Grimm's Fairy Tales Sum-Up #1: The Frog King

What ho!

A couple years ago, I got myself a colossal book of Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales from Barnes and Noble, just for the heck of it. So far, I haven't read it much, so this summer I'm going to read one story every couple of days and do a quick sum-up of each one.

Here's the first one.

The Frog King by The Brothers Grimm

Once upon a time, there was a king with a lot of daughters who were all pretty, especially the youngest one, not to be confused with those other kings in those other stories who have a lot of daughters who are all pretty, especially the youngest ones.

Anyway, the youngest daughter had a golden ball that was her favorite toy, and one day she took it down to the woods and was playing with it next to a well. She isn't given a name, so I'm going to call her Tallulah. Tallulah was playing with her ball, and it fell in the well, so Tallulah threw a tantrum.

A frog who lived in the well heard her throwing a tantrum, so he came up and asked her what's all the noise about. Tallulah told the frog that she had dropped her ball in the well. The Frog asked her what she would give him if he went and brought her ball back up. Tallulah offered him her clothes and pearls and crown, but the Frog said, no, he doesn't look good in Princess Dresses, because they make him look fat, and he doesn't want her pearls or crown. So the Frog made Tallulah promise that if he got her ball, she would bring him back to the castle and share her food and bed and stuff with him. Tallulah promised, so the Frog went down the well, found the ball, and brought it back up. Then Tallulah forgot her promise, took the ball, and made like a tree because she was a brat.

The next day, Tallulah was having dinner with The King, and there was a Wet Knock at the door. This was a time before servants had been invented, so Tallulah went and opened the door. It was The Frog, so she slammed the door on his face and went back to eating dinner with The King. The King asked her who it was, and Tallulah explained about The Frog and the ball and the promise. The King told her to open the door, brat, so she opened it and let The Frog in. The Frog asked her to put him up on the table so he can eat her food, and she whined about this for a while until The King ordered her to do what The Frog wanted.

That night, Tallulah took The Frog to her room, and put him in a corner to sleep. But The Frog wanted to sleep in her bed, so she threw another tantrum, and then she chucked The Frog against her bedroom wall. Then, The Frog turned into a Prince, and told her that he loved her even though she had just chucked him against her bedroom wall, and that a Wicked Witch had turned him into a Frog and only Tallulah could undo the Enchantment.

A common misconception with this story is that The Frog turns into a Prince after Tallulah gives him a kiss, instead of chucking him at the wall. But in those days, Wicked Witches didn't have the technology to create enchantments so powerful that only True Love could break them, and could only use weaker spells that could be broken by chucking someone against a wall.

So, The Frog turned into a Prince, and said to Tallulah, "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm really a Prince, so marry me maybe." Tallulah said that that was a terrific idea, so the next day, the Prince's carriage came to the Palace to pick them up.

The Prince's servant, Henry, was the carriage driver. He's the only character in the story who actually has a name. Henry had been very sad when The Prince disappeared, so he wrapped a bunch of iron around his chest to stop his heart from exploding from grief. But on the way to The Prince's Kingdom, Henry's iron stuff started breaking because he didn't need them anymore, like Forrest Gump with his leg braces. The Prince thought that the carriage was breaking, but Henry said no, it's just the iron bands snapping.

The End

Elephants and Space Needles

Last night, I was babysitting and the kids were watching Babar on Netflix. If you're not familiar with Babar, Babar is a Cartoon Elephant King who lives in a universe that consists of about 500 elephants, about 10 rhinos, and one Old Lady. I think what happened is that humans started going extinct, so the Old Lady is the last human on Earth, and elephants and rhinos started evolving in their intelligence and took over the world. That, or people thought they found a cure for cancer and tested it on elephants, and it made the elephants a billion times more intelligent, so they thought they'd try it on humans, except for it killed off all the humans except for the Old Lady who's immune to the serum's adverse effects, so it's a bit like Planet of the Apes only with elephants. AWESOME.

When I got home, Thomas and Isaac were playing Halo. Maisie was watching.

Maisie: What're all those things sticking out of your gun?

Thomas: Those are needles. 

Maisie: No they're not. Those are big thick pointy things; needles are skinnier. You can't sew with those. 

Isaac: That's what aliens use to sew. 

Maisie: Oh. So they just stuck a bunch in the guns?

Thomas: Yeah. 

a bit later, Maisie went to bed and Isaac stopped playing and we just watched Thomas build some kind of floating tunnel with a bunch of pipes that went around in a circle.

Me: That's the most pointless structure I've ever seen.

Isaac: Your face is the most pointless structure I've ever seen.

Thomas: OHHHHHHHHHHH!

I Spy

Thomas and I had an Epic I Spy Battle last night. I don't remember exactly how it went, but here's the general dialogue.

Thomas: I spy with my little eye....America.

Me: What? you mean a map of America?

Thomas: No.

Me: Is it the word "America" written on something?

Thomas: No.

Me: Ok ummmmmm I don't get it.

Thomas: Ok I'll give you a hint. It's a thing that an American guy has in his possession.

Me:.......Ok. Is the guy famous?

Thomas: Yes.

Me: Is he still alive?

Thomas: Yes. He's been alive for a long period of time.

Me: Ok, so is he really old?

Thomas: No, he's just been alive for a long period of time. At first he was normal, then he was alive for a long period of time.

Me: What?!

Thomas: He's technically old, but then he's technically young. I mean he's old, but he looks young.

Me: Is it Benjamin Button?

Thomas: Ha ha no.

Me: Is it Edward Cullen?

Thomas: No. Wait what made you think it was him?

