitage

"Do you know, it has of late become an ambition of mine to hear my name on your lips instead of my title."

.


The Talisman Ring


Sir Tristram Shield-Ben Barnes

"I think we should pour water on her. Cold water."

Eustacie de Vauban -Georgie Henley

"Did you kill that man whose name I cannot remember?"

Ludovic Lavenham-Tom Felton

"I'm your romantic cousin Ludovic!" 

Sarah Thane-Louise Brealey

"I see I have thrust myself into an adventure." 

Songwriting Final

Draft of my Songwriting final project 

Verse 1

You climbed from anguish like a body from the bog

To your city of mountains in a lake of fog

You cried for beauty and your echoes rent the air

I followed your voice and I found you there

Verse 2

We touched the shadows and gave them each a soul

We saw the diamonds in the blackest coal

Marked every doorpost with the bloodiest of wine

Said to the demons “this place is mine”

Chorus

We sing of starlight,

We paint the rain,

We weep for pleasure

And we laugh in pain (x2)

Verse 3

We happy bigots in our arrogance and pride

Leaped on our high horse and went for a ride

The earthly saints said we would spend a life in hell

For we can’t open hearts and minds so well

Verse 4

They stoned our Stephens and beheaded our Johns

Because we said to them “This might be wrong.”

Our souls are narrow-minded, childish and dry

We can’t please everyone although we try

Chorus

We sing of starlight,

We paint the rain,

We weep for pleasure

And we laugh in pain (x2)

Jackson

Customer [12 ish year old gentleman whose name turns out to be Jackson]: Can you make it be Tuesday at 5:00 so we can get the family discount?
Me: I dunno, I'd have to alter the Time-Space Continuum and I don't have security clearanc
Jackson: Ooh, where do you keep it?
Me [points]: in the back.
Jackson: Oh, ok. Bye! [leaves]
........
Jackson [comes back]: I'm going to leave a donation for you [puts a penny in the tip jar].
Me: Thank you so much!
Jackson: Yeah. Actually I'll leave a bit more [puts in another penny] 'cause you give good customer service.
Me: Aw, thank you!
Jackson: [leaves]
.......
Jackson [comes back]: Actually, you know what? your customer service touched me....so I'm leaving a quarter. Which part of the slot should I put it through.
Me: Thank you! you can put it here [points to infinitesimal crack in the jar]
Jackson: Ok! [tries and fails, puts it through normal slot]. Also, is your manager here?
Me: He is, but he's talking to someone right now, sorry!
Jackson: Well, could you just tell him that I said you're really great? or do you have comment papers I could write it on or something?
Me: aw thank you! you can write it on here if you like [hands him paper]
Jackson: Thanks. [writes "Beth was very good"]
Me: Thank you! tell your manager I said you were great, too.
Jackson: My manager's my mom.
Me: Ok, well tell your mom-manager that you're awesome.
Jackson: Thanks! I'm going to leave another donation [puts another penny in the tip jar].
Me: Thank you! You've got a special place in Heaven for that.
Jackson: Aw, thanks. God bless!
Me: You too!
Jackson [leaves].
........
Jackson: [comes back] is there a bathroom in the building?
Me: Sorry, there actually isn't, but there's one at Subway down there.
Jackson: Ok, thanks. I hope I can make it, it'll be quite a journey.
Me: Yeah, good luck and Godspeed!
Jackson [leaves].

Note: this is a condensed version of my encounter with Jackson. His two friends were giggling in the background the entire time.

To Kill A Muggleborn

Ok, don't hate me if this is irreverent, but wouldn't it be FREAKIN AWESOME if Harper Lee wrote another version of To Kill A Mockingbird that took place in the Harry Potter Universe?

Tom Robinson would be a muggle-born and the Ewells would be white-trash pure-bloods like Marvolo Gaunt and Co. and Atticus, Jem and Scout would be blood traitors. That would be just RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME and I would read that SO MANY TIMES.

"Atticus, do you defend mudbloods?"
"Don't say 'mudblood,' Scout, that's common."

