Movie Titles Gone Wrong

My family and I have a history of making terrible puns that goes all the way back to Adam and Eve. We also have a history of mis-hearing or mis-speaking that goes back even further than Adam and Eve. I think it comes from the dirt that God used to make Adam. Anyway, resulting from these two factors is the following list of Movie Titles Gone Wrong followed by a parenthetical origin story. Please note that not all of these were my fault.

1. 101 Damnations (misspoken)
2. Sh**** Sh**** Bang Bang (terrible pun)
3. The Sound of Mucous (terrible pun)
4. The Secret of Hell (misheard The Secret of Kells)
5. Peter Pan (misspoken, meant to say Spider-man)
6. Wedgie Tales (terrible pun)
7. Bill and I (misheard, explained in an earlier post)
8. Harry Potter and the Odor of the Phoenix (misheard)
9. Stand in the Liver (misheard Stand and Deliver)
10. Les Miserablablebleslessbles (misspoken)
11. So Dear to my Fart (terrible pun)

That's all I can remember at the moment. I'm going to bed. Toodle pip!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: The Musical

*Note: I'm tired of summarizing the bits of the books that I'm not including in the songs, so I'm going to skip that and assume that you know what's going on.

Act 1: The Triwizard Tournament ("76 Trombones" from "The Music Man")

(Dumbledore)

♪ There will be three wizards in the tournament

Facing three deadly tasks for a prize

The prize will be loads and loads of galleons of gold

And eternal glory ‘till you die

Hogwarts and Beauxbatons, also Duuurmstrang

One from each school is picked to compete

First you must write your name and put it in the flames

In the goblet standing next to me

But, however, there are several limitations

If you’re not seventeen, you may not compete

So I have drawn an age line ‘round this area

 And you can’t fool it though you’re discreet

When the names are in, the goblet will choose three of you

One of you from each school as the champion

Then the champions will face three deadly challenges

By decree, out of three only one can win

But what is this? The goblet is freaking out

It should not be, all three have been picked

Goblet says Harry here must fight among his peers

Though he only is fourteen! ♪

Act 2: SPEW ("Sister Suffragette" from "Mary Poppins")

(Hermione)

♪We’re clearly soldiers for house elves’ rights

Together we’ll help all to see the light

Though Dumbledore is wise and elderly

When it comes to house elves’ rights he’s rather stupid

So! Cast off the shackles of yesterday!

Shoulder to shoulder into the fray

And when they’re free they will adore us

And they’ll sing in grateful chorus!

“Well done! S. P. E. W!"

From Beauxbatons to Durmstrang

One hears relentless cries

From every corner of the land

“Elvenkind, arise!”

Political equality and equal rights with us

Take heart! For Dobby and Winky will be given socks and stuff!

No more the meek and mild subservients they

We’re fighting for their rights, militantly

Never you fear!

So! Cast of the shackles of yesterday

Shoulder to shoulder into the fray

And when they’re free they will adore us

And they’ll sing in grateful chorus

“Well done! S.P.E.W!” ♪

Act 3: The First Task ("I Have Confidence in Me" from "The Sound of Music")

(Harry)

♪What will this task be like? I wonder….

What will my future be? I wonder….

It could be so exciting

To be up in the air with my broom

My heart should be wildly rejoicing

Oh, but I just feel like I’m doomed

I thought I wanted to enter

The tournament when none ever dared

Now here I’m facing adventure

But why am I so scared?

Dragon and one gold egg…

What’s so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries

If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back

I must concentrate to get my broomstick

I must summon the broomstick I lack

The broomstick I’ll fly on with reliance

Face the judges without defiance

Show them I’m worthy, and while I show them

I’ll show me so

Let that dragon spew its fire

I’ll do better than my best

I have confidence he’ll put me to the test

But I’ll make it see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them

I will be swift and brave

And that dumb dragon, Heaven bless him

He must put up with me

And try to stop me but he won’t be able

Everything will turn out fine

I have confidence the gold egg will be mine

Besides which you see, I have confidence in me!

Strength doesn’t lie in Viktor!

Strength doesn’t lie in Fleur!

Strength lies in me, I’m Harry Potter

When I fly up-fly up!

Then I’ll tell Ron I didn’t touch that goblet

And then he will be my friend

I have confidence in confidence again……

Oh, help.

I have confidence in confidence again!

Besides which, you see,

I have confidence in meeee! ♪

*Note: I know the dragon's sposed to be a girl, it just rhymes better. 

