Orc-Latin and Elf-Latin

What ho, fellow Mordorks!

After watching Desolation of Smaug about 500 times this summer, I think I figured out how to sound like you're speaking Black Speech (aka Orc Language of Darkness and Doom).

A lot of words/phrases in Black Speech seem to end with the sound "nash." So, to speak Orc-Latin, you just need to move the first letter of each word to the end of the word and add "nash," or "ash" (unless the word begins with a vowel).

For example,

"Onenash oesdash otnnash implysash alkwash intonash Ordormash"

translates to

"One does not simply walk into Mordor."

And

"Eythnash arenash akingtash ethnash obbbitshash otash Isengardash"

translates to

"They are taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

Elf-Latin is a little more complicated. It is constructed the same way as Orc-Latin, only words that begin with vowels end with "than" and words that begin with consonants will end with "elion" [pronounced "th-ah-n" and "elly-on"].

For example,

"Onethan oesdelion otnelion alkwelion intothan Ordormelion"

translates to

"One does not simply walk into Mordor,"

and

"Eythelion arethan akingtelion ethelion obbitshelion otelion intothan Isengardelion"

translates to

"They are taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

Actually, I explained that really bad. Let me try that again.


 Orc-Latin: translate your speech into Pig-Latin, If the Pig-Latin word ends in a vowel, remove "yay" and add "nash." If the Pig-Latin word ends in a consonant, remove "ay" and add "ash."

Elf-Latin: translate your speech into Pig-Latin. If the Pig-Latin word ends in a vowel, remove "yay" and add "than." If the Pig-Latin word ends in a consonant, remove "ay" and add "elion."

There you go, now you know everything there is to know about Orc-Latin and Elf-Latin.

GAH PEOPLE

I need to stop reading comments on Pinterest, because I always end up like

when people are stupid. 

People aren't always stupid, but when they are, they're stupid in the very way that pets my peeves. 

More On The Tauriel Debate

People [on both sides] are getting way too worked up. The third movie isn't even out yet, so we don't even know how the whole Legolas/Tauriel/Kili thing is going to turn out. If I were in the habit of telling people what to do, I'd say calm the heck down and reserve judgment until December 17th. 

I've noticed that a lot of serious Tolkien Nerds are pro-Tauriel, and I think it's because she seems like a character that Tolkien could have written. I just finished reading The Silmarillion and as I read I came across characters that were very Tauriel-ish. 

So, people, in the spirit of keeping the peace, shut up until December and then you can tar and feather Peter Jackson. Mr. Jackson said in an interview that in the third film, everything is going to come together and tie in, which is SUPER EXCITING. 

One more thing [SPOILER ALERT]

One of the anti-Tauriel/Kili friendship arguments was that Legolas and Gimli's friendship was supposed to be the first time an Elf and a Dwarf became good friends. 

My response to that is: 

Kili and Tauriel won't have a chance to become good friends because Kili's going to die, which is very sad.

Have a nice day!

An Excellent Movie Idea By Yours Truly

I just had an EXCELLENT IDEA.

I'm going to become a movie director and make a movie and tell everybody, "It's got a twist at the end." Then I'm going to end the movie with

and it's going to be brilliant. 

A Thought On Cute People

I was on Pinterest just now [obviously] looking at LOTR/The Hobbit stuff [of course] and I saw a picture of a Random Mirkwood Elf and I thought, "I'm going to pin that, because he's cute." Then I thought, "Wait, I shouldn't just pin that because he's cute, he's not even an important character, don't be a stupid fangirl, don't pin it just because he's cute." Then I thought, "Screw that." And pinned it anyway.

Then I thought, what's wrong with liking a person's face? Faces are nice things to look at. Liking a person's face is like enjoying looking at an interesting flower or bird or soldering iron. I've never asked God this, but I bet He likes it when people appreciate each other's good looks, because He made them good-looking. You can look at a person with a nice face and say "Hey, Lord, that's a neat-looking person You made," and He'll be tickled pink and say, "Aw, really?"

This is a bit of a revelation for me, because I've always beaten it into my head that I can ONLY like a person for his personality, and there can't be anything physical about it at all.