And Boo Radley could be like Dumbledore's sister Arianna who never came out of the house except at night. Ok, for real that would make my day. This needs to happen so badly.

Poem #52: Letterbox

"No news is good news," you say,

but I'm feeling lonesome today

it would not hurt to write just to tell me 'Good night" 

ere my letterbox withers away.

A Complaint

As long as I'm in a bad mood, I'd like to take this opportunity to complain about something which has been bothering me for a good while. This is going to be fun.

I don't like it when people use the word "obsessed" to talk about something they love. And no, this doesn't bother me because I actually have OCD, it bothered me long before I knew I had OCD. Because: I've always thought an obsession didn't mean something you love, but something that loves you, and clings and gnaws at your brain like a parasite and nags at you till you feel like, as someone whose name I never learned said, "stabbing yourself in the forehead with a fork." I've always thought of an obsession as something you can't control, with a sort of crazed-and-unhappy connotation to it.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I've always thought of it. Which doesn't make it right, it just gives me an excuse for thinking that way right now. Which is sort of obvious, so that's a waste of three sentences I could have used for something else.

Anyways

If you want to know what I think of obsession vs. non-obsession, watch Season 3 of Sherlock. Here's Anderson. He's thinking about Sherlock and how Sherlock could've faked his death. He can't stop thinking about Sherlock. Maybe he wants to stop thinking about Sherlock. But Sherlock's on his mind and won't get off and he has to keep thinking about Sherlock, and he can't help it and his whole brain is like Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock. Then there's John: John enjoys hanging out with Sherlock. He enjoys solving crimes with Sherlock. He enjoys watching Sherlock be rude to people and then correcting Sherlock and apologizing to said people. He is very sad when he thinks Sherlock is dead and grows a horrible mustache. But he isn't 'obsessed' with Sherlock.

Nother example is, I do not have an obsession with Middle Earth. I go to Middle Earth when I'm unhappy and it makes me happy, and then I go to Middle Earth when I'm happy and it makes me happier, but I don't have an obsession with it. So please don't tell me I'm obsessed with Middle Earth. If you have done this in the past then that's fine and I don't care, and if you do it in the future just to annoy me then that's fine too, I'm just in a bad mood right now because this planet is populated largely with idiots and people who refuse to make eye-contact with me even though I'm trying to be nice and polite which makes me grouchy and irritable.

Poem #51: The Divine Storyteller

Grahame wrote my love and he made it a River,

Barrie wrote my youth and it lasted forever

Milne wrote my friends and each one was a blessing,

Heyer wrote my sweethearts in finery dressing

Wodehouse wrote my troubles and each one amused me,

Lewis wrote my faith and it did not confuse me

Tolkien wrote my death and it did not affright me,

Christ wrote my life in a song to delight me.

Anxiety Bilbo Episode 2: How To Accept a Friend Request

Last episode, Bilbo showed us how to avoid uncomfortable relatives on facebook. But what about making new friends on facebook?

Friend Request from Gandalf the Grey

Bilbo: Hey, look it's Gandalf! *click* 

You are now friends with Gandalf the Grey.

Write on Gandalf's wall?

Bilbo: Hrm, yes I probably should say something to Gandalf. Ok, "Hi, Gandalf." No, that needs an exclamation mark. "Hi Gandalf!" No, one exclamation mark means "I'm pretending to be excited to talk to you," this needs two exclamation marks. "Hi Gandalf!!" no that's a little on the creepy-stalker side of 'excited to talk to you.' Maybe I'll say something very friendly but with just one exclamation mark. Ok. 

Bilbo >> Gandalf "Good morning!" 

Gandalf the Grey commented on your post. 

"What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or, perhaps are you saying that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?

Bilbo: Oh, crap. What does that mean? Is he annoyed? He didn't put any smiley winky faces. I think he's annoyed. But then Gandalf never puts smiley winky faces on anything. I think he's joking. Is he joking? I'm not sure. Should I apologize for whatever I might've done, or should I pretend I think he's joking and go along with it? Or I could just say LOL. Or I could post a GIF of Mr. Bennett saying "I have not the pleasure of understanding you." Yeah, I'll find one of those. 

