My brother Thomas was playing Minecraft once, and he introduced me to the Pigmen. The existence of Pigmen, as I'll show you in a bit, opens up a whole vat of possibilities for Middle Earth, and here's why:
If you've seen The Hobbit 2, which was amazing, you'll know that Kili, one of the dwarves, gets hit in the leg with an poisoned orc arrow and gets completely boggled by orc-poison and almost dies and Tauriel has to save him by smearing athelas on his leg. And, if you're learned in Middle Earth herb-lore, you'll further know that athelas is a weed with Healing Properties that elves know how to use, but regular people don't, so they just feed it to the pigs.
Key-word being pigs, and here's why:
Bofur finds the athelas in a pig-pen hanging out of a pig's mouth. I don't know anything about this particular pig, but the point is that he was, in fact, a pig. Which means that this particular athelas was contaminated with pig-saliva before it was smeared all over Kili's open wound, which further means that the pig-saliva is now mixed with his dwarf-DNA. So, logically, Kili ought now to be a sort of dwarf-pig hybrid with Super Powers.
Unfortunately for my argument, this doesn't happen in The Hobbit. The only pig-person hybrid I've heard of in all of fiction is Minecraft's Pigmen. Which means that Minecraft is actually Middle Earth's Parallel Universe.
In this Parallel Universe, at the end of The Hobbit, Kili becomes a Pigman, SPOILER ALERT survives the Battle of Five Armies, gets married and has children who turn out to be Pigman like him. Problem solved.
Now I am going to rant about why the Hobbit movies are just as good as the Lord of the Rings movies, so you can just tune me out if you like.
For your convenience, I'm going to rant in list-form.
Complaint 1: It doesn't follow the book.
Response: Neither did The Lord of the Rings, and those were the best bloody movies of all time.
Evidence:
a. The movies skipped Crickhollow, skipped Tom Bombadil, replaced Glorfindel with Arwen, made Treebeard different, made Arwen almost die, etc. And they were still the best bloody movies of all time.
b. The Hobbit movies barely skipped anything and just did some things, like meeting Beorn and the barrel scene, differently. Most of the differences are things added which means more Middle Earth for me, so I'm not complaining.
Complaint 2: The CGI looks fake.
Response: I don't care.
Complaint 3: Tauriel wasn't in the book.
Response: She's Tolkien-esque enough for me, and she paraphrases Merry Brandybuck, which is brilliant.
Complaint 4: The thing between Kili and Tauriel was stupid.
Response: For reasons I've specified in a previous post, I don't care.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to appreciate that in the Woodland Realm dungeons, while most of the dwarves were fuming about the elves and being locked-up, Kili was thinking about his mum back at home.
AAUGH and that's just like Faramir's quote "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." GAH It's all connected!!! BRAIN BOMB!
And that's why I can't talk to people about Middle Earth.
Complaint 5: The action scenes were too over-the-top.
Response: I don't care. And anyway, it wasn't any more over-the-top that Avengers, or The Dark Knight and stuff like that.
I've said this before, but I'm saying it again because it's going around in my head and it's going to stay there unless I get it out.
Taste isn't about whether or not something is "good," it's about whether or not it makes you happy, which is why I don't like it when people go on about how stupid Twilight is. It makes a lot of people happy, so don't make them feel stupid for liking it. That's all I got to say about that, Elizabeth out.
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