Me: Cause Edward Cullen is like over 100 but he looks 17 ish.

Thomas: Yeah! That's what I mean.

Me: Ok...so there's a guy who looks young but he's old, and he has a thing...I don't get what this has to do with America.

Thomas: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Me: Does he sort of represent America?

Thomas: Not really, it's just when you see him you think "AMERICA!"

Me: Is it Uncle Sam?

Thomas: No.

Me: Is it the "I WANT YOU" guy?

Thomas: That is Uncle Sam.

Me: Oh yeah. Is it one of the presidents?

Thomas: No.

Me: Ok. Is he real?

Thomas: No.

Me: Ok...So it's a guy who looks young but is really old, and he's American, and he's not real, and he's got a thing that's American. Do we have the same thing?

Thomas: Yeah. But it's not really his thing. It's like say he owns this book, and we own the book, but it's not his book, it's just one of the books.

Me:...Ok.....So there's lots of the things?

Thomas: Not really...sort of, there's not a lot of the one we have, but there's lots of them.

Me: ....Ok. I don't get it. Are you looking at it right now?

Thomas: Yeah.

Me: (turn around) Ok...OH is it Captain America's shield?

Thomas: Yeah!

It was the Captain America shield my Dad made for Anthony a few years ago. I sort of wanted to punch Thomas on the nose after that.

Not About The Supreme Court's Recent Decision

Helloo,

I am saying nothing about the recent Supreme Court Ruling or DOMA. I don't even know what DOMA stands for. Unless it stands for "Donuts Of Massive Amazingness" I don't want to know.

Weirdly last night I had a dream about what's happened with all that. Maybe I'm a Vessel Of Knowledge From The Future or something like that, and my dreams predict the future. If that's true, then eventually I'm going to fall into the Oyster Kingdom and Frodo is going to stop at the mall on the way to Mordor and Voldemort is going to make a Ginormous Twister to try and kill Buttercup and Westley from The Princess Bride while Buttercup gives birth to their baby.

Completely Useless Revelations About Random Actors + Batman Riddles

Here's an interesting bit of useless information.

In the BBC show Sherlock, Benedict Cumberbatch plays Sherlock, and in Star Trek: Into Darkness, he plays Kahn, who is a Kahn man. HA HA!

So

Sherlock + Kahn = Shere Khan (ish)

Also, before we find out his name's Kahn, his first name is John, which is the name of John Watson who co-stars in Sherlock.

And

John Watson is played by Martin Freeman, and in Cabin Pressure, Benedict Cumberbatch plays Martin.

And

Martin Freeman plays JOHN Watson, and Bilbo. Bilbo is a character from The Hobbit. The Hobbit was written by JOHN R.R. Tolkien.

And

Martin Freeman plays Tim in the British version of The Office. British Tim is equivalent to American Jim in the American version of The Office. Jim is played by JOHN Krasinski.

And

I saw Star Trek this evening, which has Benedict Cumberbatch/Sherlock/Kahn/Shere Khan/John in it, and the lady who sold me my ticket looked a bit like Molly from Sherlock.

And

In the new Sherlock Holmes telly show called Elementary, apparently the name of the actor playing Sherlock is JONNY Lee Miller.

And

In Elementary, because for some reason they decided to make Dr. Watson a lady, her name is now JOAN Watson. JOAN Watson is a character in Elementary, which is about Sherlock Holmes. Benedict Cumberbatch is an actor in Sherlock, which is also about Sherlock Holmes. Benedict Cumberbatch is also in Cabin Pressure. Stephanie Cole is also in Cabin Pressure. Stephanie Cole is also in Doc Martin and she plays Auntie JOAN.

And

Doc MARTIN's name is MARTIN, just like MARTIN Freeman, who is in Sherlock and plays JOHN, which stars Benedict Cumberbatch, who is also in Cabin Pressure playing MARTIN. Cabin Pressure also stars JOHN Finnemore.

This is way too much fun.

And

Benedict Cumberbatch also plays William Pitt in Amazing Grace, which is about Getting Rid Of The Slave Trade. This was in a way a step towards getting the slaves FREE. Benedict Cumberbatch co-stars with Martin FREEman in Sherlock.

And

Amazing Grace stars Ioan Gruffudd, which is An Excellently Weird Name.

I feel like Batman and Robin solving one of The Riddler's riddles. They get the most obscure answer possible for every riddle.

Like for instance here's the Best One Ever. I don't remember it word for word, but here's the general idea:

Robin: Gosh I wish I could figure out that riddle.

Batman: Hmmm. Maybe if we combine the answers to each of the previous four riddles, it'll give us the answer.

Robin: Hmmmm.

Batman: If we take the first letter from each answer to the four riddles and match it with its corresponding number based on its position in the alphabet...

Robin: That's 36.

Batman: What does the number 36 mean to you, Robin?

Robin: Well, 36 inches equals three feet.

Batman: And who has three feet?

Robin: Hmm, no one.

Batman: OR...no MAN. Isn't there a new factory downtown called "The Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory"?

Robin: Yes! You're right Batman! That must be where the Riddler's new headquarters is!

Batman: Precisely, Robin!

It's way better if you can actually watch them go through this thought process, but you get the idea.

Oh, here's another good one:

Batman (reading the riddle): "What kind of company sells eggs that you can't fry, poach, or scramble?"

Robin (thinks for a millisecond): A FISH egg company!

Batman: Precisely, Robin!

haha. Ok last one:

Batman (reading the riddle): "When is the time on the clock like the whistle of a train?"

Robin (thinks for a millisecond): When it's two to two! TWOO TWOO TWOO!!

