Florence + The Machine/Disney Princesses

I had a long car drive today, which was boring, so I decided to pair up all the Disney princesses I could think of with songs by Florence + The Machine.

For your benefit I have organized my list in a Helpful Chart.

Princess	Film	Song	Line From Song
Elsa & Anna	Frozen	Rabbit Heart	♪Here I am, the rabbit-hearted girl, frozen in the headlights, it seems I’ll make the final sacrifice ♪
Rapunzel	Tangled	Cosmic Love	♪I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map, And I knew that somehow I could find my way back ♪
Jasmine	Aladdin	I’m Not Calling You A Liar	♪I’m not calling you a liar, just don’t lie to me ♪
Belle	Beauty and the Beast	Howl	♪The beast howls in my veins, I want to find you, tear out all your tenderness and howl ♪
Meg	Hercules	Shake It Out	♪And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off ♪
Aroura	Sleeping Beauty	Heartlines	♪This fantasy, this fallacy, this tumbling stone, echoes of a city that’s long overgrown and your heart is the only place that I call home ♪
Snow White	Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs	Seven Devils	♪Seven devils all around you, seven devils in your house, I was dead when I woke up this morning and I’ll be dead before the day is done ♪
Mulan	Mulan	No Light, No Light	♪I never knew daylight could be so violent, a revelation in the light of day, you can’t choose what stays and what fades away, and I’d do anything to make you stay ♪
Cinderella	Cinderella	You’ve Got the Love	♪Now and then it seems that life is just too much, but you’ve got the love I need to see me through ♪
Alice	Alice in Wonderland	Blinding	♪No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world ♪
Ariel	A Little Mermaid	What the Water Gave Me	♪Oh, my love don’t forsake me, take what the water gave me ♪

As you can see, I worked very hard to make your life slightly more interesting for a few minutes. You're welcome. 

Queen Elsa Has OCD

Every time I see Frozen, I am further convinced that Elsa has OCD.

A lot of people who have seen Monk think OCD is

"...she wore the gloves all the time, so I just thought, maybe she has a thing about dirt..."

when a lot of times it's actually more like, 

"...be the good girl you always have to be...no escape from the storm inside of me..."

along with the social anxiety, the worrying that you'll slip up and hurt people and make mistakes and all that rot. 

I just thought that was interesting. I wonder if the movie-makers had OCD in mind when they made Elsa.

Anyho, I don't care. I'm going to bed. Good night!

Why Does This Keep Happening To Me

I had a moment of terror in the ladies' bathroom at Barnes and Noble today.

 I was in one stall and the lady in the stall next to me started talking to her kids and she had a very very very deep voice, so I just got really stiff, then tried to peek under the wall and see what her shoes looked like to see if she was a man and if I was in the wrong restroom. Her shoes were a bit androgynous, so that freaked me out a little and I had to sit there like a stiff rock until they all left to come out.

This needs to stop happening. There needs to be some sort of indication that the restroom is for women INSIDE the bathroom AND the stalls for people like me who forget whether or not they checked if they were going into the right bathroom.

I know you're supposed to check for urinals, but it's hard to do that while you're stuck, petrified within the confines of your own stall.

I think the women's restroom's stalls, walls, ceilings, and floors should be painted bright pink and there should be flowers and glitter all over the place with "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" playing so that it would be very clear which bathroom it is.

When I rule the world, I will make this a law.

Yeesh.

Knuckle-Cracking

People who have at one point in their lives been in the same room as me know that I tend to crack my knuckles loudly and constantly. Due to my knuckle-cracking, I have been murdered several times in fits of rage (not my rage, other people's rage) and have endured several lectures on the benefits of non-knuckle-cracking, such as not getting arthritis. 

People who hold this view are like the Health teacher from the movie Mean Girls. 

"Don't crack your knuckles. If you crack your knuckles, you WILL get arthritis. And DIE."

I don't know if knuckle-cracking causes arthritis. I have heard several different opinions from about ten gazillion different people, all of whom have conspired to contradict each other for the benefit of my confusion and annoyance. So, I have decided to ignore all of them and observe all the facts for myself in order to decide whether or not I should try to stop. 

Stopping isn't easy. I've had people ask me, "why don't you just STOP, like just DON'T DO IT?" At least people who smoke can throw away their cigarettes; I can't cut off my fingers. 

I don't understand people. I can crack my back all the way up and down and it makes a lovely noise like popcorn, and people say, "Ohhhh, I wish I could do that, it sounds like it feels good." Whereas if I crack my fingers, people say, "Don't crack your knuckles. If you crack your knuckles, you WILL get arthritis. And DIE." 

