Misplaced Quotes: Napoleon Dynamite

For my own amusement

Sherlock 
 
John: So, me and you are pretty much friends now, right?
Sherlock: I don't have *FRIENDS*.

....

Sherlock: Bored.
John: What?
Sherlock: BORED!
John: Sherlock, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day.

....

Moriarty: I've shown you what I can do, I cut loose all those people.
Sherlock: Since when, Moriarty? You have like the worst reflexes of all time!

.....

Harry Potter 

Hermione: As long as Dumbledore's here, Harry, you're safe. Dumbledore offers you his protection.

....

Ron: Third year, he fought off about a hundred dementors at once.
Harry: They kept trying to attack my cousins! What the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Neville: What kind of gun did you use?
Harry: A freakin' twelve gauge, what dyou think???

...

Harry: How long did it take you to grow that moustache?
Sirius: 12 YEARS! IN AZKABAN!!!
Harry: I wish I could grow one.

The Lord of the Rings

Gandalf: You cannot pass!
Frodo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: I am the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Arnor. Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you!

.....

Eowyn: Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel?
Aragorn: I dunno, but she left all this crap on my porch.

.......

Gimli: Toss me.
Aragorn: What?
Gimli: I cannot jump the distance! You'll have to toss me!
Legolas: You got like, three feet of air that time. Can I try it really quick?

.....

Sam:...Rosie Cotton dancing. She had ribbons in her hair. If I ever were to marry someone, it would've been her.
Frodo: To bad. She says she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all her steak.


The Princess Bride

The Man In Black: Draw me the rope.
Inigo: I'm really busy right now.
Man In Black: Will you do me a favor then? Could you bring me my ChapStick?
Inigo: No.
Man In Black: But my lips hurt real bad!





 

The Great McDonald's Drive-Through Blockage Of The Century

If you’re like every single other person in the whole entire universe, you will have at some point in your life felt like you’re a bimbo who can’t do anything right.

But whatever sort of bimbo-who-can’t-do-anything-right you might be, I’ll lay a monkey you haven’t done anything like cause The Great McDonald’s Drive-Thru Blockage Of The Century. That happened a couple of weeks ago, and I did it.

All I wanted was a coke. I was about to drive from my folks’ house to my Grandma’s house. It’s a long-ish drive, so I wanted a sustaining beverage to keep me awake so that I wouldn’t fall asleep at the wheel, cause a major crash, kill several people, and then have to do a long stretch in the local prison. Speaking of which, that would be awesome if jailors still used the rack for punishment so that I could actually do “a long stretch.” That would be a stupendous play-on-words.

Anyway, like I said, I was getting a coke. I went to the little machine where you tell the man what you want, I told the man what I wanted, he said to come to the next window to pay, so I drove to the next window to pay, and then I drove straight past the very last window where my coke was waiting. I didn’t want to back up my car to go get it, because there were about fifty million cars behind me, so I hopped out of the car and walked back to the window to get my delicious coke.

Having thus obtained said coke, I walked back to my car. It was locked, so patted down my pockets for keys, which weren’t there.  Then I noticed that my car was still running. I peeked in the window and the keys were in the ignition. I didn’t have a spare set of keys anywhere within a reasonable distance, so the next thing to do was to call AAA and get them to break into my car so I could drive out of the drive through. So I reached in my pocket and got out my phone.

Here I would have liked to quote Batman and say “Confound it! The batteries are dead!” but I doubt that the McDonald’s people and the fifty million people in cars behind me would have got the reference. So I hopped on over back to the window and asked to borrow a phone. They said yes, I could borrow a phone, so I borrowed a phone, called my mom, and asked her to call AAA.

Meanwhile, the fifty million cars behind me seemed to have noticed that the line wasn’t moving. I yelled “SORRY!” in their general direction about ten billion times until the manager decided that they could squeeze and make a tight u-turn and drive the wrong way out of the drive through.  They did it, and it was very embarrassing. Luckily, I was wearing my Lord of the Rings shirt, which made me feel better.

AAA got there about fifteen minutes later, broke into my car, and bunged the keys at me. So, all’s fair in love and war. But still, I'd have been happy with just the coke. 