And that, folks, is why Adam West can kick Christian Bale's Bat-but all the way up that mountain he had to climb up in the beginning of Batman Begins.

Good night!

anthonys jokes

hi this is anthony heres a joke

what did the mom gun say to the dad gun?

we're going to have a bee-bee!

On Trust Issues

Have you ever had one of those bizarre conversations where it starts out as one thing, and then ends on a completely different topic? Like for instance, on Friday  I was talking to my cousins about Harry Potter, and then fifteen minutes later we were talking about Bunny Rabbits With Heart Failure. I don't remember how it happened, but there you are.

The same thing happens in my brain when I'm just talking to myself. I was at the library the other day and decided to get the The Jungle Book book because I want to read it again because it's colossal.That got me thinking about the Disney Jungle Book movie, and that got me thinking about Disney Movies In General, and that got me thinking about Aladdin. Then I thought about the bit when Aladdin's being chased by the Cops or whatever you call them there, and he has to jump out the window with Jasmine, so he holds his hand out to her and says "Do you trust me?"

I always thought that was an idiotic question. It presupposes that the next thing he's going to do is something that requires trust, which is usually something dangerous or unsanitary or otherwise uncomfortable. And if Jasmine's answer is "NO," then would he just leave her there to rot or would he force her to come with him anyway? Anyway, she wouldn't want to say "NO" because he's handsome and dapper and suave and all that rot, and she doesn't want to tick him off. I suppose she could say "I don't know, let me think about it," but there's no time for that, so the only workable answer is "yes," and then she's being dropped unceremoniously out of a window.

I'm always a fan of gentlemanliness, but I don't suppose it works in situations like that. When you're a man being chased by a bunch of Psychotic Fat People Wielding Dangerous Swords, there isn't much sense in making sure your lady friend is comfortable with you and your Plan of Escape. The best thing you can do, I suppose, is just grab her up and say something like, "So sorry about this, Darling, I'm going to have to chuck you out the window, but it'll be all right because there's a pile of rubbish to cushion the fall, so don't worry about a thing." It's like if you're getting a heart transplant, and the surgeon's about to give you the anesthesia and he says "Do you trust me? Only I'm about to cut open your chest, remove a vital muscle, and replace it with a dead person's vital muscle, and then sew you back together. It might not work, but hopefully it will. So, do you trust me? Cause if you're uncomfortable with me doing this, I can always just not do it and you can just die if you want." That puts you in an awkward position, because if you don't trust him, you can either say "yes" in order to spare his feelings and end up dying, or you can say "no" and die anyway. Even if you did trust him, then you probably won't trust him anymore after he asks you if you trust him, because he's supposed to be a Medical Professional and he's asking your opinion as a layman whether or not you think he's qualified to perform the surgery. I get the sentiment, but overall, darn rubbish thing to say.

The Woman in Black

I know it's absurdly late to be awake, but I don't care. Actually I do, I'm just not doing anything about it at the moment.

Thomas and Isaac and I just finished watching the movie The Woman in Black, which was probably a stupid idea because we started it so late, but in our defense nobody has school tomorrow. Hooray! If you're not familiar with the movie The Woman in Black, here's a general outline. SPOILER ALERT.

If you're thinking The Woman in Black is a remake of The Princess Bride with all the male and female characters switched up, I'll have to crush your dreams because it isn't. It's a horror movie starring Harry Potter and some other People Whose Names I Don't Know.

It starts out with three girls having a tea party with their dolls. There's some creepy music, then the girls go in a sort of trance and zombie walk towards the window, and jump out.

Then there's Harry Potter whose name in this movie is Arthur which is funny because that's Arthur Weasley's name in Harry Potter. It's also funny because one of the main actors from Cabin Pressure is in The Woman in Black, and one of the main characters in Cabin Pressure's name is Arthur, so through the whole movie Thomas and I kept saying "Brilliant!" and "Yellow car!" and stuff like that, but that's beside the point.

I forgot what the point was.

Oh right so Harry Potter is a lawyer with a little son and a dead wife, which is sad. He has lawyer business to do in a remote town somewhere in The Middle Of Nowhere, where he has to sort out the will of a dead lady who died. So he says goodbye to his son, and makes like a tree.

Harry arrives at the town, stays the night in a creepy attic, then goes to the Dead Lady's House which she for some reason decided to have built in the middle of a Ginormous Swamp. He goes through some of the Dead Lady's old papers to figure out her will and what-not, and finds out that her son drownded in the swamp and his body was never found. Then he looks out of the window and keeps seeing a Creepy Black-Robed Figure.

Harry goes back to town, and after he gets there, a little girl dies which is sad. All the townspeople blame him because he's been to The House. Except for one man named Sam who doesn't believe in all that rot about ghosts and stuff. Sam invites Harry to his house for dinner with his Lunatic Wife. Harry finds out that their son also died several years ago. Sam's Lunatic Wife thinks that she can channel communications with their son, and in the middle of dinner scratches a picture of a Lady Hanging Herself on the table. Sam tells her to knock it off, so she does.

The next day, Harry goes back to The House, and tells Sam he's going to stay there all night to get the paperwork done, because Roz is watching him. Ignore that. Anyway, Sam leaves and Harry goes into The House to get his work done.

He goes through some more old papers and finds out that the Dead Lady's Dead Son is actually not her son, but her Dead Sister Jannet's Dead Son. Jannet was apparently not mentally fit to take care of a son, so the Dead Lady got to take him, and Jannet was very PO'd. After Dead Son drowned in the swamp, Jannet blamed the Dead Lady, and hanged herself. Unless she hung herself. I'm not sure which one she did, but the point is she's Dead and Angry. Harry keeps seeing her face popping up in windows and mirrors and stuff and it's creepy. At one point, he looks out a window and a smeary hand print pops up, so he puts his hand on it. Here, Thomas says "ACCESS DENIED." Hah!