Anyway, I've made a Pros and Cons list, or rather one list of Pros and one list of Cons, totaling two lists. 

Pros of Stopping Knuckle-Cracking

1. It will make people very happy

2. I possibly will not get arthritis

Cons of Stopping Knuckle-Cracking

1. It will cause me frustration and inner turmoil. 

2. It will possibly be a waste of time if it doesn't cause arthritis. 

3. The word "cracking" is the British word for "brilliant."

4. The word "crack" is apparently Irish slang for "fun."

5. If you take out "-cking" from the word "cracking," and add the letter B to the end, it says "crab," which is delicious. 

So, I've decided ♪ I don't care what you say anymore this is my life/ go ahead with your own life, leave me alone ♪ 

Poem #15: The Bear-Prince

In the misty forests of Italy

there lived a Great Black Bear;

he gathered fish and berries

for his tea without a care. 

But unbeknownst to him, there was

a Witch that dwelt nearby. 

She watched him from her broomstick

as she flew above the sky. 

She hated him, and feared him too, 

for he was much to large;

she could not bully smaller beasts

and take them in her charge. 

Until, on one fine day, our friend

the Bear went for a stroll.

The Witch then saw her chance and came

down from her high patrol. 

She sneaked into his bearish hut 

and found his pot of tea

then giggled with delight and said,

"At last the luck's with me!" 

She then drew from her evil pocket

one small, evil flask

of potion that would give the Bear

an everlasting mask. 

She poured it in his tea, and just

in time, ran out the door, 

but stayed outside to listen

as the tea was slowly poured. 

The Bear then took a sip of tea

and smiled at the taste. 

But then, by chance, he saw his mirror

and gasped at his new face. 

For not a bear he saw, rather
a tall and handsome Prince!
He thought he was mistaken, so
he stole another glimpse.

Alas, indeed, a prince he was
with hands instead of paws,
he felt a weakness growing,
and he missed his mighty claws.

And as he thought these thoughts, the Witch
sprang from her hiding spot.
 She cackled, "Why, my beastly friend,
This form becomes you not!

"You've lost your massive bearish form,
and power too, I deem.
And now that I can kill you, I
at last may be the Queen!"

The Bear-Prince cried aloud in fright
and scrambled out the door
He ran and ran far from the woods
til he could run no more.

And when he stopped to catch his breath,
he spotted a little town,
and on its outskirts sat a little
girl in a tattered gown.

Her name was Nona, so they say,
and she lived quite alone
but for her wicked sister
who disliked her to be at home.

She looked up and saw this Handsome Prince
come out by the Forest Path.
She said, "Oh sir! You've come to save me
from my sister's wrath!"

The Bear-Prince said, "Bambina, 
I am not the prince you seek,
but a beast enchanted by a Witch,
who hunts me as we speak.

But if you help me break the spell
that's taken hold of me,
I'll bring you to my Forest where
you surely may be free."

While Nona listened to his words,
a thought came to her head.
She said, "Come with me, I've a friend
who might relieve your dread."

She took him to the Chapel in
the middle of the town,
and there before a statue of
Saint Francis she knelt down.

Then Nona said, "Saint Francis is
the friend of every beast.
Just ask him if he'll change you,
it won't hurt you in the least."

And so the Bear-Prince bowed his head
and said a little prayer.
And when his eyes were opened,
he was once again the Bear.

The Bear let out a growl of joy
and nuzzled Nona's face,
then thanked Saint Francis and Our Lord
with all his bearish grace.

Then suddenly, "Don Beto!"
Nona cried with great surprise.
The Bear turned 'round and saw The Priest
with sternness in his eyes.

"Dear Nona," said Don Beto,
"Have I not told you before?
Our Lord loves animals like you,
but they belong outdoors.

"You know Saint Francis hears you
just as well outside as in.
I'm not cross, but Don Marco says
his lenience grows thin."

"Yes, Father," Nona said and left
the Chapel with the Bear.
"Now onward to defeat the Witch!
For Saints Francis and Claire!"

The Bear bore her upon his back,
and went galumphing forth
where even now the Witch was
doing evils of all sorts.

When they came to the woods, they heard
 the smaller creatures cry,
"Help! Help us! We are being oppressed!
The Witch must be made to fly!"

The Bear spotted the evil Witch
and gave a Mighty Roar!
She shrieked in great astonishment
and fell to the Forest floor.