Poem #4: The Dragon

In an old little mointain where the grass is green,

there lived a young little dragon who was ever keen

to find his place on the battlefields

and kill fearsome knights with their swords and their shields. 

His mother said, "Don't you go out, young man,

for the knights will kill you, if they can. 

Just stay by the mountain, and all will be fine. 

Leave the fights to the older dragons, son of mine."

Now nearby the cave that was the little dragon's home

dwelt a little dragon maiden, not quite fully grown. 

She was sleek and fair and her eyes so bright,

and our little dragon watched for her every night. 

She was out picking flowers one day on the hill, 

when there came by two knights who were eager to kill. 

One saw her there and he drew his sharp sword,

while the other pulled an arrow back on its cord. 

Now our little dragon boy saw the knights standing there, 

and he called to his lady, "Fair maiden, beware!"

Then he leaped in between her and the skulking knights, 

and he drew back a breath to prepare for the fight. 

With his breath, the little dragon summoned fire to burn, 

but the knights saw him do this and away they turned!

And they ran down the mountain screaming for their mums, 

while the dragon stood tall in the light of the sun. 

Then his mother came out, and his father as well, 

for they had heard the screaming knights, and smelled the knights' smell.

Then they spotted their son standing tall and proud

and the smoke puffing from his nostrils like two clouds. 

Said the dragon maiden: "I thank you so much, kind sir. 

For if you hadn't come, I wouldn't have stirred

from my place in the flowers with the knights so near."

And the little dragon said, "Not at all, my dear."

Then the dragon was honored both in tale and in song, 

for he had sent the knights back to where they belong. 

And the fair dragon kissed him and they danced in the light

of the moon and the stars on the mountain heights.

THE END

How The Snowman Got His Nose

Poem #3

Inspired by Disney's Frozen [:

The snow shone up on the winter sun, 

the sun smiled down in turn, 

but not too hot, for he did not 

desire to make it burn. 

The snow was a soft white blanket for 

the roses while they slept

but there was one who wished for fun, 

so out of bed he crept. 

A snowman passing by saw him

and stopped to greet the rose. 

he tried to smell, but couldn't so well

for he didn't have a nose. 

A reindeer happened to pass by 

with carrots in his teeth

on his way back to have a snack 

at home, or perhaps a feast. 

The reindeer saw the snowman sit 

in such a saddened state. 

"I'll give him food to help his mood,

perhaps he hasn't ate." 

The reindeer thought this kindly thought

and went to the man of snow

he stuck a carrot in the pear-

shaped head of the man like so: 

The snowman then was filled with joy

for he at last could smell

he put his nose down to the rose

and drew a breath that made him swell. 

The snowman thanked the reindeer then

and each went on his way

except the rose, who stays and grows

to give pleasure again someday. 

The Princess Bride: Grand Finale

Last time: Westley has joined forces with Inigo and Fezzik. Westley's set to get Buttercup back just like he promised, Inigo's all set to kill Count Rugen just like he promised, and Buttercup's just about to marry Humperdink just like she promised, so they're all men of their word, really. Except for Buttercup, who is, in fact, a woman.


Part 5

Westley, Inigo and Fezzik broke into the castle by means of being clever. Then they sneaked around the castle for a bit until Count Rugen and a Lot Of Angry Soldiers found them. Inigo killed the Angry Soldiers. Then he turned to Count Rugen and said "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Count Rugen made like a drummer and beat it. Inigo followed. .But Count Rugen was ahead. He ran through a doorway, shut the door, locked it, and kept running. When Inigo came to the door, he hollered for Fezzik, who left Westley alone in the hallway and then pummeled the door to smithereens so Inigo could continue pursuing Count Rugen. When Fezzik came back to Westley, he found that Westley had made like a jolly tree, which was very inconvenient for Fezzik, because he was now left on his own, not knowing what to do.

Meanwhile, Buttercup was in the process of getting married to Humperdink. The Impressive Clergyman who was proctoring the marriage gave a long speech about twoo wuv until Humperdink became impatient with the whole bloody process and told him to skip to the end. So, the Impressive Clergyman said "man and wife," thus manning and wifing Humperdink and Buttercup. This made Buttercup very depressed, so she went to her room and was about to kill herself when Westley, who had decided to invade her private space and lie on her bed, made an unnecessary comment about Buttercup's anatomy. Buttercup responded by jumping on top of Westley and kissing him until he nearly died again.