 Then he hears weird noises, and grabs an ax and starts walking down the hall towards the Room With The Weird Noises. It takes him about ten years to walk down the hall, and when he was almost there I was about ready to wet my pants, and then Thomas said "If this is some kind of practical joke it's NOT FUNNY! And I know funny! I'm a clown-fish!"

Hah! we got two Pixar references in with a horror movie. Brilliant!

Anyway, Harry goes into the Weird Room and finds out that the noise is a rocking chair rocking by itself. Then he has a sort of vision of Jannet hanging herself and gets the heck out of that room. Then he goes downstairs cause he hears somebody trying to get in the front door. He opens the front door, and sees a bunch of Creepy Dead Kids. Then he sees Jannet all in black and shuts the door. But then he sees that there's a ton of muddy footprints on the floor going up the stairs and into the Weird Room. So he follows them, because he's an idiot.

I forget all what happens, but basically Weird Creepy Stuff happens through the whole night, and Harry doesn't get any paperwork done. Sam comes to pick him up in the morning, and they go back into town. One of the houses is on fire, and another girl dies, which is sad, and everybody in town blames Harry because he's been to The House.

Harry goes to talk with Sam's Lunatic Wife, who sort of gets possessed by all the Dead Kids at once and says that Jannet made them die. Then she grabs a rock and starts scribbling something on another bit of rock. Then Sam comes and tells her to knock it off. Harry looks at the rock scribbles. What the filmmakers intended was that the scribbles look like a train running over Harry and his son, but Thomas pointed out that what it actually looked like was the word "toot" messily written, and Harry with a puff cloud coming out from behind him, and Harry's son laughing at him. So we had to rewind this part a couple of times and pause it at the scribbles because it was hi-freaking-larious.

Harry concludes that Jannet is going to have him and his son run over by a train. So, in a disgusting attempt to make her happy, he makes Sam help him dig her son's body out of the swamp in the middle of the night, clean it off, wrap it up in a sheet, and lay it on the bed in the Weird Room. Then Harry decides it would be fun to turn on every single one of the Dead Son's Creepy Wind-Up Music Animal Toys, which he does. Then Jannet shows up and says "Hello, Arthur. I want to play a game." Ignore that. Jannet shows up and screams her head off, then charges at her son's body like she wants to re-kill him, then disappears. I think around this point, Isaac fell asleep. I don't know how, so don't ask.

Harry now thinks that it's all over, and Jannet's happy. So he and Sam take the Dead Son's Body down to Jannet's grave, and bung him in the coffin to be with his Psycho Mum. Then. they go back to town.

At this point, Harry's son and nanny (not Harry's nanny, the son's nanny) have arrived at the town, because they were going to meet there, and since Harry now thinks that he's made Jannet happy, he starts chatting with Sam and doesn't notice when his son steps onto the train track. Then Harry looks over and sees Jannet, then he sees his son, then he sees a train coming, so he jumps onto the tracks and gets hit by the train and dies.

Then, he looks up holding onto his son, and sees his Dead Wife also standing on the tracks. He goes up to her and they all make like a jolly tree together. So it's cool, because Jannet killed them, but she didn't win. Hooray!

The End

TARDIS Nose

Something weird happened to me today. 

I worked in my aunt's backyard for most of the day, clearing bamboo leaves out from under and around the bamboo, and it was fun, but it was also a bit dusty and I got completely caked in dirt. When I got home, I decided to blow my nose because I felt like it. After blowing said nose, I looked in the kleenex because you do that, or at least I do, even though it's gross, and besides the usual contents of one's nose there was about a truckload of dirt plus a few trees and boulders. I wasn't surprised that they were there, because I'd been working with dirt and trees and boulders all day, but I'd have thought that I'dve noticed it before then. I think my nose is like the TARDIS cause it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, so I can fit loads of stuff in there without noticing it much. That would be pretty cool, actually. I wouldn't have to carry my books or viola around, I could just stuff them in my nose and they'd fit no problem. Plus if my nose was like the TARDIS, it could automatically translate different languages for me in my brain. And I could use it to travel through Time and Space. 

Changing the subject, why is it called "kleenex?" It sounds like something that gets rid of Clean instead of promotes Clean. Like "windex" sounds like gas-ex instead of window-cleaner stuff. And the word "repeat" sounds like you peat something, then you peat it again, thusly repeating it. But whatever I'm going to sleep. Good night!

Weird Dreams: The Oyster Kingdom

Hey, I just realized I've never talked about any of my weird dreams! I've had a ton of weird dreams. I can't throw a brick without hitting a weird dream.

Anyway, here's one of my favorites.

I was walking on the beach, sort of wading out into the water, and the ground suddenly opened up.I fell through the ginormous crack and found myself in The Oyster Kingdom. It looked a bit like the Bat-Cave, only wetter and was filled with "oysters." Except for they weren't really oysters, in the dream I was thinking that they looked more like mermaids, but what they really looked like was humans.

Anyway, the Oyster Princess was being held captive by her father, the Oyster King. So I rescued her and brought her back up to my folks' house. We went into my bedroom and I locked the door, because the Oyster King was trying to catch us, but then I realized that my bedroom floor was full of holes and that the Oyster King could easily fit through any of them thus catching up with us and rekidnapping the Oyster Princess. So, I quickly grabbed a bunch of boards and some nails and a hammer from the Boards, Nails, and Hammer Drawer in my bedroom, and nailed some of the boards over the holes in the floor, thus saving the day.