Act 4: The Yule Ball ("A Girl Worth Fighting For" from "Mulan")

(Harry and Ron)

♪For a long time we’ve

been searching for some females

It’d be easier

to ask them out by e-mail

We must learn to dance

And catch a glance

from girls we don’t abhor

(Ron)

Hey! Let’s try to find

A girl worth fighting fooor!

Hermione: huh?

(Ron)

That’s what I said!

A girl worth fighting for!

I want her pretty as the moon

With eyes that shine like stars

(Harry)

I’d like to go out with Cho Chang

She likes my lightning scar

(Fred + George)

I wouldn’t mind

If she was kind

And a good joker

As long as she’s not good at poker

(Harry)

Bet you’ll sweep up all the girls just like a blizzard

(Ron)

And I’ll bet the ladies love a famous wizard

(Harry and Ron)

You can guess what we

Are searching ‘round

The Hogwarts castle for

What do we want?

A girl worth fighting for!

(Ron)

My girl will think I have no faults

(Harry)

And I’m a major find

(Hermione)

How ‘bout a girl who’s got a brain

Who always speaks her mind?

Harry and Ron: Nah!

(Ron)

My handsome head

And hair of red

Are sure to thrill her

(Harry)

He thinks he’s such a lady killer

(Malfoy)

I’ve a girl back home who’s unlike any other

(Ron)

Yeah, the only girl who’d love him is his mother

(Harry and Ron)

But when we’re done searching ‘round this place

For one we can’t ignore

We will have found

A girl worth fighting for

Wish that I had

A girl worth fighting for!

Act 5: The Second Task ("Chim-Chim Cheree" from "Mary Poppins")

(Harry)

♪ Swim swimminy, swim swimminy, swim swim, swerreed

I feel like a fish, ‘cause I ate gillyweed

Swim swimminy swim swimminy, swim swim, sweroom

I’ve got to save Ron before he meets his doom

I’ve got to save Ron b’fore he meets his doom!

Now as I’m swimming

down under the lake

You might think my legs

Are beginning to ache

Though I’ve spent my time

Just rescuing Ron

I must save the others

Before they’re all gone

Swim swimminy, swim swimminy, swim swim, swerreed

I feel like a fish, ‘cause I ate gillyweed

Swim swimminy swim swimminy, swim swim, sweroom

I’ll save all the captives before they meet their doom. 

I'll save all the captives before they meet their dooooom! ♪

Act 6: Voldemort's Return ("Toad's Last Little Song" from "The Wind in the Willows" [1995 version])

(Voldemort)

♪ When the foe.....came......home.

When the foe........came........hoooome.

We used bones from my father

and flesh from my slave

we used blood from Harry Potter 

We tied him to the grave!

When the foe....came....home.

Bang! go the wands! 
The muggles will be frantic!
And because I'm such a manic
Muggle-borns will panic!
One by one, they all will vanish! 

POOF! POOF! POOOOOF! 

And I'll ruuuuule theeee wooooooo ♪

Death Eaters: ]:<

Voldemort: ...ooooorld...Heh! don't like my songs, eh? Well, it's entirely your loss of course. Ptuh! poor fellows. 

♪ Shooout "Hooray!" 
I hear each one of my henchmen shouting very loud
In honor of Lord Voldemort of whom they're very prouuuuud
'cause it's Voooold's 
Greeeeat
Daaaaaaaaaaay! ♪

The True Story of Iron Man

Iron Man: The True Story

retold by Elizabeth

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Tony Stark who was a quiet, intelligent, likable orphan. Tony lived with some miscellaneous relatives and between getting top grades in all his classes he would help them with the household chores.

Meanwhile, a group of Libyan extremists were developing an element called Plutonium-a nuclear substance with the capacity to blow an entire planet to smithereens, if used in the manufacture of a bomb. But this substance also had the ability to bestow Ultra-Human Powers upon a Non-Ultra Human Without Powers, if administered in a certain way.

The Libyan extremists were delivering Plutonium in their private jet across the United states to wherever they were going to, when suddenly oh no! Could this be a bird strike? It could! It was! One of the jet's engines exploded and the plane began falling to bits in mid-air. The Plutonium, however, was unharmed, and plummeted down to the Earth and onto an Iron Factory.

Unfortunately, on the day before which these events occurred, Tony Stark happened to be ironing one of his miscellaneous relatives' shirts, when the iron began to malfunction.

"Oh, drat." said Tony. "The iron is broken. Tomorrow, I will go to the Iron Factory and purchase a new one."

So the next day, the day on which the Libyans' Plutonium fell onto the Iron Factory, Tony went to purchase a new iron. He found one to his liking, brought it home, and continued to iron one of his miscellaneous relative's shirts. BUT: when Tony tapped the iron with his finger to see if it was hot enough, Strange Things began to happen. First, Tony found that he was endowed with Superior Strength, enough to throw a rhinoceros across the Grand Canyon. Then, his head began to grow, and its shape changed, until it was rather triangular and metallic, just like a huge iron.

