Oblivion

WARNING SPOILER ALERTS

I just got back from seeing the movie Oblivion with Tom Cruise. By that I mean Tom Cruise was in the movie, I didn't go to the theater with him. But that's beside the point. Maybe it's just the fact that I've been sleep-deprived this whole week, and I've been studying too much for my Food Science midterm today, but I didn't understand the movie. At all.

Here's what I got out of it.

Tom Cruise lives on a space-ship with his red-headed Lady Friend whose name sounded different every time someone said it. But I think it was Becca, so I'll call her Becca. Tom Cruise and Becca live on a Space-Ship Thing a few years after a nuclear intergalactic battle which the humans won, but the earth got destroyed, so they all had to leave, and now it's Tom Cruise's job to fly to Earth on his space-man helicopter and fix the Droids that got broke. Becca stayed on the Space-Ship Thing and pushes buttons on an ipad table while talking to a creepy web-cam lady named Sally.

So he went down and fixed a Droid, then he fixed another Droid in an old blown-up library where he picks up a book and brings it back to a cabin next to a lake on this one part of Earth that didn't get destroyed. Then he goes back to the Space-Ship Thing and he and Becca swim in a Space Swimming Pool. I'd rather not think about that right now or ever.

Later, Tom Cruise goes back to Earth to putter around with more Droids, and he almost gets killed by some Shooting Things. Then he comes across an Exploded Space Ship with coffin-type things that had fallen out of it, and they have sleeping people inside. Tom Cruise recognizes one of the people as a lady that keeps popping up in his dreams. All the other sleeping coffin people get blown up by a Droid, but Tom Cruise saves the Dream Lady from the Droid and brings her back to the Space-Ship Thing. Then he and Becca open the coffin, and the Dream Lady sits up and throws up a lot, then faints.

Dream Lady's name is Julia. She eats dinner with Tom Cruise and Becca, and apparently she's been in Delta Sleep for 60 years. She says she needs to go back to the Exploded Space Ship to retrieve a Thing. Becca thinks she's an idiot, but Tom Cruise sneaks her down the next day. Tom Cruise keeps having flashbacks with Julia in it, and Julia says that she's his wife.

Oh I forgot to say, after the war, Becca and Tom Cruise had to have their memories wiped, so Tom Cruise doesn't remember Julia.

I also forgot to say, that all this time there's been creepy weirdos that look like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and breathe like Darth Vadar watching Tom Cruise with binoculars. Tom Cruise and Julia get kidnapped by the Black Knights. Tom Cruise gets knocked out and wakes up in a room chained to a chair in a room with a lot of people and Morgan Freeman, who is the Chief Black Knight who also smokes a ginormous cigar. Chief Black Knight unchains Morgan Freeman, and another Black Knight who looks a bit like Thor shoots Tom Cruise in the chest. Then they bring in Julia and are about to shoot her in the head, but an alarm goes off, so they forget about shooting her in the head and Tom Cruise forgets about being shot in the chest, and they go to investigate.

I forget what happens next.

Chief Black Knight decides to let Tom Cruise and Julia ride away on a motorcycle. Then they go back to the  Space-Ship Thing and Becca is pissed because she knows that Tom Cruise and Julia kissed after he found out she was his wife. So she tells Sally that he's a Bum Who Should Be Fired. Then a Ginormous Robot invades the Space-Ship Thing and supposedly kills Becca. That part wasn't quite clear. Then Julia shoots the Ginormous Robot and they escape on his Little Airplane Device.

Tom Cruise and Julia ride the Little Airplane Device and are chased by Droids who shoot at them and freak them out. Then they crash land in the desert and get out of the Airplane Device. Then, Tom Cruise goes to look around the desert, and sees another Tom Cruise. They point guns at each other and then they start fighting. If you've read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, you know that this is a very bad thing. Then Julia shows up and both Tom Cruises accidentally shoot her. Not to notice. They keep fighting, and eventually Tom Cruise 1 manages to subdue Tom Cruise 2 by half-strangling him with his legs until Tom Cruise 2's face was in an awkward place on Tom Cruise 1, and no I would not care to expand on that.

Tom Cruise notices that Julia's bleeding to death, so he takes her to a cave and sprays her with Febreeze and then scans her gunshot wound with a Scanning Device. The two of them then go to his cabin by the lake.

The next day, they decide to help the Black Knights. So they go to the place where the Black Knights live where they have an epic fight with the Droids. Chief Black Knight almost gets killed, the place explodes, and Thor saves everybody.

Somewhere along the way, I forget how, but we find out that Sally is a Bad Guy. Julia has a plan how to defeat her. She goes back into the coffin and Tom Cruise puts the coffin on his Airplane Device.

Oh and I forgot to say that Julia did find the Thing she had been looking for from the Exploded Space Ship. The Thing had a recording of everything that had happened on the Exploded Space Ship before it Exploded. Tom Cruise listens to it, and it turns out that there was a Tom Cruise 3 and a Becca 2 running the ship.

Tom Cruise arrives at the place where Sally lives. I think it was called the Tet. He goes in with the coffin and sees a couple of pods with himself and Becca inside like in the Matrix.

He goes into Sally's room and it turns out that Sally is a Big Triangle With A Blinking Red Light. The have a brief conversation, then Tom Cruise opens up the coffin and says "I brought the survivor" and surprise! Chief Black Knight comes out instead of Julia. Sally gets pissed. Tom Cruise says "*****you, Sally," and pushes a Button on a Thing that Chief Black Knight is holding, and the entire place explodes.

Flash forward a few years. Julia's at the cabin and has been there all along because Tom Cruise put her there while she was in the coffin without her knowing it and used a different coffin for Chief Black Knight. Now Julia has a kid. The kid looks across the lake and sees People. One of the People is Tom Cruise 4. Unless it was one of the other ones.

THE END

I should see it again when I'm less tired.