The Twilight Zone

What ho!

It's very late. Midnight came right on schedule, as it always does, and for once I'm not tired, even though I've been tired for the last five or six years. But I need to sleep. So while I'm waiting for my Sleeping Stimulant to kick in, allow me to sum-up the last episode of The Twilight Zone radio I listened to.

The Twilight Zone: Little Girl Lost

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance; of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

Episode begins. There's a man whose name I disremember, so I'll call him Greg. His wife's name I also disremember, so I'll call her Phrieda. They have a little girl named Tina and an annoying dog named Mac.

I should tell you now, I'm a bit prejudiced against dogs, because they stink, they lick, they shed, and they poop. And I hate it when I go to a friend's house and ring the doorbell, and their dog starts yapping like it's the end of the world and then when the friend opens the door and the dog starts to stink, lick, shed, and poop on me. And it's even more annoying when the dog's person doesn't do anything about it, they just say "don't be afraid, he's just playing aaaaren't you Floofy poooooo awwww  swuch a sweeeeet booooooooy look at you slobbering all over Elizabeth aaaaw." Boo.

Anyway back to The Twilight Zone. There's a man who shall be called Greg, because I forget his name, and his wife who shall be called Phrieda, because I forget her name, their daughter Tina, and their dog Mac.

Tina has a new bedroom, which she doesn't want to sleep in for Reasons Hitherto Unknown. Greg and Phrieda tell her it's going to be all right, she'll be fine, and good night in the most revolting way possible. Then they put Mac outside. Then they go to bed.

A couple of minutes later, Phrieda remembers that she was going to get Tina a glass of water, because on TV (or in this case CD), kids going to bed always ask for a drink of water when they can't sleep, whereas in real life, they just get out of bed and go to their parent's room and say "I can't sleep" and then make the parents put them in bed at least 300 times. I know this because I did it to my parents, and so have all 5 of my siblings, and we still do.

But anyway, Phrieda goes to get Tina a drink of water. She comes into Tina's room with the water, but she can't find Tina. She can hear Tina saying "Moommyyy" and stuff like that, in an Echoy Voice, but she can't see her anywhere. So she calls for Greg, who comes in grumbling that he has to get out of bed, and he goes into Tina's room. Greg can't see Tina either. So they look all around the bed and under the bed and everywhere, and they can still hear her saying "Moommyy" in an Echoy Voice. Meanwhile Mac is barking like billy-o outside, so they let him in so that he doesn't wake the whole neighborhood up.

Greg and Phrieda are Weirded-out by Tina's Non-Visibilityness. Greg calls his Physicist Friend Whose Name I Also Disremember, so I'll call him Gangulfus. Gangulfus comes in, and Greg shows him to Tina's bedroom. Gangulfus is a scientist, so first he makes observations. Then he asks a question. Next, he forms a hypothesis. Then he tests his hypothesis using controls. Then he analyzes the results and records the data. Finally he draws conclusions. That's how scientists do everything, apparently, because I've had to learn that process in just about every science class I've ever ever taken.

Oh and I forgot to say that while they were waiting for Gangulfus to arrive, Tina fell asleep in wherever she was, which is weird, cause when I'm suddenly not there I don't fall asleep, but get scared and try to get there again. So she's not  crying anymore, but they can hear her breathing and stuff.

Gangulfus has Greg move Tina's bed, and mark the places where the bed legs were with books. Then Mac comes in and runs headfirst at the wall and goes WAAAAAA through it like the Shadow Khan in Jackie Chan Adventures. Then everybody freaks out. They call Mac. Mac barks Echoy Barks and at this point I think Tina woke up. They move closer to the wall where Mac went through oh shoot I forgot Mac went through before they moved the bed. Anyway Mac goes under the bed and disappears. Then they move the bed. Then they see Mac Not There, and then they freak out.

Gangulfus touches the wall, and his hand goes through it. So he concludes that this is a Portal to Another Dimension. Greg and Phrieda are confused, so instead of trying to get the little girl out of the Hitherto Unknown Dimension, Gangulfus spends ten minutes explaining to them what a dimension is, how there's length, width, height, and time, and how there could be more that we can't see because human eyes have blind spots, and meanwhile Tina's sitting in Who Knows Where tapping her wristwatch and wondering when the heck they're going to get her out of this Hitherto Unknown Dimension.

Phrieda goes slightly hysterical and says she's going in to save Tina. Gangulfus says no, that is a terrible idea, we don't know what it's like in there. Greg says go boil your head, Gangulfus, I'm going in. Phrieda suddenly has a change of mind and says no Greg, that is a terrible idea, we don't know what it's like in there. Greg goes halfway in with his legs sticking out of the bedroom wall, but he thinks he's all the way in because it's an Optical Illusion, or something like that. He calls Mac and tells him to find Tina. Mac Finds Tina. Greg tells Mac to bring Tina to him. Mac brings Tina to him. By the way, this whole process takes a very long time because the story isn't long enough to fill up forty five minutes of CD. Anyway Mac brings Tina to Greg. According to Gangulfus, Mac is better at navigating Hitherto Unknown Dimensions, because dogs have keener senses than humans, which explains why most of them can't tell a human from a Popsicle.

Greg comes out with Mac and Tina. Right after he comes out, the wall goes back to solid, so the Portal moved somewhere else. Gangulfus congratulates himself on his Superior Mental Capabilities and goes home. Phrieda and Greg let Tina sleep somewhere else, and tell Mac that he can sleep inside from now on. Everyone's happy and there's jam for tea, as Douglas Richardson would say. The End.

One of the annoying things about Twilight Zone dramatized for audio is that you can't see what's going on, so they have to say everything that they're doing. Here's an example.

Phrieda: What're you doing now?

Gangulfus: I'm very carefully touching the wall.

Greg: Oh my golly! Look at that! Your HAND just went THROUGH the WALL!

Gangulfus: Oh! did it? I'll try touching the wall again to see if it does it again.

Greg: Holy Shadow Kahn! Your hand went through the wall AGAIN!

This is where I throw up and wonder why the heck I'm doing this to myself. But sometimes I just laugh at how dumb it is. I usually enjoy The Twilight Zone, but I would recommend watching it on netflix instead of listening to the dramatized audio.

Ok I'm off to bed now. Good night!