How To Turn Yourself Into A Chicken

I still can't sleep. So here's the Elizabeth Method of How To Turn Yourself Into A Chicken.

1. Eat a chicken.
2. You are what you eat.
3. You are a chicken.

Mind you, you've got to eat the entire chicken. If you eat a piece of fried chicken from Ralphs, you'll just turn into a piece of fried chicken from Ralphs. You've got to eat the whole chicken, feathers, intestines, legs, rubbery red stuff, all of it. And you've got to eat it raw, otherwise you'll turn into a cooked chicken, and cooked chickens are dead, and it's much more fun to be a living chicken than a dead chicken. And now you're probably thinking, "if I'm a dead chicken, then I can be a chicken-zombie, and that would be fabulous" but it doesn't work like that. If you want to be a chicken-zombie, you have to eat a real chicken zombie. If you eat an un-animated dead chicken, you will just turn into an un-animated dead chicken. But if you eat a chicken that has been bitten by a zombie, you will turn into a chicken-zombie.

Now you're probably thinking, "I ate a pizza today. Why am I not a pizza?" There is a very simple answer: humans are simply inferior to pizza and therefore cannot become pizza. If you go on Pinterest, you might find a meme that says something along the lines of "people disappoint, but pizza is eternal." This is called Backing Up Your Claims With Concrete Evidence. If the food you eat is vastly superior or inferior to a human being, you cannot become that food. And, since the food we eat is mostly delicious and unhealthy, you cannot turn into that food.

And now you are probably thinking, "wouldn't an entire dead chicken be disgusting? Doesn't that make it inferior to me and therefore nontransformationable?" The answer is no, because, like the chicken, you also have raw meat, intestines, blood, and other disgusting things I do not care to mention, so you too are disgusting, and that puts you and the chicken on the level.

Believe it or not, there is a point to all this. People in the world have expressed a desire to become chickens. Larry the Cucumber once said "I've always wanted to be a chicken. Do you think God would turn me into a chicken?" (I believe that was in Dave and the Giant Pickle). 

But what, you ask, are the benefits of becoming a chicken? There are, in fact, several.

1. Chickens are fabulous.

I've forgotten the rest. And I'm tired now. Good night!