The Witch then leaped onto her broom
and flew into the sky
while the little beasts she'd bullied
hopped and cheered and waved Goodbye.

From that day on, they lived in peace,
the creatures of those woods.
The Witch dared not come back again
while the Bear stayed true and good.

And Nona built a little hut
next to his great bear one
but they still go to see Saint Francis,
whether rain or sun.

Poem #14: Small Words

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia: n. fear of long words

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia 

is a difficult word to say; 

it is also the name of an island

that I happened across one day. 

Unfortunately, the folk who dwell there

don't understand long words, 

and so they resort to simpler ones 

like "waffle" and "button" and "birds." 

I sailed there once on my little boat

in search of a certain tree,

doing research for a book to be called

The Life of the English Bee.

But, alas, when my boat hit the sandy shore,

my tree was not to be found. 

But then I thought, "I'll ask the King, 

perhaps he's seen one around." 

And so I passed through the palace gates

and entered the Monarch's rooms;

the King sat cheerfully eating an apple tart

with a runcible spoon. 

I said,"Good Monarch, my King and my Liege, 

I'm sorry to trouble you so.

But I seek the Malus domestica,

of which I am sure you know." 

The King, who wished me to think him wise,

tried hard to assemble his face

so that it would not be a mere blank stare,

while his mind tried to quicken its pace. 

He said, "Oh yes, that I know of well. 

I believe it comes from Spain. 

You never should feed it to rabbits, 

but it is good for the human brain."

I stared at the King in marvel, for

I had not expected this. 

He knew many facts which I, a well-known

scholar should never have missed!

And so there I sat for a year or two

by the side of my mentor, the King, 

and took in every word he said,

each and every little thing. 

Til one day, while we shared an ale,

he said, "You ought to know.

I have no faint idea what a Malus 

domestica is, this is all just for show!

"I wished for my people to see a wise king, 

but now I want you for my friend. 

And that is not possible if all I am that 

you know of me is just pretend!

For I am a simple king, simple of mind

and my people use only small words.

we do not understand things like Malus domesticas;

to us, those just sound absurd!"

I laughed, and we've remained firm friends,

myself and that simple king

and I've always remembered to use small words

or he won't understand a thing. 

http://www.bing.com/search?q=apple+tree+scientific+name&go=&qs=n&form=QBLH&pq=apple+tree+scientific+name&sc=4-21&sp=-1&sk=&cvid=2bdf127778db40ecb1ca00b7c1c50cc2

Gilgamesh

Today in my Ancient History class, the Eminent Professor decided to show us a video that told us the Epic Story of Gilgamesh, which tells the story about a king who tried to become immortal and failed.

This is how the story went: 

The Epic of Gilgamesh 

Once upon a time, there was a man named Gilgamesh who was 1/3 human and 2/3 god. How his parents managed that, I don't know. I suppose gods can control the amount of DNA they put into their offspring. In any case, that's the way he was. It gave him super-human strength and he liked it. 

Gilgamesh was the ruler of a city called Uruk, and his people were the Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings. Ignore that. Gilgamesh was the ruler of a city called Uruk, and he built a wall around it to protect his people from Large People With Pointed Sticks. However, he oppressed his people which made them feel like they were being oppressed. 

And so the people of Uruk prayed to the Sky God for help, so the Sky God sent them a Wild Man named Enkidu to eat their sheep and steal their food. In the Sky God's defense, he possibly forgot to tell Enkidu which creatures in Uruk was the oppressive one that needed disposing of, so Enkidu probably decided to do away with all of them, starting with the sheep, until he finally killed the right one. 

After Enkidu had killed most of the sheep, the people went to Gilgamesh and complained. Understandably, they decided not to go to the Sky God for help again. Gilgamesh decided to send a Bikini-Clad Harlot to seduce Enkidu so that he would stop eating the sheep, which was gross, but it worked. 

However, when the Bikini Harlot and Enkidu came back to the palace, Gilgamesh and Enkidu had a fight and Gilgamesh beat Enkidu to a pulp, and they became best friends. 

Whatever. 

A few years later, Gilgamesh and Enkidu were feeling lazy, so they decided to have an adventure, because that's what you do when you feel lazy, rather than sit on your bed watching TV and eating gummy bears. They decided to go to a forest and kill a Demon Thing and cut down his Evil Trees. 

