How To Murder People

My family and I have been watching a lot of detective shows lately, and we decided it would be a good idea to have a plan for a perfect crime, just in case we need to murder somebody. I talked about it with my brother Thomas.

Me: If you murdered somebody, how would you do it?

Thomas............I'd stab a guy in a hot tub with an icicle.

Me: Oh! Yeah, so then there's no murder weapon and no fingerprints! Brilliant!

Thomas: Thank you.

Me: Except if it's the right weather to be outside in a hot tub, it's probably not the right weather for icicles.

Thomas: Yeah....but you could keep one in the freezer, and then just keep it hidden while you're on your way to the hot tub.

So that's an idea. Here's another one.

Pretend that I'm at a dinner party with Bob, Ted, and Phil. I want to kill Ted, because he's a moron. We're having Dole salad for an appetizer. I sprinkle some sort of biological toxins on all of our servings, but I put enough on Ted's to kill him. The rest of us will get sick, but we won't die. Ted dies, and the rest of us get sick and it turns out that we all of us ate the same thing (Dole salad). So therefore, it must be food poisoning. Since Ted was my very best favorite pal in the whole wide world, I'm distraught by his death and I sue Dole for accidentally killing him and win loads of money. Then I destroy the biological toxin and hide the remains so that nobody can find it. Everybody's happy and there's jam for tea.

Idea #2:

There's a hill near our house that overlooks the neighborhood. Let's say I want to kill my hypothetical neighbor Frank. In this scenario, I'm an Evil Scientist, so I've created lava that can be controlled via remote control. So, I go up to the hill, dig a ginormous hole, and fill the hole with the remote control lava. Then, I put video cameras all over the neighborhood, go to a nearby hotel with the remote control, and rig up the TV so that I can see the whole neighborhood. When Frank is in the optimum position, I push the detonator button on the remote control which activates the volcano, and the lava runs down the hill. With the video cameras, I can see wherever Frank is running, so I can use the remote control to make the lava follow him, catch up to him, and kill him. Later on, geologists come and say "Well, whatdyou know, that hill's been a volcano this whole time and we never knew it. Oh well. Poor Frank."

If I'm an Evil Scientist, I could probably do the same thing with a twister. I could even make a sharknado. Whatever I do, I'd have to destroy all my plans and equipment so that nobody suspects me, but I'm rich, so I can just move to Australia and buy more.

I just decided, I'm going to be a murder mystery writer and write a book about a man trying to kill his Siamese twin brother. That would be awkward. If they're joined at the chest, he'd have to kill himself, but that's all right because it eliminates him as a suspect. But if they're joined at the hip or something, he could just kill his brother, steal his brother's money and then blame it on a burglar, after wiping all his fingerprints off of everything.