Tony was very pleased with his new powers. He found that by pouring water into his mouth and turning a dial that appeared on his chest to the desired temperature, he could flatten almost anything with his head. This, combined with his now Super-Human Strength, allowed him to fight crime. So, armed with his Super-Human Strength and his Iron-Head, Tony Stark became Iron Man, and as Iron Man, he helped to rid the city of Dastardly Villains and Moronic Thugs.

The End

P.S. Please note that when I say "Libyan extremists" I'm not trying to be racist, I'm trying to reference "Back to the Future." If you got that reference I'll make you cookies

Grimm's Fairy Tales Sum-Up #2: The Juniper Tree

This is the most disturbing fairy tale in the history of disturbing fairy tales. Read at your own risk of being disturbed.

The Juniper Tree
by The Brothers Grimm

Summarized for you by Elizabeth

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a wife but no children. They aren't given names, so I'm going to call them George and Martha. One wintery day, Martha was cutting herself an apple beneath the Juniper Tree in the backyard, when she cut herself and a bit of blood fell on the snow. Then she saw how nice the blood looked on the snow and thought to herself, "I would like a child as red as blood and as white as snow." In other words, she wanted a child that looked like some sort of Undead Zombie Vampire.

A bit later, Martha and George were expecting a baby. Hooray! Martha told George that if she happened to die in delivering the baby, she wanted to be buried by the Juniper Tree. Nine months later, Martha had the baby who was a little boy who looked like an Undead Zombie Vampire, and this made her so happy that she died when she saw him. George was very upset, but he remembered Martha's wish and buried her by the Juniper Tree. He apparently didn't give his son a name, so I'm going to call him Junior.

Some time later, George married again. His second wife isn't named either, so I'm going to call her Brittany. George and Brittany had a little daughter whose name was Marlinchen, who, by the way, is the only person in a story with an actual name.

Brittany liked Marlinchen very much, but she hated Junior's guts because he wasn't technically her son. One day, when Junior came home from school, Brittany was possessed by the Devil who put an Evil Scheme in her brain. Junior met Brittany in the kitchen, and she asked him if he wanted an apple. This is literally what he says:

"Mother, how dreadful you look! Yes, give me an apple."

I should try that on my mom next time I want something.

Anyway, Brittany told Junior to stick his head in the Large Wooden Chest that contained the apples, and get one out. Junior obeyed, but when his head was in the chest, Brittany slammed the lid on his neck and his head fell off and he was very dead.

Brittany looked at Dead Junior, who looked even more like an Undead Zombie Vampire now, and realized that George would probably be a little bit peeved if he discovered that she had decapitated his son. So, she put Dead Junior's body on a chair and tied his head back onto his neck with her handkerchief and put an apple in his head. Then, she went back to cooking dinner.

A bit later, Marlinchen came into the kitchen and asked Dead Junior for the apple he was holding, but Dead Junior didn't answer because Dead Junior was dead. So, she went to Brittany and whined about how Dead Junior wasn't giving her his apple. Brittany told her that if Dead Junior didn't give her his apple, than Marlinchen was allowed to punch Dead Junior on the nose. Marlinchen went back to Dead Junior and asked him for the apple. Dead Junior said nothing and just sat there looking pretty like the Tar Baby from Brer Rabbit. So, Marlinchen punched him on the nose, and his head came off.

Marlinchen was very perturbed, so she went back to Brittany and told her that Dead Junior's head fell off. Brittany, who knew that this was going to happen, said "Oh, that sucks. Well, we might as well eat him." So she chopped up Dead Junior and made him into Black Pudding.

That night, George came home from work and asked where Dead Junior was. Brittany told him that he was off with his uncle, and gave him a bit of the black pudding. George tasted it and said, "Ah, wife, how delicious this food is, give me some more." That's an actual quote. So, he ate all the rest of the Dead Junior Black Pudding and chucked the bones under the table. I don't know why there were bones in the pudding. It's like in Get Smart when the guy says "doesn't he know bones are crunchy? Who'd want a crunchy pudding?" Anyway, Marlinchen took her handkerchief and wrapped all of Dead Junior's Crunchy Pudding Bones in it and buried it by the Juniper Tree.

After Dead Junior's Crunchy Pudding Bones were buried under the Juniper Tree, a Bird flew out of the Juniper Tree and sat on a Goldsmith's house. The Goldsmith was inside making a gold chain, and while he was inside making a gold chain, he heard the Bird singing.

