Although if you live on the internet like I do, you probably already know who dies.
And before you give me the whole, "but that's not how it happened in the book" speech, let me tell you
YES, I KNOW, DARLING. I KNOW.
Fair warning, don't come within 2000 centimeters of me with that argument, because frankly, I am too tired.
Anyway, I'm in a mood. So I've decided to give yall a detailed analysis of each character death in The Hobbit so that you can be sad like me.
And when everyone's sad
NO ONE WILL BE.
Moving on, I'm going to go through the deaths in the order in which they appear.
1. Fili
Saddest movie death ever, possibly just because he's my favorite dwarf, but still, it was very sad. Fili's death, I thought, was saintly, if that's the right word.
Fili and Kili were sent to scope out some ruins to see if there were any orcs. They heard some orcs up on the floor (for lack of a better word) above. Kili was all "heheh lemme at em, time for ass-whupping" but Fili stopped him and told him to go search over somewhere else, and then he went to INVESTIGATE, trying to act tough as nails, but looking scared and making all the fangirls cry. Then he got cornered and surrounded by orcs who somehow took his sword and dragged him to the top of a cliff. Then they held him up for Thorin to see and went, "Yo, Thorin! You suck and we're going to kill your family!" Then Fili yelled at Thorin to run, Thorin shook his head very slightly (whether it was a "no, not Fili" shake or a "no, we're not leaving you" shake, it was very sad) and the orcs stuck Fili in the back and dropped him down the cliff.
Here's what's awesome about Fili's death:
1. He died saving his kid brother, which is probably how he wanted to go
2. He knew he was going to be killed since he was cornered, and was very frightened, which makes him all the more brave and heroic and badass.
3. He died looking at Thorin, which reminded me of the stories in Sixty Saints for Boys/Girls in which martyrs died looking at a cross, which gave them courage.
4. He spent his last few seconds trying to tell Thorin and Co. to run for it and trying to keep his family safe.
Ok, death #2:
2. Kili
Gah, this one was sad too.
One of the saddest most terrible heart-killing-with-sadness things about Fili's death was that when the orcs dropped his body from the cliff, he fell right in front of where Kili was standing. Which was very sad. Kili, understandably, was livid with hot piss, so he ran up the hill and started killing orcs like billy-o. He killed about five or six and then got to Bolg, aka, Lord Voldemort's Pissy Body Builder Cousin. I don't remember if Tauriel showed up before or after Kili got to Bolg, but she showed up and they were both fighting Bolg, and then Bolg pinned Kili down and stabbed him in the chest.
Here's what was awesome about Kili's death:
1. He died avenging his big brother, which I thought was very lovely of him.
2. He died trying to kill the second most badass orc in the galaxy, which was very brave.
3. He died looking at Tauriel who he's sweet on (unless it's 'whom,' I don't know) which is very nice for him, although it sucks for her.
And then there's #3.
3. Thorin
Thorin's death made Chuck Norris cry. And then it made Jack Bauer cry. And then it traveled through time and space and made Spock cry.
Thorin had an epic fight with Azog, which I won't detail because I don't remember all of it and because it's very late at night and I'm tired. The basic outline of it is: Azog almost won, then Thorin won (or so we thought), then Azog stabbed Thorin in the foot, then Azog and Thorin sort of stabbed each other in the gut at the same time. Thorin wasn't dead yet, so he went to watch the Eagles and then fell down and started dying, because that's what you do when you get stabbed in the foot and in the gut by angry orcs who want to kill you. Bilbo found him and they had a lovely chat about how Thorin was sorry he tried to throw Bilbo off the Mountain, and Bilbo was honored to have had adventures with Thorin, and then Thorin basically summed up how Bilbo's the biggest little sweetheart in the galaxy. Then Thorin died, and Bilbo kept talking to him and told him the Eagles were here and everything would be all right, and then Bilbo cried.
1. He died with good company.
2. He made amends with said good company for acting like a butt before he died.
3. He died killing his archenemy.
4. He died believing one of his nephews was still alive (although I'm sorry to say he was wrong about that)
5. He was happy when he died and it was lovely.
RIP Thorin, Fili and Kili.
Anyway, I'm off to bed. Good night!
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