...

Bilbo: All right, so apparently Google doesn't have any GIF's for not knowing what Gandalf is talking about. GAH and he know's I'm on facebook because I just accepted his friend request, so he'll be waiting for me to respond. AAAAAUGH I'll just say "All of them at once." No, now it looks like I'm annoyed. I'll say "All of them at once!" With a smiley face? No, I've got an exclamation mark, I don't need a smiley face. I don't want him to think I'm a sentimental mush princess. And I'd better like his comment too. Actually, no, I don't need to do that. Ok, here goes: 

"All of them at once!" 

Gandalf the Grey likes your comment "All of them at once!" 

 Bilbo: Oh, drat, now I have to like his comment. But I didn't like it before I commented, so he'll know that I'm just liking his comment because he liked my comment. But that's ok. I think. I think it's ok. Is that ok? If he just liked my comment and didn't comment back, that probably means we don't have to continue the discussion, which probably means I don't have to do anything about it. Ok, I'll do nothing about it. I wish this "like comment" button never got added to facebook. What facebook really needs to do is take off when everything was posted so nobody can tell whether I'm actually on or not. I think I'll write Gandalf a letter. We should get a couple of carrier pigeons and just send each other notes, or we could get owls like they've got in Harry Potter. Or I could just go live with Gollum in his cave and never try to be social again. 

Beren and Luthien

Before I present my arguments re why I think Kili and Tauriel are based on Beren and Luthien, I would like first to make a request.

When God made me He, for reasons of His own, decided that I should be very squeamish about presenting my opinion on anything and that I should feel very uncomfortable doing so. Therefore I'm going to ask please that nobody hate me for my opinion and please remember that presenting my opinion feels to me like facing down a large angry Jabberwocky armed with only a toothpick. That's me armed with the toothpick, not the Jabberwocky.

If you feel that my opinion is stupid and/or irreverent, please just allow me to be happy in my stupidity and irreverence and instead of hating me and sending me out to be tarred and feathered, just pity me for my stupidity. That's all I'm going to say about that.

As I see it, the story of Kili and Tauriel in the Hobbit movies has two prevailing motifs. They are
1. An appreciation for "light and high beauty."
2. The realization/acceptance of death and mortality.

I would like to argue that motifs are also prevalent in the story of Beren and Luthien.

"In that hour, Luthien came, and standing upon the bridge that led to Sauron's isle she sang a song that no walls of stone could hinder. Beren heard, and he thought that he dreamed; for the stars shone above him, and in the trees nightingales were singing. And in answer he sang a song of challenge that he had made in praise of the Seven Stars, the Sickle of the Valar that Varda hung above the North as a sign for the fall of Morgoth." (p. 174).

"But Beren coming back to the light out of the pits of despair lifted her up, and they looked again upon one another; and the day rising over the dark hills shone upon them." (p. 175)

"There she set her arms about Beren, and kissed him, bidding him await her beyond the Western Sea; and he looked upon her eyes ere the spirit left him. But the starlight was quenched and darkness had fallen even upon Luthien Tinuviel." (p. 186)

"For Luthien wove two themes of words, of the sorrow of the Eldar and the grief of Men, of the Two Kindreds that were made by Iluvatar to dwell in Arda, the Kingdom of Earth amid the innumerable stars." (p. 187)


Also very important I think is:

"It is told that Huan pursued the sons of Feanor, and they fled in fear; and returning he brought to Luthien a herb out of the forest, With that leaf she staunched Beren's wound, and by her arts and by her love she healed him; and thus at last they returned to Doriath." (p. 178)

and

"Now Beren lay in a swoon within the perilous Gate, and death drew nigh him, for there was venom on the fangs of the wolf. Luthien with her lips drew out the venom, and she put forth her failing power to staunch the hideous wound...long Beren lay, and his spirit wandered upon the dark borders of death, knowing ever an anguish that pursued him from dream to dream. Then suddenly, when her hope was almost spent, he woke again, and looked up, seeing leaves against the sky; and he heard beneath the leaves singing soft and slow beside him Luthien Tinuviel. And it was spring again." (p. 183)

As Peter Kreeft said, "does that plot sound familiar?"

