This is the most disturbing fairy tale in the history of disturbing fairy tales. Read at your own risk of being disturbed.
The Juniper Tree
by The Brothers Grimm
Summarized for you by Elizabeth
Once upon a time, there was a man who had a wife but no children. They aren't given names, so I'm going to call them George and Martha. One wintery day, Martha was cutting herself an apple beneath the Juniper Tree in the backyard, when she cut herself and a bit of blood fell on the snow. Then she saw how nice the blood looked on the snow and thought to herself, "I would like a child as red as blood and as white as snow." In other words, she wanted a child that looked like some sort of Undead Zombie Vampire.
A bit later, Martha and George were expecting a baby. Hooray! Martha told George that if she happened to die in delivering the baby, she wanted to be buried by the Juniper Tree. Nine months later, Martha had the baby who was a little boy who looked like an Undead Zombie Vampire, and this made her so happy that she died when she saw him. George was very upset, but he remembered Martha's wish and buried her by the Juniper Tree. He apparently didn't give his son a name, so I'm going to call him Junior.
Some time later, George married again. His second wife isn't named either, so I'm going to call her Brittany. George and Brittany had a little daughter whose name was Marlinchen, who, by the way, is the only person in a story with an actual name.
Brittany liked Marlinchen very much, but she hated Junior's guts because he wasn't technically her son. One day, when Junior came home from school, Brittany was possessed by the Devil who put an Evil Scheme in her brain. Junior met Brittany in the kitchen, and she asked him if he wanted an apple. This is literally what he says:
"Mother, how dreadful you look! Yes, give me an apple."
I should try that on my mom next time I want something.
Anyway, Brittany told Junior to stick his head in the Large Wooden Chest that contained the apples, and get one out. Junior obeyed, but when his head was in the chest, Brittany slammed the lid on his neck and his head fell off and he was very dead.
Brittany looked at Dead Junior, who looked even more like an Undead Zombie Vampire now, and realized that George would probably be a little bit peeved if he discovered that she had decapitated his son. So, she put Dead Junior's body on a chair and tied his head back onto his neck with her handkerchief and put an apple in his head. Then, she went back to cooking dinner.
A bit later, Marlinchen came into the kitchen and asked Dead Junior for the apple he was holding, but Dead Junior didn't answer because Dead Junior was dead. So, she went to Brittany and whined about how Dead Junior wasn't giving her his apple. Brittany told her that if Dead Junior didn't give her his apple, than Marlinchen was allowed to punch Dead Junior on the nose. Marlinchen went back to Dead Junior and asked him for the apple. Dead Junior said nothing and just sat there looking pretty like the Tar Baby from Brer Rabbit. So, Marlinchen punched him on the nose, and his head came off.
Marlinchen was very perturbed, so she went back to Brittany and told her that Dead Junior's head fell off. Brittany, who knew that this was going to happen, said "Oh, that sucks. Well, we might as well eat him." So she chopped up Dead Junior and made him into Black Pudding.
That night, George came home from work and asked where Dead Junior was. Brittany told him that he was off with his uncle, and gave him a bit of the black pudding. George tasted it and said, "Ah, wife, how delicious this food is, give me some more." That's an actual quote. So, he ate all the rest of the Dead Junior Black Pudding and chucked the bones under the table. I don't know why there were bones in the pudding. It's like in Get Smart when the guy says "doesn't he know bones are crunchy? Who'd want a crunchy pudding?" Anyway, Marlinchen took her handkerchief and wrapped all of Dead Junior's Crunchy Pudding Bones in it and buried it by the Juniper Tree.
After Dead Junior's Crunchy Pudding Bones were buried under the Juniper Tree, a Bird flew out of the Juniper Tree and sat on a Goldsmith's house. The Goldsmith was inside making a gold chain, and while he was inside making a gold chain, he heard the Bird singing.
"My mother she killed me,
My father, he ate me,
My sister, little Marlinchen
Gathered together all my bones,
Tied them in a silken handkerchief,
Laid them beneath the Juniper Tree,
Kywitt, kywitt, what a beautiful bird am I!"
I don't see how the last line is relevant to the story, but whatever. The Goldsmith liked the song and asked the Bird to sing it again, but the Bird said he'd only do that it the Goldsmith gave him the gold chain. So, the Goldsmith gave the Bird the gold chain, and the Bird sang again.
Then, the Bird flew to a Shoemaker's house and sang the song again. The Shoemaker gave the Bird a pair of red shoes, and the Bird sang the song again.
The Bird, having secured some nice footwear for himself, decided to fly to a mill next. He sang the song, and the Millers asked him to sing it again. The Bird said he would, but only if they gave him the millstone, so the Millers gave him the millstone and he sang the song.
After the Bird finished singing to the Millers, he took the gold chain, the red shoes, and the millstone back to George's house and began to sing again. George, Brittany, and Marlinchen heard him singing, and George went to the window to INVESTIGATE. The Bird gave George the gold chain and kept singing. Then Marlinchen went to the window to see the Bird, and the Bird gave her the red shoes. Then Brittany went outside to see the Bird, thinking that she would get something too, but the Bird dropped the millstone on her head and bashed it to smithereens. Then the place where Brittany's head was bashed to smithereens caught on fire, and got all burnt up, and when the fire died down, Junior was standing there, and he went with George and Marlinchen, and they lived a jolly life happily ever after.
The End
No comments:
Post a Comment