"My mother she killed me,
My father, he ate me,
My sister, little Marlinchen
Gathered together all my bones,
Tied them in a silken handkerchief,
Laid them beneath the Juniper Tree,
Kywitt, kywitt, what a beautiful bird am I!"

I don't see how the last line is relevant to the story, but whatever. The Goldsmith liked the song and asked the Bird to sing it again, but the Bird said he'd only do that it the Goldsmith gave him the gold chain. So, the Goldsmith gave the Bird the gold chain, and the Bird sang again.

Then, the Bird flew to a Shoemaker's house and sang the song again. The Shoemaker gave the Bird a pair of red shoes, and the Bird sang the song again.

The Bird, having secured some nice footwear for himself, decided to fly to a mill next. He sang the song, and the Millers asked him to sing it again. The Bird said he would, but only if they gave him the millstone, so the Millers gave him the millstone and he sang the song.

After the Bird finished singing to the Millers, he took the gold chain, the red shoes, and the millstone back to George's house and began to sing again. George, Brittany, and Marlinchen heard him singing, and George went to the window to INVESTIGATE. The Bird gave George the gold chain and kept singing. Then Marlinchen went to the window to see the Bird, and the Bird gave her the red shoes. Then Brittany went outside to see the Bird, thinking that she would get something too, but the Bird dropped the millstone on her head and bashed it to smithereens. Then the place where Brittany's head was bashed to smithereens caught on fire, and got all burnt up, and when the fire died down, Junior was standing there, and he went with George and Marlinchen, and they lived a jolly life happily ever after.

The End

Random Funniness For You

In case anybody's having a bad day, here's one of the best dialogues on radio in the history of radio.

Martin: How about a Christmas tree? Any ideas?

Arthur: Hmmmm....If we had a BUSH, we could put it on a STICK.

(Cabin Pressure, Molokai Christmas Special)

Never fails to make me smile. Happy Unbirthday. Cheerio!

An Excellent Idea By Me

I've just had another INSPIRATION.

I'm going to set up my own business that makes those little doggy bags, and on TV the commercial's going to have the Old Bird Woman from Mary Poppins sitting on the steps of a cathedral singing

♪ Cleeeean the turrrrds
Tuppence a bag
Tuppence
Tuppence
Tuppence a bag ♪

It's going to make me rich and I'm going to buy myself a rowboat.

Old English

I just had a mind-blowing realization.

The word "don" means to put something ON.

The word "doff" means to take something OFF.

don/on

doff/off

WOW!

On the other hand, the word "doff" rhymes with the word "cough," but if you try to spell "doff" like "dough," it rhymes with "crow" instead of "cough." There's a few poems about stuff like that. I forget what they're called, but they're pretty mind-boggling and funny. Just google "a moth is not a moth in mother, nor broth in brother, both in bother," which I think is one of the lines, unless I'm remembering it wrong, and you should get the whole poem.

There's also an episode of "I Love Lucy" where Ricky keeps mixing up the pronunciations of the words "cough," "bough," "rough," and "through," if I'm remembering that right. I forget what episode it was from.

I think we should go back to speaking Old English because it's cool. If I can learn Old English and then get some other people to learn Old English, we could speak nothing but Old English, and then we could all get married outside the group and our spouses would have to speak Old English too, and then we'd make all our kids learn Old English. That would be fan-bloody-tastic.

If I can get Mary and Thomas to learn Old English, that'll be three people. And then all three of us will get married and make our spouses learn Old English so that'll be six people. And then if we each have at least four kids, that'll be 12 people, and if each one of them gets married and makes his spouse learn Old English that'll be 24 people, and then if they all have four kids each, that'll be 48 people, and then in about 500 years, the whole English-speaking community will be back to Old English and then maybe spelling and grammar and all that rot will make more sense.

Siri Sings to Mike

Mary's boyfriend Mike has one of those phones with the creepy robot lady. So at the moment they're playing with it in the living room.

Mike: What do you like about me?

Siri: NO COM-MENT.

Mike: Siri, what do you like about me?

Siri: THIS IS A-BOUT YOU. NOT ME.

Mike: Sing me a song.

Siri: HERE'S WHAT I FOUND FOR YOU.

Mike: Sing me a song.

Siri: NO COM-MENT.

Mike: SING.

Siri: WELL. IF YOU IN-SIST. I COULD WHILE A-WAY THE HOURS. CON-FIR-MING WITH THE FLO-WERS. CON-SUL-TING WITH THE RAIN.

Cabin Pressure Direct TV Commercial

I know I just did one, but that was fun so I'm going to do it again.