The End.

Best Conversation Ever Had By Humans

Ok, I know I've been talking about Cabin Pressure a lot, but I thought this was too funny not to share.

So in this one episode, for reasons I'm not going to say because it's complicated and I'm lazy, the flight attendant and the co-pilot have a few hours to kill at a bar in an empty airport, so they get some pineapple juice.

Gerry (airport manager): May I freshen your juices, gentlemen?

Douglas (co-pilot): Oh, why not. Let's live a little.

Arthur (flight attendant): This is great!

Douglas: Good vintage is it?

Arthur: No, I mean this, you know, two guys sitting at a bar, couple of drinks, box of those black paper napkins that always look so cool, like we're in a film. I feel like I should have a hat.

Douglas: God knows you *have* a hat.

Arthur: No, I mean the ones with the dent in them they used to wear in black and white times. Gerry, could you polish a glass?

Gerry: Oh, have I given you a dirty one?

Arthur: No, I just think it would look good. And Douglas, we should be saying things like "Hey...you guy....the dames, eh?" "Yeah, the dames...stupid dames..." "You had any luck with the horses?" "No the horses are all...idiots." "You know, between the dames and the horses sometimes I don't even know why I put my hat on." That's how they talk in bars isn't it?

Douglas: No, Arthur, that's not how ANYONE talks ANYWHERE.

HA HA

No copyright infringement whatchamacallit intended

The Return of the King: The Musical

Previously on Lord of the Rings: The Musical: Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Merry and Pippin are now reunited and Saruman is defeated. Frodo and Sam continue to follow Smeagol through the Secret Way To Mordor. Smeagol has a Diabolical Scheme to get Frodo and Sam killed. 

*Note: In the book, Frodo doesn't kick Sam out and tell him to go home. They just get separated in the confusing tunnels in Shelob's lair, then Frodo gets attacked by Shelob and Sam catches up to him and beats the living heck out of Shelob because he's Awesome. 

Act 1: Shelob's Lair ("I Wanna Be Like You" from "The Jungle Book")

(Shelob)

♫ Now I'm the Queen of Arachnids
Oooh
In Mordor, VIS [Very Important Spider]
I'm big and black
I want a snack
And that's why you're in a mess. 
I wanna eat you up, Frodo
And top it off with Sam
And give Smeagol the leftovers
I really don't give a damn [sorry. it just rhymes]
Oh, 
Shoo bee doo! (Whoop dee doody)
I wanna eat up youuuu
(Whup de doody doody)
I wanna chop up you
Whop up you
Toooooo
(Whee boo dee boo)
You see it's truuuuue
(Shooby dee doo)
Someone like mee
(Whup de doody doody)
Can learn to eat Hobbits too

♫

Smeagol: Gee, cousin Shelob! You're doin real good!
Shelob: Now here's your part of the deal, cuz. I'll eat Frodo, and you take the Ring. 
Frodo: But I don't want Smeagol to have the Ring!

♫ Now don't try to get free, Frodo
I'll make a meal of you
I'll suck your blood
your name is Mud
Cause I'm gonna gobble you
So, try to hold still now, Frodo
Come on, I'll wrap you  up in goo
I think I'll bake
A Hobbit Steak
And put you in the Stew. 

(enter Sam wielding Sting and attacks Shelob)
Hey!
♫ Da hop bon lonay 
haboo deeboo daboo dop hom loan
aaaaanibidizet shoo daba
hoop doo 
day do daba shop do day, do dow, do dop bop lobby

(Shelob fights back) 
Haboo doo dee!

(Sam)
With a beep boop lada

(Shelob)
Hebon oben noin!

(Sam)
With a la la seemee

(Shelob)
wonelabob, sinalabop,
do bee da doody
hoo! hoo! hoo! hoo!
a ha! ha! ha! 
gettin aaaaugh aaaugh

(Sam) 
Gettin MAD baby!

(Shelob)
wonalada wonala

(Sam) 
Do seepoo daboo daboo da

(Shelob)
Doo bi doot
Doo bi doot

(Sam)
too seepa do daah daaa bi daa

Woo hoo hoo!
I'm gonna conquer youuu!
I'm gonna slice up you
dice up you
toooo
weeboodeeboo
you see it's truuue!
Someone like meee
Can learn to be
dangerous to thee!

(Shelob)
Take me home, Daddy!

(Sam)
Gettin' learned to be
dangerous to thee! 

One more stab!
Yeah!

(Shelob)
Gettin learned to be
dangerous to meee
do sheebo dap hoop daady hootin da n da n da n da n da......maaaaan. 

(Non-Musical Part: Shelob gets the heck away from Sam. Sam thinks Frodo's dead, so he takes the RIng. Orcs come and take Frodo to the tower. Sam sneakily follows. Meanwhile, Pippin finds Saruman's Plantir, and Gandalf takes it. Then Pippin steals it back and looks at it and Gandalf gets Pissed). 

Act 2: The Plantir ("Beautifyl Briny Sea" from "Bedknobs and Broomsticks")

(Gandalf)

♫ You moron! 
Fool of a Took
Fool of a Took
why oh why oh why did you have to take a look?

But, perchance, we got a better peak
Of the plans of our enemy
Let's go
Minas Tirith needs to know
He plans
Tooooo crush them to a jam

Come on you
Fool of a Took
Fool of a Took
Get on my horse and we'll go and take  a look

What if the Bad Guys
Have already arrived
To the City of White?
That would be such a bad thing

Fool of a Took, 
You're such a schnook
But come with me and we'll
Check on the White City. ♫

(Non-musical part: Gandalf and Pippin leave for Minas Tiirth. They meet Denethor. Denethor is a jerk. Gandalf has Pippin light the beacons so that Theoden will come and help. Theoden comes with the Rohirrim and helps. Eowyn and Merry sneak along so they can fight too.)

