Once upon a time, the Company of Thorin Oakenshield was galavanting through Mirkwood on their way to take their gold back from Smaug the dragon. Mirkwood was dark and creepy.
"I don't like this forest," said Thorin. "It's dark and creepy."
"Of course I don't know, but I think it's going to get darker before it gets lighter," said Balin.
Bilbo said, "It's not that bad. Well, I'm not thinking of building a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely."
They continued on their dark and creepy way through the forest. Once, a flame leapt out of the ground and Thorin's shirt caught fire. Bilbo put it out with a flourish and said, "Well, now. That was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?" Thorin said he wasn't. Soon afterward, another flame leapt out of the ground but Bilbo swept Thorin out of it's path just in time and said, "Well, one thing I will say, Mirkwood certainly does keep you on your toes."
After some time, the Company found that they could journey through the forest quite comfortably and without dying and Bilbo, encouraged by their survival, began telling the Dwarves of his previous adventures as the Dread Pirate Hobbit.
"This will all soon be but a happy memory," he said, "the pirate ship Revenge and life at the far end, and I, as you know, the Hobbit."
"But how is that possible?" said Thorin. "He's been marauding fifty years, and you only left Bag End five years ago."
"I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks," said Bilbo, deftly lifting Thorin up and away from another spurt of fire. "You see, the thing I told you about saying 'please' was true. It intrigued the Hobbit, as did my description of your Epic, Badass, Regal Self. Finally, the Hobbit decided something. He said, 'All right, Bilbo. I've never had a valet. You can try it if you like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' Three years he said that. 'Good night, Bilbo, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.' It was a fine time for me; I was learning to fence. I would fight anything anyone would teach me. The Hobbit and I eventually became friends. And then it happened..."
"What?" said Thorin. "Go on."
"Well, the Hobbit had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me a secret."
Bilbo stopped and lifted Thorin into his arms.
This being done (making Thorin very uncomfortable) he continued.
" 'I am not the Dread Pirate Hobbit' he said. 'My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the last Dread Pirate Hobbit, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Hobbit either. His name was Cumberbatch. The real Dread Pirate Hobbit had been retired fifteen years and was living like a king in Bywater. Then he explained that the name is the important thing in inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Baggins." Bilbo, put Thorin down. "So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard as first mate, all the time calling me the Hobbit. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been the Hobbit ever since. But now that we're all together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Has that been clear to you?"
Thorin nodded, frowned slightly, and stepped into a pit of Lightning Sand. Bilbo, unabashed, grabbed the end of a vine, dove in, and hauled Thorin out. But when they had both collected themselves and dusted themselves off on solid ground, there was no sign of the Company.
"I'll never succeed!" said Thorin tragically. "We may as well die here!"
"No, no!" said Bilbo. "We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of Mirkwood? 1) The Flame Spurt. No problem! there's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid that. 2) The Lightning Sand, which you were clever enough to discover, so in the future we can avoid that too!
"Bilbo," said Thorin anxiously, "what about the R.O.U.S.'s?"
" 'Rachnids of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."
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