The Woman in Black

I know it's absurdly late to be awake, but I don't care. Actually I do, I'm just not doing anything about it at the moment.

Thomas and Isaac and I just finished watching the movie The Woman in Black, which was probably a stupid idea because we started it so late, but in our defense nobody has school tomorrow. Hooray! If you're not familiar with the movie The Woman in Black, here's a general outline. SPOILER ALERT.

If you're thinking The Woman in Black is a remake of The Princess Bride with all the male and female characters switched up, I'll have to crush your dreams because it isn't. It's a horror movie starring Harry Potter and some other People Whose Names I Don't Know.

It starts out with three girls having a tea party with their dolls. There's some creepy music, then the girls go in a sort of trance and zombie walk towards the window, and jump out.

Then there's Harry Potter whose name in this movie is Arthur which is funny because that's Arthur Weasley's name in Harry Potter. It's also funny because one of the main actors from Cabin Pressure is in The Woman in Black, and one of the main characters in Cabin Pressure's name is Arthur, so through the whole movie Thomas and I kept saying "Brilliant!" and "Yellow car!" and stuff like that, but that's beside the point.

I forgot what the point was.

Oh right so Harry Potter is a lawyer with a little son and a dead wife, which is sad. He has lawyer business to do in a remote town somewhere in The Middle Of Nowhere, where he has to sort out the will of a dead lady who died. So he says goodbye to his son, and makes like a tree.

Harry arrives at the town, stays the night in a creepy attic, then goes to the Dead Lady's House which she for some reason decided to have built in the middle of a Ginormous Swamp. He goes through some of the Dead Lady's old papers to figure out her will and what-not, and finds out that her son drownded in the swamp and his body was never found. Then he looks out of the window and keeps seeing a Creepy Black-Robed Figure.

Harry goes back to town, and after he gets there, a little girl dies which is sad. All the townspeople blame him because he's been to The House. Except for one man named Sam who doesn't believe in all that rot about ghosts and stuff. Sam invites Harry to his house for dinner with his Lunatic Wife. Harry finds out that their son also died several years ago. Sam's Lunatic Wife thinks that she can channel communications with their son, and in the middle of dinner scratches a picture of a Lady Hanging Herself on the table. Sam tells her to knock it off, so she does.

The next day, Harry goes back to The House, and tells Sam he's going to stay there all night to get the paperwork done, because Roz is watching him. Ignore that. Anyway, Sam leaves and Harry goes into The House to get his work done.

He goes through some more old papers and finds out that the Dead Lady's Dead Son is actually not her son, but her Dead Sister Jannet's Dead Son. Jannet was apparently not mentally fit to take care of a son, so the Dead Lady got to take him, and Jannet was very PO'd. After Dead Son drowned in the swamp, Jannet blamed the Dead Lady, and hanged herself. Unless she hung herself. I'm not sure which one she did, but the point is she's Dead and Angry. Harry keeps seeing her face popping up in windows and mirrors and stuff and it's creepy. At one point, he looks out a window and a smeary hand print pops up, so he puts his hand on it. Here, Thomas says "ACCESS DENIED." Hah!

 Then he hears weird noises, and grabs an ax and starts walking down the hall towards the Room With The Weird Noises. It takes him about ten years to walk down the hall, and when he was almost there I was about ready to wet my pants, and then Thomas said "If this is some kind of practical joke it's NOT FUNNY! And I know funny! I'm a clown-fish!"

Hah! we got two Pixar references in with a horror movie. Brilliant!

Anyway, Harry goes into the Weird Room and finds out that the noise is a rocking chair rocking by itself. Then he has a sort of vision of Jannet hanging herself and gets the heck out of that room. Then he goes downstairs cause he hears somebody trying to get in the front door. He opens the front door, and sees a bunch of Creepy Dead Kids. Then he sees Jannet all in black and shuts the door. But then he sees that there's a ton of muddy footprints on the floor going up the stairs and into the Weird Room. So he follows them, because he's an idiot.

I forget all what happens, but basically Weird Creepy Stuff happens through the whole night, and Harry doesn't get any paperwork done. Sam comes to pick him up in the morning, and they go back into town. One of the houses is on fire, and another girl dies, which is sad, and everybody in town blames Harry because he's been to The House.

Harry goes to talk with Sam's Lunatic Wife, who sort of gets possessed by all the Dead Kids at once and says that Jannet made them die. Then she grabs a rock and starts scribbling something on another bit of rock. Then Sam comes and tells her to knock it off. Harry looks at the rock scribbles. What the filmmakers intended was that the scribbles look like a train running over Harry and his son, but Thomas pointed out that what it actually looked like was the word "toot" messily written, and Harry with a puff cloud coming out from behind him, and Harry's son laughing at him. So we had to rewind this part a couple of times and pause it at the scribbles because it was hi-freaking-larious.

Harry concludes that Jannet is going to have him and his son run over by a train. So, in a disgusting attempt to make her happy, he makes Sam help him dig her son's body out of the swamp in the middle of the night, clean it off, wrap it up in a sheet, and lay it on the bed in the Weird Room. Then Harry decides it would be fun to turn on every single one of the Dead Son's Creepy Wind-Up Music Animal Toys, which he does. Then Jannet shows up and says "Hello, Arthur. I want to play a game." Ignore that. Jannet shows up and screams her head off, then charges at her son's body like she wants to re-kill him, then disappears. I think around this point, Isaac fell asleep. I don't know how, so don't ask.

Harry now thinks that it's all over, and Jannet's happy. So he and Sam take the Dead Son's Body down to Jannet's grave, and bung him in the coffin to be with his Psycho Mum. Then. they go back to town.

At this point, Harry's son and nanny (not Harry's nanny, the son's nanny) have arrived at the town, because they were going to meet there, and since Harry now thinks that he's made Jannet happy, he starts chatting with Sam and doesn't notice when his son steps onto the train track. Then Harry looks over and sees Jannet, then he sees his son, then he sees a train coming, so he jumps onto the tracks and gets hit by the train and dies.

Then, he looks up holding onto his son, and sees his Dead Wife also standing on the tracks. He goes up to her and they all make like a jolly tree together. So it's cool, because Jannet killed them, but she didn't win. Hooray!

The End