Snow White and the Thirteen Dwarves

*Disclaimer: you will not understand this at all unless you, like me, are a Tolkien nerd. If you aren't a Tolkien nerd, read at my own risk of you thinking I'm a weirdo.

Once upon a time, there was an elf princess named Snow White. She is not mentioned much in either The Lord of the Rings or The Silmarillion, but she was a second cousin of Arwen Undomiel, daughter of King Elrond of Rivendell.

Snow White had an Evil Stepmother named Hilda. Hilda had in her posession one of the seven (I think it was seven) Plantirs in which she would look to see present, past, and future. Hilda would often look into her Plantir and say "Plantir, Plantir, like a ball. Who is the fairest one of all?" And then she would look into the Plantir, hoping to see her own face, but it was always the face of Snow White. This made her very jealous, so she summoned her gardener, Sam Gamgee, and ordered him to take Snow White into Mirkwood and stab the hell out of her with a Morgul Blade. Sam took Snow White into Mirkwood, but he didn't have the heart to stab the hell out of her with a Morgul Blade, so he told her to run for it.

So Snow White ran for it.

While she was running for it, she encountered a small cottage and decided to go in because she was a snoop and an idiot.

When she entered the cottage, she saw a table with thirteen chairs in one room, and in the next room she saw a row of thirteen beds. Each bed had a name on it. The names were Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Dori, Ori, Nori, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Oin, Gloin, Fili, and Kili. Snow White was tired, so she decided take a nap in the beds because she had no conception of the personal boundaries of others.

The cottage, it so happens, belonged to thirteen dwarves whose names were Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Dori, Ori, Nori, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Oin, Gloin, Fili, and Kili. They had just returned from defeating the dragon Smaug and were very tired and in no mood for intruders in their home. So, when they went to the bedroom to lie down after their harrowing journey, they were very disgruntled to see a weirdo stranger sleeping in their beds. I should also mention that dwarves and elves do not get along on principle.

"Darnitall, there's a ruddy elf in my bed." said Thorin.

The dwarves talked among themselves and decided that they didn't want a ruddy elf sleeping in their beds. So they took her off their beds while she was asleep and handed her over to the Hobbit Frodo to throw into Mount Doom because he happened to be heading in that direction anyway.

So Frodo threw Snow White into Mount Doom, and the dwarves put a sign outside their cottage that read "Trespassers will be thrown unceremoniously into Mount Doom." They were never bothered again by snooping females, and Snow White's Evil Stepmother got her wish and became the fairest elf-maiden in all the land. In short, it was a win-win, except for Snow White.

The Moral of this story is, "never barge into someone else's home without permission."

The End