This is how the story went:
The Epic of Gilgamesh
Once upon a time, there was a man named Gilgamesh who was 1/3 human and 2/3 god. How his parents managed that, I don't know. I suppose gods can control the amount of DNA they put into their offspring. In any case, that's the way he was. It gave him super-human strength and he liked it.
Gilgamesh was the ruler of a city called Uruk, and his people were the Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings. Ignore that. Gilgamesh was the ruler of a city called Uruk, and he built a wall around it to protect his people from Large People With Pointed Sticks. However, he oppressed his people which made them feel like they were being oppressed.
And so the people of Uruk prayed to the Sky God for help, so the Sky God sent them a Wild Man named Enkidu to eat their sheep and steal their food. In the Sky God's defense, he possibly forgot to tell Enkidu which creatures in Uruk was the oppressive one that needed disposing of, so Enkidu probably decided to do away with all of them, starting with the sheep, until he finally killed the right one.
After Enkidu had killed most of the sheep, the people went to Gilgamesh and complained. Understandably, they decided not to go to the Sky God for help again. Gilgamesh decided to send a Bikini-Clad Harlot to seduce Enkidu so that he would stop eating the sheep, which was gross, but it worked.
However, when the Bikini Harlot and Enkidu came back to the palace, Gilgamesh and Enkidu had a fight and Gilgamesh beat Enkidu to a pulp, and they became best friends.
Whatever.
A few years later, Gilgamesh and Enkidu were feeling lazy, so they decided to have an adventure, because that's what you do when you feel lazy, rather than sit on your bed watching TV and eating gummy bears. They decided to go to a forest and kill a Demon Thing and cut down his Evil Trees.
On the way to the Forest, Gilgamesh has a series of Weird Dreams. In the first dream, Enkidu is lying on a bed. Dude, Gilgamesh, I had a dream once that Buttercup from The Princess Bride was giving birth in a deep pit while Voldemort was trying to kill her with a massive tornado, don't tell me your friend lying in bed is weird. In the second dream, there was a Big Stone Giant like the ones in The Hobbit holding Gilgamesh in his fist. Enkidu told Gilgamesh that the dreams are good omens.
Enkidu is weird.
Finally, they got to the Forest. They cut down all the trees, but were attacked by the Demon. Enkidu stabbed him in the bum and Gilgamesh chopped him dead with his ax. Then they built doors to Uruk with one of the trees and built a raft with the rest of the trees and floated down the Euphrates River back to Uruk.
When they get to Uruk, Enkidu got sick and dreamed about Dead People. Then he "fell silent" and Gilgamesh burned him. That's a bit of an overreaction. If people thought I was dead every time I "fell silent," they'd be burning me every five minutes, which would be unpleasant for me and very embarrassing for them.
Me: Hey-son of a -what the-WHAT?!
Them: Wait, what? We thought you were dead! You weren't saying anything!
Anyway, after Enkidu died, Gilgamesh decided he didn't want to die, so he found out from an Old Man how to become immortal. First, he went to a mountain guarded by Massive Scorpions, which were completely useless because they just let him walk past without killing him or anything. Then Gilgamesh went through a tunnel which opened out onto a Nice Place.
Gilgamesh tries to get through the Nice Place to the Waters of Death which he has to pass to get to his destination, but the Waters of Death are guarded by the Stone Giants he dreamed about. Gilgamesh ripped their heads off and proceeded.
When he got to the Waters of Death, Gilgamesh met The Boatman who told him off for killing the Stone Giants, because the Stone Giants were the only creatures that could touch the water. Then the Boatman said that Gilgamesh had to make 1,000 oars because the oars would dissolve when they touched the water. The next morning, Gilgamesh was finished with the oars. That means, if the night was about 8 hours and he had 1,000 oars, 8 hours equals 480 minutes, that's at least 2 oars per minute, or 30 seconds for each oar. I wonder how long it takes to make an oar. Plus he had to cut down 300 trees first. If Pa Ingalls was alive, I'll bet he could beat that even though he wasn't 2/3 god. Or maybe he was. Which would make Laura Ingalls 1/3 goddess, unless Ma Ingalls was also part goddess. If Pa was 2/3 god, and Ma was 1/3 goddess, would that make Laura a complete goddess? No, actually she would have 1/3 from Pa and 1/6 from Ma, making a grand total of 1/2, so she'd only be 1/2 goddess.
Where were we?
Oh yes, Gilgamesh brought the 1,000 oars to the Boatman, and they crossed the Waters of Death to meet a man called The Ancient One who looks like Ang from Avatar (the TV show, not the blue alien movie). The Ancient One told Gilgamesh that he could be immortal only if he could stay awake for six days, so Gilgamesh fell asleep. When he woke up, The Ancient One told him he sucked, but if he really wanted to be immortal, he'd go to the bottom of the ocean and find a plant that would turn him immortal when Gilgamesh ate it.
So, Gilgamesh went to the bottom of the ocean, found the plant, brought it back up, and fell asleep again, because he sucked. While he was asleep, a snake ate the plant, thus further proving that Gilgamesh sucked. Then Gilgamesh woke up and realized that plant was gone, and decided to go home because he sucked.
When he got home, he made a rock out of lapis lazuli and carved onto it the story of how much he sucked.
The End.
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