After Fezzik had knocked the door down for Inigo, Inigo ran through it. Not the door, the doorway. Anyway, he ran after Count Rugen and had almost caught up with in when Count Rugen turned around and chucked a throwing knife at Inigo. The knife went into Inigo's stomach and cut up his insides so that he had to use one hand to keep his intestines from falling out, but he did not give up. Then Count Rugen went and stabbed the b'gosh out of Inigo, but didn't manage to kill him. There was a bit of a disagreement and some negotiations and then Inigo killed Count Rugen.

When Buttercup had finished kissing the snot out of Westley, she apologized to him for marrying Humperdink. Westley pointed out that they had skipped most of the wedding procedures, so the marriage didn't count. Then Humperdink came in and screamed at Westley for his very existence and approached the bed with a sword. But Westley was a man who gave Death wet willies for fun, so he was not miffed. He scolded Prince Humperdink for being an overall scum-sucking prat, called him several unpleasant names, and then had Buttercup tie him up.

Then Inigo came into the room full of holes and with his intestines hanging out of his stomach. The general populace wondered where Fezzik was, until Fezzik called from outside and said he had found some horses for them to make their getaway. So, they all jumped out the window, rode away on the horses, and lived happily ever after.

THE END

Did you see the match last night?

HA HA HA HA HA 

The Princess Bride: Retold (Part 4)

Last time: Vizzinni and the Man In Black were about to have a Battle Of Wits To The Death For Princess Buttercup. Vizzinni was clever, but do not fear for the Man In Black, for he was a man who told "Your Mom's So Fat" Jokes to Death and then laughed at Death in the face.

Part 4

Vizzinni poured wine into two goblets. The Man In Black pulled out a Pixie Stick full of a poison called Iocane. Iocane, the Man In Black explained to Vizzinni, is odorless, tasteless, and deadly. All the more reason to put it in someone's drink, so that's what the Man In Black did. He did it behind his back so that Vizzinni couldn't see, and then put the goblets back on the rock in between himself and Vizzinni that had served as a table.

Vizzinni said: Oh, let me guess. Now you're going to kill me.
The Man In Black said: I'm not going to kill you, Vizzinni. I'm going to talk to you, and then you're going to kill yourself.

That was an Obscure Sherlock Reference, in case you're wondering.

The Man In Black explained to Vizzinni that he had to decide whether the poison was in the Man In Black's goblet or his own goblet. Then, they would both drink from their respective goblets, one of them would die  via Being Poisoned To Death, and the other would go on his jolly way with the Princess Buttercup.

Vizzinni decided that the poison was most likely in one goblet or the other goblet. Having made his decision, they both drank. Vizzinni laughed at what a moron the Man In Black was. After he died, the Man In Black scooped up Buttercup and made like a tree. Unbeknownst to him, Prince Humperdink was close behind. But the Man In Black was a man who made Doom eat his vegetables, so he was not so easily disturbed.

The Man In Black ran with Buttercup to the top of a large hill on the outskirts of the Fire Swamp. Buttercup was very much put out. She told the Man In Black that she believed him to be the Dread Pirate Roberts who had killed Westley. Then she pushed him down the hill.

She said: "I'll never go with you. You killed my boyfriend!"
The Man In Black, on his way down, said: "No, Buttercup. I am your boyfriend."

Buttercup was quite surprised. But she was a woman who ate True Love for dessert with an abundance of pink frosting, so she threw herself down the hill after Westley. She met him at the bottom where they shared a couple of pecks and called one another idiots. Then, Westley noticed Prince Humperdink on top of the hill, so they ran to their deaths in the Fire Swamp.

I'm getting tired, so I'm going to sum-up the rest quickly.

Westley and Buttercup went into the Fire Swamp where there was a disagreement with an ROUS, or Rodent Of Unusual Size. Buttercup did very little to help and was an overall moron while Westley was nearly chewed to bits.