I'm not going to explain further, because I don't have time and I don't want to. But this is what I thought, and I might be wrong but then I might be right, and I like to think I'm right, so I'm going to pretend I am.

I'd also like to say that I didn't mind Kili and Tauriel because
1. They remind me of my favorite PG Wodehouse couple.
2. They remind me of my favorite Hozier song.
3. They remind me of two of my favorite Florence + The Machine songs.
4. I enjoyed both of their characters both separate and together.
5. They were Tolkien-esque enough for me.
6. They were kind of adorable.
7. That is all. [:

Defining "Love Triangle"

I need to get to sleep, but first I'd like to clear something up.

LOVE TRIANGLE 

A "love triangle," as I understand it, is a situation in which two men/women are both in love with one woman/man and that one woman/man can't make up her mind which one she loves. If she/he definitely loves one or the other, it's not a triangle. It's a line and a dot.

THIS IS A LOVE TRIANGLE 

THIS IS NOT A LOVE TRIANGLE 

These following trios are love triangles: 

1. Bella/Edward/Jacob

2.Katniss/Peeta/Gale 

These following trios are not love triangles:

1. Ron/Hermione/Harry

2. Aragorn/Arwen/Eowyn

3. Kili/Tauriel/Legolas 

4. Ned/Chuck/Olive 

5. Jack/Will/Elizabeth

6. Tristram/Eustacie/Ludovic 

7. Bertie/Madeline/Gussie 

8. Bertie/Florence/Stilton 

9. Bertie/Angela/Tuppy 

10. Sally/Ginger/Bruce

Also, and I can't believe that it's necessary to say this, but Gandalf and Galadriel are NOT IN LOVE. There is, believe it or not, a such thing as affection not pertaining to in-lovedness. I love my brothers, and my dad, and my guy friends, but I am not in love with them. Galadriel is not in love with Gandalf, and Gandalf is not in love with Galadriel, that's all I have to say about that, end of rant. 

Also I still think Kili and Tauriel are based off of Beren and Luthien. I'm waiting for somebody to contradict me so I can unleash my knowledge of The Silmarillion. 

Poem #50: Fur

My lady has a bonny face

eyes and nose all in their place

cap of fur on regal head

but it's not until we wed

I shall ask her "Friend or faux?"

Secret only she can know

Teasing lashes, dimpled cheek

she will tell me in a week

all her secrets, one by one,

under moonlight, under sun. 

Mirkwood as told by S. Morgenstern (and L. Frank Baum)

Once upon a time, the Company of Thorin Oakenshield was galavanting through Mirkwood on their way to take their gold back from Smaug the dragon. Mirkwood was dark and creepy.

"I don't like this forest," said Thorin. "It's dark and creepy."

"Of course I don't know, but I think it's going to get darker before it gets lighter," said Balin.

Bilbo said, "It's not that bad. Well, I'm not thinking of building a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."

They continued on their dark and creepy way through the forest. Once, a flame leapt out of the ground and Thorin's shirt caught fire. Bilbo put it out with a flourish and said, "Well, now. That was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?" Thorin said he wasn't. Soon afterward, another flame leapt out of the ground but Bilbo swept Thorin out of it's path just in time and said, "Well, one thing I will say, Mirkwood certainly does keep you on your toes."

After some time, the Company found that they could journey through the forest quite comfortably and without dying and Bilbo, encouraged by their survival, began telling the Dwarves of his previous adventures as the Dread Pirate Hobbit.

"This will all soon be but a happy memory," he said, "the pirate ship Revenge and life at the far end, and I, as you know, the Hobbit."

"But how is that possible?" said Thorin. "He's been marauding fifty years, and you only left Bag End five years ago."

"I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks," said Bilbo, deftly lifting Thorin up and away from another spurt of fire. "You see, the thing I told you about saying 'please' was true. It intrigued the Hobbit, as did my description of your Epic, Badass, Regal Self. Finally, the Hobbit decided something. He said, 'All right, Bilbo. I've never had a valet. You can try it if you like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' Three years he said that. 'Good night, Bilbo, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me; I was learning to fence. I would fight anything anyone would teach me. The Hobbit and I eventually became friends. And then it happened..."

