The Princess Bride Retold By Yours Truly (Part 1)

Hello,

I'm taking a break from life, and I can't think of anything else to do, so here's

The Princess Bride

A Sum-Up

By Me

Once Upon a Time, there was a Beautiful Fair Maiden named Buttercup. Her name implies that she is overweight, but she isn't. At least in the movie she isn't. I don't remember her exact weight in the book. The point is that, thin or not, she was beautiful. But, although Buttercup was beautiful, she was rather a snooty airhead which, like her weight, had nothing to do with her beauty. She lived on a farm, which was looked after by a man named Westley, but because Buttercup was snooty, she called him "Farm Boy," and bossed him around just for the sheer heck of it.

Westley didn't mind being bossed around by Buttercup for the sheer heck of it, because Buttercup was beautiful, and one day he decided that she was so beautiful that he wanted to marry her. Buttercup decided that she wanted to marry him too, so Westley ditched her and went off to find money.

Meaning he went off to seek his fortune so that they could get married. That was a joke. Anyway, while Westley was away at sea, Buttercup got news that Westley had been murdered by the Dread Pirate Roberts, the Most Totally Evil Pirate Ever. So, she got very depressed and sat in her room for a very long time.

Five years later, Westley was still dead and Buttercup had been compelled by the Great Prince Humperdink to be his Great Princess Fiancee, which she was not at all happy about. To cheer herself up, she went for a ride on her horse into a forest where she was sure to be kidnapped by assassins.

After being kidnapped by assassins, Buttercup was put on a large boat and sailed away to The Middle Of The Ocean On The Way To The Country Of Guildor. The assassin's name was Vizzinni. He had been hired by Humperdink to kill Buttercup in Guildor and blame it on the Guildarians to start a war between Florin (Prince Humperdink's country) and Guildor. Humperdink would then win the war and claim lordship over Guildor, thus becoming the Prince of, not one, but TWO countries. Assisting Vizzinni were Fezzik the Giant and Inigo Montoya the Spaniard who were very good friends and not entirely bad.

When the ship reached The Middle Of The Ocean On The Way To The Country Of Guildor, Inigo spotted another ship following them. Buttercup saw her chance to escape, so she jumped overboard and tried to swim to the other ship, but was attacked by Screeching Eels which screamed in her face and frightened her poopless. Fortunately, they were close enough to the ship so that Fezzik was able to punch the Eel on the nose and lift Buttercup back onto the ship. However, Buttercup was still in the clutches of Vizzinni, which was Bad, because he was a Bad Guy who was going to kill her.

The next morning, the ship reached The Cliffs of Insanity with the As Yet Unknown Ship close behind. Fezzik was made to wear a sort of girdle so that the other three could hold onto him while he climbed the rope hanging down from the top of the Cliffs, and Buttercup was once again frightened poopless by the height of the cliffs. When they reached the halfway point, Inigo noticed that the As Yet Unknown Ship had also reached the cliffs, and that a Man In Black (not from the intergalactic intelligence agency that Will Smith works at, by the way) was now pursuing them via climbing up the rope. So, when our heroes reached the top, Vizzinni cut the rope in an attempt to send the Man In Black to his doom, but the Man In Black was a man who ate doom for breakfast and regurgitated it to feed his offspring, so instead of falling to his doom, he hung on to the Cliffs was not doomed after all, much to the dismay of Vizzinni. Vizzinni then decided that he and Fezzik would take Buttercup on ahead, while Inigo stayed behind and made sure that the Man In Black either fell off the Cliffs, or died by Inigo killing him in a duel.

Holy cliffhanger! Will the Man In Black indeed fall to his doom? Or will he face death in a duel with Inigo Montoya? Will he kill Inigo Montoya? And what will become of the fair Buttercup? Tune in next time for answers-same Bat-Time, same Bat-Channel! The Worst is yet to come!