Hello!
I haven't been here for a while, because I've been very busy doing things which are none of your business so don't ask.
Actually it's just school and stuff, it's not a big deal, there's just been a lot of it. And you can ask about it if you want, I just felt like being rude, because it's fun.
Anyway, I can't sleep, so I'm going to summarize for you
THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG
in case you haven't seen it. I'm pretty sure some people disliked the first one enough to not see the second one, so I'm going to foist a summary of the second one on you.
I liked both movies, even though they didn't exactly follow the book. If you've seen Saving Mr. Banks, then you'll know that movies have been not following books since the 1960s, so I've learned to just accept it and not throw a piss fit, if you'll excuse the expression.
I ought to warn you that, in this summary, I will be using the phrase "bad-ass" quite a few times, because I can't think of a better adjective. I hope you are not offended, and if you are, I am sorry.
To start off, here is
THE CAST OF CHARACTERS
Major Characters
Bilbo Baggins is a Hobbit. I like him in the movies because he reminds me of me.
Gandalf the Grey is a bad-ass old man wizard. He can do magic.
Thorin Oakenshield is an equally bad-ass sword-wielding beardy leader dwarf. He has cool boots.
Balin is a sweet, wise, old Grandpa dwarf. He has a beard, but no mustache.
Dwalin is a pissy dwarf with tattoos.
Dori is an old nanny dwarf with a weird beard. He is very polite.
Nori is a nice dwarf with a head shaped like a star-fish.
Ori is a younger dwarf with a sling-shot. He also has a beard but no mustache.
Bifur is a bad-ass dwarf who has an ax sticking out of his head.
Bofur is a fun, nice dwarf with an awesome hat.
Bombur is a fat, quiet dwarf with an impossible hair-do.
Oin is a slightly deaf dwarf with a loopy mustache.
Gloin is a pissy beardy furry dwarf.
Fili is my favorite dwarf. He is very big-brotherly to Kili (see below).
Kili is the youngest dwarf. He is cheery and loaded with caffeine. More so in the first movie, because then he wasn't all boggled by orc poison. But I won't give it away.
Smaug is a pissy dragon with psychological issues. I might also add that he is the most epic thing the cinematic world has ever seen. Not just because he's big, but because he looks like a real dragon. Not that dragons are real. But if dragons were real, they would look like Smaug. I would buy one and name it Christopher Robin.
Minor Characters
Radagast the Brown is another old man wizard. He has a sled pulled by rabbits. What, I ask you, is cooler than having a sled pulled by rabbits? Nothing is cooler than having a sled pulled by rabbits. When I die and go to Heaven, I will have a sled pulled by rabbits.
Legolas is a bad-ass elf. He has blond hair and black eyebrows, which is illogical, but works for him nonetheless.
Tauriel is Legolas's bad-ass elf lady-friend.
Thranduil is Legolas's creepy elf dad with severe psychological issues.
Bard is a bad-ass man with a boat and a dead wife, so he's available. Not that I'm looking for a relationship, I have a very large personal space bubble that's a lot like the rain forest, and if you mess with it, there will be a lot of protesting and eventually the ecosystem in the rain forest will die, so I'm happy being single, thanks very much. I would just like to call attention to the fact that Bard is both handsome and available, although he's probably preoccupied with the dragon. So we'll leave him alone for the moment.
Azog is a distant cousin of Lord Voldemort. He is a white orc who wants to cut off Thorin's head because one time Thorin cut off Azog's arm. Maybe Azog will try to stick Thorin's head where his arm used to be and use it as a replacement arm. Except for that wouldn't work, because heads don't have fingers and they're much shorter than arms. But don't ask me to fathom the way an orc's mind works.
Bolg is Azog's son, although they don't say that in the movie. His head is stapled together so that it doesn't fall apart.
Beorn is a were-bear. He's like a werewolf, except for he changes into a bear instead of a wolf, and he does it whenever he wants to instead of just at the full moon.
I think that's everybody, and I'm going to sleep now.
Good night!
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