On the way to the Forest, Gilgamesh has a series of Weird Dreams. In the first dream, Enkidu is lying on a bed. Dude, Gilgamesh, I had a dream once that Buttercup from The Princess Bride was giving birth in a deep pit while Voldemort was trying to kill her with a massive tornado, don't tell me your friend lying in bed is weird. In the second dream, there was a Big Stone Giant like the ones in The Hobbit holding Gilgamesh in his fist. Enkidu told Gilgamesh that the dreams are good omens. 

Enkidu is weird. 

Finally, they got to the Forest. They cut down all the trees, but were attacked by the Demon. Enkidu stabbed him in the bum and Gilgamesh chopped him dead with his ax. Then they built doors to Uruk with one of the trees and built a raft with the rest of the trees and floated down the Euphrates River back to Uruk. 

When they get to Uruk, Enkidu got sick and dreamed about Dead People. Then he "fell silent" and Gilgamesh burned him. That's a bit of an overreaction. If people thought I was dead every time I "fell silent," they'd be burning me every five minutes, which would be unpleasant for me and very embarrassing for them. 

Me: Hey-son of a -what the-WHAT?!

Them: Wait, what? We thought you were dead! You weren't saying anything!

Anyway, after Enkidu died, Gilgamesh decided he didn't want to die, so he found out from an Old Man how to become immortal. First, he went to a mountain guarded by Massive Scorpions, which were completely useless because they just let him walk past without killing him or anything. Then Gilgamesh went through a tunnel which opened out onto a Nice Place. 

Gilgamesh tries to get through the Nice Place to the Waters of Death which he has to pass to get to his destination, but the Waters of Death are guarded by the Stone Giants he dreamed about. Gilgamesh ripped their heads off and proceeded. 

When he got to the Waters of Death, Gilgamesh met The Boatman who told him off for killing the Stone Giants, because the Stone Giants were the only creatures that could touch the water. Then the Boatman said that Gilgamesh had to make 1,000 oars because the oars would dissolve when they touched the water. The next morning, Gilgamesh was finished with the oars. That means, if the night was about 8 hours and he had 1,000 oars, 8 hours equals 480 minutes, that's at least 2 oars per minute, or 30 seconds for each oar. I wonder how long it takes to make an oar. Plus he had to cut down 300 trees first. If Pa Ingalls was alive, I'll bet he could beat that even though he wasn't 2/3 god. Or maybe he was. Which would make Laura Ingalls 1/3 goddess, unless Ma Ingalls was also part goddess. If Pa was 2/3 god, and Ma was 1/3 goddess, would that make Laura a complete goddess? No, actually she would have 1/3 from Pa and 1/6 from Ma, making a grand total of 1/2, so she'd only be 1/2 goddess. 

Where were we? 

Oh yes, Gilgamesh brought the 1,000 oars to the Boatman, and they crossed the Waters of Death to meet a man called The Ancient One who looks like Ang from Avatar (the TV show, not the blue alien movie). The Ancient One told Gilgamesh that he could be immortal only if he could stay awake for six days, so Gilgamesh fell asleep. When he woke up, The Ancient One told him he sucked, but if he really wanted to be immortal, he'd go to the bottom of the ocean and find a plant that would turn him immortal when Gilgamesh ate it. 

So, Gilgamesh went to the bottom of the ocean, found the plant, brought it back up, and fell asleep again, because he sucked. While he was asleep, a snake ate the plant, thus further proving that Gilgamesh sucked. Then Gilgamesh woke up and realized that plant was gone, and decided to go home because he sucked. 

When he got home, he made a rock out of lapis lazuli and carved onto it the story of how much he sucked. 

The End. 

A Message to People Who Hate "Let It Go"

A tune got stuck in a million heads

people started getting mean

a terrible war began

over Disney's favorite queen

Some nasty things were said of

Elsa's famous song

seemed that people did

not know right from wrong. 

It's just a song, it's no big deal, 

though I do know exactly how you feel

it's stuck inside your head I know,

but this gets old

Let it go, let it go, 

have a drink and then move on. 

Let it go, let it go, 

for the love of Mike, stay calm!

I don't care if it's stuck in your head

if you're that far gone, 

then go put in "Les Miserables" instead. 

It's funny how some people

make everyone feel small

when they bash our favorite movies

just over one darn song

It's time to put this thing aside,

look at yourself and then decide

are you a grump 

or do you really need to pee?

Let it go, let it go!

just ignore it, can't you try?

let it go, let it go, 

you've just made Idina cry!
if you think this song's overplayed,
just don't turn it on

Contrary to my words I'm really not that mad,

it just annoys me that this raging has become a fad. 

And all these comments of abuse get old real fast.

