Friday, January 24, 2014

The Princess Bride: Retold (Part 4)

Last time: Vizzinni and the Man In Black were about to have a Battle Of Wits To The Death For Princess Buttercup. Vizzinni was clever, but do not fear for the Man In Black, for he was a man who told "Your Mom's So Fat" Jokes to Death and then laughed at Death in the face.

Part 4

Vizzinni poured wine into two goblets. The Man In Black pulled out a Pixie Stick full of a poison called Iocane. Iocane, the Man In Black explained to Vizzinni, is odorless, tasteless, and deadly. All the more reason to put it in someone's drink, so that's what the Man In Black did. He did it behind his back so that Vizzinni couldn't see, and then put the goblets back on the rock in between himself and Vizzinni that had served as a table.

Vizzinni said: Oh, let me guess. Now you're going to kill me.
The Man In Black said: I'm not going to kill you, Vizzinni. I'm going to talk to you, and then you're going to kill yourself.

That was an Obscure Sherlock Reference, in case you're wondering.

The Man In Black explained to Vizzinni that he had to decide whether the poison was in the Man In Black's goblet or his own goblet. Then, they would both drink from their respective goblets, one of them would die  via Being Poisoned To Death, and the other would go on his jolly way with the Princess Buttercup.

Vizzinni decided that the poison was most likely in one goblet or the other goblet. Having made his decision, they both drank. Vizzinni laughed at what a moron the Man In Black was. After he died, the Man In Black scooped up Buttercup and made like a tree. Unbeknownst to him, Prince Humperdink was close behind. But the Man In Black was a man who made Doom eat his vegetables, so he was not so easily disturbed.

The Man In Black ran with Buttercup to the top of a large hill on the outskirts of the Fire Swamp. Buttercup was very much put out. She told the Man In Black that she believed him to be the Dread Pirate Roberts who had killed Westley. Then she pushed him down the hill.

She said: "I'll never go with you. You killed my boyfriend!"
The Man In Black, on his way down, said: "No, Buttercup. I am your boyfriend."

Buttercup was quite surprised. But she was a woman who ate True Love for dessert with an abundance of pink frosting, so she threw herself down the hill after Westley. She met him at the bottom where they shared a couple of pecks and called one another idiots. Then, Westley noticed Prince Humperdink on top of the hill, so they ran to their deaths in the Fire Swamp.

I'm getting tired, so I'm going to sum-up the rest quickly.

Westley and Buttercup went into the Fire Swamp where there was a disagreement with an ROUS, or Rodent Of Unusual Size. Buttercup did very little to help and was an overall moron while Westley was nearly chewed to bits.

When they exited the Fire Swamp, they met Prince Humperdink, Count Rugen, and all the king's horses and all the king's men. Buttercup decided to make herself useful by going with Prince Humperdink on the terms that Westley would not be sloshed on the head and taken to the Pit of Despair. After Humperdink rode away with Buttercup, Westley noticed that Count Rugen had six fingers on his right hand, and remembered Inigo's story, but before he could do anything interesting, he was sloshed on the head and taken to the Pit of Despair. But Westley was a man who used Despair as chip dip on Superbowl Sunday, so he was not in the least afraid.

Westley was chained onto a table in the Pit Of Despair where he was tortured and killed by Prince Humperdink and Count Rugen. However, Inigo and Fezzik had found each other and had decided to look for Count Rugen, because Fezzik had found out that Count Rugen was the man who had killed Inigo's father, so they decided to look for Count Rugen until they found Count Rugen so Inigo could kill Count Rugen and he and Fezzik would then go and have some manly fun. Inigo decided it would be a good idea to have help from the Man In Black, so they decided to go and look for the Man In Black until they found the Man In Black so that the Man In Black could go and help them find Count Rugen so that Inigo could go and kill Count Rugen and then all three of them could go and have manly fun.

Fezzik and Inigo found Westley in the Pit of Despair. He was dead, but, as you will remember, Westley was a man who played Go Fish with Death and won, so they decided to get a second opinion.

The second opinion was a man named Miracle Max, who diagnosed Westley as being only Mostly Dead. But Westley was a man who could look Mostly Death in the face and told it that it had a booger hanging out of its nose with little or no embarrassment, so all he needed to do to snap out of it was take a Miracle Pill.

Inigo and Fezzik gave Westley the Miracle Pill, and Westley came back to life, except for he couldn't move because the Miracle Pill needed time to have full effect. Together the three of them made their plans to steal back Buttercup and kill Count Rugen.

Tune in next time for the Grand Finale! Same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel!






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