When they exited the Fire Swamp, they met Prince Humperdink, Count Rugen, and all the king's horses and all the king's men. Buttercup decided to make herself useful by going with Prince Humperdink on the terms that Westley would not be sloshed on the head and taken to the Pit of Despair. After Humperdink rode away with Buttercup, Westley noticed that Count Rugen had six fingers on his right hand, and remembered Inigo's story, but before he could do anything interesting, he was sloshed on the head and taken to the Pit of Despair. But Westley was a man who used Despair as chip dip on Superbowl Sunday, so he was not in the least afraid.

Westley was chained onto a table in the Pit Of Despair where he was tortured and killed by Prince Humperdink and Count Rugen. However, Inigo and Fezzik had found each other and had decided to look for Count Rugen, because Fezzik had found out that Count Rugen was the man who had killed Inigo's father, so they decided to look for Count Rugen until they found Count Rugen so Inigo could kill Count Rugen and he and Fezzik would then go and have some manly fun. Inigo decided it would be a good idea to have help from the Man In Black, so they decided to go and look for the Man In Black until they found the Man In Black so that the Man In Black could go and help them find Count Rugen so that Inigo could go and kill Count Rugen and then all three of them could go and have manly fun.

Fezzik and Inigo found Westley in the Pit of Despair. He was dead, but, as you will remember, Westley was a man who played Go Fish with Death and won, so they decided to get a second opinion.

The second opinion was a man named Miracle Max, who diagnosed Westley as being only Mostly Dead. But Westley was a man who could look Mostly Death in the face and told it that it had a booger hanging out of its nose with little or no embarrassment, so all he needed to do to snap out of it was take a Miracle Pill.

Inigo and Fezzik gave Westley the Miracle Pill, and Westley came back to life, except for he couldn't move because the Miracle Pill needed time to have full effect. Together the three of them made their plans to steal back Buttercup and kill Count Rugen.

Tune in next time for the Grand Finale! Same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel!

Gru is Sherlock

I recently had an epiphany after I finished watching the new episode of Sherlock and happened to see the cover of Despicable Me.

Picture Gru in your head. Or, better yet, here's an actual picture of him.

Now, imagine him thinner and younger with black, curly hair and a longer coat.

Ta da. 

Our best assumption so far is that when Sherlock is a little older and thicker with less hair and a bigger nose (because apparently noses don't stop growing, I think someone told me that), one of his archenemies forces him into exile, where he assumes the identity of Gru. That, or his memory was somehow altered so that he believed himself to be a super-villain with a funny accent. 

But, you say, that can't be true, because we see Gru's mom. He couldn't conjure up a mom out of nowhere. I say that Gru's mom is obviously Mycroft In Disguise keeping an eye on him. 

If the first theory is true, and Sherlock was forced into hiding, then I believe he collected his homeless network together and injected them all with a serum which then transformed them into the minions, which makes Dr. Nefario John either in disguise or having aged much faster than Sherlock. 

My brothers and I have three theories why Gru has a long nose and Sherlock doesn't. 

1. Sherlock is older and older men tend to have bigger noses. 

2. Sherlock told several lies and the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio made his nose grow longer. 

3. An anvil dropped on Sherlock's head and some of the length of his face was pushed into his nose. 

So, there you have it. 

Toodle-pip!

The Princess Bride: Retold (Part 3)

When we last left the fate of our heroes hanging in the balance, the Man In Black was gaining on Vizzinni, Fezzik, and Buttercup. Vizzinni instructed Fezzik to hide behind a boulder with a large rock, so that he may crush the Man in Black's head as the Man In Black would approach the scene unawares. But, as you may recall, the Man In Black was a man who chewed death like gum and put it behind his ear when he was tired of chewing. Not that he was ever tired. Meanwhile, Vizzinni and Buttercup fled the scene.

Part 3

If you've seen the movie, you might remember that Buttercup is about twice as tall as Vizzinni, so she might have been able to overpower him and escape. But she didn't, which was very silly of her. In her defense, she was a bit of an idiot. 

