Now that I have introduced to you the characters of our story, which has already been done in the first movie, we will move on to the actual story itself.
Once Upon A Time, Peter Jackson had a cameo of himself in the rain eating a carrot in Bree, an obvious allusion to the cameo of Peter Jackson in the rain eating a carrot in Bree in the film The Fellowship of the Ring.
After Peter Jackson and his carrot ceased to be interesting, we saw Thorin walking through Bree to The Prancing Pony. He sat at a table and ate some unidentifiable food. It was either bread and cheese, or meat and fruit, or vice versa.
A few minutes later, Thorin was joined by Gandalf who introduced himself, told him that Orcs were out to get his head, and that he should go and recover his homeland with his Dwarf Friends.
Twelve months later, Bilbo told the Dwarves that Orcs were coming, and that there was a Big Bear Thing nearby. Gandalf said that they should go to the Big Bear Thing's house, so they did. Inside the house were three bowls of porridge. They tried the biggest bowl, and it was much too hot. They tried the middle-sized bowl, and it was much too cold. They tried the smallest bowl, and it was just right, so they ate it all up. Then they decided to sit down and have a smoke. In the living room were three chairs. They tried the biggest chair, and it was too hard. They tried the middle-sized chair, and it was too soft. They tried the smallest chair, and it broke. So, in the end, they all decided to go to bed. In the bedroom, there were three beds. Unfortunately, no one ever remembers what was wrong with the beds, and when they do, everyone remembers something different, so for the moment we will assume that everyone slept on the floor. This is, of course, a less comfortable arrangement, but you must remember that our heroes have been sleeping on the ground for quite some time, so they are used to it by now.
The next morning, the Big Bear Thing came home. Only he wasn't a Big Bear Thing today. As Gandalf had explained on the previous evening, he was a sort of Were-bear, and his name was Beorn (see cast of characters). Beorn griped about how much his life sucked, gave them breakfast and ponies, and told them to make like a tree, so that's what they did.
Soon, they came to a forest called Mirkwood, where Gandalf ditched them because he saw a red mark on a statue and thusly had to go to some tombs to investigate some old dead folks. The Dwarves let the ponies go and went into Mirkwood. The forest was an unpleasant place and they got lost and went temporarily insane until they were attacked by spiders. Bilbo put on his ring and saved them all until the Dwarves were kidnapped by slightly psychotic Elves led by Legolas and Tauriel.
Legolas and Tauriel locked the Dwarves up, but brought Thorin to be questioned by Thranduil (see cast of characters). Thranduil tried to negotiate with Thorin, but Thorin threw a piss-fit and was accordingly locked up with the rest of the Dwarves.
Holy hostages! The horrors our heroes have endured! Will Thorin continue to sulk in stubbornness? Will Thruanduil hang up his hubris and let our friends go? And what of Bilbo? Is his Magic Ring enough to help him conjure up a daring escape for the dwarves? Tune in next time: Same Bat-Time, same Bat-channel! The worst is yet to come!
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