If I hear just one more, I'll shove it up your....bum. 

Let it go! Let it go!

Constant griping has made me yawn

let it go, let it go, 

Just want it to be gone
You don't like it, but still I say
let the song play onnnnn!
The tune never bothered me anyway

:) 

The Hobbit 2: A Sum-Up (Procrastinating) Part 2

Now that I have introduced to you the characters of our story, which has already been done in the first movie, we will move on to the actual story itself.

Once Upon A Time, Peter Jackson had a cameo of himself in the rain eating a carrot in Bree, an obvious allusion to the cameo of Peter Jackson in the rain eating a carrot in Bree in the film The Fellowship of the Ring. 

After Peter Jackson and his carrot ceased to be interesting, we saw Thorin walking through Bree to The Prancing Pony. He sat at a table and ate some unidentifiable food. It was either bread and cheese, or meat and fruit, or vice versa.

A few minutes later, Thorin was joined by Gandalf who introduced himself, told him that Orcs were out to get his head, and that he should go and recover his homeland with his Dwarf Friends.

Twelve months later, Bilbo told the Dwarves that Orcs were coming, and that there was a Big Bear Thing nearby. Gandalf said that they should go to the Big Bear Thing's house, so they did. Inside the house were three bowls of porridge. They tried the biggest bowl, and it was much too hot. They tried the middle-sized bowl, and it was much too cold. They tried the smallest bowl, and it was just right, so they ate it all up. Then they decided to sit down and have a smoke. In the living room were three chairs. They tried the biggest chair, and it was too hard. They tried the middle-sized chair, and it was too soft. They tried the smallest chair, and it broke. So, in the end, they all decided to go to bed. In the bedroom, there were three beds. Unfortunately, no one ever remembers what was wrong with the beds, and when they do, everyone remembers something different, so for the moment we will assume that everyone slept on the floor. This is, of course, a less comfortable arrangement, but you must remember that our heroes have been sleeping on the ground for quite some time, so they are used to it by now.

The next morning, the Big Bear Thing came home. Only he wasn't a Big Bear Thing today. As Gandalf had explained on the previous evening, he was a sort of Were-bear, and his name was Beorn (see cast of characters). Beorn griped about how much his life sucked, gave them breakfast and ponies, and told them to make like a tree, so that's what they did.

Soon, they came to a forest called Mirkwood, where Gandalf ditched them because he saw a red mark on a statue and thusly had to go to some tombs to investigate some old dead folks. The Dwarves let the ponies go and went into Mirkwood. The forest was an unpleasant place and they got lost and went temporarily insane until they were attacked by spiders. Bilbo put on his ring and saved them all until the Dwarves were kidnapped by slightly psychotic Elves led by Legolas and Tauriel.

Legolas and Tauriel locked the Dwarves up, but brought Thorin to be questioned by Thranduil (see cast of characters). Thranduil tried to negotiate with Thorin, but Thorin threw a piss-fit and was accordingly locked up with the rest of the Dwarves.

Holy hostages! The horrors our heroes have endured! Will Thorin continue to sulk in stubbornness? Will Thruanduil hang up his hubris and let our friends go? And what of Bilbo? Is his Magic Ring enough to help him conjure up a daring escape for the dwarves? Tune in next time: Same Bat-Time, same Bat-channel! The worst is yet to come!

Poem #13: Grandfather's Storybook

Grandfather has a storybook

with many ancient tales

of kings and queens and sorcerers 

and ships with tattered sails.

He reads to Bernadette and I 

with fire in his eyes

and as he reads he is transformed

beneath the starry skies. 

One night he is a handsome prince, 

one night, a fearsome beast, 

a dragon set to kill my sister

for his autumn feast.

And so I drew my mighty sword 

and clove his head in twain

while Bernadette clung to my flowing 

cloak and called my name. 

Then from the gruesome beast's remains

sprang a familiar form
just like a phoenix dead, and
 from the ashes then reborn

"Grandfather!" we two cried and ran
to meet his warm embrace.
He laughed his deep and fruity laugh,
a smile lit his face.

But then he said, "Be off with you!
Inside, and then to bed.
For if you don't, your mother
with her ax will take my head."

But while we crept inside the house,
I turned for one last look,
he lit his pipe with dragon fire
then closed the Storybook

Batman and The Joker Have A Battle Of Wits Using Movie Quotes

Batman: Why do you want to kill me?

Joker: HEE HEE HEE! I don't want to kill you! I'm going to talk to you....and then you're going to kill yourself! There's a good bottle and a bad bottle. You take the good bottle, you live, you take the bad bottle, you die. All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both take our pills from the bottles, and find out who is right, and who is dead.