"What?" said Thorin. "Go on."

"Well, the Hobbit had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me a secret."

Bilbo stopped and lifted Thorin into his arms.

This being done (making Thorin very uncomfortable) he continued.

" 'I am not the Dread Pirate Hobbit' he said. 'My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the last Dread Pirate Hobbit, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Hobbit either. His name was Cumberbatch. The real Dread Pirate Hobbit had been retired fifteen years and was living like a king in Bywater. Then he explained that the name is the important thing in inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Baggins." Bilbo, put Thorin down. "So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard as first mate, all the time calling me the Hobbit. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been the Hobbit ever since. But now that we're all together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Has that been clear to you?"

Thorin nodded, frowned slightly, and stepped into a pit of Lightning Sand. Bilbo, unabashed, grabbed the end of a vine, dove in, and hauled Thorin out. But when they had both collected themselves and dusted themselves off on solid ground, there was no sign of the Company.

"I'll never succeed!" said Thorin tragically. "We may as well die here!"

"No, no!" said Bilbo. "We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of Mirkwood? 1) The Flame Spurt. No problem! there's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid that. 2) The Lightning Sand, which you were clever enough to discover, so in the future we can avoid that too!

"Bilbo," said Thorin anxiously, "what about the R.O.U.S.'s?"

" 'Rachnids of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."

Uncomfortable Relatives On Facebook 101 For Overthinkers

I feel bad for people who have Uncomfortable Relatives on facebook whom they're obliged to be friends with. I always think of Bilbo Baggins's facebook relationship with the Sackville-Bagginses. I imagine it would go down something like this:

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins posted a status. (1 minute ago) 

Bilbo: Oh, crap, Lobelia's on facebook. If I post a status now without liking or commenting on hers, she'll know I'm on facebook and I'm ignoring her on purpose. Best wait a few minutes, then I can post a status and pretend her status got lost in my news feed and I just didn't see it.

(waits several minutes)

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins likes Otho Sackville-Baggins' album Frodo Making Dumb Faces LOL (Just now)

Bilbo: Dammit, I want to post a status *now*. How long is she going to be on? Ya know what, I'm just going to post my status anyway because I want to. 

  Bilbo Baggins reminiscing over old maps and missing my dwarf friends! -with Thorin Oakenshield

Bilbo: Ooh, that's probably Gandalf liking my status. 

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins commented on your status.

Bilbo: Poop. She's probably saying I should've stayed with the dwarves and we're going to get into a whole big discussion and I'll end up saying something offensive, and then I'll have to go back and like all her statuses to make up for it. I'll ignore it. Actually no, she knows I'm on facebook now and she'll be expecting an immediate reply. But then I might've just posted the status quickly and then got off to do something else. So she won't necessarily think I'm ignoring her. But what if she doesn't think of that? Here's what I'll do, I'll just reply LOL to whatever she's saying and leave it at that. Let's take a look at what she commented. 

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins I thought you said Thorin Oakenshield was dead. 

Bilbo: Oh. 

......

Bilbo: Crap, do I have to respond to that? If I don't do it now, I'll have to respond later. Or if I wait till later I can just pretend I never saw her comment. And if she calls me out on ignoring her later, I can just say, "Oh, sorry Lobelia, I never saw you commented. I'll respond to you next time I'm on." Then I can just put a sad face under her comment. Yeah, I'll do that. Or I could just put a sad face now and be done with it. But then she might comment again and I'll have to think of something else to say. What would she say if she comments again? Better make a list of her possible responses and write up my own response for each one just to be prepared for the worst-case scenario. Or I could just delete my status and when she calls me out for ignoring her, I could say "Sorry, Lobelia, I probably deleted my status before I got your notification." Yeah that's a brilliant idea, I'll do that. 

Are you sure you want to delete your status?

Yes. 

Your status has been deleted.