While Vizzinni continued his quest to take Buttercup to Guildor where she would be murdered, the Man In Black came to the place where Fezzik was hiding. Fezzik threw his rock at the Man In Black. But, being a sporting Giant, he had decided to get the Man In Black's attention before killing him, so he missed. The rock smashed into a boulder behind the Man In Black and broke into a gazillion pieces. Having sufficiently gotten the attention of the Man In Black, Fezzik came out of his hiding place.There were some negotiations, and they decided that they would both put down their weapons and just pummel each other to death. But, as you know, the Man In Black was a man who used sticky situations as scotch tape, so he was not afraid in the least. In the end, the Man In Black won, but he only won enough to knock Fezzik out. 

As you may remember, the whole scheme of Buttercup Getting Murdered In Guildor To Make It Look Like The Guildarians Did It was originally cooked up by Buttercup's fiancee, The Great Prince Humperdink. But he, being the Prince of Florin as well as the cooker-upper of the scheme, was not allowed to reveal that he was, in fact, the cooker-upper of the scheme as well as the Prince of Florin. So, after Buttercup went missing, he pretended to be devastated, and mustered up some troops along with his sidekick, Count Rugen, who knew all about his dastardly evil plans. The party then went off to search for Buttercup, although Humperdink and Count Rugen already knew that she was in the clutches of Vizzinni and on her way to Guildor.

After Vizzinni and Buttercup left Fezzik to kill the Man In Black, Vizzinni decided to take a short rest, so he made Buttercup sit down and set himself up a snack to go with some wine he had with him. I don't know why he had wine with him. When you're an assassin on a job to kill a beautiful princess, I don't think you usually bring wine, because it can muddle your brains and if somebody else from a different side is coming to kick your assassin, you need your brains to be ship-shape. But, in Vizzinni's defense, he's fairly short and all his growing-powers were concentrated on his brain. On the other hand, this was the time before cars were invented, so the local government had to make walking under the influence illegal. But I'm sure Vizzinni knew what he was doing. 

Vizzinni did not appear to be the least disappointed to see the man who had supposedly killed his two henchmen. Instead, he took out a knife and held it to Buttercup and said "This is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you?" No, I'm sorry. He didn't say that. But he made it clear that if the Man In Black came any closer, he would kill Buttercup until she was quite dead. This did not bother the Man In Black in the least, for he was a man who styled his hair with liquid doom and used death as his deodorant. But he decided he had to get Vizzinni to take his knife away from Buttercup, so he challenged him to a battle of wits. Vizzinni accepted on the terms that whoever lost would die an untimely death. 

Who will win the Battle Of Wits? Will Vizzinni win the Battle Of Wits and bring Buttercup to her doom? Or will the mysterious Man In Black win and take Buttercup to, possibly, an even greater doom? Or a doom less great? Or a doom equally great? Or a doom less great in some ways and more great in others? And who is the mysterious Man In Black? Tune in for answers: same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel, the most horrendous is yet to come!

Gandalf is Rude

I just realized something.

Here's a bit of dialogue between Gimli and Gandalf in The Fellowship of the Ring:

Gimli: Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome.
Gandalf: No, Gimli. I would not go into Moria unless I had no other choice.

Here's what it means:

Gimli: Gandalf, let's go to my cousin's house, it's a great place.
Gandalf: What the heck, man? Your cousin's place stinks, and his royal welcomes suck. Gah. Gross! Freakin' idiot, I wouldn't go there in like a silmarillion years. Heck, no. Those are pretty much the worst mines ever made.
Legolas: Yeah, Gandalf, like anyone can even know that.
Gimli: You know what, Gandalf? You can leave!
Gandalf: You guys are retarded!

Sorry, I don't know how it turned into Napoleon Dynamite.

Oh, here's more.

Frodo: Do the Eagles have large talons?
Gandalf: What?
Frodo: Large talons.
Gandalf: I don't understand a word you just said.

If anyone thinks of anything else, please comment. There's nothing like a Lord of the Rings/Napoleon Dynamite crossover. Speaking of which, go on youtube and look up "lord of the rings napoleon dynamite voiceover." It's hi-freaking-larious.

France

Poem #2

There is a man from Paris, France
I happened by him once by chance,
he said I was the prettiest girl
he'd ever met before.

He took me out for ice cream cones
and then for tea and cake and scones,
we talked and joked and laughed til
we were lying on the floor.