Act 3: The Battle of the Pellanor Fields ("Jolly Holiday" from "Mary Poppins")

(Eowyn)

♫ Oh, it's a bloody battlefield with Merry
Merry kills the Orcs from spite
Though he seems so short and ordinary
Merry's putting up a fight. 

Oh, deadliness is bloomin all around us
The Oliphaunts are crushing all the men. 
But, Merry's stabbed the Wraith,
It feels so great
I am no man, so I can bash his face. 

It's a jolly victory with Merry!
No wonder that it's Merry that we love!

Oh, it's a jolly victory with Merry
Gentlemen like him are few

Merry: A vanishing breed, that's me.

(Eowyn)
Though he's just a Hobbit from the Shire,
Merry's such a macho dude

Merry: Common knowledge.

(Eowyn)

He'd never think of pressing his advantage
Forbearance is the whole mark of his creed

Merry: True.

(Eowyn)

A lady needn't fear
When Merry's near
His sweet gentility is crystal clear,

oh, it's a jolly victory with Merry 
No wonder that it's Merry that we love! ♫

(Non-Musical part: Gondor and Rohan win. Denethor commits suicide. Meanwhile, Sam rescues Frodo, and they start up Mount Doom) 


Act 4: Mount Doom ("Climb Every Mountain" from "The Sound of Music")

♫ Climb every Mount Doom
Search high and low
For the door to lava
Cause the Ring must go

Climb every Mount Doom
Destroy the Ring
Murder every Bad Guy
Chop them up with Sting. 

The thing that you'll need
Is the will tooo live
And a piggyback ride
Which Sam will now give

Climb every Mount Doom
Destroy the Ring
Murder every Bad Guy
Chop them up with Sting♫

(Non-Musical Part: Aragorn has the Brilliant Idea of leading all the troops to Mordor to create a Diversion so that Frodo and Sam can get to Mount Doom, so they do that. Frodo and Sam get up Mount Doom and are attacked by Smeagol. Frodo decides not to destroy the Ring and puts it on. Smeagol bites off his finger and takes the Ring. Frodo pushes him into the lava. The Mountain explodes and all the Bad Guys die. The Eagles come and rescue Frodo and Sam, and the Fellowship is reunited. Hooray!)

Act 5: Aragorn's Coronation ("Perfect World" from "The Emperor's New Groove")

(Aragorn)

♫ Oh yeah. 
There were despots and dictators, 
political manipulators
There were stewards with the courage of a rat
Sauron was a petty tyrant
who was so lacking in refinement
He'd be better suited being beat up with a bat. 

I was born and raised to rule
no one has ever been this cool
In a thousand years of aristocracy
An enigma and a mystery
in Middle-Earthean history
the quintessence of perfection, that is me!

I'm the sovereign lord of the nation
I'm the hippest dude in creation!
I'm the Alpha, the Omega, A to Z
And this perfect Middle-Earth
Will now be always filled with mirth
Cause this perfect world begins and ends with
Me!
What's my name?
Aragooooorn
Aragoooorn
That's my name!
Aragooorn
I'm the king of the world!
Aragoooorn
Yeah! 
Hah!
Boom, baby! ♫

(Non-Musical Part: Aragorn marries Arwen, Faramir marries Eowyn. The Hobbits go back home. The Scourging of the Shire happens even though that's not in the movie. The Hobbits sort it all out and get things back to normal. Sam marries Rosie. Frodo is depressed. Frodo, Bilbo, Sam, Merry and Pippin go to the harbor to see off Bilbo, Gandalf, Elrond, Galadriel, and Celeborn before they go to the Grey Havens. Frodo tells Sam, Merry and Pippin that he's going too, and it's Sad). 

Act 6: The Grey Havens ("Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from "The Wizard of Oz")

(Frodo)

♫ Somewhere across the water
'cross the Sea
There's a land that I've heard of
That's where I'd like to be. 

Somewhere across the water
skies are blue
and this pain in my shoulder
will finally be subdued. 

Some days I wish upon a star
that non of this had ever happened to me
I thought that Orcs and Saruman
would never bother me again
But I'm still poorly. 

Somewhere across the water
Elves dwell there
Elves live across the water
Where everything is fair. ♫

(Non-Musical part: Frodo leaves, everybody cries because it's sad, and then carry on with life as usual.) 

THE END

How To Defeat Superman (Still Unresolved)

I think I've said before that I've got three brothers, but I'll say it again.

I have three brothers. Thomas is 15, Isaac is 13, and Anthony is 10. Thomas is a bit nerdy like me, Isaac is a non-nerdy smooth dude, and Anthony is a colossal nerd, and proud of it, and I'm proud of him too. This evening, they had an Epic Argument regarding How To Defeat Superman.

Anthony: Who d'you think would win in a fight to the death: Superman or Thor?

Thomas: Nobody'd win. That'd be like a never-ending battle.

Me: Isn't Thor immortal cause he's a god?

Isaac: Superman's immortal too, cause in the cartoons they'd be shooting at him and the bullets just bounce off.

Me: Yeah, but that's cause he's the Man Of Steel and all that, but he can still die.

Anthony: Yeah. Superman's only weaknesses are Kryptonite and Magic.

Thomas: Magic? Superman lives in the real world, so there isn't any magic.