Poem #42: In Which Jack Nicholson Doesn't Give A Hoot

Drinking makes your breath smell,

sugar grays your hair,

smoking gives you cancer, 

but I don't really care. 

GMO's are deadly,

stay away from them. 

Smoke will stop your lungs up,

and now I'm dead again.

Cigarette's are evil, 

so are pipes, they say. 

If I die, I'll smoke first

and die my favorite way. 

Aglet Appreciation

Hello!

Nothing to report, just that I watched an episode of Phineas and Ferb last night, and I now feel that I need to raise awareness and appreciation of the aglet.

This is an aglet. Please take a moment to appreciate it. 

How Not To Man

I just realized, the Prince from Cinderella is a git. Here's why:

According to The Grand Duke, when the Prince sees Cinderella, he knows she's "the girl of his dreams...who she is or whence she came, he knows not, nor does he care..."

Now I'm thinking,

Also because of this meme: 

Also he literally yawns and rolls his eyes when being introduced to less pretty girls in the Kingdom. Not good Husband Material. 

This is not how to man. 

THIS is how to man. 

[this is Will Proudfoot from Son of Rambow]

Last Night's Discussion With Anthony

Anthony: ....they left SOOO much stuff out of Goblet of Fire! They left out some of the best parts! When I grow up I'm going to redo Harry Potter as a TV show and make sure EVERYTHING's in it.

Me: The way I see it, the movies are just companions to the books. They're not supposed to be like the books only on TV, they just go along with the books.

Anthony: What? You mean like Batman and Robin?

Me: What about Batman and Robin?

Anthony: I mean like how the movie's called "Batman," but it has Batman AND Robin in it. So the book would be like Batman and the movie would be like Robin?

Me: No, no, I mean the book would be Batman, and the movie would be an action figure of Batman. You wouldn't pick up an action figure of Batman and say, "What?! How come it doesn't actually move or talk?! It doesn't look exactly like Batman! It's TERRIBLE!"

Maisie: Wait, what're you talking about?

Anthony: She's saying that movies are like action figures of Batman, and books are like the actual Batman.

Maisie: Wait, what?

Me: No, I mean books are to Batman as movies are to action figures of Batman.

Maisie: WHAT??

Anthony: Never mind!

Superhero Science-Fiction vs. Fantasy Adventure

All right.

I wasn't going to say anything, but I have to now, because this cannot go on.

Actually, it can, and technically everything would still be hunky dory, but to quote Morpheus it's "a splinter in [my] mind...driving [me] mad..."

Here goes: Superhero Science-Fiction is NOT, I repeat, NOT, the same genre as Fantasy Adventure. Let me break it down for you. Bear with me; I'm explaining this for your own good.

Similarities Between Superhero Science-Fiction and Fantasy Adventure: 

1. Both usually have a lot of action.

2. Both are usually classified as "Nerdly."

Differences Between Superhero Science-Fiction and Fantasy Adventure:

1. Superhero Science-Fiction usually takes place in the real world, while Fantasy Adventure usually takes place partly or wholly in a different universe.

2. Superhero Science-Fiction characters for the most part have American accents, while Fantasy Adventure characters mostly have British accents.

3. Superhero Science-Fiction usually includes futuristic technology, wardrobes, and ways-of-life, while Fantasy Adventure usually has technology, wardrobes, and ways-of-life similar to Medieval Times or a similar past time period.

4.  Superhero Science-Fiction heroes usually become heroes through tragic backstories, while Fantasy Adventure heroes become heroes because it's either their destiny or their birthright.

5. Superhero Science-Fiction usually features one female character who falls for the main hero, while Fantasy Adventure usually features one or more female character who may or may not fall for one of the main heroes or one of the minor characters.

6. Superhero Science-Fiction has the heroes hiding their identity to protect their loved ones, while Fantasy Adventure features heroes who embrace their identity and become beacons of hope for their loved ones and their people.

7. Superhero Science-Fiction usually features villains who do villainous things for an understandable reason, while Fantasy Adventure usually features villains who do villainous things just because they're assholes.