We then went off to climb a tree,
where I was stung by an angry bee
but he pulled out the stinger with
a flourish of his hand.

The next stop was the Eiffel Tower
we stood on top for many an hour
and everybody knew we were
the happiest in the land.

But then it was time to go back home.
He said, "Next time, we'll go to Rome!"
And I said "That sounds lovely," and I
pinched him on the nose.

Because, for now, we're only friends
but even if the world ends,
I hope our friendship will be like
a tree that always grows.

The Princess Bride: Retold (Part 2)

When we last set the tale of The Princess Bride aside (that rhymes), Vizzinni and Fezzik were escorting Buttercup to Guildor where Vizzinni would kill her, leaving Inigo to either kill the mysterious Man In Black in a duel, or wait for him to plummet down the Cliffs of Insanity to his death. We now resume the story:

After Vizzinni and Fezzik left with Buttercup, Inigo had a bit of a chat with the Man In Black while the Man In Black tried to climb higher up the Cliffs, most likely in order to kill Inigo and to either rescue or re-capture Buttercup. Eventually, Inigo decided to lower the rope down for the Man In Black, because the Man In Black was taking a very long time to fall down. Once the Man In Black was on top of the Cliffs with Inigo, they sat and had another bit of a chat.

Inigo told the Man In Black about his sword. It was a sword his father had made for a Six-Fingered Man, not to be confused with the Six-Fingered Man who killed Adrian Monk's wife. The Six Fingered Man was unhappy with the price of the sword, so he had killed Inigo's father and made like a tree, and Inigo had spent his life studying swordplay and pursuing the Six Fingered Man so that he could kill him and make like another tree and get on with his life. At the moment, Inigo told the Man In Black, he couldn't find the Six-Fingered Man, so he was just working for Vizzinni "to pay the bills."

After Inigo finished his story, he and the Man In Black drew their swords so that they could kill each other. They began trying to kill each other and it was very exciting, but they were both very good at killing people, so naturally neither of them succeeded. Eventually, the Man In Black managed to knock the sword out of Inigo's hand, but instead of killing him, he sloshed him on the head with the handle of his own sword, thus rendering him unconscious, made like a nose, and ran (I didn't make that up).

The Man In Black ran. He ran very fast. He ran after Vizzinni and Fezzik because he knew where they were going, and they had something that he wanted. Vizzinni, who had declared a Short Rest, saw him coming at a distance, yelped, wet his pants, grabbed Buttecup by the hand, and told Fezzik to stay behind and kill the Man In Black. Fezzik was very pleased, because he usually didn't get to do important jobs like this. He took a large rock, and hid behind a boulder, waiting for the Man In Black to arrive while Vizzinni made his escape with Buttercup in tow.

Holy Heart-Failure, Batman! What will happen next? Will the Man In Black be rocked to death by Fezzik the Giant? Or will Fezzik die under the sword of the Man In Black? And what will become of Buttercup? Tune in for answers to these terrifying questions, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel. The worst is yet to come!

New Title!

Hello!

As the most observant of you will have noticed, the Bat-Blog has a new title. If this confuses you, my humblest apologies, which probably aren't humble anymore because I've called them "humble," so I know that they're humble and I'm proud of that. And I'm not making satirical remarks about mankind in general, I'm talking about myself specifically, just to let you know.

The Bat-Blog has a new name for two (2) reasons.

1. Because I think it's a better name because it's a play-on-words from The Hobbit movie

and

2. Because I talk a lot more about Tolkien than I do about Batman, so it just makes more sense.

So, I hope you enjoy the new look of The Bat-Blog, and I, in turn, will do my very best to make it enjoyable.

Good night!

Elizabeth

The Princess Bride Retold By Yours Truly (Part 1)

Hello,

I'm taking a break from life, and I can't think of anything else to do, so here's

The Princess Bride

A Sum-Up

By Me

Once Upon a Time, there was a Beautiful Fair Maiden named Buttercup. Her name implies that she is overweight, but she isn't. At least in the movie she isn't. I don't remember her exact weight in the book. The point is that, thin or not, she was beautiful. But, although Buttercup was beautiful, she was rather a snooty airhead which, like her weight, had nothing to do with her beauty. She lived on a farm, which was looked after by a man named Westley, but because Buttercup was snooty, she called him "Farm Boy," and bossed him around just for the sheer heck of it.