Anthony: Yeah! Superman's weaknesses are KRYPTONITE and MAGIC!

Isaac: There's no MAGIC!

Anthony: Uhuh! lego.com says that Superman's weaknesses are Kryptonite and Magic!

Isaac: OH MY GOSH.

Thomas: There isn't any magic, it's just Kryptonite.

Anthony: Lego.com does not lie.

At this point, I lost thread of the conversation because I was snort-laughing like a total loon, but apparently the conversation turned towards Wolverine and Juggernauts, and Anthony got frustrated and a sort of Civil War broke out. Anyway, later I came into my parent's room and Anthony was complaining to my dad about how Thomas and Isaac said that the Juggernauts aren't powerful enough and that in a battle between Thor and Superman, neither of them would win, and it'd go on forever. At this point, my mom left the room to go brush her teeth in a Cunning Escape from Listening To Anthony Talk About Juggernauts. About halfway through the conversation, my dad sent Anthony to get my kid sister Maisie to say Bedtime Prayers in another Cunning Escape from Listening To Anthony Talk About Juggernauts.

Talking Nerd with Anthony is a bit like watching one of those long movies that you sort of want to turn off, but don't because you want to see what happens next. For the past few weeks, he's been doing detective work into why Bowser kidnapped Princess Peach and interrogating everybody on their opinions. It's highly entertaining, but he has the lung capacity of a something I was going to say something clever but can't think of anything. Anyway, he is capable of talking about one thing for about a week without stopping to eat or use the WC. But it's all good fun.

Anthony's the biggest Superhero-Nerd out of the six of us. The way I see it, there are four different kinds of nerds: Superhero-Nerds, Fantasy-Nerds, Science-Fiction-Nerds, and Gamer-Nerds. Thomas is more of a Gamer-Nerd, Isaac will deny any affiliation of his with any Nerd-like Phenomenon, and Anthony is more of a Superhero-Nerd. Mary's just a bit of a Fantasy-Nerd and a Science-Fiction Nerd, but she's also more of a Classical-Literature-Nerd, which means she's smart and knows stuff about real things, so that classifies her as more of a Geek than a Nerd, which is Awesome for her. Maisie's not really any kind of Nerd, she's just Cute and Funny which is just as good. I'm mostly a Fantasy-Nerd, but I've been working on my Science-Fiction Nerdness by watching more Doctor Who and Star Trek, because it's Awesome.

Please don't think I'm using the word "nerd" in the negative sense. Being nerdly is one of the things we can all do together as a family. I know of a few families who are all singers or something like that. But come Advent, when my family tries to sing "O Come O Come, Emmanuel" together before dinner, we sound like the Von Crap Family Singers, so we had to find something else.

On a completely unrelated note, have you ever suddenly noticed that you're doing something weird? I just realized I'm trying to cram stuff in my bellybutton.

Anyway, must be going. Good night!

The King and I's Excellent Adventures

This morning, my ma turned on the TV and "Fiddler on the Roof" was on, so we watched a bit of it with my brother Anthony and my kid sister Maisie. They enjoyed it, so I suggested we watch "The King And I" sometime in the near future. Maisie and I went to the movie part of the library to get it. When we got back, the following conversation took place:

Thomas: What'd you get?

Maisie: "The Wizard of Oz" and "Bill and I"

Me: you mean, "The King and I."

Apparently every time I've said "The King" it sounds like "Bill." I don't know why. But she keeps saying "Bill and I" cause she says it sounded like that's what I've been saying. I suppose she might be right and  I'm just getting confused with the movie "The King and I's Excellent Adventures."

How the heck dyou word that sentence?

The King and My Excellent Adventures

The King's and My Excellent Adventures

The King's and Mine Excellent Adventures

The Excellent Adventures of the King and I

Pish.

I was trying to say a sentence like that once when my big sister Mary and I were trying to convince the brothers that it was our turn on the TV.

Me: It's mine and Mary's turn-It's my and Mary's turn-It's Mary and I's turn-It's the turn of Mary and me!

Anthony: "It is the turn of Mary and I." That is our language.

Thomas is trying to re-write the English Alphabet so that it makes more sense, so maybe he can fix Grammar while he's at it, then we'll all be happy and there's jam for tea.

The Ring

I have a theory.

You know the part in Snow White when she's singing in the well and it echos back? I think that was Samara Morgan's well from The Ring and Samara was just singing back to Snow White to mess with her.

If you're not familiar with The Ring, lemme splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum-up.

Samara Morgan is a psychotic killer ghost girl who was killed by her mum and chucked into a well. There's a video with random images from Samara's life, and the last image is the well. If you watch the video, the phone rings, and you hear Samara's voice saying "SEVEN DAYS' and then seven days later, you die and your face looks like this:

Before you die, your TV starts fuzzing, and then the image of the well comes up on the screen. Then Samara climbs out of the well, zombie-walks to the front of the screen, then comes through the screen and looks at you like this:

Then you die.

And that, children, is why it's bad for you to watch too much TV.

Good night!

The Two Towers: The Musical

Previously on "The Lord of the Rings: The Musical"

The Fellowship had a Rest Stop during which Boromir tried to take the Ring from Frodo. Frodo ran away, and decided to go to Mordor alone. Sam went with him. Then the Remaining Fellowship is attacked by Orcs. The Orcs kill Boromir and capture Merry and Pippin. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas decide to pursue the Orcs.

Act 1: Pursuing the Orcs ("The Age of Not Believing" from "Bed-knobs and Broomsticks" This one is dedicated to my brother Thomas, Mary you know what I'm talking about)

(Legolas and Gimli)

♫ When you run around
in hopeless circles
searching everywhere
for captive friends
you're at the age of seeking Hobbits
It seems it never never ends...