8. Superhero Science-Fiction usually features a person/group of people who work for the good of protecting one region/city/area, while Fantasy Adventure usually features a person/group of people who work for the good of the whole fantasy world.

9. Superhero Science-Fiction soundtracks usually have an emphasis on beat and rhythm, while Fantasy Adventure soundtracks usually have an emphasis on melody.

10. Superhero Science-Fiction heroes and villains have awesome modes of transportation like motorcycles, spaceships, rocket-boots, etc., while Fantasy Adventure heroes and villains have awesome modes of transportation like horses, eagles, dragons, rams, and elk.

11. Superhero Science-Fiction heroes are usually humble nobodies, while Fantasy Adventure heroes tend to be great kings.

12. That's all.

13. Actually it might not be all, it's just all I can come up with at the top of my head.

14. Have a nice day.

Today is a good day. I don't feel like telling you about it because it would take a long time, and I'm tired and it's almost midnight, but today was good.

Actually no, I will tell you about it.

No there is too much, lemme sum-up.

(That's Inigo Montoya. Must quote The Princess Bride at every given opportunity).

Today's highlights:

1. Hung out with one of my old best friends
2. Babysat my favorite people and fed a lot of princesses to The Dragon
3. Ate delicious pasta
4. Did something my OCD wouldn't let me do for years and enjoyed it. I'm not saying what it was because it would require a lot of tedious explaining, which I don't want to do.

Which brings me to

If you have OCD, just know that it can be stopped. Or at least controlled. Or given a swift kick in the ass. Don't think it can't.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit and The Silmarillion are brilliant, and I'm going to have a drink and do some more watching/reading/general fangirling until bedtime.

Also here's another pun:

I walked through some poison ivy. It was a rash decision.

Some Puns For You

I've thought of a bunch of stupid puns in the last few days, and I need to get them all down before I forget them in case I ever have the chance to use them.

1. I go on Pinterest when I'm board.

2. I don't want this belt to be put to waist.

3. A Saran-wrap salesman tried to rip me off, but I saw right through him.

4. Thorin uses his Oakenshield instead of an actual shield because he's trying to branch out.

5. When Gandalf drives places, he has to park in Staff Parking.

That's all I've got right now. I might come back and add more later.

Out.

Poem #41: Doug

Here's another one for Mary, who found this lovely picture.

Disclaimer: I know this is incredibly stupid, and I don't care.

Also please don't think that I think Doug is a stupid name because I'm using it in this context of stupidity, I think Doug is a nice name and I know of some very nice people who belong to it.

Doug once went a-huntin’ with his trusty knife and gun

He said, “I’ma shoot me up some bears ‘n’ lions just for fun.”

He went deep into the forest, set hisself down on a rock,

Threw some bullets in his gun and then turned off the safety lock.

Suddenly, from ‘round a sycamore where Doug commenced to lean

Came the biggest-ass kitten Doug had ever, ever seen.

It proceeded then to belt him in his head and facial parts,

till his nose was all a-bleedin’ and his ears were all a-smarts.

Doug said, “Varmit, you done pissed me off, you furry-ass disgrace!”

So he took his trusty shotgun and he shot it in the face.

Then he took his knife and took the skin off all its bones and lard,

And he thought it mighty pretty, so he made a leotard.

And Another Thing

It bothers me a little when people say that someone "lost a battle with cancer." 

My Grandma had cancer, and she past away a little over a year after she was diagnosed, but I'll never say that she lost. The last year of her life she was just as cheerful and brave and dear as she's always been, if not more so. The cancer never beat her. She accepted it and "greeted death as an old friend," as my fellow Potterheads would say. That's all I got to say about that, Elizabeth out. 

How To Lose Your Temper Like A Grammar Nazi

Here's today's Daily Criticism Of The English Language And Of Expressions We Use.

I realized today, unless it was yesterday (I forget because I've had too much coffee and ice cream), that the phrase "I have a temper" usually means the same thing as "I lost my temper." Which sounds weird, because if having a temper means getting very angry and lashing out, then a temper seems like something you would want to lose if you had one.