Series 1 Boston

When the cable in your airplane stops working, the passengers get bored.

When the passengers get bored, one of them starts smoking.

When the passenger starts smoking, you tell him to stop smoking.

When you tell him to stop smoking, he doesn't stop smoking.

When he doesn't stop smoking, you have the steward spray him with the fire extinguisher.

When the steward sprays him with the fire extinguisher, he has a heart attack and dies.

Don't have your passengers have heart attacks and die. Get rid of cable and switch to Direct TV.

Lord of the Rings Direct TV Commercial

When your cable TV has no interesting channels, you get bored.

When you get bored, you go on an adventure with dwarves and a wizard.

When you go on an adventure with dwarves and a wizard, you get lost in a cave.

When you get lost in a cave, you steal a magic ring from a schizophrenic psychopath.

When you steal a magic ring from a schizophrenic psychopath, you start turning into a schizophrenic psychopath.

When you start turning into a schizophrenic psychopath, your wizard friend makes you give your magic ring to your nephew.

When you give your magic ring to your nephew, your nephew goes on long dangerous journeys.

When your nephew goes on long dangerous journeys, the ring starts turning him into a schizophrenic psychopath.

When the ring starts turning your nephew into a schizophrenic psychopath, he puts the ring on.

When your nephew puts the ring on, his finger gets bitten off by a schizophrenic psychopath.

Don't have your nephew's finger get bitten off by a schizophrenic psychopath. Get rid of cable, and switch to Direct TV.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: The Musical

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: The Musical

Act 1: Harry Blows Up Aunt Marge ("Casey Junior" from "Dumbo")

♪ Harry Potter's blowing up his aunt
blowing up his aunt
he won't stop, he can't

She said nasty things about his dad
Harry Potter's dad
and it made him mad

Harry's now afraid he'll be expelled from school
Then he'd be a muggle, it would not be cool

So Harry Potter's getting on the bus 
getting on the bus
to escape the fuss ♪

(Harry goes on the Knight Bus to The Leaky Cauldron where he meets Fudge who tells him that he's not going to be expelled. Harry hears about Sirius Black escaping from Azkaban and meets up with Hermione and The Weasleys. Ron's rat Scabbers is mostly dead. Hermione buys Crookshanks. Ron hates Crookshanks. Harry goes to Kings Cross with them to get on the Hogwarts Express)

Act 2: Mr. Weasley Warns Harry About Sirius Black ("Heffalumps and Woozles" from "Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too")

(Mr. Weasley) 

♪ In Azkaban the prison
there's someone 
who's missin'

In Azkaban a murderer is gone gone gone gone 

The school is guarded by the
Dementors
howeva

Dementors sometimes don't know right from wrong wrong wrong wrong

He wants to kill you, Harry
so very
bewary

He's murdered folks of every shape and size size size size

Don't try to find him, Harry,
he's much, much,
too scary

And everybody here wants you alive

He's bad! 
He's mean!
He's very keen!
He wants you dead!
He wants your head!
He's far!
He's near!
He's gone!
He's here!
He's quick and slick!
He's insincere! 

Beware! Beware! Beware! Beware! BEWAAAAAARE! 

(Harry gets on The Hogwarts Express. He, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny find a compartment with Professor Lupin who is asleep. Then Dementors come and scare the living daylights out of everybody except for Lupin who shoots a patronus at it and gives everybody chocolate. Harry is especially wigged-out because the Dementors made him remember Voldemort killing his mum. After they get to Hogwarts, they find out that Lupin is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and Hagrid is teaching Care of Magical Creatures.)

Act 3: The Boggart ("Spoonful of Sugar" from "Mary Poppins")

(Lupin)

In every Boggart fight that's won,
there is an element of fun. 
You find that fun, aaaaaand SNAP! 
The fight's a game!

♪ And every Boggart that you take
becomes a piece of cake
a lark! a spree!
It's very clear to see

Thaaaat aaaaa
room full of laughter 
helps the enemy 
go down
the enemy 
go doooown 
enemy
go down

Just a room full of laughter 
helps the enemy
go down 
In the most delightful way

Professor Snape will make you laugh
when he's in Neville's Granny's hat
and now the Boggart has to change its shape
Although he's scary at first sight
a little laugh will win the fight

And now

You know

his shape is just for show

Just a room full of laughter

helps the enemy

go down

the enemy 

go doooown

enemy

go down

Just a room full of laughter 

helps the enemy

go down

In the most delightful way ♪

(Harry has a Quidditch match during which the Dementors make him fall off his broom and his broom gets totaled. Fred and George give Harry the Marauder’s Map, and Harry uses it to sneak into Hogsmeade where he overhears a conversation about how it’s Sirius Black’s fault that his parents are dead and he’s Harry’s godfather. Harry gets a Firebolt in the mail from somebody mysterious and he, Ron and Hermione squabble over what to do about it.)