You must face the age 
of seeking Hobbits
Hoping Eomer 
has some good news
Alas! he says the Orcs were slaughtered
And that no Hobbit came to view...

Act 2: The Taming of Smeagol ("Matchmaker, Matchmaker" from "The Fiddler on the Roof")

(Smeagol)

♫ Hobbitses, Hobbitses, 
be nice to us
We'll be nice too
Promise, no fuss. 
Hobbitses, Hobbitses, take of the rope, 
We'll be nice, be nice to us.

Hobbitses, Hobbitses, 
we'll show the way
up up the stairs
Past the Black Gate
We'll show the way through the tunnel and more
we swears on the Precious. 

(Sam)
♫ Dear Frodo, 
I do not trust him-

(Frodo) 
♫ I know, Sam. 
But we don't have a choice. 
We're lost and
I've got a feeling
That he will not kill us 
Relax, rejoice! 

(Smeagol)
♫ Hobbitses, Hobbitses,
thank you so much!
Nice Hobbitses,
Friendly and such
Hobbitses, Hobbitses
Follow us now, 
We will not hurt you, 
That we vow! ♫

(Non-Musical part: Merry and Pippin escape before Eomer and the Rohirrim come and destroy the Orcs)

Act 3: Treebeard ("Hakuna Matata" from "The Lion King")

(Treebeard)

♫ Don't be hasty
what a wonderful phrase!
Don't be hasty
ain't no passin' craze.

It means no hurries
for the rest of your days
it's my problem-free
philosophy
don't be hasty ♫

Merry: Don't be hasty?
Treebeard: Yep. It's my motto. 
Pippin: What's a motto?
Treebeard: Nothin! What's a motto with you? HA HA HA HA HA! Ya know guys? These three words will solve allll your problems. Take me, for example. Why, 

♫ when I was a young Treebeard ♫

(Pippin)
♫ When you were a young Treebeeeeeeeard!!!♫

Merry: Very nice. 
Pippin: Thanks!

(Treebeard) 
♫ The Entwives got lost and I was so very sad
I could find almost nothing that would make me glad.
I'm a sensitive soul, though I seem thick-skinned. 
And it hurt
So that I went beserk 
Chagrinnned!

And woe was me! 

(Merry) 
♫ Oh yes, woe was he! ♫

(Treebeard)
♫ Thought I'd make like a tree!♫

(Pippin) 
♫ I thought you were a tree?♫

(Treebeard)
♫ And I got down-hearted!

(Merry)
♫ how did you feel?♫

(Treebeard)
♫ Every time that I-

Merry: Treebeard! not in front of the kids!
Treebeard: Oh, sorry. 

(Treebeard, Merry and Pippin)
♫ Don't be hasty,
what a wonderful phrase
Don't be hasty,
Ain't no passin craze!

It means no hurries
for the rest of our days
It's our problem-free
philosophy!
Don't be hasty!♫

(Non-Musical Part: Frodo, Sam and Smeagol meet Faramir)

Act IV: Faramir Tries To Decide What To Do ("Reflection" from "Mulan")

(Faramir)
♫ Look at me,
I will never pass for a perfect son
or a perfect Captain, 
can it be
I'm not meant to play this part? 
Now I see
That if I decided to take the Ring, 
It would please my father's heart.

Who is that man I see?
Staring straight 
back at me? 
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
I think that I'll decide
they can go 
I don't mind. 
I will let the Hobbits go, 
tell my Dad, "I trieed." 
I will let the Hobbits go,
tell my Dad, "I tried."♫

(Non-musical part: Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas find out Gandalf's alive, and that Merry and Pippin are safe)


Act V: Gandalf the White ("You Can Fly" from "Peter Pan")

Aragorn: But, Gandalf,you're not Grey anymore!

Gandalf: I'm White,of course!

Legolas: Why?

Gandalf: I'll tell you! I'm White because...because...be...cause...

Gimli: What's the matter? Don't you know?

Gandalf: Oh, sure. It's just I've never thought about it before...Hey, that's it! It's because now I'm the Boss. 

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli: Saruman isn't now the Boss?

Gandalf: uhuh. 

Aragorn: So you've got more power now? You can make fire? Set things aglow?

Gandalf: Yep! Watch me now: here I go!

Legolas: He is White!

Gimli: He is White! 

Aragorn: He is White!

Gandalf: Ok! off to Rohan!

♫ When there's a smile in your heart
There's no better time to start!
Frodo will destroy the Ring, 
We will go and free the king
of Rohan from the Bad Guys!

I am White! 
I am White!
I am White! 
I am White!
I am White! ♫

(Non-musical Part: Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli go to Rohan, free Theoden from Saruman, and get rid of Wormtongue. Frodo and Sam continue following Smeagol, but Smeagol has a plan to kill them. Entmoot. The People of Rohan go to Helms Deep and prepare for battle against the Orcs)

Act VI: The Battle of Helms Deep ("Getting to Know You" from "The King and I")

(Good Guys addressing the Orcs)
♫ Getting to kill you
Getting to kill and destroy you
Getting to maim you
Getting to hope you don't maim me

Getting to kill you
Killing you my way
But nicely
You aren't precisely
My cup of tea.

Getting to kill you
So we can live free and easy
When I can kill you
Letting you know that you'll pay

Haven't you noticed?
Suddenly I'm mad and angry!
Because of all 
the
Jeopardy and Doom
that 
were
Caused only by you
Day
by 
Day. ♫

Non-Musical Part: Rohan wins. 

The End