Just for fun, I Googled "temper" just to see what the actual definition is. Actually I didn't yet, I'm going to now just as soon as I finish typing this sentence.

Ok, Google says that "temper" means "a person's state of mind seen in terms of their being angry or calm."

So if you lose your temper, you wouldn't have a state of mind at all, and the only appropriate time to say "I lost my temper" would be after your soul was eaten by a Dementor. And saying "I have a temper" just means "I have a state of mind," which is what you would say just before a Dementor ate your soul so that the spectators can have a clear before/after comparison.

The simplest way to say "I lost my temper" and mean what you say would (I think) be "I got very angry and shouted at you and hit you very hard with my soldering iron."

That's only if you're a Grammar Nazi and want to wreak havoc and chaos on our way of life, or if you got very angry and shouted at someone and hit him with a soldering iron and he forgot about it due to memory loss, and you need to remind him what you did so that you can properly apologize.

Mushy Sentimental Fangirl Reminiscence

I have not been in school for three months now. Almost three months. 2.9 months. Also I don't have a boyfriend to take me to Disneyland, and I can't afford to take myself to Disneyland, so I have far too much time on my hands, which means I get to watch/read LOTR/The Hobbit as many times as I want. Summer for me basically means being in full-blast Tolkien mode.

I try not to talk about it too much because I don't want people to get sick of me, but today, I have worked hard, and now I'm going to sit down with a Nice Cup Of Decaf and talk about Tolkien as much as I want.

WARNING: SENTIMENTAL REMINISCENCE OF A HOPELESS FANGIRL

Note: I don't really like the word "fangirl," even though I use it plenty. Somehow it makes me even less intelligent.

Some of my favorite early memories are of my parents reading The Hobbit/LOTR to me and my big sister. I must've been about seven or eight. My favorite first encounters of Middle-Earth are

1. Asking my ma what a hobbit was, and she said the explanation was coming up, and the next sentence she read was "The mother of this particular hobbit-what is a hobbit?"

2. My parents reading the "Blunt the knives" song

3. Getting chills reading the chapter title "Riddles in the Dark"

4. Being scared of the illustration of Gollum

4.5 Feeling sorry for Bombur

5. Being indignant and depressed when Fili and Kili died [they were my favorites. and that was before they were this good-looking]

6. Getting excited feel-good heebie jeebies reading the title of the first chapter of Fellowship and noticing it was just like the first chapter title of The Hobbit 

7. Surprised when we found out Merry wasn't a girl

8. Chills from the chapter title "A Knife in the Dark"

9. Chills from Frodo imagining dark fingers trying to steal the Ring

10. Astonished at the story of Gollum's life

11. Super excited feel-good heebie jeebies when Frodo meets Gloin in Rivendell

12. My ma explaining Sam's "not dropping no eaves"

13. My Big Sister saying she didn't realize how much she liked Boromir until he died

14. Laughing at Legolas and Gimli counting dead orcs

15. Thinking Pippin was really smart tricking the orcs

16. Weirded-out at the illustration of Treebeard and my ma telling us he's actually a good guy

17. Saying "they should make a movie" and my dad saying that they are

18. Fangirl giggling when Bilbo gives Sam a bag of gold in case Sam wants to get married

19. Sam saying "well, I'm back."

I have the best parents in the world.

If I have kids, first thing I do will be to read to them. Actually no, I'm going to hire Laurence Fishburne to put on shades and say "Welcome...........to the Real World" when each of them is born, so that'll be the first thing. Of course they won't get the reference, but I will and it's going to be hilarious.

Your Next Halloween Costume

This is my blueprint for a Gandalf Riding An Eagle Costume. I don't know if you can see that ok. Reading top to bottom, that is you (not me because I don't feel like it) dressed as Gandalf from head to waist with shoes tied around your waist and a paper mache eagle built around your middle. Then there's your legs and feet dressed as eagle legs and feet. 

Bat-Art #2 and #3: "Colossus" and "The Death of Marat"

Tracings of Francisco Goya's Colossus and Jaques-Louis David's The Death of Marat Batmanned for my own entertainment.

Colossus 

The Death of Marat