Act 4: Ron Suspects Crookshanks of Eating Scabbers (“Hellfire” from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”)

♪Hey, you, Hermione

You know you’re s’posed to be my friend

Of my pet rat I was justly proud

Hey, you, Hermione

You know that Scabbers wet his pants

Whenever your cat Crookshanks was around

Then tell me, Hermione

Why my rat is now deceased

Why you let your kitty eat my pet

I loved him, I mourn him

The sun caught in his ratty hair

Is something that I never will forget

So tell me

Hermione

Why you just let your cat

Eat Scabbers

Hermione

Your kitty killed my rat

It’s all your fault!

You are to blame

My rat is dead

Now life will never be the same

It’s all your fault!

Was it your scheme

To make your cat do something really really mean?

Protect me, oh Harry

Don’t let Hermione cast her spell

Don’t let her magic sear my flesh and bone

Let’s go now, Harry

And let her go on by herself

We’ll go away and leave her all alone

Hermione

Hermione

Admit your cat’s at fault

Choose me or

Your kitty

And face my wrath’s assault

God have mercy on you

God have mercy on me

I just wish my rat had not been caught. ♪

(Harry gets the Firebolt back. Ron wakes up yelling in the night because Sirius Black was there with a knife, so everybody has to move to the Great Hall while the teachers sweep the castle.  Harry sees Peter Pettigrew in the Marauder’s Map and goes after him, but runs into Snape and Lupin. Lupin gets Harry out of trouble with Snape, then yells at him for being an idiot and takes the Marauder’s Map. Hermione tells Harry and Ron that Buckbeak is going to be executed. Ron and Hermione are friends again. Hermione walks out of Divination. Professor Trelawney makes a prediction and Harry freaks out. Harry, Ron and Hermione visit Hagrid and find Scabbers. Buckbeak is apparently executed and Scabbers runs away. Ron runs after Scabbers and a black dog runs after Ron and they go in the tunnel under the Whomping Willow. Harry and Hermione follow and find Ron with Sirius Black. Lupin shows up. Sirius is innocent. Snape shows up. Everybody blasts Snape at the same time. Scabbers turns into Peter Pettigrew. Everybody gets out of the Whomping Willow and is attacked by Dementors. Harry thinks he sees his Dad patronusing the Dementors. Fudge and Snape think they’re all insane and say that Sirius will be kissed by the Dementors. Dumbledore tells Hermione to use the Time Turner. Harry and Hermione go back in time, Ron can’t because his leg’s broken.)

Act 5: Harry and Hermione Rescue Sirius (The Wonderpets Theme Song)

(Harry)

♪The clock

The clock is ticking

(Hermione)

♪We’ll turn it back in time

(Harry)

The clock

The clock is ticking

(Hermione)

♪Harry’s godfather’s in trouble

Harry’s godfather’s in trouble

Harry’s godfather was framed for a crime♪

Harry: Look! He’s up in the tower

It seems to me

He looks upset

What could the problem be?

(Hermione)

♪It’s Harry’s godfather

And he’s going to be kissed

By the Dementors

He’ll be kissed by the dementors

This is Sirius!

We have to help him♪

(Harry)

♪Let’s save my godfather!

Let’s save my godfather

Let’s save my godfather!

(Time Turner Activated)

Harry and Hermione: Wheeeee!

♪Harry

And

Hermione too

We’re Gryffindors and we’ll help you

What’s gonna work?

Teamwork!

What’s gonna work?

Teamwork!

Gryffindors, Gryffindors

We’re on our way

To rescue Harry’s godfather

And save the day

We’re not to big

And we’re not too tough

But when we work together

We’ve got the right stuff

Gooooo Gryffindors!

YAAAAY!♪

 (Harry and Hermione rescue Buckbeak. Harry makes a Massive Patronus and saves everybody. They fly Buckbeak up to Sirius. Sirius escapes. Harry and Hermione go back to the future. Everybody’s happy and there’s jam for tea.)

The End 

Sharknado

Hello!

I just finished watching the movie Sharknado. Has anyone seen Sharknado? You haven't lived until you've seen Sharknado. If you don't have time for Sharknado, here's

Sharknado In A Nutshell
by Elizabeth

SPOILER ALERT

Once upon a time, there was a man named Fin who owned a bar/restaurant on a beach where he lived. He had a barmaid whose name I forget, so I'm going to call her Bea Keeny (Bea is short for Beatrice). Fin also had a friend whose name I also forget, so I'm going to call him Lou Zurr.