Westley didn't mind being bossed around by Buttercup for the sheer heck of it, because Buttercup was beautiful, and one day he decided that she was so beautiful that he wanted to marry her. Buttercup decided that she wanted to marry him too, so Westley ditched her and went off to find money.

Meaning he went off to seek his fortune so that they could get married. That was a joke. Anyway, while Westley was away at sea, Buttercup got news that Westley had been murdered by the Dread Pirate Roberts, the Most Totally Evil Pirate Ever. So, she got very depressed and sat in her room for a very long time.

Five years later, Westley was still dead and Buttercup had been compelled by the Great Prince Humperdink to be his Great Princess Fiancee, which she was not at all happy about. To cheer herself up, she went for a ride on her horse into a forest where she was sure to be kidnapped by assassins.

After being kidnapped by assassins, Buttercup was put on a large boat and sailed away to The Middle Of The Ocean On The Way To The Country Of Guildor. The assassin's name was Vizzinni. He had been hired by Humperdink to kill Buttercup in Guildor and blame it on the Guildarians to start a war between Florin (Prince Humperdink's country) and Guildor. Humperdink would then win the war and claim lordship over Guildor, thus becoming the Prince of, not one, but TWO countries. Assisting Vizzinni were Fezzik the Giant and Inigo Montoya the Spaniard who were very good friends and not entirely bad.

When the ship reached The Middle Of The Ocean On The Way To The Country Of Guildor, Inigo spotted another ship following them. Buttercup saw her chance to escape, so she jumped overboard and tried to swim to the other ship, but was attacked by Screeching Eels which screamed in her face and frightened her poopless. Fortunately, they were close enough to the ship so that Fezzik was able to punch the Eel on the nose and lift Buttercup back onto the ship. However, Buttercup was still in the clutches of Vizzinni, which was Bad, because he was a Bad Guy who was going to kill her.

The next morning, the ship reached The Cliffs of Insanity with the As Yet Unknown Ship close behind. Fezzik was made to wear a sort of girdle so that the other three could hold onto him while he climbed the rope hanging down from the top of the Cliffs, and Buttercup was once again frightened poopless by the height of the cliffs. When they reached the halfway point, Inigo noticed that the As Yet Unknown Ship had also reached the cliffs, and that a Man In Black (not from the intergalactic intelligence agency that Will Smith works at, by the way) was now pursuing them via climbing up the rope. So, when our heroes reached the top, Vizzinni cut the rope in an attempt to send the Man In Black to his doom, but the Man In Black was a man who ate doom for breakfast and regurgitated it to feed his offspring, so instead of falling to his doom, he hung on to the Cliffs was not doomed after all, much to the dismay of Vizzinni. Vizzinni then decided that he and Fezzik would take Buttercup on ahead, while Inigo stayed behind and made sure that the Man In Black either fell off the Cliffs, or died by Inigo killing him in a duel.

Holy cliffhanger! Will the Man In Black indeed fall to his doom? Or will he face death in a duel with Inigo Montoya? Will he kill Inigo Montoya? And what will become of the fair Buttercup? Tune in next time for answers-same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel! The Worst is yet to come!

The Pub

A Poem

by me

There's a little old pub in Tully More
where the lads drink too much tea
it's muddled with their minds, I hear,
for many a strange sight they see.

They speak of a fiddle that plays the cat
(but do not ask me how)
and the moon comes down from her lofty bed
to jump over the cow.

The boys in the pub watch the cat and the cow
till the faces of their wives turn stale,
for these lasses wish that their men would sober
up with a spot of ale.

So the ale is drunk, and the world is right;
for the lasses, none too soon,
and the cat plays the fiddle all through the night
and the cow jumps over the moon.

Radagascar

Ok, I'm still in Hobbit mode, so I'd like to share a BRILLIANT idea that me and my brother had.