Batman: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own bottle or his enemy's?

Joker: You are my enemy, but it turns out that you are also your own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So you are actually my friend. But, since you are your own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So actually, you are my enemy. But-

Batman: Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm!

Joker: Fine. I will just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.

Batman: I don’t have FRIENDS.

Joker: No. Wonder why.

The Hobbit 2: A Sum-Up (Because I Can't Sleep) Part 1

Hello!

I haven't been here for a while, because I've been very busy doing things which are none of your business so don't ask.

Actually it's just school and stuff, it's not a big deal, there's just been a lot of it. And you can ask about it if you want, I just felt like being rude, because it's fun.

Anyway, I can't sleep, so I'm going to summarize for you

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

in case you haven't seen it. I'm pretty sure some people disliked the first one enough to not see the second one, so I'm going to foist a summary of the second one on you.

I liked both movies, even though they didn't exactly follow the book. If you've seen Saving Mr. Banks, then you'll know that movies have been not following books since the 1960s, so I've learned to just accept it and not throw a piss fit, if you'll excuse the expression.

I ought to warn you that, in this summary, I will be using the phrase "bad-ass" quite a few times, because I can't think of a better adjective. I hope you are not offended, and if you are, I am sorry.

To start off, here is

THE CAST OF CHARACTERS

Major Characters

Bilbo Baggins is a Hobbit. I like him in the movies because he reminds me of me.
Gandalf the Grey is a bad-ass old man wizard. He can do magic.
Thorin Oakenshield is an equally bad-ass sword-wielding beardy leader dwarf. He has cool boots.
Balin is a sweet, wise, old Grandpa dwarf. He has a beard, but no mustache.
Dwalin is a pissy dwarf with tattoos.
Dori is an old nanny dwarf with a weird beard. He is very polite.
Nori is a nice dwarf with a head shaped like a star-fish.
Ori is a younger dwarf with a sling-shot. He also has a beard but no mustache.
Bifur is a bad-ass dwarf who has an ax sticking out of his head.
Bofur is a fun, nice dwarf with an awesome hat.
Bombur is a fat, quiet dwarf with an impossible hair-do.
Oin is a slightly deaf dwarf with a loopy mustache.
Gloin is a pissy beardy furry dwarf.
Fili is my favorite dwarf. He is very big-brotherly to Kili (see below).
Kili is the youngest dwarf. He is cheery and loaded with caffeine. More so in the first movie, because then he wasn't all boggled by orc poison. But I won't give it away.
Smaug is a pissy dragon with psychological issues. I might also add that he is the most epic thing the cinematic world has ever seen. Not just because he's big, but because he looks like a real dragon. Not that dragons are real. But if dragons were real, they would look like Smaug. I would buy one and name it Christopher Robin.

Minor Characters

Radagast the Brown is another old man wizard. He has a sled pulled by rabbits. What, I ask you, is cooler than having a sled pulled by rabbits? Nothing is cooler than having a sled pulled by rabbits. When I die and go to Heaven, I will have a sled pulled by rabbits.
Legolas is a bad-ass elf. He has blond hair and black eyebrows, which is illogical, but works for him nonetheless.
Tauriel is Legolas's bad-ass elf lady-friend.
Thranduil is Legolas's creepy elf dad with severe psychological issues.
Bard is a bad-ass man with a boat and a dead wife, so he's available. Not that I'm looking for a relationship, I have a very large personal space bubble that's a lot like the rain forest, and if you mess with it, there will be a lot of protesting and eventually the ecosystem in the rain forest will die, so I'm happy being single, thanks very much. I would just like to call attention to the fact that Bard is both handsome and available, although he's probably preoccupied with the dragon. So we'll leave him alone for the moment.
Azog is a distant cousin of Lord Voldemort. He is a white orc who wants to cut off Thorin's head because one time Thorin cut off Azog's arm. Maybe Azog will try to stick Thorin's head where his arm used to be and use it as a replacement arm. Except for that wouldn't work, because heads don't have fingers and they're much shorter than arms. But don't ask me to fathom the way an orc's mind works.
Bolg is Azog's son, although they don't say that in the movie. His head is stapled together so that it doesn't fall apart.
Beorn is a were-bear. He's like a werewolf, except for he changes into a bear instead of a wolf, and he does it whenever he wants to instead of just at the full moon.

I think that's everybody, and I'm going to sleep now.

Good night!