One stormy day, Lou Zurr decided to go surfing with his Lady Friend, so he went surfing with his Lady Friend. Then the storm got closer, and a Buttload Of Sharks started coming towards the beach. Fin rescued Lou with a Jet-ski but Lou's Lady Friend got eaten by a shark. Then some more people got eaten by a shark and everybody on the beach ran screaming in different directions and Fin told them all to get off the beach and get as far away from it as possible, because Global Warming is making the storm, which is driving all the sharks to the beach.

Everybody leaves the beach, but most of them just get into the bar which is on/right next to the beach. Then, a bunch of Massive Tidal Waves come and wipe out the bar and everybody runs screaming in different directions. Fin says that he has to go make sure that his ex-wife and daughter are OK. Bea Keeny wants to come too. So Fin, Bea Keeny, Lou Zurr, and Drunk George from the bar all grab weapons and hop into Fin's car and they start driving to Fin's ex-wife's house.

While they're driving along, they notice that all the streets are flooded and there are sharks everywhere. Bea Keeny has a Big Gun, so she shoots some of the sharks and they die. Then, I forget why, but they stop the car and all get out of the car. Drunk George notices a lady trying to get her dog out of her car, so he helps her, but then gets eaten by a shark.

Fin, Lou, and Bea keep driving through the sharks and water and eventually arrive at Fin's ex-wife's house. Fin's ex-wife whose name is April thinks that they're all idiots and that there's nothing really wrong. Then, April's boyfriend whose name I also forget so I'm going to call him Zac Efron because he looks like Zac Efron comes out and tells Fin that he's an idiot. While they're all arguing about who's an idiot and who's not an idiot and whether or not there are sharks terrorizing Los Angeles, Bea Keeny looks out the window and sees that there's a shark in April's swimming pool, so she interrupts the conversation to tell everybody that there's a shark in April's swimming pool. Zac Efron says that she's an idiot and goes to look out the window, but the shark jumps out of the swimming pool, through the window, and eats Zac Efron.

April is finally convinced that there is a shark problem, and she and the daughter Claudia get into the car along with Fin, Lou, and Bea so they can drive as far as they can away from the sharks. But then April and Fin remember that they have a son named Matt who looks like a Ken Doll and that they should go and get him to escape too.

On the way to rescue Ken Doll, a shark falls out of the sky and lands teeth-first onto the roof of the car. The shark then proceeds to bite a hole in the roof of the car and tries to wriggle in through the hole. Lou pokes it in the nose with a baseball bat, but the shark isn't moved, so Fin attacks it with a chainsaw, if I'm remembering that right, and it dies and falls off the car.

As they're driving along, the city is still flooding like the dickens, and there are still sharks everywhere. Fin drives the car on an overpass and notices a school bus underneath the overpass sort of floating in the water. So, he stops the car, hops out, takes out his Handy Dandy Grappling Hook/Pulley Kit which he has because a good barman is prepared for any situation, and lowers himself down to the school bus. The school bus, as he suspected, is filled with School Kids and a School Bus Driver With Terrible Hair. Fin attaches each of the kids to his Grappling Hook/Pulley System one by one, and Lou pulls them all up. After Lou pulls up the School Bus Driver With Terrible Hair, it's Fin's turn, but oh, no! The rope is breaking! And not only that, but a shark jumped up, bit the rope, and is now attempting to climb the rope with its teeth! Fin is not in the mood to die, so he calls up to Lou, "Hand me down the Shark Repellent Bat-Spray!" No, I'm thinking of Batman in "Batman: The Movie." Anyway, Lou doesn't have any Shark Repellant Bat-Spray handy, so Fin has to cut the rope above where the shark's hanging onto it, thus causing the shark to plummet to a watery death. After Fin gets up on the overpass, the wind picks up and the big HOLLYWOOD sign which happens to be nearby starts blowing in all different directions. Everyone dodges the big metal letters, except for the School Bus Driver With Terrible Hair gets hit with an H.

Our heroes continue to drive to save Ken Doll from the sharks. Then, for no apparent reason at all, they all jump out of the car and run the heck away from it, and then it explodes. I don't know why, but it was cool anyway. So, since they have no vehicle, they decide to stop at a gas station and get a snack. The TV in the gas station says that there are tornadoes coming from the ocean carrying bushels of sharks and heading for the city. Then, Lou conjures a Big Shiny Jeep Thing out of Nowhere, and they all make like a tree again.