If you've seen the movie Madagascar (which I haven't), then you know it's about a lot of animals who escape from the zoo and try to get back home. At least that's what I think it's about. What Thomas and I were thinking was that we should make a movie (and it would be a musical, of course) about Radagast, who decides to take all his forest animal chums and put them in a zoo, then they decide to escape and go back to the forest, and the movie would be called...wait for it....RADAGASCAR. That's what I'm Tolkien about. I didn't come up with that one, by the way. But anyway, it's going to make us famous, and we'll make a silmarillion dollars. I did come up with that one. And it's really bad, but I don't care. When Radagascar comes out, if you see it, you'll be Durin yourself a favor. I came up with that one a long time ago.

Speaking of Radagast, I think if Santa Clause ever sees The Hobbit, he'll ditch his reindeer and get himself some rabbits. Not that I have anything against reindeer, I just thought the rabbits were cool. And I know some people thought they were ridiculous, but snails can carry about a billion times their own body weight, so why not rabbits? Plus they were MAGIC rabbits.

Time for more coffee. Toodle Pip!

While I'm thinking about The Hobbit, I'd like to share a revelation I had the fourth or fifth time I saw the first one.

I believe that Azog is a distant relative of Voldemort. He looks like a buff version of Voldemort. Plus, everybody says that Frodo looks a little like Harry Potter. So, I think that modern day wizards and witches are ancestors of people from Middle-Earth. Maybe Middle-Earth eventually became uninhabitable, or it was going to be destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass like in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so they had to evacuate, and they all moved to Earth.

Concerning The Hobbit

Over Christmas vacation, or whatever it's called these days, I went out with my folks and saw the new Hobbit movie. And I'm not ashamed to say that I enjoyed it very much. 

A lot of people are ganging up to tar and feather the heck out of Peter Jackson because (1) He didn't follow the book and (2) his action scenes were very overkill. 

Concerning (1) I'm able to keep separate files in my brain for books and movies, and if both the book and the movie are good, I'm happy. I don't care if they're different. I know some people can't do that, but that's your headache. Also, I know a lot of people were angry that Mr. Jackson added Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly's character) in the second movie. I was a little bit too, before I saw the movie. But, in her defense, she was kind of a butt-kicking badass. I need to find a new word for badass, because I don't really like using the word badass. I'm going to say "motorcycle" instead, because motorcycles are badass. Anyway, Tauriel was a bit of a motorcycle. 

Concerning (2) Ok, I agree that some of the action scenes were overkill, but I don't care because I'm a sucker for a lot of handsome motorcycle fantasy dudes killing off huge scary neat looking dragons voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch. Plus if you look at the movie as a whole and you take the characters, the scenery, the music, the costumes, and the overall awesomeness and subtract the annoying-ness of the overkill, you still have a motorcycle movie. 

So in conclusion: I am not at all ashamed that I enjoyed The Hobbit movies and I am looking forward to the next one. Although I sort of hope that Tauriel dies. 

Good night!

A Thought on "Shout it From the Mountaintops"

I know I posted something just a second ago, but I just had a thought.

I was thinking of the expression "shout it from the mountaintops." It's a bit contradictory. If I climb a mountain and shout something, nobody will be able to hear me unless they're on top of the mountain with me. Mountains are very tall.

Anyway, just a thought.

Good night!

What Ho!

Hello! I'm back. I decided for a while not to blog anymore because I thought it was turning me into a conceited fop who does nothing but talk about herself all the time, but then I thought about it and decided it wasn't turning me into a conceited fop who does nothing but talk about herself all the time. So, here I am. Hello.

Also, Merry Belated Christmas. In the Spirit of Belated Christmas, here's

Winter Wonderland, Tolkien Style

♪ Sauron's Ring, gold and shiny
treacherous, though it's tiny
it must be destroyed,
it isn't a toy,
muster up the men of Middle-Earth.

Gone and dead is Isildur,
we must walk into Mordor
it's not simply done,
it's not at all fun,
muster up the men of Middle-Earth.

In the Shire we will find some Hobbits,
they've all said that they'd be keen to help,
we'll have lots of fun with all the Hobbits
till Sam and Frodo go off by themselves

Later on, they'll perspire,
as they toss the Ring into the fire
while we face unafraid
the plans that we've made
and muster up the men of Middle Earth. ♪

Also Happy 2014!