Finally, they get to the airport where Ken Doll works. They look around for him, and then they find him in a closet with a Bunch Of Other People. Fin warns them that there is a tornado wielding sharks heading this way, and a Stupid Lady goes to look at it, and is sucked up. Everybody else holds onto something so that they don't blow away and get sucked in the tornado and be eaten by sharks.

A bit later, the wind dies down. April says we need to get out of here, but Fin says, no! we must fight! Ken Doll has an IDEA. Ken Doll says that they should take all the tanks of propane at the airport and manufacture some bombs, and then Ken Doll will fly around the tornado in his little helicopter, chuck the bombs into the tornadoes, thus, killing the sharks and dissolving the tornadoes. Fin and everyone else are all for it, so they get to work making the bombs.

Ken Doll works with Bea Keeny making bombs. He notices that she has shark-tooth-shaped scars on her leg, so he asks her about them. She doesn't want to answer, so he shows her his own scar on his stomach that looks more like a blob of snot. Bea says that she doesn't want to talk about it, so she talks about it. Apparently, her Grandpa took her out to the ocean and was eaten by a shark, and she got bit on the leg. This is literally the conversation Bea and Ken have after she tells the story:

Bea: The sharks took my grandfather. That's why I hate sharks.
Ken: Oh. Now I hate sharks too.

Excuse me while I throw up.

Anyway, now the bombs are ready for tornado-shark blasting, so Bea and Ken get into Ken's helicopter and fly towards Tornado #1. Lou puts a bunch of bombs in the car, so that he can drive the car into the tornado, set off all the bombs, blow up all the sharks, dissolve the tornado, and save everybody if the need arises, except for it wouldn't work very well because there are three tornadoes and only one car full of bombs.

Ken and Bea fly towards Tornado #1. The sharks don't like having a helicopter so close to their tornado, so they start freaking out and attacking the helicopter. Fin saves Ken and Bea from the sharks by shooting them, except for then a bunch of dead sharks start falling out of the sky because it's harder for a tornado to keep a dead shark airborne than a live one.

Ken and Bea chuck Bomb #1 into Tornado #1. Bomb #1 blows up, bits of dead shark fly everywhere, and Tornado #1 disappears. Hooray! Except for a few sharks have survived and are now falling on top of Fin, April, Claudia, Lou, and Ken's Airport Friends. Some of Ken's Airport Friends get eaten. Then a shark bites Lou's leg, but then Tornado #2 comes closer and starts to suck everything towards it, including the shark that's holding onto Lou's leg. Lou grabs onto the car, but the shark is still being sucked into Tornado #2, so both Lou and the shark are hanging off the car being sucked into the tornado. Eventually, the tornado wins, so Lou is dead.

Ken and Bea catch up with Tornado #2 and chuck Bomb #2 into Tornado #2. Bomb #2 blows up, bits of dead shark fly everywhere, and Tornado #2 disappears. Hooray! Then they fly over to Tornado #3. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I think what happened is that before Bea could activate the bomb and throw it into Tornado #3, she fell out of the helicopter and into a live shark's mouth. Ken gets upset or something, I'm not sure, but anyway he ended up crashing the helicopter. He survived though. Hooray!

I forgot to say that the airport is right next to a Retirement Home. In the backyard of the Retirement Home is a swimming pool. A couple of Old People have decided that, since there are three ginormous tornadoes full of flying sharks, it would be a good time to go swimming. So, one Old Man is swimming in the pool while an Old Lady is sitting next to the pool in her swimsuit. The Old Lady sees Tornado #3 coming straight towards them, and falls into the pool. Fin and everybody get the Old People out of the pool and into the Retirement Home Building along with Ken, Claudia, and April. Then he runs to the car.

Fin gets into the car, which is still packed with explosives, activates the explosives, and makes the car drive straight into Tornado #3 right when the explosives explode. Then he takes up his chainsaw, turns it on, and uses it to dismember the sharks from Tornado #3 that are now falling from the sky because the explosion made Tornado #3 disappear. But wait! What is this? A shark is about to fall on top of Claudia! Fin takes his chainsaw, pushes Claudia out of the way, and jumps into the shark's mouth with the chainsaw still going. When the shark hits the ground, everybody comes out of the Retirement Home and stares at it. Something in the shark is moving and making the shark's stomach do weird rippling movements. Then, Fin's chainsaw comes up through the shark and slices through the shark's stomach, and out comes Fin. Everyone's happy to see him, but he ignores everybody, reaches into the dead shark, and pulls out Bea Keeny, who is still alive. So, they all have a jolly group hug and congratulate themselves on how awesome they are for defeating the flying sharks and the tornadoes, and they all live Happily Ever After.

The End